I Don't Even WANT To Fuck You!

Having to wear a suit was bullshit.

Sure, Rarity tailored it well, and despite being a little itchy, it was actually pretty comfortable and form-fitting, but the fact you had to put the entire three-piece on in the first place was just plain ridiculous. You grumbled to yourself as you fiddled with the small black bowtie you’d been given to go along with the outfit. After three attempts to tie the damned thing and three failures, you threw it away in a fit of petulance and focussed on donning your waistcoat.

Why did you need a bowtie anyways? You weren’t a freaking butler.

Not that you were that far off of being one at the moment, but let’s not get into semantics. Or your living condition.

Or the fact that Twilight considers ‘almost as useful as Spike’ as a term of endearment.

Anyways, Twilight had insisted you wear something smart today, and all you knew was that there was some kind of dignitary coming for a visit. Probably someone snotty and important, someone who was going to look at you in your finery and nod in approval despite likely wearing next to nothing themselves.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for how weird and cold it’d be, you’d insist to walk around in the buff all the time just to prove a point to these ponies.

But no, you weren’t about to go out for an impromptu protest streaking session, so you instead went back to buttoning up your blazer and putting on your belt. You had to hand it to Rarity, she’d acclimated to human attire and style incredibly quickly once you’d explained it to her. This actually looked like a very stylish suit. Also, apparently, cashmere was humanely shorn in Equestria, so you didn’t feel like a dick for wearing it.

Well, apart from how much of a dick you felt for being the only one around wearing a damn suit, but whatever. You weren’t going to complain any more about the suit. You were just going to put it on, get downstairs and—

Fuck, it itches!

But also feels kinda nice. You couldn’t complain too much. You hardly paid for it.

But yeah, teeth brushed, hair combed, beard trimmed, everything on point, or at least as close to it as you could get in the twenty minutes between being woken up and the guest being due to arrive. Truthfully, you sprayed your hair with dry shampoo. No, you weren’t ashamed.

At least you smelled alright.

Twilight had said something about this before, mentioned that someone would be coming to the castle, staying for a little while, and then fucking off, but you hadn’t paid much attention then. Truthfully, you didn’t care all that much now, but you’d do your best to represent Twilight properly, at the very least. You’d had to meet a few nobles and other important figures since your time staying with Twilight, and with a couple of exceptions, all of them had been imperious, insufferably rude pompous cunts.

Time to add another to the list. You dragged yourself downstairs with a light thud of sluggish, rebellious feet hitting floor. Your legs didn’t want to move. They wanted their last two hours of rest. Your brain didn’t want to deal with another day of putting on a dignified air and pretending you gave a shit about whatever it was that mister or miss rich and important had to say about themselves. Twilight said this one wouldn’t be so bad, you remembered that much, but she said that about every one of these meetings.

She also said that it was important you be there if she wanted to make a good impression. Twilight said a lot of things, and they were often laced with an assurance that everything would be fine in the end. Didn’t stop her from profusely apologising whenever one of these fuckers left.

But she was good to you, and honestly, she was incredibly sweet, so you put up with it. You didn’t have such a bad gig, after all.

You cleared your throat as you walked down the corridor, testing your voice. You always had to get that little bit of inner-city gruff out of it before meeting one of these ponies, make sure that your tone was measured, your words sophisticated, and your countenance soft and accommodating. Basically, you had to act like someone you weren’t for hours. Almost reminded you of retail work.

You checked your gait too. Made sure you weren’t walking in too relaxed of a manner, which would be unbecoming, but also weren’t making large strides, as that could be intimidating to these thigh high horses. It was too much to remember at first, but you’d gotten used to altering every last bit of yourself for the purpose of shit like this. At least you got to bitch in your head.

When you finally entered the castle’s throne room, you found Twilight to be waiting there. You took the seat beside her, giving her a weak wave hello.

“I hope you’ve woken up properly by now.” She gave him a warm smile. “I’m sorry that I had to get you up so suddenly, anon, but I honestly have no clue what time our guest is going to arrive. They’re not exactly one for doing things conventionally…”

That struck you as odd. “Everyone else we do this with is as ‘conventional’ as they come, Twilight.” You raised an eyebrow. “Hell, I can hardly tell them apart by face most of the time, let alone name.” A beat. “You’ve had to actively remind me that the Mayor of Trottingham and the Marquess of Stalliongrad are different ponies on numerous occasions—”
“They’re different colours!”

“Oh, pfft. They’re both yellow, don’t lie to me.”

Hold on. That wasn’t racist, was it?

...some ponies were pink. The one you were talking to currently was purple. Its co-leaders were a white and black female. You were fairly certain it wasn’t racist.

“One of them is a stallion!” Twilight persisted, interrupting your ethical dilemma before you could begin to actually care.

“Really? Just one of them? Then the Mayor of Stalliongrad is a really effeminate stallion.”

“That one’s the mare!” Twilight all but growled.

“Then the other one’s a butch lesbian! What do you want from me?!” You were actually beginning to feel real exertion now. And somewhere, just somewhere, you were beginning to feel that regal facade and decorum you were meant to be maintaining slip just a modicum. You sighed, adjusting your tie and counting down from ten in your head.

