Your Family and You

“Luuuna. I’m booored!”

Luna’s ear twitched. “We are aware. You’ve stated as such multiple times now. Alas, as we have also stated before, there’s nothing we can do about that at the present.” There is a rustle of paper as she turns the page of the large tome she wasn’t currently perusing. She had to squint, as the text appeared faded in the flickering lantern light. It was the only illumination down here in the depths of the Archives.

Flopped down on one of the few worn-out couches that were scattered about the place, I stared upwards into the mentally-crushing pitch blackness above. It was so dark that even after being down here for what was surely multiple hours, my eyes still hadn’t adjusted to it. Without the lantern light, I couldn’t see my hoof in front of my face, even though it was white.

There was some amusement to be found though. Dust swirled through the shadows, causing my eyes to play tricks on my mind. Creatures and spirits sashayed through the air, twisting and spiraling through unseen currents. That could only keep my attention for so long though, which led us back to our current predicament.

“Luuuna!”

“Do you wish for us to find you a book of coloring?” Luna asked, not glancing up from her reading. “Or perhaps one that pops up in a manner used to surprise and delight little foals? We believe there are quite a few in the next section over.” She turned a few more pages by hoof before sighing and closing the book. Placing it onto the ever-growing discard pile, she peered over at me as she picked up another one. “Or, perhaps you’d care to help us search? The sooner we find it, the sooner we can leave, and the sooner you are no longer bored.”

“We tried that, remember?” I asked, kicking my legs in the air.

“Ah, yes,” Luna sighed. “You were unable to read.”

“Magic,” I snorted.

“Yes, yes, it’s a very old security method,” Luna tsked as she began leafing through the new tome. “The only way to read the text is to have a minute amount of magic coursing through one’s horn.” The pages crinkled beneath her hoof as she turned them, the aged parchment brittle and stiff. “Starswirl became exceedingly paranoid in his later years.”

“Well, yeah,” I grumbled. “After what Riddick did to her, I’d be too.”

“Him,” she corrected, not looking up.

“Her.”

“What?” This time she glanced up at me. “Him. Starswirl the Bearded. Stallion.”

“Her,” I insisted. “I’m not sure about the exact details, but according to Riddick, Starswirl was born a mare. When he became Discord, he did something to change her. Also, there was something about a pregnancy, but I’m not entirely sure.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “You could ask Vinyl about it. She seems to remember everything from back then.”

Luna was silent a moment, studying me closely in the darkness. “We… shall endeavor to do so later. It is true that as a sanguinarian pony, she is immune to most mental manipulation spells.” The corners of her mouth twitched upward. “In fact, that was one of the reasons we almost considered becoming one back in the old days.”

That caused me to blink. “What? Like, you were thinking about becoming a vampony?”

“It seemed like the natural thing to do at the time,” Luna said with a shrug as she turned back to the books before her. “A protection against mind magic, increased sense of smell and hearing, better night vision, and—” she held up a wing, a single primary feather extended “—we were already isolating ourselves to our night, so we wouldn’t have any of the negative side effects, as they are only experienced during our sister’s day.”

“Negative side effects?” I asked, my mind drifting to Primrose. She didn’t seem all that different in the daytime than at night.

“Sanguinarians are extremely sensitive to light,” Luna explained, even as she flipped through the pages of a massive tome. “We’re sure you’ve noticed that ex-captain Primrose is more susceptible to flashes of light than her other guards?”

“Yeeeah,” I said slowly, one of my ears twitching against my head. “Yeah, there’s been a couple of times that’s happened.”

“Another side effect can be a state of lethargy. Many sanguinarians become lethargic during the day hours, and may even appear disoriented or drowsy. It is believed this is caused by the senses being overwhelmed in the daytime hours.”

“Really?” I blinked. “That… I haven’t noticed anything like that. I think. She doesn’t seem slower during the day.”

“Did she not adopt a different sleep schedule upon arriving in your services?” Luna asked. “If we recall correctly, she’s been sleeping at night and awake during the day?”

“Yeah…”

“Then you have not yet seen her true potential,” Luna clucked. “Shame. A sanguinarian in their prime is something beautiful to behold.” She turned a few more pages before pausing suddenly. “Ah, we do believe we might have found it.”

“Really?” I blinked before awkwardly righting myself. “You found the spell?”

“We believe so,” Luna hummed. “One moment please.” Her lips moved silently as she mouthed the words, her eyes darting back and forth across the page. As she read, her ear flapped in time with her eye movements, much like a typewriter readjusting itself after each line. It was actually adorable to watch.

