6 - Wherein Jean Socializes

“YOU WORTHLESS,” a table flew across the room, “USELESS,” part of the roof caved in, “ABOMINATION!!”  Viktor sat in the middle of his second story lab, teeth bared, eyes narrowed, and breathing labored.  His lab was in a state of disarray – materials had been flung everywhere and liquid jelly stained the floor.  Jean sat in the corner furthest away from Viktor and stared at him with wide eyes.  He attempted to reason with his creator.

“Viktor it’s really not that big a deal!”

“Not that big a deal?!  Within minutes of being born you’ve dedicated your life to the one pony I wish to destroy!  Now you’re just a liability!”

Viktor stomped over to Jean and thrust a hoof in his face.  “You’re… you’re… you’re an abomination!  A useless mistake of a lab assistant!  You’re like a dog, but worse!  You’re like a… a… DROG!  YOU’RE DROG.”

‘Drog’ stared at Viktor quizzically.  “What does Drog even mean?”

“It means you’re useless!  Now get out of my sight Drog, before I do something we both regret.”  The young colt bolted downstairs without any further resistance.

Alone once again, Viktor sighed and hung his head.

I failed.  I can’t believe I failed…

He solemnly kicked at a small chunk of metal at his hooves.  It bounced along the floor before landing in a small puddle of goo with a soft splash.  Suddenly realizing that he hadn’t slept since crawling out of his 1000-year resting place, Viktor lay on the cold laboratory floor.  Giving into fatigue and his newfound sense of melancholy, Viktor Splice allowed himself to drift off into a fitful slumber.

Days passed by in uneventful silence.  Sunlight crept through the barred windows one morning as Viktor lay in the wreckage of his laboratory, eyes shut tight and drool oozing from his mouth.  He mumbled something or other about organ failure and then rolled over with a low growl.  Meanwhile, Jean “Drog” Splice sat at the top of the stairwell and stared at his creator thoughtfully.  He owed Viktor his life, and hence ought to respect him as his father and creator.  But it was intended to be a life dedicated to vengeance on Celestia.  That’s what Viktor wanted. I don’t even know why he hates her, Jean thought.  And even if I did there’s no way I could help him.  My life is devoted to a higher form of morality, free from such primal desires as vengeance.  I hope he understands...  Jean strolled over to the sleeping unicorn and gently poked him on the shoulder.  A small grunt and wave of the hoof were all he received in response.  Scrunching up his face, Jean tried again with a more aggressive jab.  Viktor snapped his teeth and flicked his head around.  His eyes opened slightly, only to be met by the gaze of his worthless clone.

“Ugh, what do you want Drog?”

Jean rubbed his forehooves together nervously.  “Oh, morning Viktor.  I was actually wondering if it’d be alright for me to go into the nearby town.  There really isn’t much to do here except sit and eat apples.  I mean don’t get me wrong, apples are delicious and all, but uh…I was just born, as I’m sure you know, and I’d really like to try something else.  Get out and experience the world a bit you know?  If not I understand, but it’d be really ni—”

Viktor raised a hoof to cut him off.  “Just go.”  And with that, he rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

Jean sat beside Viktor for a few moments, wondering if there was anything else he ought to say or do.  After a few moments of stifling silence, Jean decided it’d be best if he obeyed his creator’s wishes and just left.  He moved towards the stairwell, taking one final glance at the defeated lump of a pony lying on the cold lab floor before heading out into the sunlight of a promising new day.

“Wow this is lovely!”  Jean shouted as he skipped along.  The sunlight beamed down upon the little colt, warming his fur and putting a spring in his step.  Initially he had been scared out of his mind – the depths of the Everfree Forest remain in a state of perpetual darkness no matter what time of day it is.  And the predator-infested hell-hole that is the Everfree Forest was no place for a newborn colt, even if said colt was gifted with intellect that spanned centuries.  Fortunately, Jean had eventually managed to find the one relatively safe dirt path that cut right through the forest, and was hence able to trot along unencumbered and enjoy his first true day of living.

Jean looked up to the sky.  A flock of birds flitted along, cutting through the few clouds sitting in an otherwise cloudless sky.  “I honestly don’t understand why Viktor hates her so much.”  Jean spoke aloud.  “Her sun is what makes all this virility possible!  And the sunlight feels so… mmm… wonderful!”  He continued along the one-way path to Ponyville, half-bounding, half-frolicking, and humming all the way.

As he walked the forest began to thin out.  Sunlight only appeared to grow more and more intense the farther away one got from the forest, and once he was clear of its branches Jean felt as though a large weight had been lifted on his shoulders.  The Everfree sure did have an effect on impressionable young ponies.  In front of Jean lay the small town of Ponyville.  He stared in a state of awe and wonderment at the multitude of bright, colorful buildings all nestled together in a cozy-looking fashion.  He could see shades of blue, red, green, and even pink.  All colors of the rainbow, which was a vast improvement from the drab dull-white and silver-gray of Viktor’s lab.

A large sign on the side of the rode greeted the colt pleasantly: “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE, HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!”  Jean’s smile only grew upon reading this.  Finally some sanity in this world!  Wasting no time at all, Jean broke into a full-on sprint towards the promised-land.

Houses lined the edges of the street as Jean walked, and ponies darted left and right across his field of vision.  Everyone appeared to have someplace to go, but not so much so that they were rude.  Neighbors made it a point to smile and wave to those they knew, and the residents offered extended greetings to those they didn’t know.  Jean was fortunate enough to receive such greetings.  The passerby’s stopped to speak with him in large numbers, only growing more interested in him once they learned he was from out of town.  He gladly answered all of their questions concerning the weather and how he’s enjoyed Ponyville so far, but he tended to avoid questions such as “where are you from?” or “where are your parents?”  Jean had just finished a nice chat with a young mare selling roses by the side of the road when he found himself being tackled to the ground by a blur of pink.

