NONE OF IT MATTERS

Applejack P.I was investigating the case of a missing transvestite pony. She was drinking a few vodka shots in the most popular bar in Alabama Twix (The counter-revolutionary settlement).

A gruff stallion approached her and said “Блин, у тебя сексуальные гениталии,”

“Velvet Buzzsaw был недооцененным фильмом,” was her response.

The stallion then pinned her to the ground and penetrated her in a non-consensual manner. Applejack picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and smashed it over his head. Applejack laughed as the blood sprayed from a crack in his forehead. She then cried.

The stallion was kept alive using advanced medical technology and magic so he could be publicly hung the next day. Truly, the voter base was creaming themselves for the opportunity to see which politician would suggest the most appropriate fate for such a beast. A competition based on brutality. The stallion was justly hung. And that was the end of that.

Applejack P.I received a strange phone call. It was from Lieutenant Twilight Sparkle (clearly using some kind of burner phone).

“The elephants were boiled in their tanks,” was the message.

Applejack was indignant and screamed questions but Twilight hung up quickly. Applejack tried to put what occurred to her behind her as just another thing that happened, an occupational hazard, but she could not.

“Fuck the transvestite!” she said.

As she ran from Alabama Twix into the great woods beyond, she looked behind her to see a small mushroom cloud in the distance. She tried to feel guilty or sad but she could not. She ran faster and eventually tripped over the corpse of the transvestite she was assigned to find.

“Guess that answers that question,” she said, before slinging the corpse over her back so she could eventually give them a Christian funeral.

Suddenly, CoUS forces helicoptered in from above. Minecraft Steve yelled from a loudhailer that Applejack should stop in the name of the Confederacy of Unicorn Supremacy.

Applejack P.I was now imprisoned in a slave camp. Minecraft Steve knocked on the wooden door.

“We back in the mine. Swinging our pickaxes from side to side. Side, side to side,” he croaked.

TO BE CONTINUED...