Maybe…

lol guess what bitch

im not dead

yeaaaaah

time for more alcohol imma have fuuun

…

…

Okay, as it turns out the stuff they have down in the wine cellar is waaaay stronger than I anticipated.

Either that, or bat people can’t hold their alcohol as well as regular people.

Yeah, that’s right.

I’m part bat now.

It’s pretty cool. The wings aren’t all they’re hyped up to be, but I personally think I look like a fuckin badass. I had to absolutely mutilate that shitty ass cloak I keep wearing to let the wings poke through, but it was worth it.

Remind me to buy a black leather jacket once I get out of here. It’s totally my colour.

And there are other advantages too. I’m freakishly good at climbing things now and even tried sleeping upside down (it’s pretty comfy), I can see way better in the dark, I’m more resilient to the cold, and I can fucking FLY.

That last one’s only useful once I get out of this pit, though.

Pretty much the only problem I have with being part bat is that it changed my hair.

I actually can’t even recognise my hair anymore. It’s fucking weird; it’s like it went from being all frizzled and humongous and gravity defying to being flat and smooth overnight. Granted, this is what it was like before I left home, so maybe that’s why…

I don’t know. I just don’t like it.

My old hair was better.

Anyways, now that the same length of hair is straight, it’s way longer, and that gets in the way. So I cut it. Now my hair comes down to just below my ears, and constantly gets in my eyes.

Only one question left to answer.

What the fuck happened?

…

Okay, so I think I had to go through an entire lunar cycle down here in order for the spell to fully work. That kinda makes sense, right?

Don’t know why my hair’s like this, though. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing? Or maybe frizzy hair interferes with echolocation or some shit.

I guess it doesn’t really matter, in the long run.

…

I’m learning more and more dark magic, and I’m fucking loving it. As it turns out, being part bat makes casting spells like this easier. Basically all I need to do now is keep practicing until I finally become an expert on this shit.

It’s fascinating. I don’t even care that I’m never going to get out!

…

I just shotgunned an entire bottle of vodka.

Holy fucking shit.

I’m proud.

…

Another bottle.

…

Goddamn, I need to stop drinking so much.

…

ive noticed something
nothing matters
absolutely nothing matters
so why even try

…

…

…

I need to stop drinking.

That’s a fact.

I’m warping the door to the wine cellar shut. I don’t need any more distractions from what I’m trying to do. Especially since I seem to become a lot more… pessimistic while I’m drunk.

Onwards!

…

Alright, I underestimated Starswirl.

As it turns out, she realised that with Luna gone, children wouldn’t be protected from nightmares in the dream realm. Sooooo… she worked with Luna to try and make a spell that would allow pretty much anybody to access it.

And rest assured, it was hidden really fucking well. But even by my rough estimates, I’d say I’ve been here at least half a year; I know this place like the back of my own hand.

So I found it.

And I’m going to go ahead and try it. It’s hard, but let’s be honest- do I have anything better to do down here? There’s only so much dark magic to learn.

Wish me luck!

…

IT WORKED!

…

Alright, as it turns out, stopping nightmares is a biiit of a full-time job. I don’t have any time to relax; I spend my days learning new magic, and my nights protecting kids and adults from bad dreams.

Also, did you know that it was possible for bat people to have wet dreams?

I wish I didn’t. But I have… irrefutable proof.

One of my friends from that village was having a nightmare, and in my effort to stop it… I kinda overshot and made it a sex thing. I mean, at least he was happy.

Anyways, after he was done I approached him and told him what had happened.

…I’ve never seen anybody blush that hard before.

So anyways. The bat people know where I am now! That’s nice, innit?

More spells time!

…

You know, these wings feel really goddamn weird. They’re all leathery, and cool, and they’re sensitive in some places and not sensitive in others…

…

So did you know that Starswirl and Luna had a ménage a trois with an exotic creature called a badal pakshi?

I fucking wish I was making this up.

Oh god, I thought the story was god-tier shitposting- especially considering the state of the book I found it in- but it wasn’t.