He rolled and bounced, landing on his back with a small thump.  Rubbing the back of his head and creaking open his eyes ever so slowly, Jean was met with blue eyes even brighter than his own.  The perpetrator practically beamed rainbows at him.

“Hi there!  My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?”

“I’m—”

“I’m sorry I tackled you to the ground, but I just got soo excited when I saw you!  I mean, it isn’t every day that somepony new moves to Ponyville.  More than that, it isn’t every day a young colt moves to town!  Not to say I don’t like it when adults move to town, but there are enough of them already, you know what I mean?  I just love children – they know how to have a good time!  Like jumping rope, playing hide-and-seek, hoofball – oh I can’t wait to do all those wonderful things with you, my new friend!”

At this the young mare sat on her haunches and lifted Jean into the air with her forehooves.  She continued babbling even as he opened his mouth to speak.

“You’re so adorable, do you know that?  How old are you?  8?  10?  Actually,” she looked around, “where are your parents?  If you’re new to Ponyville that must mean your family recently moved here.  Are you exploring town all by yourself?  That must be so scary for a young colt living in a new place!  Don’t worry though – your Auntie Pinkie Pie is here to be your Ponyville guide!”  She pulled Jean up against her side with one hoof and saluted with the other.  “And once we’ve seen all of Ponyville, I can throw you a super special surprise party to welcome you to town!  Oh but you aren’t supposed to know that yet…”

Jean pushed himself away from Pinkie as she appeared to be lost in thought.  He gasped, breathing in all the oxygen the mare had pushed out of him since she began her rant.  She appeared as though she were about to start speaking again, but Jean held up his hoof to silence her.

“This all sounds great Pinkie, but give me a moment to respond yeah?  First of all, my name is Jean Splice.  My… father… and I just moved to Ponyville yesterday, and I’m taking the time to look around while my dad gets settled in.  I’d love for you to show me around town – it’s my first time here and I want to get to know the place.  And I promise, I didn’t hear about any ‘surprise party’.”  He winked.  Pinkie’s smile reached her ears.

“Well alright then!  Let’s get going, there’s so much for you to see!”

Pinkie skipped down the road, expecting Jean to follow her.  He did so at a more deliberate pace, taking in the sights and sounds of Ponyville as he walked along.  She was an exceptionally happy pony.  Pinkie Pie appeared to know everypony in town and had the right to call each and every one of them her friends.  She called others by name, asking them how they liked her most recent party and negotiating when they could have another.  It all made Jean smile.  Here was a pony who was Viktor’s polar opposite – fun-loving, optimistic, and best of all, not homicidal.  Pinkie rounded the corner of a nearby building, and as Jean followed her he witnessed the most beautiful thing he’d seen since being born: a building constructed entirely of candy.

Pinkie saw Jean’s enthralled expression and giggled softly.  “I thought you might like this place.  This,” she jumped in front of Jean and threw her arms up dramatically, “is Sugarcube Corner!”

Jean wiped the drool off his chin before responding.  “So, it’s a bakery?”

Pinkie laughed.  “Not just any bakery.  It’s the best bakery in all of Ponyville.  No, in all of Equestria!  And you know why?”  Jean shook his head.  “Because I work here!  Not to brag, but I do make a mean cupcake.”

She took note of Jean’s hungry face.  “Would you like to try some?”  He nodded so hard one could hear his teeth clacking together.  Pinkie Pie led him through the shop’s doorway and up to the counter.  Upon entering, an aroma of extreme pleasure wafted its way towards Jean’s nose.  They tickled his sinuses and danced upon his tongue, and although he’d never smelled sweets in all his life, he somehow knew where each smell originated.  It was as though some unconscious memory, gained from Viktor and locked away in the young colt’s mind, was at work identifying known aspects of a world Jean had never seen firsthand.

“Is that…” he inhaled, “apple pie??”

Pinkie nodded.  “Sure is!  Made fresh by Mrs. Cake.  Wow, you sure have a good sense of smell Jean.”

“Actually I just, really like apple pie… apparently.”  Or maybe Viktor likes it and it just rubbed off on me?

“Well that’s good, because we have plenty of it!  Here, let me go grab you a slice on the house!”  As Pinkie bolted to the back room, Jean took the opportunity to really explore the bakery for the first time.

It was a bustling beehive of activity.  Mares and stallions alike sat at the multitude of tables scattered about the room, chatting with such mirth and gaiety.  Couples shared milkshakes, families enjoyed plates of cupcakes and other sweets, and fillies and colts ran about enjoying their youthful imaginations to the highest.  One cross-eyed mare in particular sat at a table piled high with muffins, and at the rate she was eating them Jean was certain she’d finish in no time.

I like it.  He thought.  All of it.  The world is much nicer than Viktor makes it out to be.  Just then the door to the shop swung open.  Jean turned towards a barrage of sunlight, causing him to shield his eyes lest he suddenly go blind.  As the doors swung shut and Jean’s vision cleared, he found himself in the presence of three beautiful fillies.  They were all about his age – not his actual age, but rather the age Viktor had accelerated him to.  Jean found himself immediately drawn to them and each of their unique qualities.  The coat of the unicorn on the far left shone bright white, reflecting her own purity and innocence.  Her pink and purple curls bounced in time with her hoofsteps, and her emerald green eyes wavered ever so slightly in the light.  The pegasus on the far right strut into the room with a sense of confidence Jean found alluring.  She flaunted a bright orange coat and light purple eyes, and the telltale helmet upon her head spoke volumes about her tomboyish attitude.  In between them stood a small mustard-colored filly with the biggest and most adorable bow to be found in all the lands of Equestria situated neatly atop her head.  Her face was downcast, her eyes appeared sorrowful, and both of her friends were trying their hardest to console her.  Jean suddenly realized he’d been staring at the trio and describing them as cute and alluring for far too long, and thus he averted his gaze once again.  They walked past him towards the counter, and as they did he caught a glimpse of their conversation.

