I Give Up

This shit isn’t going to work.

I guess I should’ve realised it almost immediately, but… nope. Here we are.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this here.

Maybe it’s just because I want somebody to know.

Even if it is… you.

Hey, Celestia, did you ever ask your mom if there was an afterlife?

I want to believe that there is.

I want to believe so bad.

But I can’t.

…

It’s day five (by my admittedly rough estimation), and nothing’s happened.

I’m just going to move on. There are other things in here that need my attention.

…

FUCKING YEAAAAAA!

I finally grew some balls, and decided to go explore some of the offshoot rooms! There are actually a lot of them, but the first door I opened ended up being another hallway infested with those fucking zombies, so I warped it so much that nobody can ever open it again.

The second door led to a wine cellar!

And I don’t have anything better to do than get drunk and cast potentially dangerous spells, so here we fucking are.

Lemme tally how much I’ve drunk. I’ll keep adding to this.

· Wine bottles: 1 2 5
· Vodka: it tastes like shit, so like one sip.

Yeah, I know I’m a lightweight. But seriously, five bottles is a new record for me. Back when me and Aster used to go out drinking, I used to be sick by like the third bottle.

And then we’d fu

…

So I have a huge fucking hangover.

Uuuungh, I hate it.

And there’s no water.

…wait, how am I surviving without food or water?

And why is the moon acting so weird? That ring I’m wearing is flashing like a fucking disco ball. What’s up with Luna?

OH GOD NIGHTMARE NIGHT.

No…

I’m going to sleep this hangover off, and then figure it out.

…

I calculated the flashes of the ring. Unless this thing is broken, I’ve spent at least a few years down here.

I know that sounds insane, but hear me out.

I found some old curtains (don’t ask- there aren’t any windows, so I don’t know what they needed curtains for) and I fashioned a few differently-sized wheels out of some cardboard I found lying around. Basically, I made a rudimentary tensioned pulley system.

That’s right. A rudimentary tensioned pulley system. With like a flywheel and all, to make sure everything moves constantly, and that none of the inertia is wasted. Then I put a book next to the slowest wheel, and stuck a small flap of laminated paper onto one of the the spokes.

Then I set it up on top of a bookshelf. It’s weird, but it works. I’ve attached a diagram.

How does it function? Well, all you need to do is put some books into the saddlebags on either side until they’re equally balanced. Then you take one extra book, and put it on one side.

The entire thing starts drooping to one side, and after it passes a marker I made halfway up the bookshelf, I remove the extra book and levitate it over to the other saddlebag. That way, when it returns to the normal height, one cycle has been completed, and if I desire, I can start it over again.

I measure the cycles using my pulse as a timer. Every time one rotation is completed, the paper hits the book and makes a sound. I try to see how long it takes for one cycle to complete, and then extrapolate from there.

So I tested it a bit. And finally, I settled in for a long wait, keeping the ring handy.

In approximately two hours, the moon underwent half a cycle. I’m not entirely certain, but I’m pretty sure that’s an entire fortnight right there.

Then I tried it again later, and time went by as slowly as it normally does.

So I don’t think time is moving constantly here. Sometimes, it speeds up a lot, and other times, it doesn’t. And sometimes (though it may just be a trick of my mind) it moves excruciatingly slowly.

So yeah.

At least it explains why I don’t need any food down here. If someone put an enchantment on this place to make time run differently, they probably kept a basic sustenance spell running in case it fucked up.

Like its doing right now.

Also, I found a pretty interesting book in here somewhere. It’s called Starswirl the Enchantress- an Autobiography. I’m not sure if she’s a Siberian ripoff of Starswirl the Bearded or something, but I might as well read it- if only for shits and giggles.

…

I think I figured it out!

It’s hard to describe, but that fake autobiography pointed me to a book that fucking nailed it-as it turns out, you can’t cast your magic regularly when you’re working with spells as dark as this! You have to… I don’t know, kinda flick it?

You know what I mean, I’m sure. You’ve dabbled in the dark arts before.

Goddamn, this book is a treasure trove of information!

I’m going to finish it.

And then I’m going to go back to that autobiography and finish that too. It’d be great if I could prepare for all eventualities.

