Welp
I fucked up.

It’s honestly hard to put into words how much I fucked up.

Doesn’t mean I’m not going to try, though.

It’s been… at least a year since I last opened this goddamn journal. For the first two months after I ran away, I kept it near me at all times… kept holding out hope that it would buzz, and there would be something, anything written in there… maybe asking how I was doing, or where I was, or if I was even alive.

Then I realised that it wasn’t going to happen. I realised that, no matter what I may hope… you’d given up on me. Possibly forever.

…so now I just use this diary as a magical conduit.

Yeah! Suck on that Celestia! This thing runs off your magical reservoirs, and about six months ago I figured out how to mooch sweet, sweet magical energy off of you from half the world over! It was pretty complicated, but I fucking did it! Wohoo!

Granted, I only use it when I’m desperate and completely magically depleted. Like I am right now.

Aaaand… for like a week after I figured out how to do it I made a point to use up most of your reserves during dinner, because I know you like to use your magic to shovel cake into your mouth and draining all your energy makes that a little bit harder.

Yes, it was petty. But honestly, what the fuck did you expect from me? I’m like, nineteen. Right now. I was seventeen back then.

You know.

Back then.

I’ve changed, though.

It’s been two years.

And… I’ve done a lot of stuff.

Let’s see.

· I escaped from left Equestria and decided to travel the world
· I became an expert on rune magic from some goat in the Scottish hills, and got my first hangover after trying English ale. That shit can really fuck you up.
· I got hired as a mage by some rich guy in Saddle Arabia. It didn’t last, but that was mostly his fault.
· I killed a man.
· No, not really. I did singe his ass real bad when I found out he was a slave driver who sold underage kids into prostitution, though. He deserved it.
· I met this really pretty griffon named Aster, and she taught me to play the guitar.
· Aster and I fell in lo
· I wrote a book about my escapades, and then decided it had series potential. So Aster convinced I gave some random tourist who seemed passionate about writing a significant fraction of my vast fortune to travel the world and continue the series.
· Oh, did I mention that? I’m rich now. Turns out being a really powerful magician-for-hire who was trained by Princess Celestia herself has its perks. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of me.
Who the fuck am I kidding. You’re probably the one who sent that spy to track me down. Did he ever tell you the consequences of that decision when he finally returned? I hope he fucking did.
Remember that whatever happened was your fault, Celestia. It was your fa
· And I became even richer once I moved to Siberia, because y’know, you’re not welcome here I’m a pyromancer. That’s a pretty revered trait in these parts, and I’ve been in high demand- especially since I’ve developed my skills a lot since we last talked. The royals of the area actually hired me to make a massive phoenix-themed fire show for some celebration they had, and the pay was enough to buy me an entire house!
· I kept exploring the Siberian wilderness. There’s not much here except ice, snow, some old-timers huddled around fires they’ll pay you to make warmer, and forests that hide dangerous ruins that you shouldn’t go inside.
· I went inside one of those ruins looking for something that I thought would be useful to have.
· And now I’m dead. This is my ghost writing this.

WOooooOO!

Nah, not really.

I’m still alive, unless I died without noticing and this place is just hell.

…

Actually, now that I think about it, that’s a legitimate possibility.

…

eh.

There’s some weird four-legged fuckers following me around, and I don’t know what they are. I did see them crowded around a dead body, tearing strips of flesh off it… so yeah.

I was violently sick soon afterwards. Just so you know.

…

Oh, I should probably explain.

I stepped into some ruins in a forest, and the door closed behind me. And when I used my illumination spell, some weird things tried bum rushing me, and I burned the lot to a crisp.

But there were way more hidden in the depths, and I couldn’t very well get out, could I?

So right now I’m hiding in a corner somewhere, praying that my fire will keep them away for a while. I’m dead tired, but I can’t sleep because I just fucking know they’re looking for an opening and will not hesitate to use it.

…

I get the feeling that I’ve spent so much time panicking that I’ve come full circle and achieved peak zen.

I’m finally at peace with myself.

Because I’m going to die. There’s no way I’m getting out of this alive.

Yay!

…

Wait, is this peak zen or peak nihilism? Cuz now that I think about it, it’s sounding more and more like nihilism.

That’s even better, honestly. I’m going to die and I don’t care!

Sunset Shimmer is going to die underground! Alone and fucking unloved! And she doesn’t care!

…

Wow.

You know, I’m glad I packed for a long trip. Though weirdly, I don’t feel hungry at all. I mean, it’s been a few hours, and I’m willing to bet I burned a lot of calories running from those creepy things.

I guess I’ll save my food. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be here.

At least I have a lot of ink and parchment. I came down here to do research on some stuff, you know. Mostly about Nightmare Moon.

Or should I say Princess Luna.

Yeah, that’s right you big fucking bitch. I know about Luna. Apparently, a lot of her bat people migrated to Siberia after you banished their queen to the fUCKING MOON FOR A MILLENIUM.

A MILLENIUM, CELESTIA. I know you’re immortal, but did you ever consider that a MILLENIUM WAS A BIT MUCH?

Fucking idiot.