“Come on Applebloom,” the small unicorn said, “we’re you’re friends now.  You can tell us what’s wrong.”

The small pegasus nudged her saddened companion.  “Is it because of what happened at Diamond Tiara’s party yesterday?  Don’t let what she said get to you.”

“Yeah, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.  Plus, if she hadn’t said all those mean things then we wouldn’t have become the Cutie Mark Crusaders!  In a way, Diamond Tiara’s party actually helped us…”

The orange pegasus stuck her tongue out in disgust.  “Eww don’t say that, you’re just gonna make her feel worse.”

Finally responding to their treatment, ‘Applebloom’ shook her head.  “No it ain’t that.  You remember what I told you girls about the farm right?”

“Oh yeah…” they replied in unison.  All three of them suddenly looked fairly melancholic.  Jean, though usually very astute in maintaining proper manners, gave into his curiosity and leaned forward to hear more.

Applebloom apparently noticed this, as she turned towards the young colt sitting at an awkward tilt and raised an eyebrow.  “Well hello there, I’ve never seen you before.”

Shocked, Jean fell to the floor, hitting his chin in an ungraceful manner.  He quickly sat upright and rubbed the back of his head nervously.

“Oh, uh, yeah, um…” Formulating a complete sentence suddenly became an impossible task for the colt – getting caught eavesdropping made him quite flustered.  Fortunately, Pinkie Pie chose that precise moment to trot out of the back room with a plate of delectable apple pie balanced delicately atop her head.

“Here you are Jean, on the house!  And on my head!”  She giggled at her poor joke before plopping the plate in front of the young pony.  Pinkie turned her attention to the three fillies.  “Oh hey girls, how are you doing?  It’s only been a day and you three are already best friends!”

The three of them nodded slowly, their wary gazes still focused squarely on Jean.  He gulped.  Pinkie took note of this and reacted quickly.

“I see you’ve met Jean!  Isn’t he just the most adorable colt ever?”  She squeezed his cheeks, causing him to blush heavily and eliciting a snicker from the three girls.  “He’s new to town, so I’m showing him around.”

“Oh that makes sense,” Applebloom responded.  “Ah thought you looked a little lost there mister.  Sorry for staring at you like that.”  She gave Jean a small wave.  “Mah name is Applebloom.”

“I’m Sweetie Belle!”

“And I’m Scootaloo!”

“And we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”  The three of them sang out in unison as they struck a pose.

“The Cutie Mark what what?”  Jean wondered aloud.

Applebloom shook her head.  “No, the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“We’re on a mission to find our special talents,” Sweetie added.

“And earn our cutie marks!”  Scootaloo finished.

The three of them turned around, revealing their blank flanks.  Jean nodded his head understandingly.  “I get it.  That’s pretty cool, forming a group to learn who you really are.”  He looked down solemnly.  “I could use something like that.”

Sweetie Belle cocked her head.  “Are you a blank flank too?”

“No,” Jean replied.  “But my special talent doesn’t really match up with my life.”  He turned so they could catch a glimpse of Celestia upon his behind.  “I get ridiculed for it, even at home…”

Scootaloo squinted her eyes.  “Celestia?  I don’t get it, what’s your special talent?”

Jean shook his head.  “It doesn’t really matter.  I just know my father despises me for it.”

Pinkie Pie, who up until now had been eating Jean’s pie without his knowledge, looked up in a state of shock.  “What!  How can somepony not like their own son??  That big meanie…”

Jean laughed.  “Tell me about it.”

“Why I have half a mind to go over there and teach him a thing or two about…”

Jean laughed harder.  “No stop.  It’s fine really.  It’s just that, well I too have a hard time trying to figure out what my one true purpose in life is.  All’s I’m saying is that I get what you guys are trying to do, and I fully support it.”

Suddenly a large blue Earth pony with a mountain of pink hair atop her head came running out of the back room.

“Pinkie Pie!” she called out, “what are you doing out here?  Lyra’s party is in an hour and we don’t have anything finished yet!”

Pinkie Pie jumped to her hooves.  “Oh shoot!  Lyra’s party, I totally forgot!”  She danced in place, looking between Jean and Mrs. Cake.  “I’m so sorry Jean, but the rest of the tour is going to have to wait, I really need to do this!”

Jean smiled.  “It’s fine Pinkie, you’ve shown me plenty—”

“Tour?  You mean around Ponyville?  We can show him!”  Sweetie Belle piped up.  Jean stared at her dumbstruck while Pinkie gasped loudly.

“That’s such a good idea!”  the pink pony shouted.  “Alright girls, I’m trusting you to show Jean the ropes.  Don’t let me down.  Catch you guys later!”  And with that, Pinkie Pie dashed into the kitchen.

Scootaloo bumped against Sweetie Belle slightly.  “Why’d you offer us up as tour guides?  No offense Jean, but Applebloom hasn’t been feeling well lately.  I doubt she wants to show somepony around town right now.”

Sweetie shook her head.  “That’s exactly why I did it.  If we take Jean around Ponyville, maybe it’ll help take Applebloom’s mind off her farm.”