Twilight, meanwhile, looked as if she was attempting to fight off an aneurysm. “You done yet? Any other colourful remarks you want to get out of your system before our guest arrives?”

“Always.” Just as you were about to draw from a very long mental list, you heard an extremely loud pounding at the door. You exchanged glances with Twilight, who suddenly looked awfully worried. “...Twilight, did this guest bring a battering ram to introduce themselves with?”

A sheepish smile, and Twilight wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead. “Nope, that’ll just be her knocking.”

You looked out into the hallway, then, not a moment later, heard once again the sound that made your balls shrivel up into your stomach. “That sound came from a she?”

“I was going to talk this over with you before she arrived but… did you actually read the brief on Princess Ember that I left for you a couple of nights ago?”

Oh, so that was her name. Remember that. Didn’t even realise there was another princess in Equestria until now, besides the few you already knew of. “Oh, that was for me?”

You were a bad liar. Twilight rolled her eyes. “It said ‘For Anon’ on the front.”

“Must’ve missed it.”

“It was written in big, bold letters and taped to your bedroom door.”

“So’s my Equestrian Tax Form, and I still haven’t done that.”

Twilight actually stopped short. “I can’t believe you. You realise that this means I’m now going to have to fill in and file all of your earnings and taxes working under me for the last two months if I want these in by the end of tax season?”

You narrowed your eyes and looked to her, the two of you stopping dead on the path to the door. “You’re worrying about this now?”

Twilight was slowly tapping her hooves against the floor, looking as if she was about to break out in a sprint on the spot. “Sorry. Just a little excited.” She looked to him with a wide smile. “You’re forgiven for not looking it over, just…”

“Just?” Suddenly, you had the distinct feeling that you should’ve actually taken the time to read about your guest, just this once.

“Just don’t be surprised if she’s a little too much for you.” Twilight actually seemed a little amused now. You weren’t sure you liked that. Her sense of humour was purposely false equations and Spike falling over, from what you’d seen.

One last thunderous knock, and you gave a shrug. Couldn’t be that bad, surely. Hell, you’d met Discord a couple of times by now and actually found him to be a pretty reasonable—if nutty—dude. What could some snooty, heavy-hooved asshole be in comparison to the guy that offered you ‘a sip of asbestos’ when you met him?”

In polite, sophisticated manner, you took point for Twilight. You strode out in front of her, giving her a small nod of reassurance, and then opened the door, clearing the way for the visitor and whatever entourage they might have had. You stood back, inclining your head just enough to classify a bow, and waited for the sound of hooves walking past.

You heard none. For a few moments, there was silence, and then: “Star—err, Twilight, what’s that thing holding the door for me, and why is it dressed like a piano?”

You looked down at your white suit and black waistcoat/bowtie combo and suddenly felt very insecure. You’d heard the human comment often enough, but that last one? This was your only nice suit! Yeah, you hated wearing it but, hey, screw her!

But of course, you didn’t even look up, not yet. It wasn’t your place to argue, or punch this pony, or really do anything but be the good assistant and keep a smile on your face.

Twilight sounded like she was biting back her own testy response. If she, the embodiment of all friendship and good, could control herself, then you’d lead by example. “Ember, this is Anon. He’s a human, a race native to a planet called Earth. He currently lives with and works for me, and is a good friend. Anon, this is—”

“Well, how’d he get here?” This Ember, she was rather insistent.

“Wow, you’re the first person to ask that in a while,” Twilight answered, bemused. “Usually, we just kind of brush over the whole ‘how he arrived’ and ‘how he acclimated’ portion of Anon’s origin, including any unnecessary backstory, and simply assume he’s a somewhat well-adjusted and friendly individual that is now moderately familiar with life here.” Twilight paused for a second. “Yup, that seems to tick all the boxes.”

“Well, that’s stupid. Someone should question how he actually arrived in the first place. I’ve never heard of a ‘human’ before and I wanna know how he got here.”

“Really gonna make me do this, huh?” Twilight looked at you for support. You wouldn’t notice, as you were still looking at the floor as you were supposed to. You were also curious as to how you got here. You never really got super filled in in scenarios like this either. Twilight took a deep breath. “Well… in theory, the entire displacement was predicated by a snap in Equus’ mana circuitry, and a shift in the accompanying leylines that distribute—”

“Twilight, I was just trying to be polite, but this is really boring. Cut to the chase. Are there going to be more of him?”

“...maybe?”

“Alright, cool. You can stop now.”

Twilight channelled the author. “Thank you.” A beat. “Anyways, Anon, this is Ember.”

Finally, you could look up, ordeal over with and little of substance gained, and… it was a dragon.

A fucking girl dragon.

Like, Jesus, really?

She stood on two legs like you, had a rather standoffish posture, like she’d rather be anywhere else, but a smile on her face all the time, like she was genuinely happy to see Twilight. Then, she looked at you, and she just looked… curious. Like, the kind of reluctant curiosity one might have had when admiring a pretty picture despite the fact they’d always said fine art is for poncy twats.

