A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

“YES!" The joyful exclamation echoed through the nonsensical plains and floating islands of the Chaos Realm.

“Now that about half of my genius plan, is complete, nothing can stop me from becoming Lord of Chaos." John triumphantly explained "I mean, nothing except someone, at least half-competent who actually gives enough of a fuck to try intervening immediately. But they wouldn’t. That’d ruin the dramatic tension of doing everything at the very last second."

"What are you even talking about?" Sombra's head unsurely asked as it appeared before him.

"Well, you know, if more fucks were to be given by people out there, I really feel like this world would never even come close to being in danger in the first place." John simply dismissed, observing the infinite rows of floating isles that spread beyond the nonexistent horizon.

"Are you really complaining about the fact no one’s trying to stop you?" the other asked again, with even more confusion.

"Yes, I totally am, and I’ll immediately stop because this is way too fucking stupid." John quickly agreed, interrupting his own reasoning

"So, while I’m alone in this shit show of a word, what can I do?" he wondered instead.

"Fish" the singular word randomly went through his mind. And as it did, a fat carp popped into existence, swimming through the realm's strange air as if it was water.

"Well, apparently, I can create fish… Not that it was something I was really craving to be able to do…"

"Uhm" meanwhile, Sombra seemed deep in his thoughts "And what if stairs were made out of crystal?" he wondered.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" was John's logical reaction to this philosophic interrogation. He followed the carp with his eyes as it slowly floated into the distance.

All of a sudden, the fish encountered an unexpected obstacle. As, sprouting from the unreachable ground somewhere below, appeared a magnificent staircase of pure crystal.

"Oh Me…" Sombra slowly enounced, overwhelmed with awe "This place must be paradise!"

John skeptically observed the stairs "Yeah, truly amazing…" he disinterestedly mumbled.

"Anyway, what about the most important thing right now?" he asked none in particular, as Sombra was still all too fascinated by the stairs to react to anything else "I need a throne."

A second later, a small wooden chair appeared in his front.

For a moment, Sombra diverted his attention from the stairs "Well, that is no throne. It is simply a chair! A throne must be as magnificent its King!" a second later he added "Actually, this throne might be a perfect fit for you..."

Meanwhile, John eyed the chair with great contentment "No, this is a very nice chair." he slowly said, coming to sit down.

"Yes, that is indeed a very nice chair…"

And as John rejoiced at the overwhelming amazingness of what he had done, the sudden appearance of an otherworldly portal in front of him slightly interrupted his celebration. Sombra's ghostly head immediately disappeared.

Bringing his eyes to the ones who emerged from the portal, he blissfully exclaimed "Oh, the plot has arrived!"

"Finally. Because when you're starting to get excited over chairs, it clearly means you need something to happen."

There, now stood a rather troubled former Lord of Chaos, an even more troubled Princess of Friendship and Fluttershy.

"It’s you again?!" Twilight confusedly exclaimed as she saw John’s content grin.

"Because you already met this thing?" Fluttershy even more confusedly asked her.

"Hey, hey, hey! We don't have time for irrelevant side plots that no one cares about right now! I am here to officially take control of this realm!"

"Well, in all officiality, this is, in fact, my realm." Discord argued, appearing right in John's front, as a small book with the title Official Legislation of the Chaos Realm lightly materialized in his claws.

"And what if I say: Hippity Hoppity, this is my property?" John confidently enounced with a small grin.

"Hmm… it is quite an ambiguous case, then." Discord agreed after inspecting his book with great care, a small magnifying glass now held right in front of his right eye. He rapidly flipped some pages "Oh, it seems there's a solution. We must attend to a trial by CuckooCook-off." he solemnly announced, throwing the book away as it transformed into a thousand smaller books that flew, flapping their pages as light butterflies.

The sight even made Fluttershy let escape a small gasp.

Meanwhile, John sternly spoke up "That's a shitty name."

"Well, I didn't come up with…" Discord calmly started.

"You did." John simply cut "And so, I propose to solve this conflict like civilized people."

"How, by organizing a bloody war with millions of dead innocents?" Sombra interestedly asked in his head.

"Almost" John confidently continued swiftly snapping his fingers "We shall do a rap battle."

Gladly, the finger-snapping worked as intended...

"Oh fuck, thanks man! I wouldn't want to look even more stupid than usually..."

...As, slightly stunned by her appearance, on an adjacent floating island appeared none else than Zecora.

"When going to visit my forest location
The least I expected, was teleportation…" she confusedly mumbled, looking around to discover the one who called upon her.

"And she should be the judge." John contently explained, pointing at the zebra "For obvious reasons."