Alright, lemme go into detail. There are these weird creatures that are called… well, I’m not sure how to translate it into English, because it literally translates to ‘change creature’, and the only reason I know that is because Aster knew the language this is written in and taught me the basics and it’s mostly instinct and it’s actually pretty interesting-

I’m rambling. OK, the book calls them badal pakshi. That looks weird and sounds weirder, because you need to pronounce the ‘a’s like ‘uhhh’s and the ‘I’ like an ‘e’ and you need to say the middle part really quickly otherwise it sounds weird and translates to ‘cloud creatures’ which are completely different-

Rambling again. I should probably point out that this language they’re talking about is almost entirely phonetic. Including the letters; they have 46, and each of them has a distinctive sound. Like, there’s a different letter for the long ‘eee’ and the short ‘eh’ (we just have ‘e’), a different letter for ‘o’ and ‘oooh’ (you get the point).

By comparison, English is a fucking weird language because you have no idea how to enunciate the letters in a word. We need to come up with letters for short and long vowel sounds like these guys have so we make things easier for everybody. They’re ahead of their fucking times.

Regardless. Apparently, the badal pakshi are insectoids that originated in the southeast of this continent and… they feed off emotions. However, they’ve got entire symbiotic relationships with other civilizations going on and are actually just as intelligent as the average human… so it’s cool. Granted, this is a thousand years outdated, so they might’ve become evil. Don’t know, don’t care. The only reason I picked this up was to see if Starswirl made any notes on replicating their shapeshifting abilities.

Like, wouldn’t that be cool?

Still, I wish I didn’t know so much about their anatomy. They can change shape, but when Starswirl and Luna contacted this particular one (his name was ‘Aandhi’; use the aforementioned pronunciation)… they wanted the ‘authentic’ experience.

So… yeah.

This is terrifying.

The only reason I’m ever reading this is because I’m holding out hope that there’s fucking something in here about replicating this magic. The most useful info I’ve gotten is that it’s useless trying to identify their magical signature, because they have basically the same magic as normal people; it’s just that their hive mindset ends up training them to change shapes from childhood.

Other info… alright, so they’re capable of ejecting genetic packages despite the fact that they only have one queen that lays eggs… and apparently those packages taste ‘remarkably sweet’.

why the fuck am I doing this to myself

why am I subjecting myself to this.

…

I took a break, mulled over it for a long time, and dove back in. If it’s any consolidation, I’m going to be regaling most of the important details to you too.

If I suffer, you suffer with me!

Alright, so apparently Luna’s favourite position is the reverse cowgirl and Starswirl is a big fan of motorboating and Aandhi has a thing for horns…

…

I found it. I found a way to give myself the ability to shapeshift. It’s hard to explain (fucking shocker) but if I play my cards right… I can alter my magical reservoirs’ composition to make it more suited to shapeshifting. I’ll be giving up some magical prowess, but let’s be honest- I can spare it.

There are only two downsides. One, by altering my magical reservoirs, I’ll be changing the part of my body they’re stored in. And since my magical reservoirs are stored in my hands and horns…

Yeah, they’re going to grow chitin and (I think) develop holes. It isn’t really clear.

And secondly, the spell requires some more blood on my part.

Goddamn, why does every single cool spell in here require my fucking blood.

Anyways, I’m going to go extract it. I’ll be delirious for a few hours, so have fun ignoring me!

…

damn Luna’s hot but Starswirl is hotter

I want some of that big pakshi coc

So I’ve been pent up in here for a long time. Just pretend you never saw those two lines. Please. It’s better that way.

The good news is… the spell worked! I now have the ability to shapeshift.

Granted, it’s pretty fucking weak, I get massive headaches anytime I try it, and the magic itself feels slippery… like, you know when you’re in the shower and you accidentally squeeze the bar of soap too tight and it fucking flies off and you’re trying to catch it before it falls to the ground but it keeps slipping?

Yea that’s what it feels like. I can’t even change into something cool- I tried making my hair frizzy again, and it threw me for such a huge fucking spin that I spent an hour retching up the meagre contents of my stomach.

I even tried removing all my runes and trying it then, just in case they were interfering. Nope.

Still, I’m pretty sure that it’s just a steep learning curve. I’ll get better with time.

Speaking of time, it should take around one week for my arms to completely be replaced by holey chitin. That ought to be a fun look.

It’s ironic. A few years ago, I would’ve died to get my hands on something like this… cuz I wanted power, or the throne or some shit. Now I’m trying it because I’m bored and have nothing better to do.

…

My chitin arms developed! They’re fucking awesome! I’d talk more, but I’m too busy using them. They’re so light and flexible and manoeuvrable and sensitive-

…

So I’m pretty sure you guys fucked something up.

