The Timepony’s Journal

The TARDIS materialised in another junkyard, this one much more rustic. The Doctor stepped out of the ship still clutching his face. He sat down on an old apple crate that threatened to give in. He’d never felt this kind of pain ever in his life. Cosmic and Petunia soon followed, rolling their eyes.

“You chipped a tooth, yet you’re acting like you got stabbed,” said Petunia.

“I’ve never been so accosted. How was I to know they were painted rocks instead of candy? In all my years I’ve never experienced such pain.” the Doctor groaned, his speech muffled so as to not exacerbate the pain.

“We’ll get you to a dentist, get your tooth fixed and be on our way.” Cosmic replied.

“Where are we, anyway?”

Now looking around Cosmic and Petunia nearly exploded with joy. Oak wood wagons, tumbleweeds and a big saloon just across the street. The town looked straight out of a classic western, only this was the genuine article. One stop to the TARDIS wardrobe later and both of them were dressed in full western attire.

“Why ah do say, there ain’t no gunner like Cosmic Regret.” said Cosmic with an exaggerated accent.

“And ain’t I a pretty piece ah Petunia Pie.” said Petunia with a little curtsy of her white-laced dress.

“Yes, yes, now quit messing around and help me to this ‘dentist office’. And throw that toy gun back where you found it. This isn’t some major motion picture, guns of any kind are more than a mere commodity in this day and age. Only small regions of Griffon territory manufactured them and they’re highly illegal until the 22nd century.”

“Fine, fine.” Cosmic sighed while tossing the toy pistol on a chair back in the console room.

“Can we at least have a look around before we go?”

“Yes, go ahead. But remember, the past can be dangerous. No movie quotes, no quips or gaudy overplayed accents, got it?”

“Great, it’s like going to the bar with your teacher.” Petunia groaned.

“Then let me teach you this: the past is not a theme park. Stay safe.”

“Yes Mr.Doctor, will do Mr.Doctor.”

The pair made their way into the saloon,piano music filling the street. The Doctor continued down the road to the building with the large wooden tooth sign. He was already nervous beforehand but the primitive nature of the place made things worse. An old blueish grey stallion approached him from the front desk.

“Welcome to Holiday’s Daily Dental, how may I help you?”

“I have a chipped tooth that needs taking care of.”

Alright then, sit down, sit down.” Holiday said as he gestured to the operation chair.

After sitting down Holiday quickly swung the chair around, only causing the Doctor more pain. Horrifyingly Holiday reached for a pair of tweezers first.

“Ah, forgive me, but could you apply some anaesthetic first to numb the pain?”

“Well, ah don’t know what this antiseptic is but I can give you a swig of moonshine.”

“Oh heavens no, I abhor alcohol.”

“It’s either that, I beat you over the head or nothing. Open wide, sir.”

The Doctor was already crying before the operation had started. Meanwhile back at the saloon, Cosmic and Petunia were having the time of their lives. The bar was busy and the pianist was playing for all the dancing ponies between drinks. It was finally the break they needed. Cosmic was rather hesitant to try anything, given how most things probably weren’t clean or good for their health and that they couldn’t pay for it. Petunia however was already bringing two drinks to the table, goading Cosmic into trying one for fun. Then a pair of stallions walked in, one silver and the other gold. The music stopped as everypony went quiet. The only noise was their hoofsteps and the creaking of the aged floor boards.

“We heard there were a couple of new ponies in town. Just wanted to give a warm welcome.” said the silver stallion.

“Yeah, Silvy here is feeling a bit under the weather. We heard there was a Doctor on call?” said the other stallion.

Cosmic nearly choked on his drink, coughing and gagging at the taste. The two newcomers approached him while three others watched the door. They eyed him and Petunia up and down like a vulture watching their prey. Cosmic took in a deep breath before being able to speak again.

“Can I uh… help you two?”

“That depends. From the look of ya, I’d say you know just the old stallion we’re looking for. What do you think, Golden?”