Smiling, Applebloom nudged Sweetie Belle.  “That’s actually a pretty good idea.  Plus I always like meetin’ new folks.  Come on Jean, we’ve got plenty tah show you!”

And with that, the three fillies led Jean Splice into the light of a new day in Ponyville.

“And this one time I pulled a wicked flip off of that wagon over there!”  Scootaloo whooped as she motioned off to one side of the street.  She puffed her chest up proudly, allowing her humbler friends to bask in her amazing glow.  Sweetie Belle and Applebloom rolled their eyes knowingly, but Jean smiled.  He admired Scootaloo’s confidence – it made her interesting to be around.

“That’s pretty sweet Scoots, but don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit?”

Scootaloo faltered in her step.  “Are you kidding me Jean?  Do you even know who you’re talking to?  The only other pony in this whole town with more awesomeness than me is Rainbow Dash, and as far as I can remember, she’s never pulled a triple back flip on a scooter before.”

Jean shook his head.  “I’m not doubting your abilities.  Just saying that it sounds an awful lot like somepony is stretching the truth a bit.”

Scootaloo stammered with her words as she tried to think of a response.  She instead elected to shove her face into Jean’s menacingly, causing the young colt to back down at her sudden display of aggressiveness.  “Ten bits says I could do a quadruple back flip and still stick a perfect landing.”

Sweetie Belle facehoofed as Applebloom stifled a giggle.  “Jean why are you encouraging her?”

Jean grinned back at the two of them.  “Because it’s fun.”  He turned his attention back to Scootaloo.  “You’re on girl.  Ten bits says you can’t do it.”

Scootaloo smiled devilishly before shoving her helmet further onto her head.  As she rode away on her scooter to get to a good starting distance, Jean sat on his haunches and turned to the other members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Their day thus far had been most enjoyable.  After making out with an assortment of baked goodies from Sugarcube Corner, the three fillies had shown Jean every point of interest to a young colt looking for fun in a strange new town.  He’d seen every warren, hill, and valley worthy of an extensive game of hide-and-seek or capture-the-flag, and had his fair share of pratfalls when attempting to climb the taller trees in Ponyville.  The CMC brought Jean to their favorite shops in town, Sweetie Belle’s being that of her sister Rarity, the Carousel Boutique.  Unfortunately, business seemed to be swelling on that particular day, and Ms. Rarity couldn’t even be bothered to make an appearance and risk ignoring the onslaught of potential customers.  After leaving the shop Jean had become especially curious about the personal lives of the Crusaders.  Sweetie Belle seemed to spend much of her time helping her sister with her latest fashion line, and Jean learned quickly that Scootaloo spent her days tailing after the adventurous exploits of a mare named Rainbow Dash.  And upon learning that Applebloom lived on an apple farm, Jean grew incredibly excited at the prospect of visiting a field ripe with his favorite fruit.  But alas, it appeared he had hit a tender nerve, for the very mention of her farm caused poor Applebloom to suddenly become very morose for reasons her friends assured him were nothing to worry about.  Jean respected her privacy and instead used his adorable charm to fetch Applebloom a free bouquet of roses in hopes of cheering her up.  It did.

Since then the four of them had spent their time aimlessly wandering the streets of Ponyville, shooting the breeze about whatever random topic came to mind.  As Jean now sat next to Sweetie Belle and Applebloom, waiting for Scootaloo to rev up her wings and take flight, he was exceptionally happy that he could call them all “friends”, or at least “very good acquaintances”.

“Thanks for showing me around today guys.  I wouldn’t be lying if I said this has been the best day of my life so far.”

The other two giggled.  “It’s our pleasure Jean,” Applebloom retorted, “plus ya said your thanks with that bouquet of roses you got me.  Which, might I add, was quite delicious.”

“I had a great time today too Jean.”  Sweetie Belle piped up.  “You made Applebloom feel better and got Scootaloo to flex her competitive muscles.  What more could you ask for?”  She smirked.

Before he could respond Scootaloo could be heard calling from a distance.  “Are you guys watching this?”

Jean cupped his hooves over his mouth.  “All eyes are on you Scoots!”

“Good!  You aren’t gonna wanna miss this!”

I have a feeling that you may be right Scootaloo.  Jean thought to himself.

It’s difficult to describe the perfect failure that was this moment in time.  Scootaloo was prepped beyond preparation – her wings ached in anticipation of jetting her across the smoothed dirt path, and her eyes were focused squarely on the wagon ahead of her.  She gripped the handlebars with the force of a stallion, and her leg muscles tightened as she secured her footing upon the scooter.  Jean and the others waved her down enthusiastically.  Other passerby’s noted her concentration and warily stepped out of the way.  Then, without another moment’s rest, she was off.  Faster than a speeding bullet and twice as deadly, Scootaloo rocketed off along the gravel and grit, teeth clattering as she rattled with her scooter.  She savored this moment.  It was the closest she could come to flying, this feeling of exhilaration she gained from riding her scooter.  She’d heard Rainbow Dash describe the weightlessness one feels when flying.  Not just a physical weightlessness, but a spiritual one, one that resonates deep within the self and allows full attainment of true enlightenment.  A sort of empowerment that only pegasi are blessed enough to know.  The sky’s the limit when a pegasus flies, and the same can be said for Scootaloo when she’s situated firmly upon her scooter.

She whizzed by her friends, and for a split second Jean caught of full glimpse of Scootaloo at her prime.  Her eyes were squinted into a confident glare, and mane whipped across her face as the wind rushed passed her.  He’d only known her for a day, but Jean Splice knew this is where Scootaloo belonged: living life on the fast-edge and always searching for new adventures wherever she went.

