A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

After a quick teleportation the farthest away he could master, John excitedly exclaimed "OK, what's my plan now?! I'm too fucking stressed! Please let me actually do my thing for once!"

After an extremely hopeful look to the sky he brough his gaze back to his newfound staff "OK, so if I recall it correctly, this thing is supposed to be able to siphon magic…"

"Yes, now, please conquer this whole world for me to rule…" Sombra inconspicuously whispered within his mind "Ah, he'll never see it coming."

"Hey, I could just hear you, right now, you forgot?" John sourly remarked as he heard the other's schemes pass through his bustling thoughts "And I thought I could finally trust someone…"

"I mean, it was kinda my fault for picking an evil King of shadows from a race that feeds on fear and despair as this someone, but still..."

"Oh." the other simply sighed as he realized his mistake.

"Well, you know what, despite the fact I'm pretty sure your plans aren't really worth much more than mine, I think I'll just test this Staff on you." John pensively declared after a small pause.

He pointed the Staff on his chest.

"No, please! Your King commands you to immediately cease these schemes!" the other barely had the time to exclaim, before ethereal tendrils sprouted from the crystal atop the staff, encompassing the horn in John's chest.

"Oh wow, edgemancy! By far the best kind of magic in my opinion." John sneeringly remarked as he watched it operate.

Dark energy started escaping from Sombra's last piece just to be instantly imprisoned within the Staff's crystal.

"Aaaaaargh!" the pained yell resounded through John's mind.

"Yep, it seems to work pretty well too." he confidently concluded, feeling more mana come into his control "And now, let's finally make all of this decorative jewelry useful..."

With a content grin, John brought his gaze to his many artifacts. But before he could put any more of his plan into action, another pained exclamation interrupted him.

"Argh…" echoed through his mind "I feel weak like no worthy King should ever feel…" Sombra faintly whined "But this shall not last a single instant longer… My revenge shall be imminent! Face my uncontained wrath!"

"Oh, you're not dead yet?" John happily exclaimed in response "Nice."

"Die!" the other weakly silply yelled. And as he did, a small chunk of crystal, no bigger than a hoof appeared on the ground, immediately feebly attempting to launch in John's direction but simply falling to the ground instead.

"Let's just say that this wasn't… very impressive…" John skeptically sighed, wanting to kick the crystal but seeing it immediately crumble into dust "Yeah…"

"You know what? I'll just do you a favor and end your sufferings at this point…" he decided after a short pause.

"Please don't!..." Sombra weakly yelped but it was too late. The Staff was already aimed right at his horn, rapidly absorbing the last remnant of his powers.

"Yeah, so now that… Oh, fuck." suddenly, John crumbled to the ground, feeling terrible pain spark in his chest. Looking down, he saw blood abundantly dripping to the ground.

"Ah, yeah… Sombra was the one stopping me from dying since I have a fucking chunk of crystal horn stuck in my heart…" he weakly mumbled struggling to remain conscious despite the rapid blood loss.

With a desperate "I need to fix this." he concentrated all of his wavering will on his Staff and on the ultimate wish to remain alive, hoping that this was roughly the way magic works.

Thankfully it was. As in the next instant, he felt soothing warmth run through his body, replacing and banishing the cold void that was already starting to settle within.

"God, I nearly killed myself here…" John nervously sighed "A nice change from when other people try to do it…"

After taking a deep breath and steadying himself, John calmly stood back up "OK, so now that I've murdered the closest thing I had to a friend and am no longer dying, let's return to my plans."

And with a nonchalant "Alright, as I was saying, it's time to make all this magic junk finally useful." he pointed his Staff at himself once again, now aiming at the amulets that covered his neck.

"Yeah, and, I got the idea: spooky magic absorption thing." he carelessly remarked in the next second "So you really don't need to reiterate it for the next few minutes as I steal the power of all this shit."