There was the snap of a revolver, now loaded and pointed straight at Cosmic’s head. Cosmic slowly raised his hooves in the air.

“The Doc should know his friends are here. The second you see him, make sure he doesn’t get away this time. As for you two, we’re bored. The pianist and singers have fled, so you’ll just have to do it. Go on.” said Golden.

Nervously stumbling out of their seats Petunia sat down at the windup piano first. She flipped to the last song that was meant to be played, not sure exactly how the thing worked. Thankfully said song was already ready to go.

“Uh, here we go. The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon?” Petunia squeaked, her voice cracking.

“Let’s hope the piano knows it. Play, maestro.” Cosmic said through a forced smile.

Petunia cranked the piano and hoped for the best.

“With rings on their hooves
And bells in their manes
The mares come to Tombstone
During sunshine and rain.
They’ll dance one the tables
Or give you a tune,
For whatever’s in your wallet
At the Last Chance Saloon.”

Cosmic switched pages during a short musical interlude. Looking down the barrel of a gun only made him sing harder.

“It’s your last chance of giving,
It’s your last chance of rye.
It’s your LAST CHANCE AT LIVING!
AND YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DIE!
It’s your last chance of boozing,
Where there’s no one to mind.
It’s your last chance of losing and the first place you find.
Four days ride from the station,
And you’re leaving at noon,
And your one consultation
Is the last chance saloon.

Back at the dentist office the Doctor was rubbing his jaw once the bleeding stopped. Holiday was observing the tooth that he’d pulled out inquisitively.

“Well I’ll be. Now that’s a fine piece of ivory if I’ve ever seen it. Never seen quite pearly whites before. Gonna be a pretty penny.”

The Doctor merely groaned in response.

“Oh quit your fussin’ uh, what was your name again?”

“Hmph, simply the Doctor.”

“The Doctor, you say? Nice to meet another medic in town. This place needs another Doc with all them thugs running wild.”

“Yes, yes, well I’ll-”

“Now the last thing I want is a fellow medical professional such as yourself face them thugs empty hoofed. I got this ol’ hunk of junk for myself but I want you to have it.”

“Goodness gracious me, this is highly-”

“Now it’s not loaded, can’t even be fired by ponies. A relic, really. Now you just keep that in your coat pocket and best be on your merry way.”

While the Doctor tried to refuse, Holiday shoved the busted pistol in his hooves and shoved him out the door. He should’ve just tossed it away but decided to drop by the saloon first. He figured his friends were still sensible enough to stay in one place without getting into too much trouble.

“With rings on their hooves and bells one their- now look, fellas. I’ve sung this song four times now.”

“Well then sing it again!” yelled the gun wielding crowd.

“Can’t we at least sing another song?”

Petunia looked up at Cosmic and just slowly nodded her head no.

“Once more then. With ri-”

That was when the Doctor entered, every gun in the room now pointed at him. Golden and Silvy quickly went to his side, rather forcefully grabbing his forelegs.

“Well, well, well, if it ain’t the Doc himself.” said Silvy with a smirk.

“I ah, I don’t believe we’ve been acquainted before.”

“You really think that after the deal in Calamity? I’m Golden, he’s Silvy. Nopony forgets the Sterling brothers.”

“The Sterling brothers, oh dear, I mean how do you do, hmm?”

“So, recognize the name, do ya, eh Holiday?”

“Ah, I see the misunderstanding. My friends and I are simply travellers visiting from another town. I just returned from the local dentistry before our next destination down the road.”

“Your office, no doubt. Is that not the very same gun you whacked me over the head with?”

“No,no, simply- so that’s why he insisted I have it. You can have it if you wish, then we’ll simply leave and go about our business.”

Nopony dared to take the gun from him. If anything that only made the situation even more tense.

“You’re tellin’ us that you’re carrying one of Holiday’s guns, just came from Holiday’s Daily Dentistry, and are also called a Doctor, yet you aren’t Holiday? Oh you must think we’re stark raving loonies to believe any of that nonsense. Oh we’ll let you leave alright, not alive that is.”

