YOU PONIES ARE LUCKY IDIOTS!

"So wait, you don't use your army to deal with threats to national security," Colonel Hansen asked the group assembled with some dismay. The Two Monarchs of Equestria and the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony had agreed to this meeting, citing Hansen's concerns regarding policing and national defense in Equestria.

"Army?" Celestia said, cocking her head.

"Why would we need an...army?" Luna said, as if the concept of an army was utterly incomprehensible. Hansen looked at the princess pair with disbelief.

"Well," Hansen said uneasily, "what are those guards in gold for?" Hansen asked them, gesturing with his head toward the white-furred guards guarding the doors.

"Oh, they deal with minor threats to the kingdom," Luna said with a wave of her wing.

"You mean they're more of a police force," Hansen replied.

"Police?" Celestia said in a confused tone. Hansen's look of disbelief returned. "Oh, oh right, police," Celestia said, as if a police force was something she forgot to pack for vacation but then remembered at the last minute. Hansen let out a quiet sigh before continuing.

"How do you defend against national threats to your nation?" Colonel Hansen asked the two monarchs in a voice tinged with trepidation. He noticed eager smiles sprouting on the faces of the Bearers.

"We have the greatest magic of all," Twilight said heartily.

"What is that?" Colonel Hansen said.

"The Magic of Friendship!" they all said, as if they were cheerleaders at a high school.

"The Magic of Friendship?" Colonel Hansen parroted.

The lavender unicorn proceeded to exuberantly explain what the Magic of Friendship was and how it was central to the defense of Equestria. By the end of the lecture, Hansen looked at the ponies with a stone face.

"Colonel Hansen," Twilight asked. Colonel Hansen stared at them solemnly while clenching his fist. "Colonel Hansen-,"

"YOU PONIES ARE LUCKY IDIOTS!" Hansen bellowed at the assembled ponies, who were taken aback by the human's outburst.

"Mr. Hansen," Pinkie Pie said with teary eyes, "that was really, really mean."

"How could you Colonel?" Rarity said. "You made Pinkie Pie cry."

"Worst human!" Rainbow said with narrowed eyes as she put a comforting hoof on the party pony.

"Well, your whole defense strategy relies on you six staying friends!" Colonel Hansen said in outrage.

"And what's wrong with that?!" Applejack said furiously. "I think that's the best strategy ever."

"How could it possibly go wrong?" Fluttershy asked.

"A LOT OF THINGS!" Hansen said. "What if one of you died?! Or you had to move away because of career change?! Then how would you crazy ponies defend yourselves?!" The ponies were annoyed at Colonel Hansen's clearly unreasonable remarks. But then they put their hooves against their chins in serious thought.

"Hmm. I never...thought about it that way," Applejack said after several eons of contemplation.

"Oh yeah," Princess Celestia, as if remembering some forgotten errand. "Death. I forgot about...that thing."

"It appears we are so long lived, we forgot things like...that," Princess Luna said with a goofy grin. A look of sheer disgust formed on Colonel Hansen's face.

"And it isn't just death that could separate you six!" Colonel Hansen yelled, while rubbing his forehead to control the splitting headache forming on his head. "You six could get into a fight over things like politics, social shifts, and romantic interests."

"That's just silly," Fluttershy said with a reassuring smile. "Our friendship is eternal." She looked down and then up with her deep blue eyes. "Besides, Pinkie PiexApplejackxRainbow Dash is best threesome." The Colonel was stunned, hearing those words come from Fluttershy's mouth.

"That's silly," Rainbow Dash. "I picture the real OTP being me and Twilight."

"Really?" Twilight asked, more intrigued than flustered.

"You know, the wound up nerd paired with the uncouth athlete," Rarity said.

"Exactly," Rainbow Dash said. She then did a double take. "Hey, what did you call me?"

"I always pictured all of us together in a free love relationship." Pinkie Pie said idly. Fluttershy's faced turned red and she began breathing heavily at the thought.

"Where do we fit in?" Princess Celestia asked Pinkie Pie asked.

"You aren't in the herd," Pinkie Pie admitted with a shrug.

"Awww," Princess Celestia and Princess Luna said sadly, looking downcast. "But you do get Birthday and New Year privileges." Fluttershy began bleeding through her nostrils.

"Yay!" The two Princesses said, bumping hooves together.

"Truth is, I pictured myself settling down with Twilight." Princess Celestia said with a hungry smile. Twilight blushed underneath her fur.

