But while John was struggling to keep his integrity, the once mighty Princess Celestia was struggling to keep herself from falling over out of overwhelming fatigue…

She was very hungry too. But the kitchen was far away. So far away… Vaguely remembering a map of the castle, she got the scale of just how far away it really was…

Everything was alright though, or at least that was what she kept telling herself. Eating could wait. All that she needed to do first was send a letter to Twilight and she and her friends would fix it all. Like they always did.

And the fact she was drained of her magic was but a minor setback. A very minor one. Not that she had actually participated in the elimination of a threat to this world for the last… thousand years or so.

She somewhat regretfully sighed, slowly stumbling towards her study.

After all, being trapped in corrupted vines, changeling cocoons or turned to stone was much easier than actually fighting. So becoming useless once again was just the normal way of things in situation of such crises.

Ah finally, there was the study. Never in her life would the Princess have thought that the corridors of her own palace were so long… After all, instant teleportation doesn't really convey distance that well…

And here was some parchment and a quill. All she needed now was to write a letter and… Sending a letter required magic. And the latter currently wasn't something she had to spare…

There was probably enough left to send it but… She needed to write it by hoof…

"AAAAAAH! Please no!" resounded through the remains of a throne room that was currently being reformed into an amalgamation of monstrosities by Cosmic Chaos' relentless purple mist in the middle of which John still lied, trying but unable to escape Lyra's embrace.

"Oh, narrator, you're here again!" he shakenly cried out to the air, slightly pausing his escape attempts "Could you somehow stop this?"

"There will be no narrator to save you this time!" Cosmic Chaos immediately replied, her ominous voice seeming to complete engulf the room "He is but a mere puppet in the hands of the Gods of this universe. And thankfully, I am one of the latter."

Though still frightened and unable to properly move, John sneered "Yeah, yeah, I think your overwhelming ego has been well established at this point… You really don't need to emphasize it."

The other exasperatedly sighed "Do you have a quota for being cynically annoying in tense situations?"

"Well, actually…" John enthusiastically started.

"Shhh…" he was suddenly interrupted by a soft hoof being placed on his lips "There's no need to make a fuss. No one's around to help."

With panicked realization in his eyes as he looked at Lyra's passionately grinning face, a regretful "Oh, right… I was being violated…" passed through John's mind, swiftly followed by more attempts to free himself and a muted yell.

Meanwhile, in the relatively peaceful village of Ponyville, the somewhat recently coronated Twilight Sparkle was pensively looking at a new letter from Princess Celestia that had arrived several seconds earlier.

"I don't know Spike." she hesitantly told the little dragon who had given the letter to her "It's almost like there's something wrong with Celestia's hornwriting today… It's quite hard to read."

"But from what I can gather we need to bring the Elements of Harmony to Canterlot, but why?" she continued, worry rising in her heart "Oh sweet Celestia! This must be something serious! Maybe a changeling attack? Or the return of Nightmare Moon? Or something so much worse we can't even imagine it!" she finally exclaimed, holding here head in her hooves.

"Just, please don't panic!" Spike reassuringly pleaded "We can defeat it, whatever there is."

The other didn't listen however "What threat there could be that even the royal Princess herself can't deal with? And can we do it then?" she kept on rambling before suddenly exclaiming "We need to gather all my friends immediately! I feel like Equestria's fate depends on it."

The next second, she was gone, the castle's doors wildly swinging in her wake.

"That is at least a step in the right direction…" Spike sourly sighed before suddenly getting teleported onto Twilight's back.

Laying, unable to move, in the midst of a rapidly decaying Canterlot Castle, on a bed of intangible yet unnaturally soft smoke, John slowly reflected on his condition.

"I think my brain reached a level of utter fear and disgust that just made it completely numb at this point…" he internally sighed, fearful of somehow disturbing the mare that was lying upon him.

"No, don't remind me of it, closing my eyes, I almost managed to phase out of reality here." he shuddered, feeling Lyra slowly stir as she affectionately caressed his cheek with a soft "Shhhh…"

"I mean, she ain't doing anything too illegal right now but…" John's thoughts were interrupted by a sudden kiss.

Suppressing shudders, he regretfully mused "And I thought eating cake with Celestia was weird…"

"You know what this feels like right now? Some half-assed clopfic where the author was constantly struggling to keep it softcore because he had no idea of what was supposed to happen afterwards…"

…

Suddenly, Lyra shifted again. And after a pop of teleportation, John felt her weight no longer upon him. Hopefully opening his eyes, he saw the other concernedly standing at a slight distance.

"How could I have forgotten!" she regretfully exclaimed "After years of study of the human race, I had determined that they absolutely love socks!" With this exclamation, the latter immediately appeared on her legs with a magical pop. She then looked John right into the eyes with overwhelming hope and passion.

"I must say that is better." he reluctantly admitted, after thorough consideration of the socks "But it still only slightly reduces my overwhelming fear and urge to flee."

"Perfect." the other replied, immediately teleporting back to her previous position, only clenching John even tighter. The tingle of fur upon his skin was now partially altered by that of soft silk.

"You know, this kind of situations is a great display of why you shouldn't draw pentagrams on the floor with ketchup. It may lead to very unforeseen consequences…"

In the meanwhile, the agitated Element bearers steadily walked through the Everfree Forest, mostly unaware of the scale of the threat they faced. That didn't really stop from trying to guess it though.

"Oh, I know, maybe Discord is back being evil again and the town is drowning in chocolate rain!" Pinkie Pie excitedly exclaimed "Or maybe it's a giant pastry monster, coming to avenge its fallen brothers. Or worse, I'm completely sure of this one: a shortage of cake!"

"Pinkie, stop!" Rarity sternly intervened "Twilight is already panicked enough."