Anyways, they were sympathetic towards my cause, and tipped me off about this place- apparently, it has a lot of lunar research. I was hoping I could find some stuff down here to turn her back from that monster she became… you know, because then I could make a nice, triumphant return to Equestria, and everybody could forgive me, and you’d offer me the opportunity to become your student again and I’d tell you to take your offer and shove it up your ass

Guess that’s out of the question now.

At least I have one saving grace. One of the bat-people’s leaders gave me a ring to signify the lunar cycle, and they told me it’s been tinted red ever since Luna became Nightmare Moon. Apparently, if it goes blue, Luna will have turned back into a normal princess.

So not only do I have a reliable way of keeping time underground, when Luna does finally get free on Nightmare Night, I can decide whether to continue trying to break out, or just wait to die down here.

It does make me wonder- why are you so exceptionally bad while dealing with power hungry people? Like, I thought I was the first stubborn cunt in the family.

I wasn’t.

And what did you do to the other one? Sentenced her to a goddamn millennium on the moon. Did you consider the ramifications of that action? She could have panic attacks every time she tries to raise the moon. She’ll never trust you again… actually, scratch that- she probably won’t trust anybody ever again. And she’ll be subservient to you for the rest of your days, because she knows what’ll happen when she steps out of line.

Is that what you wanted, Celestia? Is that what you wanted for your sister? For your equal? For the only person who would ever understand what it’s like to be immortal?

Well, I guess not the only person. Hey, is that why you made Cadence an alicorn too?

…

fuck me.

Haven’t you ever considered that helping your family through difficult times… times in which they’re seriously hurting and end up doing really stupid things… is better than simply banishing or imprisoning them?

You’ve had a millennium to learn, but I guess you’re still dumb as a brick.

I guess I can’t blame you too much, can I. You’ve been pulling shit like this for… I don’t know, most of your life? How old are you?

Still, you know what they say. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

…

Holy hell.

I’m going to die never having said these words to your face.

But I guess this is close enough.

Fuck you, Celestia.

…

Oh yeah, speaking of dying- my obituary!

If anybody finds my dead body, please transport it back to Saddle Arabia and ask around the capital city for a gal named ‘Siana’. She’s pretty popular, and she’ll know what I wanted to have done.

And if Siana isn’t around anymore… go to the second largest cemetery in the capital, and ask the caretaker about my final rites. And if even he isn’t around...

Alright, this is going to sound weird, but burn my body and split the ashes into two halves. Take one half back to the highest peak in Equestria, and scatter it to the wind. Make a big ceremony out of it; pegasii and weeping mourners all.

As for the other half, just walk around that Saddle Arabia cemetery until you find a massive statue of a really pretty griffon, and scatter the ashes on and around it. Also, could one of you leave some desert marigolds on that statue? I’d appreciate that. You can have all the bits in my saddlebags if you do.

…

You can see this, can’t you, Celestia?

Not that it’ll do me any good. There’s no fucking way in Tartarus you’re coming to rescue me, and regardless, I’d rather die down here than accept your help.

But just while we’re being honest here, I know I messed up. I know what I did was wrong.

At the same time though, you were a condescending bitch towards me and actively made things way worse. So fuuuuck yooooouuuu-

I should probably conserve ink.

I don’t even know how long I’m going to be down here, truthfully.

It’s very dark.

I probably won’t be able to keep this façade of bravado up for too much longer. Or this raging fire, to be perfectly candid. In a few hours, the flames will go out, those… those things will return, and I will fucking lose it.

Tell ya what. If I ever start begging for your forgiveness and asking you to come save me, use one of your omnipotent powers and put me out of my fucking misery. If I ever stoop so low as to come crawling back to you, it means I’ve probably already tried killing myself, and it didn’t work.

Wow, that got dark quick.

Still true, though.

Don’t get me wrong, Celestia; I feel guilty. I feel guilty for what I did to Cadence, and definitely for what I did to you.

But you aren’t blameless. And I think deep down, you know that.

…

I’m going to die.

Guess I should get everything I want to say down on paper then.

No more hesitating. Even if you do read this… it’ll be too late. I can already see the fire dimming, and eyes in the darkness. And honestly, if I’m ever going to die, I want to remember the things that made life worth living- not you.

So here we are.

We had a good run, Aster. I loved you till the fucking end, no matter how much you insisted I ‘move on’. I get it, you wanted me to be happy- I’d be in the same position if I was the one who’d died. But honestly… you didn’t have to ask out other girls on my behalf!

I know I was scandalized at the time… but honestly, you pulling that shit made me laugh for the first time in days. And you did it despite the pain…

Goddamnit, I love you so much it fucking hurts to even think about. I’m sure one day I’ll find someone new and settle down with them… but you’ll be there with me. I know this sounds weird, but we had a talk about this, remember?

No, you’ll remember. It was that day we’d decided to have a picnic on the beach. And after we’d finished fucki eating, I’d wiped cum food from the edge of your mouth and asked you if you’d ever love someone as much as you love me.

And you said ‘no more, but no less either’.

…I don’t think you ever truly realised how incredible you were. I get being modest, but you woke up every morning as if you didn’t know that you meant the world to me.