"The whole student teacher romance thing?" Applejack said. Princess Celestia said. "That's so cliché," Applejack said with a roll of her eyes and an unimpressed frown.

"Its...still...hot," Fluttershy said in a quiet but shaky voice.

"WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHO'S FUCKING WHO LATER!" Colonel Hansen said, ending the discussion of shipping. A blush formed on his face. "The teacher-student thing is-," he rolled his eyes. "Anyways, we need to figure out how to deal with evil villains if you lose the Magic of Friendship."

"But what can we do?" Twilight said.

"Well, make weapons and use them," Colonel Hansen said as if talking to children. He pinched the bridge of his nose when they again looked at him in confusion.

"Weapons?" Princess Luna said, cocking her head. "For what?"

"You know," Colonel Hansen said. "To...kill...or injure the bad guy."

"Kill? Injure?" Princess Celestia said. She let out a scoff. "I don't see how...THAT would work." Colonel Hansen rolled his eyes and took a deep breath.

"OK, I'll show you how its done," Hansen said with forced patience.

"Please stop," Daisy asked feebly as her cart was destroyed by a Diamond Dog.

"Shut up, pony!", the Diamond Dog said as he continued to stomp on the flower seller's cart. "Cart mine!" Daisy looked at the scene with moist eyes, angry at her own inability to stop her cart from being mangled. The other ponies looked on in sadness, wishing they could help their pink friend.

A woosh sound was heard. The ponies in the crowd turned to see the two Princesses and a human had teleported to the middle of their village. The ponies began cheering the arrival of their mighty yet kind leaders.

"Your majesties," Daisy said, approaching the two monarchs with a bow. "That meanie is destroying my cart. Please help me."

"Colonel Theodore Hansen," Hansen grunted over the pink pony's lack of acknowledgement. "Glad to meet you too, miss," he said politely but with a hint of sarcasm.

"Never fear my little pony," Princess Celestia said kindly.

"We shall save the day!" Princess Luna said dramatically. The other ponies in the crowd cheered wildly at the arrival of their saviors. The two of them looked nervously at the rampaging Diamond Dog, before looking uneasily at each other, while the assembled ponies looked them expectantly.

"Well," Colonel Hansen said forcefully to Princess Celestia. "Go on. Show me the Power of Friendship."

"Very well," Princess Celestia said uneasily. "I will," she began, "volunteer Luna to do it." Luna glared at Celestia, who whistled innocently. With an annoyed sigh, Luna reluctantly trotted forward, the crowd of ponies and Colonel Hansen watching her intently.

"Excuse me," Princess Luna said timidly to the Diamond Dog. The brute continued pulverizing the cart. "Excuse me," Princess Luna said a little more loudly. The sentient canine continued to ignore the pony princess.

"EXCUSE ME!" Luna bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. The Diamond Dog stopped his rampage to glare at the blue pony.

"What you want, pony?!" The Diamond Dog bellowed. Princess Luna looked at the ground uneasily. "Well, what you want?!"

"Um," Princess Luna said nervously. "I was, um, wondering if you please stop destroying that nice pony's cart." The Diamond Dog continued to glare at her. "Pretty, pretty, please with sugar, cherry, and a marshmallow on top." The Diamond Dog turned away from her in disinterest and continued destroying the cart. Princess Luna let out an annoyed sigh.

"Well, I tried," Princess Luna said, trotting back over to Celestia.

"Awww," Daisy and the other ponies assembled said.

"Don't worry Loony," Celestia said, reassuring her sister by draping a comforting wing on Luna's shoulder. "You tried your best." Colonel Hansen face-palmed and grunted.

"OK," Colonel Hansen said with annoyance. "We'll do things my way." The uniformed man walked up to the Diamond Dog.

"Sir, I'm gonna give you five seconds to step away from the cart and turn yourself in," Colonel Hansen said in authoritative voice. The Diamond Dog dropped the wheel he was preparing to smash and looked at the uniformed soldier.

"Who are you?" The Diamond Dog said. "Some kind of monkey?"

"Colonel Theodore Hansen of the US Army," the military officer said. "I'm gonna give you one more chance to step away from the cart and surrender." The Dog let out a vicious grin and put up his paws in a fist form.

"OK Monkey," the Diamond Dog said with sinister joy. He pulled out a huge knife and began waving it around threateningly. "Let's duel," he finished, pointing the sword straight at the human's face.

With a look of quiet disgust, Hansen pulled a pistol out of his holster and shot the Dog in the head. The brute fell to the ground dead, blood leaking from his brain. The ponies were startled by the sound of the gunshot.