The beauty of that moment was short-lived however.  Life has a funny way of tripping one when he or she is at the top of their game.  For Scootaloo, this meant that the next rock she strode over was the one that broke the camel’s back, and her front-left tire was sent flying off from the collision.  She lost control shortly after that, swerving sharply away from the wagon as she approached it and instead heading back the way she came.  The other three knew something was wrong long before she could be heard screaming for them to get out of the way, but they were too transfixed in the absurdity of the moment to do anything but sit and stare dumbly.  Scootaloo stopped flapping her wings in an attempt to stop, but she had already worked up far too much momentum by this time and continued to shoot straight ahead.  Right.  Into.  Jean.  Splice.

She scooped up the confused colt before he could grasp what had happened.  Neither of them could see which way they were going, what with him laying across her handlebars blocking her view and he facing the wrong way, and they just so happened to bounce off the main road and off towards the market district of Ponyville.  They zig-zagged through the street at top speed, screaming all the way.  Ponies jumped left and right to get out of the way of the runaway scooter, and Applebloom and Sweetie Belle tailed not far behind.  Produce flew up into the air as they crashed through the stalls.  Cabbages, tomatoes, oranges, and even coleslaw found their way onto the back of Jean’s head.  Somehow the pair wound up riding along the counter of a cookware stall, and every one of the hanging pans clanged against Jean’s skull as they continued forward.

As they leapt off the stall Jean turned his head to get a glimpse of what lie ahead.  An upturned wagon met his eyes.  Oh son of a… were his last thoughts before they crashed into its side and flew into the air.  Time slowed to a crawl as Jean Splice, Scootaloo, the busted scooter, and a platter of produce sailed through the sky.  He knew it was going to hurt crashing back down to Earth, but for now he tried to enjoy the tranquility of weightlessness.  Jean noted the silent scream contorting onto Scootaloo’s face.  He could see Sweetie Belle and Applebloom making similar expressions, except with a stronger hint of horror to accompany them.  All eyes were on Jean and Scoots as they careened into the air, and for once neither of them appreciated the attention.  Below the pair of ponies sat a rapidly approaching hat stall.  The look on the owner’s face as the filly and colt crashed through the roof of his stall was priceless.

Jean awoke amidst a plethora of hats.  Fedoras, top hats, snapbacks, ball caps, even those rainbow-striped hats with the little propeller on top of them; all this and more lay strewn about the wreckage of the stall.  Scootaloo’s hind legs could be seen sticking out of the rubble, flailing about as her two friends tried to pull her out.  The shopkeep shouted something at the four of them menacingly, but the ringing in Jean’s ears made it far too incoherent for him to care.  As the young colt began to return to his senses, he noticed something sitting upon his head.  He looked up to find a small red fez situated neatly upon his cranium.  The sharp contrast of colors it created with his blue mane and silver fur seemed to fit perfectly, and Jean was very impressed with this fortunate turn of events.

He sat upright and turned to the CMC.

“Hey girls check it out!”  He pointed towards his new hat.

Scootaloo, now free from the trash, was still too dizzy to care.  Sweetie Belle and Applebloom voiced their approval.

“Well woulda look at that!  That hat looks mighty nice on ya Jean!”

“Yeah!  I’d say it was made just for you.”

Before Jean could ogle his new attire any longer, a sharp female voice boomed over his shoulder, startling the young fillies into submission.

“GIRLS!  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING??”

Jean whirled around to lay his eyes upon an adult Earth pony mare.  Her fur was a dark violet color, and her hair bounced in soft pink curls.  She glared at the younglings with dark green eyes – eyes usually filled with compassion that now only reflected anger.  Upon her flank sat three smiling flowers.  Big difference from her current demeanor.

Jean cowered under her accusing glance and backed up to sit with the other three.  They lowered their heads in shame as the mare scolded them.

“I am both disappointed and appalled in you three!  Not only did you skip class today, but here I find you damaging public property as part of your usual shenanigans!  What do you have to say for yourselves?”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders spoke in unison.  “We’re sorry Ms. Cheerilee…”

Jean Splice looked at his three friends guiltily – it was his fault for challenging Scootaloo – and he turned back to find Cheerilee staring him down at eye level.  He practically jumped out of his skin.

“And who might you be?  I haven’t ever seen you in class.”

Jean fumbled with his speech a bit, and would’ve continued to sit there shrinking under her gaze if Sweetie Belle hadn’t intervened.

“That’s Jean, he’s new to town and…” she was cut off by a sharp glance from Cheerilee.

“I see.  I’m sorry we have to meet under such sour conditions Jean, but I can’t say I’m too happy that you’re aiding in the mass destruction of Ponyville.  What do you have to say for yourself?”

Jean smiled sheepishly.  “Sorry?”

Cheerilee softened up a bit after receiving the fourth and final apology.  She stood up and looked at the four of them more calmly.

“I can’t say I’m happy that you skipped class today, especially when you’re causing mayhem instead.  But as long as you aren’t hurt I suppose that’s all that matters.”  The three young fillies looked up at their teacher sweetly.  “But I want you each to hand in a written explanation as to why you’d rather be breaking stalls than learning when you come to class tomorrow.”  They once again bowed their heads apologetically.

Jean, who had assumed he was in the clear, jumped when Cheerilee once again spoke to him.  “And I expect I’ll be seeing you in class tomorrow too?”

“Why would you assume that?” he asked.

She blinked.  “We’ll you’re new to town.  It’s only natural a growing young mind such as your own be nurtured with a proper education.”

Jean laughed.  “Oh goodness no, I don’t go to school.”

Cheerilee gasped.  “Don’t go to school?!  Nonsense, every young colt and filly goes to school.”

“Not me.  I don’t need it.  I know anything you could possibly teach me and more.  My dad made sure of that.”