"No, no, no, she's right!" the latter immediate argued, completely panicked "It must be something terrible!"

"No. It's not necessarily a bad emergency." the other reassuringly replied, placing a comforting hoof on Twilight's back.

"But look, she… she even wrote HELP here and that could only mean one thing: that… that she needs our help!" the Princess restlessly stuttered, heavily breathing.

"I can't argue with that, darling." Rarity admitted with a calm smile "But I must say that help doesn't always mean defense from world-ending threats. Perhaps she's just needs us to help her recover from a rough party." she proposed after a moment in her thoughts.

"But… But the Elements of Harmony!" Twilight yelped, agitatedly spreading her wings.

"You have no idea how rough parties can be these days…" Rarity simply reassured.

Applejack also placed a hoof on Twilight's back. She quickly glanced at Celestia's letter "I sure can't read, but that paper ain't sayin' anythin' 'bout end of the world, does it?" she confidently asked.

"N-no, it doesn't but…" Twilight stuttered "But her writing just seemed so shaky and weird! I've never seen anyone write like that!"

Approaching, Rainbow Dash snatched the letter from Twilight's magic "Nah, don't worry!" she exclaimed, looking at it with mild interest before tossing it back "I, for example write like that all the time!"

The letter got caught by the wind, swaying in the air before almost getting blow away if it wasn't for Fluttershy "You should really stop worrying all this much, Twilight." She calmly said, giving the letter back to the panicked mare "You know, the world isn't always about saving it. And now, you should relax. Because even if something bad had happened to Canterlot, I'm sure Princess Celestia would have easily taken care of it herself."

Twilight took a deep breath, trying to expel the apocalyptic scenarios from her mind. They were already going down the stairs to the Cave of Harmony and even if there was something to worry about, it would never stand a chance against the Elements. Or would it? No, there was no need to be scared. Everything was OK. Probably…

After they descended into the cave, taking the Elements one by one from their ancient pedestals and putting them on, all felt soothing calm rise in their hearts. There was nothing to fear.

"I'll teleport us all to Canterlot, I just need to make sure there isn't anything bad happening." Twlight suddenly announced, encompassing everypony in her magical glow.

"What? Then why do we always bother going there by train, when you can just do that?"

And as he…

"Oh, you're back! Back again…" John internally remarked, emerging from his thoughts for a second "You know, I might have accepted my fate, but it'd still really be nice if you actually saved me at some point instead of disappearing god-knows-where?"

He felt Lyra's lips touching his skin at questionable locations "Argh, and now that you're describing it, it's much harder to ignore too…"

But while John's torment continued, little did he know of what was happening outside.

"Oh, now you're getting me interested."

Indeed, the next second, following a panicked "Sweet Celestia, what is this?!", the prismatic ray of the Element's unaltered light washed over the corrupted remainders of Canterlot Castle. Its raw power immediately started to banish the unearthly mist that had settled there into nothingness, and those within this mist felt this very light slowly burning them too.

"Fuck, I would have never thought I'd be thankful for this… Cause now, it is time for me to die, painfully and honorably. I mean, as honorably as someone who caused the death of a world, before fleeing from it to attempt mostly the same thing here but failing this time and almost getting fucked can do it, but still honorably." John confidently sighed, looking around at the depleting smoke.

As the corruption retreated however, a part of especially concentrated mist above the castle formed into a draconic head. Cosmic Chaos' last roar resounded all around Canterlot "ARGH! COWARDS! YOU CANNOT RELY ON YOUR TRINKETS FOREVER! THE DAY OF MY RETURN SHALL COME!"

"Yeah, yeah… That's basically what you said the last two times…" John skeptically dismissed in the meantime "Ah, I hoped I'd be able to skip this part of being evil… Well, I guess being a villain just isn't really worth it then…"

The next second, he felt an embrace strengthen around him and remembered Lyra's exitance "Ah, at last! We shall be forever united." she extatically whispered into his ear.

"OK, PLEASE KILL ME FASTER!"

As all smoke disappeared from his surroundings though, only the overwhelming light of the Elements encompassing all his vision, John did not die.

Neither of them did. It was simply against the Elements' nature to kill. Well, except that one time when they were used on King Sombra, because fuck that guy.

Instead, the burning light had banished them to a safe distance, draining them of their stolen power wich returned to their original owners.

Equestria was saved once again.

"…Wha…"

"What the fuck, I'm not dead? Where am I then?"

"Oh, it's pretty hot around here and I can see the Earth beyond the horizon so…"

"You're on the Sun."

"Oh, it actually ain't that bad here… There even isn't a narrator, great."

"I've definitely seen worse…"

"Yeah, and then, I guess I did what I wanted now: I've become an Edgy Villain. Because the most important part of being a villain really is how you get defeated and banished to eternal sufferings. And here it is for me."

"My eternal sufferings aren't even that bad, I feel."

"And now, we can finally be together for eternity, my dear!"

"Oh, fuck no! I forgot she's here too. I take my words back! Get me out of here!..."

Author's Note

No, that is not one of these shitty cliffhangers I appreciate so much. That's the end of it. And I hope you liked it. Because, as much as I appreciate the person who added this to the Never Ending Stories group not too long ago, you were sadly wrong.

Thank you all for reading this fic for all this time. Like, it's been going for a whole fucking year with varying regularity (and I missed its anniversary by only a few days too, which is pretty stupid...)! I just can't believe it! I'm really impressed by how many people enjoy my ramblings.

But whatever, I'll end the generic thank-you message here.

Also, by the way, if there are people who still want more of John's shitty adventures, I might write some form of sequel to this, but for the moment, I'm at least taking a break (yeah, another one).