…

Once all fo the jewels' was imprisoned within the Staff, John sighed a sigh of great relief "OK, now I think there shouldn't be anything in this whole world able to defeat me…" he confidently declared "Except plot convenience and the magic of bullshit of course, but I'm not taking these into account…"

"Yep, it's time to conquer the world!" he happily exclaimed after rapidly coming up with the rough sketch of some vague villainous monologue.

The next second, he was gone.

As a magical pop echoed through Canterlot Castle it was swiftly followed with a triumphant yell "HAHA! FOOLS, MY TIME TO TAKE THE THRONE HAS COME! AND I SHALL… Wait, a minute, there's no one here... Why am I yelling?" he disappointedly interrupted himself.

"Who dares to disturb the Princesses' meal?" a familiar indignant voice suddenly asked from behind an opening door sevral second later.

The next instant, Princess Luna emerged from behind said door with a stern frown upon her face.

"Yeah, so I should probably reenact my entrance then…" John pensively decided before yelling once again "THE HOUR OF MY RUTHLESS REIGN HAS COME! AND ITS GLORY SHALL LAST FOR… at least a minute, I hope… Anyway, BOW TO ME BEFORE I ANNIHALATE YOU!" he theatrically declared, attempting the most threatening voice he could master, which really wasn't that good.

"Yeah, I should probably learn some voice modifier spells…"

After a quick pause, he corrected his declaration "No, actually I won't annihilate you, cause that'd be completely useless…"

Before Luna could react to it in any way however, John even more dramatically cried out "But instead I shall do this!" pointing his Staff on the bewildered Princess. The same arcanic tendrils…

"Argh… Yeah, yeah, I aldeary said I got how this thing works; you can stop describing it now!"

…

And as more power flowed into the Staff, Luna weakly yet heatedly asked "What is this vile spell? How art thou doing this?"

"Well, you should have known the plot of the movie. It's pretty easy actually…" John mockingly started "Except the movie's supposed to be happening in the future or rather right now…" he then remarked, now slightly troubled "I'm kinda replacing the movie's Storm King here, when you think about it… I really hope I don't end up as a broken statue…"

"What is happening here?!" Celestia suddenly exclaimed, breaking John's digressing thoughts as she rushed into the throne room in a mix of determination and panic. Her horn was shining bright with menacing magic.

"No, tis too late! Do not intervene!" Luna desperately exclaimed, but it was too late: John had already pointed his Staff on her sister, immediately forcing the latter to crumble to the ground.

"Yeah, so while you're getting drained of your powers, can you please explain me how the fuck did your country not crumble into nothingness yet when you've got shit like this just lying around, for any dumbass like me to take?" he casually asked, a mix of mocking concern and genuine curiosity upon his face.

Before he could get any answer however, a completely different voice echoed through the throne room. A voice that immediately sent shivers running down John's spine as he turned around to make sure of its origin.

"So, we finally meet again!" extatically exclaimed Lyra, suddenly existing a wall on the other side of the room.

"Oh, Fuck no!"

It was then that a different yet also terrifyingly familiar voice spoke "You thought you could escape, me?"

A second later, as Lyra suddenly teleported just in front of John's quivering face, he noticed the star-shaped amulets that ornated her neck "Sorry to interrupt your little fantasies, my dear." she softly murmured, now somehow speaking right into his ear "But the time has now come for me to take my revenge." Cosmic Chaos ruthlessly concluded with her own voice, as thick layers of purple smoke started to pour from Lyra's maniac eyes.

The crippled Princesses watched the whole scene in panicked awe. It was only after several long seconds completely frozen in place, that Celestia focused the remainders of her forces to carefully start crawling away.

"I don't have time for that."

And as Lyra finally lunged on the human to catch him in her long-awaiting embrace, John immediately used all of his mental and newfound magical power to teleport the furthest away from this throne room he could possibly master.

"Phew…" the next instant, he found himself standing on a cloud amidst the almost empty sky above high mountain peaks "Oh, right. Thanks to the Princesses, I can walk on clouds now." he contently remarked carefully peaking down.