In the blink of an eye both the Sterling brothers and his three goons hid their guns as the sheriff walked in. The orange stallion simply straightened his hat and scratched his brown moustache while his golden badge gleamed on his bright blue vest. The Doctor wasn’t sure who to fear more, these thugs or the sheriff.

“I heard some youngins were causing a little trouble down in this fine establishment. What seems to be the trouble?”

“Nothing wrong, Mr.Applewood. Holiday here just scamped out on an old bill. Just thought we’d come to collect his debt.” replied Gold through gritted teeth.

“Well now that just won’t do at all. You two, his assistants, go and fetch the payment these gentlefolk desire. As for you Holiday, come with me. I have a few questions to ask you.”

The Doctor didn’t try to correct Applewood. The sheriff simply tipped his hat goodbye before escorting the bewildered TimePony down to his office. Rather than immediately sticking him in a cell, Applewood gestured to the seat across from his desk. He sat down while the sheriff hung up his hat. He sat down while the sheriff hung up his hat.

“I know you aren’t Holiday. I’m not like those thick headed buffoons who think they own this town from the shadows. I just wanted to get you and your two friends out to safety. Personally I know what kind of stallion Holiday is, but outlaw or not everypony at least deserves a second chance.”

“Ah, I see. Tell me about him, this Doc Holiday.”

“He’s not really a medical doctor, that’s just his title. The Gun Doctor, they called him, ex griffon arms dealer, or so we thought. We’ve had suspicions about him picking up where he left off, though we haven’t been able to gather any evidence to take to trial.”

“And the Sterling brothers?”

“His last deal. Some small town hicks who bit off more than they could chew. Said he tried to ignore them but kept on following him. He says he’s retired ‘cause of them, but I don’t believe a word of it. Many of us believe he’s just laying low, has some stock hidden somewhere in that office.”

“And your part in this?”

“I’m just doing my job. They say that the town’s called Tombstone because it’s where you come to die, but I don’t believe that. The civilians don’t want the crooks here and the crooks don’t want to stay here, yet there’s a lot of politics on redemption and such.”

“Can you ensure both my own and my friends safety?”

“You don’t belong here. I’ve never seen somepony hold a gun without firing it before ‘till you came along. I can tell you got a good heart. I can’t promise nothing but I can do my best. Wasn’t I supposed to be the one asking the questions?”

“Yes. But it appears that you already have all the answers, hmm?”

Cosmic walked through the door first, Petunia poking her head in afterwards. The dentist office was completely empty with no Doc Holiday in sight. It looked like he’d closed up shop for good considering the office was wiped clean. There was a safe behind the counter that was empty too, the Sterlings weren’t going to be happy about this. Innocent or not they were only going to get caught in the crossfire. A gun clicked, a crimson mare pointing one at them.

“Not one move. One move and it’s lights out.”

“Uh, you with Holiday or Sterling?” Petunia asked sheepishly.

Holiday came bumbling in, answering her question for her.

“If any leftover inventory is missing, you get the idea.”

Holiday removed several of the floor boards and pulled out several unmodified griffon artillery. He made sure that every last piece was accounted for, securing it in a potato sack before placing the boards back in.

“Everything clear?”

“Yes, dear. Not a single screw out of place. However, there is the odd round in the back.”

“Good, good. Now what to do with these two.”

“I’d guess since my ‘doppelganger’ is still in jail, the Sterlings are probably on their way here for the short change. Lock ‘em in the back. Give the Sterlings something to satisfy their bloodlust with.”

Cosmic and Petunia tried to protest but Holiday’s partner quickly shut them up. They were both forcibly walked into the closet behind the counter with the door slammed shut in their faces. With the telltale click they were locked inside.

“Pleasure doing business with ya.” Holiday and his partner said in unison.

Once gone the pair sprung into action. There was nothing immediately apparent other than a few loose bullet casings and a mostly melted lit candle.

“Anything?” Cosmic asked while shuffling through some crates.

“Not really, just some loose string and some paper.” replied Petunia while closing several drawers.

