Author's Note
Its four in the morning, what the hell am I doing with my life.
Manehattan
Honestly, I dont even know how to feel anymore, every single fucking day my emotions are always just flipping switching out on me, one day I feel happy and the next day I feel like fucking shit. Some days I dont even feel like moving, there are days that I just feel like, Im not even sure how I am supposed to describe it. I am really on the verge of tears most days, I cant even stand talking to my parents for more than a few minutes at a time.
Its not like I dont love them, its just that some fucking days they put so much bullshit on me its just making feel hopeless, depression has been a major thing in my life, I first experienced this during elementary. I've been so fucking tired every single day. I just can't, im not sure how I am supposed to do things anymore. I have been dealing with this fucking garbage for more than ten years, ten years! some days, the bullshit reaches so many levels that I just want to off myself somedays. I wonder if I just so happen to kill myself, what would happen? would I still feel depressed? its nonsense, why should I be complaining? ive dont absolutely nothing with my life, im reaching my senior year in highschool and have done absolutely nothing to help myself in anyother way.
Its so bad that my gpa is so fucking bad that I was in fear of not passing for the longest time, but who am I to complain? I was brought up in a good house, a good family, nice siblings. Why the fuck am I sad? why do I feel like this? I have yet to break down, I have yet to reach my breaking point. I am on the verge though, its everyday with me I just feel the warmness in my eyes and always have to shake my head and try to calm myself down.
This is killing me.
I wanna live, yet I wanna die. How does that make sense? My life has been so good to me, why am I fucking complaining? why am I crying over not wanting to listen? why am I crying over getting grounded for no fucking reason? I swear if I ever went to some sort of psychiatrist, it would make them need to have a psychiatrist of their own. In reality im weird, im so fucking weird, I always have these internal mood swings, its as I said one day im happy one day I just wanna put a fucking bullet in my skull.
I had a sexual experience when I was three years old, how do I remember it? it's because its something i could never forget. Is that why I am like this? I specifically remembering me in the past brushing that experience off like it was nothing, though a few years later when I got into third grade, I finally remember the experience, I start feeling sad and start experimenting.. bad idea.
I do sometimes wonder what brought me up like this, I am so fucking.. i cant even describe how I feel myself. I find it so hard to talk to people, yet when I was younger I was so out going, I had so many friends and I never had any trouble trying to make friends. What happened now? i'm 17 years old, I have so little friends even a shy kid would laugh at me. Even with these friends I find it so hard to have my voice get projected out there, I am never heard, I am never acknowledged. I want to be do, but my mind stops me, no I can never go up and talk to people, no I can never sing out loud with family or friends like I used to.. NO... I just fucking..
I do find myself self hating alot of the times, its my decisions that made me like am today isnt it? i've done so many regrettable things in my life, these actions are somethings that could cost me my life. Though why should I fear death? I smoke every single day, I have no remorse for myself, I've just come to the conclusion that I should just stop caring about myself. Its funny, ive had moments in my life where I could talk to someone, maybe had stopped all of this, ive never gone through with it though.
I walked into school the other day, alone. I was late to my first period and found myself with a detention. I skipped the detention, it just felt like fucking routine to me.
Should I even mention the lines upon lines of scars upon my body? yes, ive cut myself, ive gone so far down the hole. I do all these reckless things to try and see if I actually die one day. I once jumped off the roof and into a pool, just to see if I were able to break my back against the concrete on purpose. I once drunk ten bottle of apple cider against the towns local drunk, just to see if the alcohol poisoning would get to me, it didn't seeing as im still here, it would have been better if I did die of alcohol poison.
Speaking of loving parents, its seeing as they are deliberately ignoring me, no casual 'heys' as I walk past them, no 'hows your day been?' none of it.
I just feel like, im not even living my own life. I feel like someone else is in control of my actions. Why would I think it would be somepony? its not like any of them would notice me or anything, its just.. I just wanna die.
I really do want to die, i just cant ever bring myself to do it, why should I say im not afraid of death, when im always hesitating to kill myself? it gets to the point of where I finally have the nous around my neck, yet im always taking it off and not going through with it, ive even had a knife against my own throat for Fausts sake!
I just.. wanna die.
What is wrong with me? To be honest I'm not sure myself.I am always In a sour mood,my head is always hurting.