Cheerilee snorted.  “Young man I don’t care how smart you think you are, you need a proper education.”  She advanced on him, causing Jean to step back.

“Hey no offence, but I don’t really think my education is any of your business.”

She glared at him.  “That’s where you’re wrong: education is my business.”  She lifted him by the scruff of his neck and began walking off with Jean dangling from her mouth.  “Come on, we’re going to see your parents about this attitude of yours.”

“Hey what-!”  Jean struggled helplessly in her grasp.  “Miss please, I really don’t need schooling!  Give me a practical exam, make me write an essay, something!  Just lemmego!”

Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo stood dumbfounded.

“What just happened?”  Applebloom asked.

Sweetie Belle shook her head.  “I have no idea.”

“Ey you stoopid kids!”  the shopkeep shouted at them.  “You gonna pay for his hat or what?  And what about my stall??”

The CMC gulped.

“Run?”  Scootaloo asked.

“Run” the other two responded.

“NOOOOBODY KNOWWWS!  THE TROUBLE I’VE SEEEEN!!”  Viktor hiccupped.  “NOOOBODY KNOWS MY SOORROOOW.”

The dark unicorn flailed about pitifully, throwing his hooves up in abject misery.  He lay on his back in the middle of his second floor laboratory doing the same thing he had been doing for the past couple of weeks: absolutely nothing.  Failing so completely in only the first few stages of his plans for revenge had robbed Splice of his prior motivation, and now he only wallowed in self despair.  Suddenly, a heavy pounding at the front door snapped him back to reality.

Viktor grumbled a bit before peeling himself off the floor and trudging downstairs.  Upon reaching the steel door to his lab, he opened it partially to find Drog sitting next to a young purple mare.  She scrunched up her nose as she looked Viktor up and down, no doubt put off by the fact that he smelled and looked like he hadn’t showered in weeks.  Viktor glared at her inquisitively.

“What?”  He asked curtly.

Despite his crude nature, Cheerilee responded with an air of kind formality.  “Good afternoon sir.  May I speak with the owner of the house?”

Splice opened the door fully and stared at Cheerilee with an eyebrow raised.  “Yeah, that’s me…”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”  She smiled sweetly. “My name is Ms. Cheerilee, the teacher at the Ponyville Schoolhouse.  It has come to my attention that your son is not receiving the proper education he so requires.”

“My son…?  Wha… How the hell did you find this place?”

“It’s my job to know when there is a child in need.”

“Uh huh… Drog!”

Jean jumped up and looked at Viktor expectantly.

“Go inside and get me a sample of neurotoxin from vat 2-A.  It’s one of the memory-suppressing strands I’m working on.”

Jean ran inside to do as he was told lest he face dire consequences.  Cheerilee on the other hoof, took no notice of Viktor’s strange behavior and continued to gab her gums relentlessly.

“I know it can be difficult moving into a new town and all, and it’s even more so for a young colt like Jean.  At this stage in his life what he really needs is a nurturing environment to better foster his intellectual and social growth”

Viktor rubbed his eyes with his hoof.  “Yeah that’s nice.  Drog!  Would you hurry up in there?”

“I really am sorry to intrude on you like this, but your son was so adamant about not needing to go to school that I knew something was wrong.  Surely you and your wife want him to be the best he can be?”

Viktor’s eyes widened with grief at the mention of his wife.  He shot Cheerilee a threatening look that seemed to dare her to continue talking.  She backed off a little.

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.  Single-parenting can be quite the daunting task, and I’m sure you’re doing everything you can to—”

Jean appeared at Viktor’s side carrying a syringe filled with a sickly-looking sample of yellow-brown liquid.

“Here you go ‘dad’,” he said.

“Ah, thank you Drog.”  Viktor snatched up the syringe in his forehooves while Cheerilee regained her bearings after her little hiccup.

“Well back to the issue at hand,” she continued, “I’m afraid I must inform you that it is illegal for a child his age not to be in school.”

“Right,” Viktor responded.  He flicked the tip of the needle with a hoof.  “Now hold still, this will only hurt a lot.”

“And I would like for your son to become a full-time student at the Ponyville Schoolhouse.”

Viktor, who was holding Cheerilee’s forearm in one hoof and the syringe in the other, paused and looked at her curiously.  “Wait a minute, you’re offering to take Drog OUT of this house and into YOUR school for hours a day?”

Cheerilee nodded.  “Well yes, I thought that was made cle—”

“HERE TAKE HIM!”  And with that, Viktor shoved Drog into Cheerilee’s arms and slammed the door in their faces.

Viktor leaned back against the door and sighed deeply.  Alone once again.  He tried to pull himself back upstairs, but found he lacked the strength to do even that.  Instead, he lay on the first floor of his lab and groaned deeply.

His stomach growled.  It seemed to be doing that a lot lately.  “Ugh would you shut up stomach?”  He shouted.  “Geez you’re so needy you know that?  Fine, I guess I’ll feed you…”  Viktor rolled over towards the basement door.  He kicked it open and slinked his way down the stairwell much like a snake.  Slink.  Slink.  Slink.  Keeping track of each step was all he could do to keep himself entertained.

Once he reached the bottom of the stairwell, Viktor came face to face with an ocean of apples.  The entire room was freezing cold, insulated as it was by its placement underground and his own ingenuity in designing an air conditioner.  Viktor stood up feebly, then dive-bombed into the pile of delicious fruit.  He backstroked through it, allowing the still-ripe skin of each apple to brush against his fur and cool his skin.