“Hang on a minute, I got an idea. Why don’t we blow the lock off with some bullets and a match? I saw that in a movie once.”

“And this isn’t a movie.”

“Do you have any better ideas?”

Cosmic didn’t, and as such, the lock was loaded with at least ten bullets of gunpowder wrapped in a scrap of paper. The subsequent bang didn’t unlock the door, though it did crack the door. With a few swift bucks to the door the lock separated enough for them to open the door. Cosmic ignored his friend’s snide remarks, going straight for the junkyard. A bullet went right over his head, knocking his hat clean off. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt but he couldn’t see where the shot came from. He grabbed Petunia and dived behind some crates, making sure she got to the TARDIS.

He pulled on the door but remembered that it was locked. A bullet bounced right of the exterior’s wooden shell as if it were rubber. The ship’s doors unlocked on their own, neither of them questioning how. Petunia sighed, closing the doors behind her. They were safe in there, but without the Doctor they were sitting ducks. Petunia pushed the toy gun off of the chair to slump into. Hearing it fall to the floor Cosmic had a very stupid idea.

The Doctor sighed, stuck in a cell. It wasn’t locked, in fact he could leave whenever he liked. However this was the safest place in the building. The walls were stone instead of wood and the only window was barred, too high and small for anypony to get in or out. He didn’t doubt that the Sterlings would be stupid enough to try and break in despite their fear of Sheriff Applewood. Even if they didn’t, the second he stepped outside the Sterlings could gun him down in seconds. He had to be precise, not draw attention to himself. That didn’t stop Cosmic from looking in and getting the Doctor’s attention.

“Goodness gracious me, just what do you think you’re doing?”

“Breaking you out. The Sterlings raided Holiday’s place and now they’re coming for you. Use this to bluff your way out or something. Good luck!”

“But Cosmic! Blast, the infernal colt.” the Doctor huffed, picking the toy gun up off the floor.

The thing was dark purple with a neon orange barrel. He cursed himself for ever showing Susan this thing. There was no way he could even think about bluffing his way out, the very thought morally appalling.

“Just what in tarnation is that butt ugly atrocity you’ve got in your hooves?” the Sheriff asked, closing the door behind him.

“My friend seems to have had the wrong idea. You know I’m appalled by such weaponry, only ponies seem to keep handing me guns. Here.”

The Doctor tossed the toy to him, the Sheriff surprised when a foam bullet shot him in the face.

“Keep that away from your eyes. Now, he said that the Sterlings are on their way. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were completely surrounded.”

“Now worries, they just made their last mistake. Somepony just fired a gun. And considering their squabble with an ‘alleged’ ex arms dealer, nopony in town owning any guns, and perhaps testimony from those at the Last Chance Saloon, I’d say that gives enough credibility for an investigation. There’s only five of them, and they can’t take on all of us. My guys down Baker Street might be small, but they certainly can handle their own.”

“You can’t just gun down a few ruffians!”

“Who said anything about guns?”

The Sheriff left the hall, the Sterlings all in a row across the main road out of Tombstone. A light breeze came through, a single tumbleweed drifting by. The Doctor almost expected the Sheriff to say the town wasn’t big enough for the two of them.

“Give us Holiday. You’re a stallion of the law, surely you understand that those who do wrong must face justice!” yelled Silvy.

“You’ve got the wrong stallion. The one you’re looking for just skipped town if my deputies haven’t caught him already.”

“Old stallion, dressed all fancy-like? He don’t seem the Tombstone type.”

“Well nopony really is. He don’t cause any trouble here, just passing through. So I suggest you do the same since this is your only warning.”

The Sterling brothers and their sidekicks simply laughed. The Sheriff just shrugged and turned around, walking away from them. Before anypony could react, four pies flew over the Sheriff’s head and hit several of Sterling's gang. The Doctor had no idea how to react as what was once few became an absolute barrage of baked goods slung at the once confident outlaws. The best he could come up with was somewhere between confusion and amusement before quickly ducking to semi-safety. It almost felt like a waste of pastries if it weren’t equally as impressive. The Doctor didn’t look back, avoiding any pie filling stains on his black blazer.