As if you weren’t my everything.

Remember that one morning after we’d broken up a street brawl? I challenged you to a hugging contest and you accepted. And then before we began, you called in sick to work, and my jaw literally dropped because I’d realised how far you were willing to go.

That was maybe the best day of my life. We didn’t let go of each other for nine hours straight, and I’d almost wet the bed by the end. And when we finally did let go and walk away, it took you all of ten minutes to realise you wanted more hugs.

And so we stayed awake for the entire night, giggling like little kids.

I could go on. The first time I said ‘I love you’, and you almost choked on your drink before jumping across the table and sloppily making out with me in what was supposed to be a family friendly restaurant. The time you told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to you, and I broke down crying and told you everything I had done.

You didn’t care, Aster. You literally could not give less of a fuck. And when I asked you why you didn’t care that I was a monster… you told me that I wasn’t one. Not anymore, at least.

If there is a heaven… you deserve to be in it. Got that?

Good.

Cuz you’re my fucking universe, and I hate it when you don’t realise that. If I hadn’t had to leave Saddle Arabia because of that goddamned spy, I’d still be visiting every day with marigolds.

That fucking caretaker better be reading those letters I’m sending to you every month. I’ll personally castrate him if he isn’t.

You remember the last words you said to me? I hope you do. Because you told me to ‘never be afraid to love again’.

And it hit me like a fucking bullet.

…I get the feeling that if you hadn’t said it… I would’ve done exactly that.

So thank you so fucking much. You are my universe… my suns and stars and moons and planets and oh god I’m crying.

I’m sorry, I promised you I wouldn’t cry.

But here we are.

The fire’s going out, and all I can think about is that one night in the desert we had to huddle together for warmth. I still remember the taste of your skin, the feeling of your hips pressing against mine, your back arching against the dying embers…

…the taste of your lips, and that sparkle in your beautiful fucking eyes.

Of all the people I have ever loved, Celestia was the first. But Aster, you were the best. And I promise you, I won’t let that weigh me down. And I won’t weigh you down either.

…

Fly, my desert marigold. Be free.

That was a fucking classic, wasn’t it? The two of us were viciously making out when suddenly… your wings just suddenly shot to attention. And me being me, I couldn’t resist the urge to make a snarky comment.

And then you grabbed me and flew almost a thousand feet into the air.

I don’t think I’ve ever screamed that loudly in my life.

And when we finally got to a wimpy desert cloud, I had to lie on top of you because otherwise I’d fall through. And I was so terrified until you held me tighter, and told me you’d never let me fall.

And then we watched the sunset, and you made jokes about my name, and I kissed you so hard that I was disoriented with my surroundings when we finally-

you know what, fuck it. I’m writing this for myself. Besides, it’s not like we had any shame back in the day.

-when you fucked me silly on top of a goddamn cloud, and we paraded home through the streets looking like we’d just had a gangbang in a hurricane, and I took in your face, and your hair, and your smile, shimmering like a mirage in the moonlight, and for a split second I was so terrified that none of it was real…

And then you picked me up bridal style and walked us home as I dosed off in your arms.

I love you, is what I’m trying to say.

I fucking love you so much.

And I know you hate apologies, but you can’t resist when I tell you that I love you, so I’ll just slip this in.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

…

…

…

Ah, shit.

THEY FOUND ME THEY FUCKING FOUND-

im going to die down here

oh god im going to FUCKING DIE DOWN HERE-

I DON’T WANT TO DIE OH GOD

celestia I’m sorry for everything please I’m so sorry

Well, that was a literal walking nightmare. They almost had me a few times back there! had to spend a lot of time hiding in a vent of some sort. That smell, I tell ya- it was just like burnt flesh!

Actually, I’m pretty sure it was burnt flesh. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve vomited. Buuut… I found what I was looking for! A library!

And those things aren’t following me anymore!

So, there’s nobody here. Like, no staff, no visitors, no nothing. Just endless rows of bookshelves, some light globes, and no obvious way out except through those halls I just escaped from.

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume whoever was here before me is dead. Probably eaten.

Actually, I don’t have to imagine. I can see the carcass. It’s been stripped almost down to the bone!

…

I threw up again. And then I barricaded the door with five bookshelves. Fortunately, that means nothing from the outside can come inside. Unfortunately, that means whatever manner of horrible thing that’s in this library right now is trapped with me.

I should really move quickly. Why am I still not hungry? I haven’t eaten for at least a day now.

…

OK, so one of these books has got to have something about these creatures, right?

Right?

…

…

…

Right?

Author's Note

A/N: So yeah. I’m writing MLP fics now. And honestly, the reason I’m writing this is because I’m pissed off at how Sunset’s reconciliation with Twilight and Celestia was handled. Fuck that shit.

Also, I’m going to ignore canon as hard as fucking possible because a) The only bits of the show I’ve seen are the pilot and the leaked series finale. The rest of my knowledge comes from reading a LOT of fanfiction, and b) IDGAF.

Also, the characters are anthro, cuz I’m shipping trash but I’m not TRASH trash.

Yet