Discord seemed in deep thoughts. Bringing his troubled gaze to John, than to Zecora, than to the inside of his orbits, as his eyes made a complete turn in their sockets.

"I accept." he finally said with a smirk returning his eyes into an acceptable position.

"YES!" John internally cheered.

"Is it that good of a news though?" Sombra doubtfully wondered in the meantime.

And so, the rap battle began…

"Wait, no you can't just skip the most interesting part! Stay for the…"

After an outstanding performance from all the competitors except John…

"Hey! I wasn't that bad! And you can't even know, you skipped it!"

…the whole Chaos realm remained quiet, as if waiting for the judge to decide whose property it really was.

"I mean, there's no need to even bother. I know how hard it is to come up with these rhyming lines." John anxiously started "We can all simply agree that I have clearly and overwhelmingly won and…"

Suddenly, Zecora's voice interrupted both his words and all reminders of hope he still had, as she slowly enounced "This was surely a battle, but there was no fight
Discord may keep his realm, he has earned the right
But if I may add, If I was to compete
You would both be stumped. Still, the game is complete"

"Well, I was right to think this wasn't that good of an idea… What can I say, you should have trusted the King." Sombra confidently remarked in the meantime.

"Well, alright, don't rub it in my face like that!" John whined, the fact he has not only crushingly lost, but also ridiculed himself before some of the most powerful beings in Equestria, plaguing him to the highest point.

"I said stop! Yeah, even you, narrator!"

"Oh, but you did great. Don't bother." Fluttershy's soft voice returned him to reality, even though she was obviously lying.

"Thanks." John simply replied with a small sigh.

"And fuck you narrator!"

A second later, a poof of Discord's joyful magic made the Draconequus himself appear in John's front "Ah, it's so good to have my powers back!" he extatically exclaimed, summoning a small cup of tea and taking a sip as he leaned back on thin air.

Then, a realization struck him as he examined John slightly closer "Wait, aren't you the one who freed me from that freakily orderly Accord?"

"Of course, I did. Didn't want the world to become an uninteresting wasteland because of someone other than me." John unenthusiastically responded.

"This is a idea I can totally get behind."

"But, why are you doing all this?" Twilight suddenly asked from a distance, genuine curiosity mixing with empathy in her voice.

For a second, John hesitated "Wait. This is the closest I've come to a redemption scene right now, and I'm not getting any closer!" he carefully exclaimed.

"Cause, you know, that's the moment I'm supposed to tell you my shitty motivations and you're supposed to be like Wow, these are some shitty motivations, let's be friends instead and I'm supposed to be like Yes, these are indeed some shitty motivations, I've never thought about it and then, I go on to become good and join you as friends. And then I live a happy life here and I have kids and shit and… Wait, no, that last sentence didn't sound as logical I intended when you think about the fact I'm in a world of ponies…"

"Anyway, you're not getting me with it." he simply concluded "Just get me out of this realm and let me awkwardly flee into the forest like nothing happened."

"We can't just do that. You just seem like someone who needs friends and…"

"Then, teleport me to the Storm King's Castle." John suddenly commanded.

A general "What?" ensued, swiftly followed by a "Don't you have enough Kings in your head?" from Sombra.

"Well, you said that I just need friends, so I logically want you to teleport me to the Storm Kings Castle." John simply explained.

"I don't see any logical connection between these two sentences whatsoever." Twilight confidently replied after a second in deep consideration of both statements.

"Honestly, me neither. I just really don't wanna walk there. It's pretty far away." John admitted.

"But we can't just…" Twilight stutteringly started before swiftly being interrupted.

"Can't it at least be my consolation prize since I did so well?" he hopefully asked, eyeing Fluttershy with the nicest and most pleading smile he could master.

The other returned the smile "But of course." she softly replied pitied by John's masterful acting.

"What? No!..."

"Discord, can you please give our poor guest what he deserved?" she asked the Lord of Chaos, ignoring Twilight's objections.

"What is even happening right now?" Sombra confusedly asked as he observed the scene from within John's mind.

"My plan is working." John simply replied.

"How many plans do you have?"

"Well, at least one."

"Don't let him go!..."

"Well, as long as he doesn't try to steal my realm again…" Discord disinterestedly started, already distracted by a flock of fish flying through the distance "Have fun!"

And as the sound of snapping claws resounded through the air, this very air John felt around himself changed. It became colder. As, after a small spurt of confusion went through his body along with a burst of Chaos Magic, he found himself standing right on one of the Storm King's balconies.

"YES!"

A confused grunt came from somewhere behind.