Friendship is Manic

“Am I dreaming?” Spike asked. “Is this some kind of - Gah! - ironic nightmare?”

“How could this be a nightmare?” Twilight asked, one of his legs propped up onto his overnight travel pack, a hand gripping the railings of the sky-chariot, his other held above his brow as he eagerly scanned the horizon for their approaching destination. “The world might be about to end, and I was right about it! This is the greatest day of my life!”

“How can you not see how this is a - Gah! - bad thing?!” Spike asked. “And stop striking that - Gah! - ‘bold adventurer’ pose!”

“Can’t you be happy for me, that I’m right, and that now I am finally a bold adventurer?” Twilight asked, breaking from his pose for a brief moment to look back at Spike.

Spike was barely held in place next to his own travel bag by a tied sash of finest silks. Every bump of air turbulence sent him bouncing briefly into the air with a gasp of flame, only to be caught by the safety strap and yanked back to the chariot’s metal floor. Based on how Spike was cradling his stomach, Twilight feared fire might not be the only thing Spike let loose before they landed.

“I thought you were a scholar,” Spike said, managing a small smirk. “Besides, doesn’t this all seem - Gah! - a little fishy to you? Princess Celestia practically sent you a reply the moment you - Gah! - mentioned Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony to her. She had the sky-chariot waiting for you when you went to ask her for transportation.”

“We have been waiting for this day for quite a while,” one of the pegasus royal guards called back from in front of the sky-chariot. “My buddy here bet me you’d never figure it out. So... Thanks for helping me win fifty bits, kid.”

“Quiet!” the other royal guard snorted. “You’re not supposed to tell him that!”

“Exactly, Princess Celestia said she was waiting for me to figure it out,” Twilight said to Spike. “See? They just confirmed it. And I did find it out, all on my own.”

“I don’t know...” Spike mumbled. “Something still doesn’t feel - Gah! - right about this.”

“Come on, Spike,” Twilight chuckled. “Where’s your spirit of adventure? I’m about to save the world, unite a new era of heroes, and make Equestrian history, and you’ll be along for the ride! Future generations will sing of our greatness, Twilight the Brilliant and Spike the... Um... Helpful Assistant!”

Twilight didn’t have to turn around to feel Spike’s half-lidded glare on the back of his mane.

“We’ll come up with a better heroic name for you later,” Twilight added. “For now, let’s ride into our destinies, a song in our hearts, our minds sharp, our courage unmatched, our -- Gah!”

Twilight was abruptly interrupted by a slurry of molten dragon vomit splashing against the back of his head.

“Sorry, Twilight the Brilliant,” Spike managed to say, his voice hoarse.

“Spike!” Twilight gasped. “That’s disgusting. And... Why is it so hot?!”

Rifling through his travel bag, Twilight pulled out a towel and dried the steaming gunk from his mane as best he could. It took him a good long while to wipe up the sticky grime, but at least the vigorous drying also allowed Twilight an excuse to use the towel to cover his ears from the guard’s laughter.

Soon thereafter, but not soon enough for Twilight’s liking, the sky-chariot touched down outside the small town bordering the Everfree Forest. Bidding the royal guards a safe and swift return to Canterlot and trying to ignore their thinly-veiled snorts and snickers, Twilight slung his bag over his shoulder and headed into town.

“Why didn’t we go straight to the Everfree Forest?” Spike asked, keeping pace as best he could and still holding his stomach, but looking significantly less queasy. “And I’m sorry about throwing up on you, okay? You know I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, Spike, and I forgive you... Please try to aim somewhere else next time, though?” Twilight sighed with a small smile. “Also, Princess Celestia said to recruit some other champions on our quest for the Elements. We need to find the noblest souls this town has to offer. What’s this town called again, Spike? Oh, right, Pony Town. Not the most scientific or heroic of names, but it has a certain rustic charm to it.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Spike said. “First of all, it’s called Ponyville. Second, you’re actually going to interact with other ponies for once? Talk to them? Engage in normal social behavior?”

“Talking to other ponies isn’t difficult, Spike, especially when the fate of Equestria is at stake,” Twilight huffed. “I usually don’t because I’m busy with my studies. I can, but I choose not to.”

“...Really?” Spike said flatly.

“Come on, Spike, I’m not an antisocial hermit,” Twilight said as they entered Ponyville’s central plaza. “Here, I’ll prove it to you.”

Twilight scanned the open air marketplace that took up most of the plaza, full of all manner of ponies. Few of them were dressed with the refined luxury of Canterlot’s upper class, most wearing common townsfolk wear. Some walked about in muddy boots, flannel, and farmer’s overalls, others still wearing aprons and chef hats over more standard clothes as they fixed up food at their market stalls for waiting customers.

One chef in particular was headed in Twilight and Spike’s general direction, skipping rather than walking, yet somehow still perfectly balancing a tray of cupcakes. A slightly hefty pink earth pony stallion, he whistled a merry tune, his voluminous fluff of a curly mane barely contained beneath his chef hat. The rest of his chef’s smock was covered in so many icing stains that it looked more like an exploded rainbow than white fabric.

