‘Dear Anon,
Meet me at the Golden Oaks Library this afternoon for a tea party with the girls. I know you don’t like these sorts of things, so I’ve politely asked Applejack to bring her ‘special’ cider you love so much. Please actually show up this time instead of giving us excuses. It’s of utmost importance.
Your’s truly, TS’

You clutched the note in your hand, crumpling it up and tossing it behind your head. You then danced like your legs were being electrocuted by millions of volts of electricity. Well, if electricity existed in magic talking horse land.

“Fuck yeah, Apple family hard whiskey is the SHIT. And it’s only about 20 minutes until the party. I’m getting hella drunk tonight.”

You are Anon, the only human in a world full of colorful, sometimes retarded and sometimes cute, cartoon ponies. You usually lazed about your days working odd jobs in a small rural town called Ponyville.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to do better for yourself, you were just an extremely unmotivated fuck who would rather procrastinate all day or have confectionery eating contests with a certain pink Deadpool knock-off than do any actual work. Lucky that the ponies of this rural town are nice enough to give you a place to stay until you can get a livable job.

But enough about you (sadly). As quick as a jackrabbit looking for the nearest latrine, you slam your house door open and lunge towards your refrigerator to deposit this week’s groceries.

A wave of depression sweeps over the room as you place your few fresh cod into the icebox in the basement, once again remembering that you’ll have no meat this week. Or ever again.

“What I wouldn’t do to have a nice steak or burger. Been a year since I’ve had any REAL protein and I can’t hunt any of the animals around out fear of flutter-butter and her stare,” You said as fearful shivering found its way into your pants. You swore you could see her peering at you through your window, silently judging you. “But in my defense, that rabbit was fucking tastier than any rabbit I ever had on Earth!”

Yes it was true, Fluttershy actively tried to keep you from eating anything sentient or sapient after she saw you eating a freshly cooked rabbit. Nobody talked to you for a month, considering it was directly after making her so angry she actually managed to burn a hole into the restaurant’s wall and subsequently burn the whole building down as a result. Then she started chasing you around with a broom and beat you over the head with the bristles for the rest of the day. All was forgiven after you got on your knees and apologized for eating Angel’s cousin.

Shaking your head, you re-bottle up your emotional depression and continue shelving the different vegetables and fruits. Once done, you decided on going to the bathroom to do your three favorite activities: Shower, shave, masturbate (not in any particular order). After a steaming shave and a face-cutting shower, you fantasized about one of the denizens of Ponyville you had gotten to know. Oh if only you could give that Pinkie tongue a real workout… with your genitals. It’s very probable that the whole town could hear all the animalistic grunting.

Finished with your lovely self care, you decided to head back out the house towards the giant oak tree shaped library, not locking the front door since locked doors are only ever installed inside of homes, INSTEAD of outside, in this crazy sideways town. And yes, it was literally sideways around your house every Thursday. A certain Spirit of Chaos made sure to fuck around with you the same day every week.

Eventually, you reach the treebrary and took in the sight of the fuckery that it was.

“Didn’t I see a fireplace inside, as well as a lightning rod on the very top? Horseland physics are both retardedly strange and convenient,” You said aloud.

But before you were able to enter into the foyer/library, the door got near torn off its hinges by a VERY disturbed-looking librarian. Her left eye twitched and her mane lie frazzled.

Steam exited her nose as she opened her mouth to yell at you. “WHERE IN CELESTIA’S MANE HAVE YOU BEEN?! It’s been an HOUR past the time I wrote on the note!”

“Calm down, Twiggles. I was just eating lunch. By the way, here’s your bit bag back.” You toss said bag. “You should probably hide it in a safer place than in your dirty clothes basket. Remind me again why you have panties and the like when you horses never wear anything half the time?”

Stepping inside, you see a small table set up with a tea set, stale sandwiches, and even a bucket of ice with a few empty cider bottles. On the carved wood-tile floor lay Rainbow Dash, who surprise surprise, was currently drunk as FUCK.

Seeing your favorite drinking buddy brought you to snort softly. “I see Rainbow took the liberty of trying to out drink me before I even got here.”

“Hold up, back up just a few seconds. You poked around through my underwear?!” the mare’s face blazed brighter than a candle.

To which you replied, “Yes, I did. Take it from me Twinkle Sprinks, you’d be better off getting some pink and purple striped ones. Frilly and blue doesn’t really suit you. Maybe then you’d actually gZndjJY-“

Before you could finish, your mouth was abruptly and painfully shut closed by Smart-flank’s magenta magic. Oddly her magic tasted like raspberry-flavored batteries, but not at all unpleasant. Wonder what that horn tastes like now?

“The girls and I thought we could get you to tone down your mouth by having an intervention at the tea party, but nooo...” Twilight paused to levitate over a piece of chalk, hastily drawing a magic circle around you. “You just keep pushing and pushing like Equestria is your playpen! Your blatant disregard for everypony is inexcusable! It’s time somepony does something!”

You wipe away Twilight’s magic on your mouth, albeit with difficulty, and click your tongue a few times. “Nice try there, purple horse, but I know you aren’t going to do anything. I’m just going to go grab the last bottle of whiskey and-“

A blindingly bright flash of light bathed the room in what can only be described as pure sunlight. It burned both your eyes and made your skin feel as if it were made of fire and pain. Though you couldn’t see anything, your could tell you were laying on some sort of dust against the wood floor.

“GUGH, fuck you Twilight! You’ve gone and made me blind!” You exploded out like a small child, hands digging into your eye sockets to dig away at the pain.

You try to stand up, but are firmly met with weight on top of your chest and other body parts, particularly your lower half. You stop cawing at your eyes for long enough to spot a blurred mass of green and black sitting directly on your body.

The mass suddenly began to shift, as if it were being roused from slumber. The sight of unknown mass on top of you shocked you to no end, causing what should have been the sexiest voice alive into one that would rival Rarity’s younger sister screaming. “Sweet Jesus fuck what did you do to my body?! I’m covered in tumors made of hair! Tumhairs!”

Twilight lay disoriented on top of the metal unicorn bust-table, visible stars and moons somehow manifesting and spinning around her head, moaning something or other about books. Upon recovering from her stupor, she took one glance at you and gasped. “Sweet mother of Celestia what have I done…”

Author's Note

I regret nothing. I'm hoping to release updates at least twice a month, since I'll be attending university come Aug. 26th.