Oh I’m a sailing and rolling on the next rolling sea~  And it would be so lovely if you’d roll through with me~  As he swam, Viktor grabbed apple after apple and swallowed them happily.  He loved everything about apples.  Their crunch, their juiciness.  And ever since he got his teeth sharpened he didn’t have to worry about that annoying bit of peel that always seemed to get stuck in your gums.  As he ate, Viktor was reminded of what Cheerilee had said to him only minutes ago.  ‘Surely you and your wife…’

My wife… Viktor thought glumly.  He looked at the apple in his hoof.  It gleamed in the dim light of the cellar, showing the doctor a warped reflection of himself.  Apples always made Viktor think of her.  He leaned back, chewing on a bit of fruit, and closed his eyes.  Now seemed as good a time as any to continue reminiscing on what happened that fateful day when he first met her…

The sun sat far past its highest point in the sky, bringing the warmth and comfort of that short transition between afternoon and evening.  Fillies and colts ran about now that school was done for the day, and the more pretentious individuals of Canterlot high-society were preoccupied trying to control their younglings.  Viktor could appreciate living in Canterlot much more at this time of day.  He didn’t receive harsh judgment as often as he did when the elites were busy either rearing their young or engaging in the nightly soirees that began at about this time.  The streets were sparsely occupied by ponies of a much kinder disposition.  Teachers, manual-laborers, even his fellow scientists – those ponies that really kept Canterlot running underneath all the pompous-who-hah that was most prevalent in this backwater city.  It was in this atmosphere that Viktor had brought his alabaster savior to his favorite outdoor-café.  They sat on opposite sides of a circular bench, enjoying the cool breeze and warm tea of the evening as they spoke.  Viktor took a sip from his cup and continued talking.

“Laurel Rhapsody eh?  What a beautiful name.  I suppose it’s only fitting on an equally stunning mare.”

Rhapsody giggled lightly.  “Viktor please, enough with the flattery.  This lunch is repayment enough for, how did you put it?  ‘Saving your ass back there’?”

Viktor laughed nervously as he rubbed the back of his head with a hoof.  “Yeahh…  I do beg your pardon for my uncultured speech.  I promise I’ll try to correct it from her—”

Rhapsody stopped him with a click of her tongue.  “Viktor stop.  I don’t want you changing your speech on my account.  You aren’t one of them.  I want to get to know you,” she poked him in the chest, “for whom you are.”

Splice looked downward.  “Sorry Laurel.  It’s just… well… you sound so…”

“High-class?  I suppose it’s to be expected, what with my Prench accent being so noticeable.”

“Prench!  So that’s what that is!  I didn’t wanna bring attention to it or anything, but now that we’re talking about it I must say it’s lovely.”

Laurel blushed.  “Oh you’re just saying that.  It really is a crutch when nopony can understand you.”

“Nonsense,” Viktor shook his head, “I can understand you just fine.  But go on, really let it out.  Show me the raw power of a Prench pony on the loose!”

Rhapsody smiled.  “Vous êtes certainement un étrange poney Monsieur Splice.”

Viktor blinked.  “Uh huh.  Well I heard my name in there so I’m only going to assume you said wonderful things about me!”

“And why wouldn’t I?”  She brought her tea cup to her lips as she spoke.“So tell me something about yourself Viktor.”

“Me?  What do you want to know?”

“Well anything really.  Let’s start with the basics.  From your carbonic cutie mark and sweat-stained jacket I can assume you’re some sort of intellect, oui?”

Viktor sat upright, grinning widely.  “Some sort of intellect?  You’ve been kind to me, so I’ll let you off the hook for not immediately recognizing the one and only Doctor Viktor Splice, master of the minds.”  He struck an overtly-dramatic pose, eliciting a small giggle from Laurel Rhapsody.

“Of course I’ve heard of you Doctor.  Why just last week I received one of your ingenious vaccinations for rabies.”

“Timberwolf rabies to be exact.  It’s actually quite fascinating.  Rather than a being a specific strand of the neurotropic virus we’re used to, Timberwolf rabies is actually a fungal infection that thrives in moisture-rich environments.  The infected specimens we’ve seen are usually old and rotted, their decomposed vascular tissue and neurological structures providing the perfect homes for the nasty little life form.  In weeks a full-grown Timberwolf can go from being a healthy predator to a mushy pile of organic leaf-litter.  And then once the fungus gets into the soil it can enter our food supply or our waterways or—”

Viktor paused mid sentence to find Laurel staring at him sweetly, tea cup held in her forehooves.

“Of course it’s much more dangerous if you get bitten.  But that’s what the vaccines are for...”  His voice grew quieter and quieter as he spoke until it trailed off into nothingness.  He cleared his throat.  “Sorry, I uh, guess I get carried away sometimes.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for Viktor.  I find your tenacity appealing.”

“Haha thanks”.  Viktor made to drink his tea, then stopped halfway.  “Wait a minute. You aren’t just chatting it up with me because I’m a rich successful doctor are you?”

Splice’s little gag didn’t go over so well, as Laurel actually looked a bit offended.  “I thought I’d made it perfectly clear I wasn’t all about the material side of life.”  Her face lightened up.  “Plus, last time I checked, you’d donated all your money and were living in a rickety apartment above your lab.”

Viktor choked in his cup.  “What can I say?  I love my job.”

“And you love helping people.  Not just ponies, but everybody.  I prefer that you do your work for the love of science and others rather than fame and fortune.”  She drank from her tea cup.

Splice set his cup down on his saucer and looked Laurel over.  “And what about you eh?”  He glanced at her cutie mark.  “Sheet music... Are you a composer?  Pianist?  A singer perhaps?”

She smiled.  “Oui”.

“...Well which is it?”

“I am all that and more Doctor.  My art is to dabble in the arts themselves.”

