Damnit

That fucking spell blew up in my face again.

I mean, I knew it would be complex. But come the fuck on! I can’t afford to lose much more blood, and this is the third goddamn time it’s blown the room to bits.

It’s to be expected, if I’m being perfectly honest. The records of the spell are hazy as all hell, and most of it is left up to interpretation. I think you’re meant to do some soul searching and get answers from ancient spirits, because I can’t for the life of me figure out why else they would leave it so vague.

‘A pinch of salt’ and ‘a handful of diamond dust’ doesn’t really do me any good when I’m working with shit so volatile it could kill me within seconds of contact.

Goddamnit.

Everything’s vague. There are signs everywhere, but they’re all in some weird fucking dialect of old English. I’ve studied old English before, of course, but a millennium is a long goddamn time, and the natives of this region really changed the speech a lot. I have no idea what most of these words mean. There’s this one spellbook with a title that means different things in different dialects, and I can’t place which one it is. Either it’s a regular book with no spells, a spellbook for kids, or a guide to release an eldritch beast from the depths of Tartarus in order to plunge the world into eternal screaming.

I don’t know which one I’d prefer.

Do you wanna know what spells I’m casting? Probably not! Remember those spells I was looking at? You know, the ones that made you kick me out of the castle because I was going mad with power? Well compared to these, those spells are about as dangerous as a game of peekaboo with a baby.

I mean, I know that by performing magic this dark I’m basically pre-booking my spot in hell.

But to be honest… I don’t care.

…

The ring is acting up. You know, the one the bat people gave me? The one that measures the cycles of the moon?

It either goes a really long time without blinking, or blinks a lot of times really fast. And I don’t know what the fuck is going on.

Let me rephrase that.

I’m not stupid- I have some idea what’s happening here. This place is probably fucking with my sense of time… but I’m not sure what that entails. Is Luna doing something cuz this is her domain? Is it just in my head? Or is it because time is actually passing differently outside the library?

I hate this…

…

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I woke up one day in the fiery pit. I would be more annoyed than anything else.

I mean, let’s be clear here- I have absolutely no fucking idea what I’m doing. Sure, I might be one of the most talented mages of our generation… but this is waaay out of my depth. I mean, there are spells in here that are so goddamn weird…

And of course, let’s not forget all the false positives. I didn’t expect a library of spells to have a joke book, but it does. And I’m ashamed to say I was about halfway through casting one of the spells before I realised it was going to give me a dic

Let’s not talk about that.

…

…

Damnit! I was so close that time too…

…

I need to take a break to make up for all the blood I’ve lost. In the meantime, I’ve been reading a few books; and I found an anatomically correct diagram of those four legged fuckers.

Yup.

So after a bit more research, I found out what they are.

And as far as I can tell, those things are reincarnated corpses.

Basically, they’re zombies.

Yeah.

And most of these books are about dark magic. Like necromancy.

I’d say the connection is pretty obvious.

Still, they’re some pretty advanced spells in here. It’s clear someone spent a large chunk of their life researching this shit. Hey, maybe I could carry on their legacy! That’d be pretty cool, right?

If I don’t die, that is…

…

OK. Last try. I’ll remove some blood, cast the spell one last time, and pray it works. If it doesn’t… I’ll be delirious for a long time. At least, until my blood replenishes. Which… far as I can tell, the plasma should take about two days, and the red blood cells will return over a period of two weeks.

And at the end of all that, I can try again.

Here goes nothing.

…

…

I don’t think you ever truly realised it.
Just how much I looked up to you.
You were my fucking hero.
I loved you.
Remember that time we were stargazing, and I called you something under my breath? And when you asked me what I’d called you, I blushed and said ‘nothing’?

Of course you do.

You never forget.

Do you know what I said?

I’d called you mom.

I wasn’t lying. You were like a mother to me- far more of a mother than that woman who gave birth to me. You built me up from nothing, Celestia. I loved you so fucking much.

No, that’s wrong.

I still love you, Celestia. Nothing’s going to change that.

But at the same time, I can’t bring myself to look at your fucking face without remembering the hell you put me through.

You remember where I came from. You know how competitive I am. You know that I’ve yearned for acceptance since I was a kid. You know that I want nothing more than to fit in.

You knew that I believed that if I had power, everything would be fine.

I wanted to be like you.

But you wouldn’t let me.

And then, as though rubbing dirt into my face, you brought Cadence along and gave her everything I’d ever wanted-

…look.

I don’t know how long I’ve had to ruminate on this. Judging by how much I’ve written in both this journal and the parchment I brought with me, it’s been at least a few weeks. And adding onto those the two years I spent away…

The point is that I get it.

I get why you ascended her.

I get why you didn’t ascend me.

But you didn’t make it easy for me to accept her.

You could’ve done any number of things to make it easier! You could’ve helped me understand! I mean sure, I was stubborn as a fucking bull. And yes, most of this shit was my fault.

But I was fucking sixteen when she waltzed into my life.

You should’ve known better.

Urgh!

She was just so… fucking ditzy! And that’s fine! But-

Okay, I’m guessing I’ll need to break this down to get it through your thick goddamn skull.

When you take two teenagers; one who’s spent years working towards this one goal and still hasn’t got it, and another who did one noble thing and got everything the first one wanted; and put them together and ask them to be friends…

What.

The FUCK.

Did you think was going to happen?

Did you expect me to just roll over and accept it?

Because goddamn, I should’ve. I should’ve just accepted it and moved on.

But I’m saying that from the outside. I’m no longer that little kid, Celestia. You made sure of that when you abandoned me.

I should’ve known better. Absolutely.

But you should’ve known better too.

I made mistakes. And look where mine got me. I’m dying underground, never to see the light of your sun again.

And look where you are.

It isn’t fair.

It isn’t. Fucking. Fair.

…

I like to pretend I got over all this bullshit a long time ago.

Maybe if Aster was still-

No. I’m not going to think like that.

I don’t regret anything. Even how it ended.

…

…writing in this journal is simply bringing all those memories back.

And I hate it.

I hate it so much.

And I wish I could end it.

I wish I could be happy again.

There. I said it.

I’m sorry, Aster. I know you wanted me to be happy… but I just can’t be.

Not after all this stuff’s happened.

I’m so sorry. And I love you.

I love you.

…

So I’m no longer delirious.

But I have no idea how long it’s been either.

Regardless… this is my last try. Either it works… or I die.

…no, not really. I mean, I will die, just not immediately.

This is going to be pretty much the only way I get out of here.

So… here goes nothing.

Author's Note

A/N: Aight I’m pretty sure Twilight wasn’t a princess when the Changelings attacked, but fuck it. Imma go do this shit anyways. Where’s my ‘no prior planning’ gang at?