The two Princesses and the crowed looked at Hansen with shock.

"That, that worked?" Celestia said in shock. Hansen put his pistol back into his holder and began walking toward the two royals.

"He, killed that Dog," Luna said with what sounded like controlled horror said as Hansen approached them.

"Look your Majesties, I know you don't approve of death," Hansen said somewhat regretfully. "But he didn't come quietly and he held a knife to my face so I had no-," he paused as the pony princesses ran up to him with eager smiles.

"How did you do that?!" Princess Celestia said with a cheerful grin. Colonel Hansen looked at her with a mixture of fear and confusion.

"Well, the gun fired the metal really fast and it...pierced his brain," Colonel Hansen explained uneasily.

"You actually managed to defeat him," Luna said in awe as if he had lifted the sky onto his shoulders.

"I guess," Colonel Hansen said, still taken aback.

"Show us how to do it!" Princess Celestia said excitedly

"Teach us, please!" Luna said exuberantly.

"Can I have one of those mini-cannon things," Daisy said excitedly. The other ponies began clamoring around Hansen, eagerly asking for a gun.

"OK, sure," Colonel Hansen said, his heart thundering in his chest as he wondered what he had just awakened in these ponies.

A brown unicorn with a white mane collapsed to the ground as Tirek drained the pony of his magic.

"Why worry pony," Tirek said in feigned sympathy as he pinched the unicorn's cheek. "Rejoice. You have aided me in my rise to power. Take comfort in the fact that your magic will fuel the greatest reign this land will ever know. Mine." With this new addition, Tirek grew slightly taller, and his back straightened even more.

"Now, who will be-," Tirek began.

"Halt, Tirek!" A voice interrupted. To Tirek's initial shock, the pony princesses approached him with steeled eyes. They were accompanied by a human soldier. Tirek's shock twisted into amusement.

"Well, Luna, Celestia, how are you?" Tirek asked the two monarchs, as if speaking to two old friends. He looked disdainfully at Colonel Hansen. "I see you've gained yourself a new pet." Colonel Hansen rolled his eyes in annoyance at Tirek's remarks. "To what do I owe this visit?"

"Your defeat," Luna said firmly. Tirek snorted.

"I see your uncontested reign has left you two feeble," Tirek said idly. "You should be aware that while many enemies would crumble in the face of your power, I can easily consume it like a potion." Tirek let out a nasty grin. "Blasting me with your magic would only strengthen me. But very well, if you insist on surrendering your power to me, I shall allow you the first turn."

"Very well," Celestia said with a kind smile. There was a blast which shook everyone. Tirek was startled out of his arrogance.

"What was that noise?!" Tirek said. He soon realized something bumped into his chest. He looked down and saw a red, gaping wound had formed there. Tirek looked up wearily and saw Celestia was levitating a gun with her magic, a casual smirk etched on her face. Tirek clutched his chest, groaning in pain. Before he said anything else, he collapsed dead onto the grass.

"I've got a hand it to you colonel," Celestia said happily.

"These...goons....are more effective than relying on my sister's student and her friends to solve our problems," Luna said, eyeing her own pistol strapped to her right front leg by her holster.

"I guess," Colonel Hansen said cautiously.

"From now on, this is how we'll solve our problems," Celestia said toothily.

"Who needs friendship when we have one of these things," Luna said, pulling out her pistol with her magic. A shot accidentally went off in her telekinetic grasp.

"Ahh," someone groaned. The colonel and the princesses watched as the brown unicorn writhed in agony, the bullet having clipped him in his right back leg.

"Oww," the unicorn moaned in pain. "Somepony help me. I think I'm bleeding." Luna looked at her gun and at the unicorn and let out a sheepish smile. Celestia and Hansen glared at her.

"Worry not little pony," Luna said. "You shan't be feeling pain any longer." Luna shot the unicorn in the head. He fell to the ground dead. Colonel Hansen and Princess Celestia were shocked at what just happened.

"Luna," Celestia said in a scolding tone. "Why did you do that?"

"I said he would stop feeling pain," Luna said with a wry smile. "He certainly won't be feeling anything anymore." Luna started chuckling at her joke. Celestia continued to glare, but soon she found herself giggling along with her sister.

"Oh Luna, you silly pony," Celestia cooed.

Colonel Hansen watched the scene with a forced smile and terrified eyes.

"Oh god! What monsters have I created?" Colonel Hansen thought to himself in terror as the two sisters continued to laugh.