After a few seconds of this, she nodded. “Yes, this is the spell we’ve been looking for. An exchange of minds from the bodies therein. This should allow you and Celestia to switch back permanently.”

I gave her an alarmed look. “P-permanently? What?”

“We came across a spell earlier that would allow you to switch back, but the duration would have been random,” she explained. “You and Celestia would have swapped between your bodies at random. This one will allow the switch only once per cast. Once you are back in your body, there you shall remain until the spell is cast again.”

“Great!” I smiled, eager to finally get out of this weird body. Especially before the food I consumed last night and this morning needed to come out again. “So, do we have Celestia come to Canterlot, or are we headed to Ponyville?”

“Neither.”

My smile vanished. “Say what now?”

“Neither,” Luna repeated. Standing from her seat, she closed the book and tucked it under her wing. Leaving the other books where they were, she turned and headed in the direction of the exit. “We may have found the spell, yes, but we still need to study it. It doesn’t seem all that complex, but we’ll have to look it over tonight to make sure.”

“But… why can’t you just cast it now?!”

This caused Luna to pause. Peering over her shoulder at me, she cocked an eyebrow. “You are not well versed in magic, are you?” When I shook my head, she continued. “If we cast this spell without studying it closely, it could have disastrous effects.”

My eyes narrowed. “Like… how disastrous are we talking here?”

“Do you enjoy having your head attached to your shoulders?”

“Y-yes?”

“And do you enjoy having your organs in their correct places?”

“I believe so…”

“And do you enjoy waking up each morning with the ability to dress, clean, and feed yourself?”

“...”

“Then I shall take tonight to study the spell closely, so that we might be able to cast it correctly on the morrow. Now come. We are hungry.” Smirking, Luna headed off into the darkness, taking the lantern with her. For a moment, I was motionless, then, with shaky legs, I stumbled quickly after the fading red light.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

I had to squint as I moved down the hall, as my eyes were still adjusting to the late afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. Luna didn’t seem to have the same problem, and I used this to my advantage, following after the large dark-blue blob in front of me.

Something Luna seemed to take notice of.

“If we didn’t know better, we’d say you are fascinated with our plot. Didst thou find something you like?” The blob shifted slightly as I assumed Luna glanced back over her shoulder at me, and I could hear the smirk in her voice.

“Nah,” I grunted, still squinting. “Still can’t see anything. Just following the biggest thing I can find, which happens to be your flank.”

The blob stop. “Did you just call us… fat?”

“I called you big,” I said, stepping to the side so I didn’t run into her. “Don’t project your insecurities onto me. Or did you forget you are bigger than the average pony?”

“We didn’t forget,” Luna hemmed. “Still, please cease your staring. The sight of our sister staring intently at our plot like that is more than a little disturbing. Granted, you aren’t her, but still, it’s her body and her gaze.”

“A’ight,” I sighed. “I understand. No more staring until I get back into my own body.”

“Yes,” Luna said, nodding. “No more staring until… hey!”

“Too late, you already agreed.” I chuckled as she glared at me, her face red. “Don’t worry, Luna. You are a good friend, but I don’t like you like that. Only one alicorn for me, thank you.”

“For now, at least,” Luna huffed under her breath. “You’re going to have to learn to love one more before too long.”

“Wait, what?” I asked, an ear twitching. “What do you mean ‘one more’? You aren’t actually planning something, are you?”

It was Luna’s turn to twitch an ear. She slowed and gave me an incredulous look. “She… has not told you yet?”

“She?” I blinked before grimacing. “It’s… it’s not Celestia, is it? Oh fuck no. She better not be crushing on me. Hell no. Not happening.” Sticking out my tongue, I gagged.

“No, it’s not our sister,” Luna growled. “We can’t believe… we told her… this… she is insufferable sometimes!” Snorting, she stomped a hoof and looked like she was about to say something. Her chest fluffed out but then she deflated slightly as she sighed. “This is how it’s going to be then, huh? Very well. We shall play this game too.”

I opened my mouth to ask what she was talking about, but a clatter of hooves from behind prevented that. Turning, we both watched as a herd of overly-dressed ponies came around the corner. They walked with their noses in the air, and upon seeing us, they sped up.

“Ah ha! There she is!” one of the ponies in front—a unicorn stallion with a mane that looked like it was more hair gel than hair—shouted.

“By the Maker, not now,” Luna groaned.

“What the—?” I took a step back as the herd of ponies fanned out in front of us. Or rather, in front of me, as Luna almost got pushed to the side. It was only by digging in her hooves and pushing out her chest that she was able to keep her place beside me.