What the hell is wrong with me? I cant even think straight sometimes.My mind is always In a jumble I can never think about anything else once I get stuck on one thing, I'm stuck with it for a while.
Why am I never happy with myself? My special talent is supposed to be about art right? Art instills an aura of creativity around the person who does art.I cant even draw anything original,I always draw the same thing over and over again.
It's always the same thing with me,wake up late, sometimes have breakfast,contemplate life for an hour or I could just go back to sleep.
I'm not interested in anything anymore whatever I do I can never get myself invested in something.In my head I'm always trying to encourage myself to be like every other pony,to be happy..to be special..
What the hell is special about me? I'm just a plain blue self deprecating pegasus.
Why am I like this? I want to be normal, I want to stop thinking about these things.
I just want it all to stop.
I've thought about suicide for a while now,and for all its worth I've tried it.I tried hanging myself but all it did was leave me with a big black bruise all around my neck and a raspy voice for a month.
Cutting does do shit anymore.Every time I take something sharp to my hooves I feel nothing.I just quietly watch the blood drip and spread across my legs,covering the blue with red.
I'm really fucked in the head.Ive had so many weird disturbing thoughts in my head that I always shivered at, now it's just normal for me.Theres nothing else interesting for me to do.
At this point In my life I always try to stay inside.I always tried to isolate myself from pony interaction for the longest time,they're all the same.
Every single fucking one of them.
I cant stand going outside for less than a few minutes.
They all just stare at me whenever I go into town.They all silently judge me as I slowly trot past them.
They all think I'm weird.They're all judging me..
Why? Just why does life have to be so hard for me?
What's wrong with me? Is it my coat? Is it my mane? Is it my eyes?.No no.. it cant be my eyes my mane always covers them.
Is it my cutie mark? Is it the stupid pencil plastered onto my ass?
What the hell is wrong with me? Just what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not worth looking at,why do they waste their time staring at me? Their creepy eyes peircing into my soul.
Is it my weight? I can fix that.
The mirror lies, the scale lies.Im not underweight,I'm fat and need to eat less.
All I ever want to do is stay curled under my blankets and just hide from the world.
But I just cant, I have to maintain some sort of income.
I dread every day I have to work. I dread eveyday I have to face that cyan pegasus.
I've done nothing wrong to her and yet she hates me. I can feel it,whenever she glares before assigning my position.
Am I really that unpleasant? I always keep my face down and always do her orders exactly how she tells them.
Why cant I do anything right? I tried my best every single time,yet she still fired me.
What did I do? What did I do?
Was I not that efficient? Was I that bad at my job?
The only thing I can do right is self deprecate.
The only thing I can do right is beat myself up.
What am I saying to myself? That's the only thing I know how to do.
I feel like shit.
I'm always in constant pain.
I can't fucking do anything other than toss and turn in my bed.
I cant go to the hospital. They'll just look at me weird.
They probably wont even service me there.
I shouldnt even be given the luxury of going to the hospital.
But this pain is too much! I can't move, I cant stand, I cant even think straight.
Im going to die.
I dont know how long its been since the pain started,its just too unbearable for me.
The only thing that can cure me is death.
But the thought of death still scares me.
The creepy cold feeling that slowly takes you over.
I cant do it.
Death.
That's all I want now.
I dont care.
I dont care if it scares me.
I.
Dont.
Care.
I cant achieve my goal if I dont try to move.
My mind is completely blank. I cant think of anything other than death.
I raise a shaky hoof out of my pile of blankets and painfully push myself to the edge of my bed.
I cant explain how much pain I am in. I just want to give in, to just give up and wait until I slowly die.
But I push forwards and tumble face first onto my bedroom floor,my entire body explodes in an unimaginable wave of pain.
I lay still and wait for the pain to soothe a bit. I force myself up and slide the rest of my body off the bed as I land on my ass.
I keep on moving to the door and stumble a bit as I walk into it before grasping the handle and opening the door,revealing an vertigo induced extending hallway.
Hugging the wall with my forehoof as I slowly inch my way further and further down the hallway.
I fumble and stumble as my leg try to give out on me.
I make my way into the kitchen and immediately aim for my knife block.
I grasp onto a knife and pull it out of the slot,I state at it shaking in my grasp for bit.
"I'm really going to do this."
It was about time before I died to my own self.
I closed my eyes and plunged the knife into my chest with a grunt.
-fin-