Splice flashed a toothy grin, revealing his flattened pearly whites.  “That means you’re just like me then.  We don’t let our cutie marks dictate everything we do.  I may have a macromolecule on my ass, but I study much more than biochemistry.  Although I am a great chemist.”

“And I do much more than sing, though I am a great singer.”

“So if you’re so artistic, how come I’ve never heard of you?”

She sighed and leaned back.  “Hélas, it appears I was far too ambitious in coming to Canterlot.  Ponies here do not love the arts simply for what they are.  If there’s nothing to be gained in terms of social ranking or name recognition, they won’t even consider attending a performance.  I’ve not a penny to my name.”

Her once mirthful countenance had now deflated into something akin to wistfulness.  Viktor couldn’t stand to see Rhapsody like this.  He thought for a minute of some way he could possibly help her.  Then it hit him.

“The Princesses!”

Laurel raised an eyebrow at him.  “Pardon?”

“I could get you an audience with them!  I work side-by-side with Princess Luna.  Why if they see your talent, you could get the recognition you so desire!”

“Viktor, the whole point I was trying to make is that I’m not sure if I even WANT recognition here.  Ponies here are crude and greedy.”

“But that’s just it!  If you fall in with the crowds around here you’ll be swept up in their highfalutin lifestyle within a day.  But if you talk to the Princesses, you could market your talent to those who truly care.  The real artists of Equestria, vagabonds who spread their song throughout this country and beyond for the sake of true emotion.  You could start a revolution, turning Canterlot from a city of corruption into the highest form of artistic expression ponykind has ever seen!”

By the time he was finished, Viktor stood with one hind leg on his chair, one on the table, and his forehooves thrust upward in a heroic manner.  Laurel sat transfixed, her tea cup halfway to her mouth and her eyes wide as they watched Viktor attentively.  She looked into her cup, watching her reflection ripple on the surface of the liquid, and then smiled.

“You remind me of myself when I was younger Viktor.  So optimistic, so full of life.  Almost childlike.”

Viktor glared at her in mock-offense.  “Just who are you calling childlike??”

“Haha I didn’t mean anything bad by it.  Quite the opposite actually.  It’s... endearing.”  She gazed into her cup once more, then looked to Viktor, her mind made up.  “Alright Doctor, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Viktor sat back down.  “It’s a date then.”

Laurel smiled deviously.  “I suppose it shall be our second one, ma chére.”  Viktor blushed redder than then the setting sun.

Splice lay back on a pile of fruit in his cellar, meticulously chewing on a bit of apple as he thought.

She called me childlike... he reflected in a pouty manner.  Well that “childlike” personality sure came in handy when we had—

He bolted upright, eyes wide and hoof tapping his chin in avid contemplation.  An idea came to him.  A big idea.  It was an idea he’d had before, one not given much thought due the preposterous nature of it when it was first conceived.  But now he had nothing to lose by trying.

The unicorn ran upstairs toward the second floor of his lab.  He began sorting through the various tools and artifacts stolen from Sweet Apple Acres, mentally checking off the things he would need as he found them. Sleeping bags, canteens, lantern...  He threw all this and more into two sets of saddlebags, slinging one over his back and carrying the other in his hooves.

Viktor dashed over to his main work desk and flipped through the various texts he had taken from Twilight’s library.  He tossed aside books on quantum mechanics and Equestrian history, frantically searching for one text in particular.  No no no no... Here we go!  Mythozoology was printed neatly on the cover.  Viktor flipped through the text until he found the entry he was looking for: Phoenixes.  Though not much was known of these elusive creatures, the entry served as a useful pocket guide for what Viktor had in mind.  He shoved the book into his saddlebags.

Splice then rummaged through the equipment he had stolen from the Canterlot Laboratories a couple of weeks ago.  Come on come on, I just need one… Ah here we are!  He spotted what he was searching for on a nearby desk and trotted over to retrieve it.  A large magical containment unit, designed for catching dangerous specimens such as Parasprites and the like.  It was long and cylindrical, designed so the body was constructed of glass and the ends were mechanical caps that whirred with life as bright orange energy ran through them.  Something the doctor himself had designed long ago.  It would be perfect for what he had in mind.

Slinging the contraption onto his back, Viktor cantered downstairs with a newfound spring in his step.  He threw open the steel door, taking in a deep breath of the cool evening-time air and sighing contentedly.

“Ooh MAN does that feel good!  Drog!  Oh Droog!”  He called out for his clone, looking left and right for any signs of him.  But Jean was nowhere to be found.  Viktor scratched his head.  “Where is that little mutt?”

A small groan emanating from behind the front door caught Viktor’s attention.  He stepped outside and shut the door, revealing a very much in-pain Jean comically smashed against the outer wall of the lab.

“Ah there you are Drog,” Viktor said as he peeled the young colt off the wall.  “Come now, we have work to do.”  Viktor threw his spare saddlebag over Jean’s back and began to walk off towards the depths of the Everfree.  Jean, once steadied, trotted over to Viktor’s side and matched his pace.

“Where exactly are we going Viktor?”

Splice smiled sideways at his younger clone, not slowing his step for even a second.  “You and I are going bird-hunting Drog.”

And as Jean withheld his confusion, the two of them walked off into the encroaching night of the Everfree Forest.

However, it is highly unfortunate for Viktor Splice that he was not a consistent receiver of the Ponyville newspaper.  For if he was, he would most certainly have read about the growing instances of ponies going missing in the depths of the Everfree.

And if both he and Jean weren’t preoccupied with the multitude of thoughts running through their minds, they just may have noticed a pair of bright pink eye watching them hungrily as they entered the troughs of that untamed hellhole.