Because today, my ring went from black to light blue.

Which would be great news. I mean, Nightmare Moon is no more!

Except Luna’s colour is supposed to be navy blue. Not light blue.

That can’t be good.

…

I met Luna today.

In dreamland.

Well, ‘met’ is a strong word. I basically hid in some dreams and watched her. And...

Goddamnit.

This…

…I think you might’ve genuinely broken her, Celestia. The two of you were supposed to be equals… but I can almost feel how much weaker than you she is.

And I don’t even think her level of power has decreased. I think… I think it’s her self-worth that’s gone down. She thinks of herself as your inferior.

Fuck you, Celestia.

Damn. Those words are really losing their punch, considering how often I say them to you.

Actually, ‘say this to you’ is a stretch. I’m pretty sure you don’t even read this thing. I’m banking on you not reading it, in fact- I just use it to vent.

Ah well. Beggars can’t be choosers. otherwise I would’ve chosen death

Point is, I’ll still need to patrol the dream realm. Luna’s awesome (she did a way better job at getting the kids around these parts to calm down than I could’ve done) but she’s weaker, and needs more rest.

One last time: fuck you, Celestia.

…

I realised that this means Nightmare Night has come and gone.

Except the night Luna was supposed to get free was almost seven or eight years out from when I entered this library.

…hoooly shit. The time spell fucked up. I mean, I haven’t spent more than six months down here in real time; I’m certain of that.

So once I realised the implications, I realised that I can’t just fucking sit here and do nothing. As much as I fucking hate them, I’d like to see my parents at least once before they die.

So right now I’m trying to fix the time spell, and keeping a close eye on the ring. It’s my only reliable way of keeping time for now.

…

Okay, so I think I managed to fix the time spell.

Actually, lemme rephrase that.

I broke the fuckin time spell for good.

Yeah, it was completely useless, and I’ve decided that if I can’t fix it, I’ll just have to dismantle it completely.

So I did.

And now time is moving regularly. Sure, just before I fixed the spell it went a bit haywire and the ring flashed really fast… but I’m just going to assume it’s all fine. Ignorance is fucking bliss, amirite?

So now I get to stay down here, learning all that I can about magic and developing my abilities, and I’m pretty sure everybody I once knew will still be alive once I emerge!

This ought to be fun.

…

The snow swirled in eddies and whorls. It fell haphazardly from the greying sky, either settling on the branches of the leafless trees or blanketing the ground. It flew in all directions; sideways, in circles, sometimes upwards if there were drafts…

It was pure, unadulterated chaos. In fact, the world was so alien that it almost seemed monochromatic- just a mess of greys and blacks and whites.

But amongst it all… there was an anchor.

A figure dressed in a lavender coat halted near a dead tree, removing her heavy hood as she panted. Dropping her saddlebags with the air of a weary traveller who just wanted to go to bed, she pushed her hair behind her ear and revised the map she had gotten from the bat people.

And then she snapped it shut.

“Finally!” she declared to nobody in particular, taking in the dark obsidian ruins; towering cinderblocks, cracked and faded visages of brilliant times long gone, and an almost illegible inscription declaring the area the ‘realm of Princess Luna.’

“I’ve found it.”

Stumbling closer to the remains of the library, Twilight reflected on everything that had had to have gone right to bring her here.

…it was a long list.

She only hoped Celestia didn’t find out what she was doing. Or at least… that she only found out once it was too late.

A particularly tall tower heaved into view, and she adjusted her trajectory to approach it. If the bat people were correct, this was the entrance to the long-forgotten library.

This was where she would find Sunset Shimmer.

Pausing at the doorway, she turned around and took in the outdoors. It was hauntingly beautiful… almost a perfect balance between life and death.

Inhaling deeply, letting the freezing air burn her lungs, she stepped into the tower.

The door closed behind her.

And as her magic flared into life, revealing the dark walls and the terrifying creatures limping towards her… her violet eyes twinkled.

Let’s do this.

Author's Note

A/N: A Collection of Papers on the Futility of Trying has finally been approved! Now if only I knew where to go with the plot.

FYI that's just snark. I know what I'm doing (mostly). Leave suggestions anyways, and remember- no idea is a stupid idea. If you're hesitating before writing a scenario down because it's too batshit crazy... that just means you should totally write it down.
peace lads.