This short moment of respite was however quickly interrupted by the addition of a purplish hue to the cloud's substance.

"God, no…"

And the next second, an obsessed smile still stuck on his lips, Lyra emerged right from its interior.

"Why was I expecting this…" John anxiously sighed before suddenly remembering about his Staff "Oh fuck yeah! I completely forgot I could just use it to siphon their magic. That'd make the situation relatively safe again!... I hope at least…"

Willing to point his Staff at the mare standing in front of him, he quickly realized she was in fact no longer standing in front of him. The next second, he felt soft fur brush against his leg "Yeah, that was to be expected too…"

He immediately pointed his Staff in said fur's direction "God, please, let this work!" John pleaded with a hopeful grimace. And as the same thaumatic tendrils sprouted from within the crystal's interior…

"Fuck yeah! Thanks so much, narrator!"

…They were immediately forced to retreat back by a lash of purple mist that erupted from Lyra's horn.

"You really thought it'd be that easy?" Cosmic Chaos' voice echoed from all around, making John anxiously glance at the sky "I take my words back; fuck you narrator!"

"Don't even consider it, you can never escape." Lyra's soft voice suddenly whispered as John felt her lips touching his ear.

When he jerkily jumped back and turned to see her however, there was nothing there but purple smoke. And this smoke seemed to be spreading to everything "It's almost at horror shit levels now… I'm really starting to freak out." The next second, he saw nothing but purple haze. And in this haze, a pair of softly glowing eyes appeared just in front of him, rapidly growing even closer.

In utter panic now, John immediately looked around in search of an escape route, suddenly remembering the existence of the Staff in his hands. With a trepid "Fuck this." he teleported back to Canterlot Castle.

"Please, tell me the Princesses had a back-up plan or something." he mumbled, panickily glancing around to see both of them gone "Good. If they got away, they might even end up helping me against this nightmare… Or they're just dead."

"God, I knew getting this Staff so easily meant nothing good…" he uneasily muttered, giving the artifact in his hand a frightened look before pleadingly raising his eyes to the ceiling "Why you gotta do this to me, narrator?"

The next second, he felt something touch his foot "Oh god, not again…" Looking down however, all he saw was a small cloud of purple mist.

"That's still not good." he mumbled, immediately attempting to free his foot. It was unsuccessful. And as he heard a maniac laugh echo all around, forcing him to shiver while his sight desperately darted to every sign of movement, John suddenly felt the Storm King's Staff being torn from his hand.

"Oh."

The next second, a flow of purple mist flooded the room as an unstoppable tsunami of terrifying arcane might. He heard Lyra's falsely reassuring voice from behind his back "You won't need that now."

Attempting to run only to realize his foot was still firmly held still by Cosmic Chaos' mist, John almost stumbled to the ground.

"God, I'm so fucking terrified, I can't even master chiming in some random comical bullshit to break the tension at this point."

Suddenly, he found himself imprisoned within Lyra's tight embrace, as she teleported to him with a fulfilled sigh.

"Alright, this ain't that bad, but I'm pretty sure it won't be so gentle for too long…"

"I knew this moment would come…" she extatically murmured, her smooth voice almost seeming to come from within John's head now.

As the bonds on his legs eased, but only for a moment, John felt himself falling to the strangely soft floor, still entrapped in her embrace.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I was talking about…"

He felt a gentle hoof poke his nose "Boop." Lyra sheepishly giggled, immediately tightening her ebrace even more.

"OK, now this is beyond all levels of menacing."

"You should have never messed with forces far beyond your mortal understanding." Cosmic Chaos ruthlessly added, her mocking grin materializing in front of John's eyes "Now enjoy your punishment. I'll watch…"

"Alright, guess I'll die then… No, this is way worse actually." John internally sighed before completely snapping "PLEASE, SOMEONE FUCKING SAVE ME!"

Yet no one did. There, powerless, he lied, waiting for his ultimate doom to come…

"No, this can't be the end! It just can't…"