…

…

Celestia.

…

Oh my fucking god.

…I’m slow clapping for you, Celestia. You drove one of the most brilliant minds in generations away from Equestria forever.

And no, I’m not talking about me.

I’m talking about Starswirl the Bearded. You know, your former student? The one who disappeared while researching weird shit? The very same one who was in a relationship with Luna?

You never mentioned that last one.

You also neglected to mention the fact that Starswirl was a girl. And that before she became a powerful mage under your tutelage, she used to go by Starswirl the Enchantress.

Can’t imagine why that’d slip your mind!

Like holy shit, that wasn’t even her real facial hair! It was a ruse, so if she wanted to disappear, she could. Clever of her, honestly. Making that beard such a large part of your personality that it’s a part of your name, and then just straight up ditching it and disappearing.

You’re probably sweating bullets, wondering how I know all this shit.

That autobiography had it all in there. I can’t even fucking pretend that she’s lying, because the book has so much stuff about you and the castle and Canterlot and especially Luna in it that it probably rivals the shit in the royal archives.

…

Do you know where she went, Celestia?

I do.

…

Have you been wondering why so much of this library is dedicated to the Lunar Arts?

It’s because she was the curator.

Starswirl was the curator of a Siberian library with a whole wealth of information on Luna.

This entire complex was her research base for almost three hundred years, until she died and the forest grew around it. She was researching what caused Luna to go insane, so she could get her lover back.

I’m guessing you didn’t know that.

Or you did, and were just a cold-hearted bitch.

I mean, at least it explains the weird time dilation. That sort of magic is really fickle, and if you leave it alone for like seven hundred years, it’s bound to go a bit wonky. And of course Starswirl would use something like this. She had the magic, and she wanted to maximise the time she had left with Luna.

She wrote her autobiography and left it here, you know. I’m kind of ashamed it took me this long to figure it out.

Those zombies are guarding the premises from people.

Actually, they’re not even zombies! They’re fucking illusions. And so is the smell of burnt flesh, and so are the carcasses, and basically everything outside this room is an illusion.

Damnit.

Usually, they scare the living crap out of whoever comes inside, and then let them escape. However, the magic has faded over the years, so I was able to get to the library (mostly) unharmed.

It’s ironic.

Starswirl suspected you knew of a way to free Luna and bring her back to her original state, and that you just weren’t telling anybody. So she spent years of her life pioneering new spells, trying to get her Luna back.

And now she’s gone. And now I’m trapped here, trying to do the same thing.

…

Did you ever wonder why Nightmare Moon stopped showing up in people’s nightmares on Nightmare Night? After all, it was the day on each year that she was the strongest.

I’ll tell you exactly fucking why.

It’s because Nightmare Moon learned her lesson about six months into captivity.

Let that sink in, you fucking cunt.

Six. Months.

And she spent the next three hundred years gathering up all her energy, often bringing herself to the brink of death… just so she and Starswirl could be together in their dreams. For one night every year.

Each and every visit is extensively documented in her autobiography. And it’s fucking heartbreaking.

They loved each other.

And now it’s been seven hundred years since Starswirl passed away.

Seven hundred years she’s spent completely alone up there.

I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t revert back to Nightmare Moon once you set her free. Do you know what seven hundred years of captivity can do to a person? After they’ve only been able to see their lover for one night a year for three hundred years?

You’ll find out soon.

…

Now that I think about it, that’s why Starswirl the Bearded disappeared, right?

She knew what you’d done.

And she despised you for it.

I know it’s why she disappeared.

Because the book I’m reading was authored by her.

And so were most of the others in this fucking library.

…

Stewing in my hatred of you like this is not fucking helping.

I’ve finally finished the biography, and I think I’m ready to try again.

Here goes nothing.

…

Wait before I start FUCK YOU-

…

…

…

I give up.

I tried so hard, but it just refuses to work on me.

So I give up.

I, Sunset Shimmer, give up.

Godfuckingdamnit.

wait no it fucking worked

…

it finally worked.
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that’s pretty cool.

Author's Note

Y U NO APPROVE THE GODDAMN STORY