The unicorn stallion that had cried out was apparently the leader of this merry band of nobles, and he glared up at me. “Really, Princess. Canceling Day Court just to not have to deal with us? A petty move, to be sure, but we will not be ignored!”

“Uh…” I replied with dignity.

“Emerald Codex,” Luna said, her voice cold and emotionless. “There was a reason our sister cancelled Day Court today. A personal reason. And we have no doubt you were informed, any matters that are too important to wait until such time as Day Court is held again shall be discussed during Night Court.”

“Where we shall get a mediocre decision.” A noble from the back called out.

The temperature in the hallway dropped slightly.

“What didst thou just say?” Luna hissed.

“Forgive the bluntness of the statement, Princess Luna, but it’s true,” Emerald Codex said quickly. “These are matters of daytime events and procedures, while you are more focused on night time problems. It isn’t a matter of influence but experience. Princess Celestia has been dealing with this a lot longer than you have.”

Luna’s eyes narrowed. “Are we a joke to you? We’ve been ruling for longer than you’ve been alive, Emerald Codex, and for longer than your ancestors have been buried. We’ve experienced more than you or your foals or your grandfoals could possibly hope to experience.”

‘And yet,” Emerald Codex said, unphased by Luna’s apparently anger, “when it comes to humans, I have more experience than you, Princess. You’ve only just recently returned to us, and humans were not around when you ruled previously. You have only a few years of experience dealing with them, unlike us.”

Before Luna could respond, the stallion turned his attention back to me. “Now then, Princess Celestia. We realize that certain information has come to light that might color how you believe we should do business, and normally we’d be more than willing to change our business models to fit within the laws you’ve laid down, but this—” his horn lit up and he pulled out a folded up piece of paper which bore an official-looking seal “—this is just going too far.”

Realizing I wasn’t getting out of this without speaking, but not sure what the fuck was going on, I settled on doing what I did best: one word responses. “Explain.”

“We are allowed to continue using humans in our factories and workplaces… as long as we pay them the same wages that we’d pay a pony?” Codex asked, waving the paper about.

“You want us to pay the humans?” a noblemare beside Codex who could have been his twin spoke up. “With bits?! Absurd!”

“That is what you typically do when you have someon—pony working for you,” I said slowly. “You pay them. That is the law, is it not?”

“But in bits?” the mare gasps. “It’s… unheard of! Paying humans in bits.”

“And the same amount we’d pay a pony?” Codex sniffed. “They aren’t even that efficient. It takes weeks to train them when a pony can learn it in days. They have no problem-solving skills, so we have to hire handlers to make sure nothing goes wrong. Hay, even their work speed is slower than a pony. Why should pay them the same I’d pay for a pony worker, when I could get a pony to do double the work for the same amount?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Then hire a pony to do the work and quit complaining.”

The stallion looked like I had slapped him. Opening and closing his mouth, it took him a few seconds to find his voice. “T-that’s beside the point! This isn’t about work efficiency or proper workplace management. This is about the fact that I don’t pay a line working the same as a manager. Why should I pay a human the same and get less product for it? I should be able to pay them for the quality of work they’ve done. We are here to argue for fair labor laws concerning our humans!”

“No. You’re here pushing for slavery.”

Silence immediately fell over the hall as everyone stopped moving. All ponies looked at me with wide eyes, even Luna. Trying to ignore being the center of attention, I glared down at Emerald Codex and slowly shook my head. “What you want is to continue using humans as your primary workforce without having to pay them for their service. You want to have free labor without paying for services rendered. You want a cheap, easy way to make money, and you’re upset that it has been taken away from you. You don’t want to pay them for the quality of their work. You don’t want to pay them at all. That’s slavery.”

“That’s not… we aren’t… you can’t just…” Emerald stuttered out.

Beside him, his possible twin shook her head. “It’s a waste of bits! The humans never spend them. They hoard them. Drop them in the streets. I’ve even seen a few of them eat them! They don’t know what to do with them! They don’t even want them! All they want is food!”

“Then pay them in food,” I grunted. “You don’t want to give them bits? Fine. Convert their wages into an amount of food of equal value and then give them that as payment. They earned 25 bits? Give them 25 bits worth of food.”

“You want us to go grocery shopping… for humans?!” the mare shrieked.

“Either pay your humans what they are owed—whether in bits or otherwise—or find a pony to do the work for you instead. End of discussion. Good day.” With that, I turned and walked off down the hall. A moment later, Luna followed, leaving the nobles behind in stunned silence.