You were drawing on your own experience. Also, this dragon had tits. And she didn’t wear much to conceal them. Unlike her hard-scaled shoulders and sides, the flesh of her breasts and underbelly—barely concealed by a tight translucent leotard—looked remarkably soft.

Should dragons have had tits? You’d leave that debate for the fantastical herpetologists.

You weren’t really complaining about the tits, though. You were kinda staring at them, however. This was the first time you’d seen tits since you got here (apart from that one time Discord made his own, it was awkward), and on a bipedal creature too. You were naturally more than a little excited.

It took Twilight clearing her throat for you to realise that the two of you had simply been staring at each other for a good ten seconds now, a palpable tension rising in the room. You decided to break it before you started to pitch a tent or suggest the two of you abscond and form a dragonborn super-race together by putting out your hand to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Princess Ember.”

“Yeah, sure.” She walked straight past you, though you could swear she looked back at you for just a moment. “Twilight, do you still have any castle walls you don’t need? The journey worked me up a killer appetite.”

Okay, sure, she was hot, but she was also an absolute bitch. Which was… kinda hot too?

“No part of this castle is spare, Ember, but I did make sure to free up a large stockpile of gems for your visit. Shall we go to the dining room? I laid out a spread in your honour.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” God, she was so casual. She took off with Twilight, rather than you leading the procession as usual, and you were about to move yourself to the front to make sure you could do all the usual opening of doors and pulling out of chairs, but you found yourself transfixed by one tight dragon ass, which, like the rest of Ember’s assets, was on full display.

She had a long, slender tail with a slightly curved end, short ‘v’ shaped patterns racing up it, and beneath, the kind of behind you might expect to see on a human supermodel. Sure, she was like, a foot and a half shorter than you, but her proportions were like that of a human in almost every way. Curvaceous yet firm, plump in the behind but toned all the while, and very little fat to speak of. Swap out the scales for skin and lose the wings and horns, and she could likely rock any catwalk on Earth. Hell, even with those changes, she’d more than likely make it.

Your head lightly shook as you walked behind the pair of them, your eyes drifting back to her behind all the while. The two of them spoke about serious things that you weren’t interested in, but from the sounds of things, Ember wasn’t either. Twilight would be her polite self, and Ember would shrug and offer short, non-committal replies. Yeah, she might not have been all hoity-toity, but she still seemed to think everyone was beneath her, and that irked you all the same.

When you were about halfway to the dining room, you felt a sharp tap against your side, and realised all too late it was the slap of Ember’s tail.

She’d stopped walking, and it was all you could do to plant your feet against the floor and stop yourself from walking completely into her. You instinctively went to rub at your pained side, wincing a little, and undid the tight knit of your eyebrows before you could let slip that you were giving her evils, because you most definitely were. “I-I’m sorry, is there a problem, princess?”

Twilight turned on the pair of you very rapidly, but stayed silent. She looked as if she could be ready to sidestep an impending war any second now, and it was all too late dawning on you that this was a very powerful guest. Probably wouldn’t do you or Twilight well if you’d somehow found a way to piss off a dragon princess. You waited for her next words with a tight chest and rebellious lungs.

“Is there something you like down there?” She raised an eyebrow, and with a swift movement of her tail—which brushed away over your hand, you could now confirm it was soft as fuck—and swiveled around in an impressive display of flexibility to point at her own ass. Oh no. Your own doom was being spelt out to you by a big blue fucking arrow. “Your eyes have not left my backside for the last two minutes. I mean, at first, I just figured ponies do that because they’re all so short, but you’re huge, and you’re still looking at it, so what gives? Is it just a pony custom, or whatever, or is there something you like down there?”

“Uhh…” You looked to Twilight, who had no fucking answers for you. In fact, she looked busy trying to comprehend the idea that you’d even been doing that. Hell, you thought you’d been super clandestine. “Uhm, I…” Seriously, what did you say here?! ‘Yes, I’m a pervert, arrest me.’ ‘No, you’re wrong, how dare you insinuate such a thing?’ You didn’t see either of those options defusing the situation, and were getting ready to simply find a window to jump out of when Ember let out a snicker.

“Uhh, erm…” she mimicked you with a roll of her eyes, before batting you again with her tail, lightly this time, and turning back around. “Idiot. For such a big boy, you really don’t have a backbone, do you?”

You actually grit your teeth at that. She might not have seen it, but Twilight did, as she did pretty much implore you with her eyes not to snap and bite Ember’s head off in turn. After all, yeah, that’d probably have ramifications, and you were staring.

Just a little though. Semi-justifiably.

Surely. When was the last time you saw an ass like that?

Still, she was certainly trying to wind you up. But you weren’t going to bite. You knew better than to do that, and that was mainly because you didn’t know just what could happen if you were to turn around and say what was on your mind. You imagined it wouldn’t be pleasant.

The rest of the walk to the dining room was rather quiet, though you did your best to keep your eyes off of Ember (who apparently had a pair in the back of her head) as you walked, not wanting to repeat the same mistake from earlier. As it turned out, the more effort you put into not checking her out, the more difficult it became to refrain. Who would’ve thought?