Out of sheer childish joy he even got the chance to throw a pie himself. He laughed to himself before a foam bullet hit him in the back of the head. Turning around Cosmic was there with the toy, gesturing for him to follow.

“How absolutely and wonderfully absurd! I believed that ponies throwing pies in battle was an absolute comical farce.”

“Better than a gun to the face for sure. C’mon, Petunia’s back in the Tardis.”

Both Cosmic and the Doctor laughed as they reentered the ship. The Doctor winced, the place where his tooth had been still a bit swollen and sore. He might have licked the boysenberry pie filling off of his hooves if Cosmic and Petunia weren’t present. Instead he wiped them clean with a hanky before returning to the console.

“Are you two done having fun without me?” Petunia asked snidely.

“Oh, like you’d want to go parading around the Badlands with a neon toy pistol.”

“While pies fly majestically through the air? Count me in.”

“Oh hush you two, I’m trying to concentrate on getting Petunia home.”

“Can you really control this ship at all? Most of the time it seems like we just land somewhere at random.”

“Of course I can, we simply arrive in places within a higher margin of error.”

“Yeah, right.” said Petunia with a roll of her eyes.

“Hmph, piloting the Tardis is a delicate process. Besides, ninety five percent of the universe is either Hydrogen gas or the vacuum of space. If our arrivals were truly random then it’s a miracle we ever landed on a planet at all, hmm? Like I said, within a margin of error. I’ve never even landed on a planet that wasn’t completely inhospitable.”

“Eh, I’ve got a few examples against you.” replied Cosmic.

The Doctor ignored him, setting the precise coordinates. He went underneath the console to observe the circuitry, making note of what needed repairing. Most of it he didn’t think he really needed most of that junk anyway. Backup fluid links, one of seven vortex buffers, flight-path vector generator, he didn’t need to see other ships in the vortex anyway. After stashing a few burnt out circuits in his pockets he nearly bumped his head on the console as he came back up, returning to the various controls. His old ship could still last for a long while without being serviced, that was for sure. He was almost getting used to piloting the TARDIS, not that he’d admit that to anyone.

The time rotor descended one last time, the wheezing of the TARDIS engines ceasing. Looking over the readouts the year was 966, about a few hours to a day since he’d first met Petunia. Wherever they had landed exhibited identical attributes to that of Equus. He instinctively opened the doors before approaching Petunia, not sure if he was ready to do this all over again. It was so much fun, the past few adventures, but he had to let them go. Not just Petunia but Cosmic too. Cosmic was still right, he’d still put his friends in danger despite the best of his intentions. If he didn’t stop them now, then he wouldn’t until it was too late.

“Now Petunia, I know that our time has been brief, however-”

The Doctor didn’t get a chance to finish, Petunia pulling him in for a hug. He hugged back, rubbing her head as he held her.

“I know, I understand. I’ll be careful what Police Barns I step into from now on. Don’t want to end up on another planet without you.”

Cosmic poke his head out of the doors and checked outside. The Doctor approached him, still not entirely sure what to say. He wanted to do it right this time, to end things on a good note. He reached out and placed a hoof on Cosmic’s back, only now just looking out at the scenery. The Doctor’s smile faded as he looked out onto the grassy landscape. A dry valley full of loose rocks and boulders surrounded the much more lively landscape. In the center of the ring was a city with all the unique features of Canterlot. In fact it was almost an exact replica of the city had it not been built into a mountain. It smelled like Equus, the fauna could only grow on Equus, and yet the landscape was completely different.

It was as if Canterlot had been lifted right out of the ground and placed into some large and barren quarry. The yearometer wasn’t on the blink, he’d fixed it himself long ago. They were at the right time but obviously in the wrong place. He’d gotten it wrong again.

“Uh, guys? Where are we?” Cosmic asked.

“I haven’t the faintest idea, and I’m sure that we shouldn’t find out.”