“Hello,” Twilight said, waving in greeting.

The pink stallion turned his head, his cheery smile disappearing instantly as his already large blue eyes widened all the more, scanning Twilight up and down.

“My name is--” Twilight managed to say, taking a nervous step backward before the pink stallion leapt into the air higher than should of been possible for a non-pegasus pony, letting out a screech that stung Twilight’s ears to hear.

Your sanity would serve as a scrumptious sweetener on the sugary snow cone of sacrifice.

“What?!” Twilight gasped, but the pink stallion had already landed and galloped off. “What was that?”

“My point,” Spike said with a smug grin. “I’m not really sure how, but yes, that proves my point exactly.”

“No, but didn’t you hear...” Twilight began, glancing at Spike in confusion. “You know what? Never mind. There’s at least one crazy pony in ever town. There’s got to be other potential champions to recruit for our quest.”

“I can’t wait to meet them,” Spike said with a grin all the wider. “In all honesty, though, this is a good thing. It’s high time you talked to some people who aren’t me. I’m glad to be your number one assistant and all, Twilight, but there’s more to life than studying and listening to my sarcasm.”

“I could do with significantly less of the latter,” Twilight mumbled. “Fine, let’s go.”

Marching further into the thick throng of market-going ponies, with a little more stomp in his step than before, Twilight kept his eyes peeled for anypony that looked even slightly heroic. His eyes widened and his face lit up with a grin as he spotted a hulking mountain of a crimson stallion across the crowd, currently unloading barrels from a cart two at a time.

“A party of heroes always needs somepony big and strong,” Twilight said, pointing out the huge stallion to Spike. “Come on, let’s go get us a heavy, or maybe a berserker.”

“Real life does not follow fantasy game rules,” Spike mumbled, but followed anyway. “I suppose if we are going into the Everfree Forest, though, it’d help to have somepony who can hold their own.”

Finally popping out of the other side of the crowd, Twilight strode up to the towering stallion’s market stall. The stall was little more than a wooden table and a handmade sign proclaiming ‘Sweet Apple Acres! Finest Apples in Ponyville.’

“Greetings, good sir,” Twilight called to the red stallion. “I was wondering if I might interest you in a grand proposition.”

The crimson stallion set down his final load of apple barrels and turned to face them, wiping sweat from his brow. He was even more intimidating up close, wearing nothing but well-worn farmhand trousers. His torso may as well have been chiseled from rock.

“Applejack handles the business side a’things,” the red stallion said, his voice the deepest Twilight had ever heard. “If ya want ta work out a bulk order, Ah’ll call ‘im over for ya.”

“No, that’s quite alright, good sir,” Twilight started to say. “You see, my companion and I--”

“APPLEJACK!” the stallion roared over his shoulder, the sonic shockwave of his booming voice nearly shaking Twilight’s skeleton out of place. “WE GOT A BIG ORDER!”

“Ah’m a-comin’!” called a close, but not quite-as-deep voice with an equally thick accent.

A column of the wall of apple barrels the crimson stallion had unloaded rose into the air, a bright orange earth pony stallion slipping under the stack before carefully setting it all back down. He was almost, but not quite, as tall and muscular as the crimson earth pony. Whereas the red stallion wore little more than his trousers, though, the newcomer might as well have stepped out of an old sepia-tone western film, or a gunslinger’s duel at Appleoosa.

Other than possessing the physique of a rugged western gunslinger, though, he certainly dressed like an Apple Wood star playing just such a role. With a wide-brimmed stetson, a fringe-laden vest, tall boots with spurs, and enough straps, buckles, and pockets to put a duffel bag to shame, Twilight flinched as the orange stallion suddenly leaned forward, swiping something out from what looked like a holster at his hip.

“Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres, pleased ta meet ya!” the orange stallion said, thankfully only grabbing Twilight by the hand and giving him a vigorous shaking. “Big Mac says ya might be interested in a big order? That’s just grand ta hear! How many apple barrels should Ah put ya down fer?”

“No, no, I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” Twilight said, rubbing his sore hand when he finally freed it from Applejack's death grip to see that he’d been slipped a business card for the farm during the handshake. “You see, I was going to ask your coworker here--Big Mac, was it?--if he might be interested in a grand adventure.”

“Ah, shucks,” chuckled Applejack. “Big Mac here is mah older brother. Sweet Apple Acres is a family farm, through and through. And an adventure, ya say? What kinda adventure?”

“The most epic of adventures,” Twilight said, grinning excitedly. “In fact, why don’t you both come? You look pretty strong as well, and we'll need ponies who face deadly foes and eldritch monsters alike. The fate of Equestria may be at stake. You see, my name is Twilight Sparkle, apprentice to her royal majesty Princess Celestia, who has charged me with saving the world from the impending wrath of a vengeful manifestation darkness. I need the noblest and strongest ponies I can find to band together, brave the perils of the Everfree Forest, locate a lost magical treasure, and... What?”

Twilight stopped when he saw the look Applejack was giving him.

“...Right,” Applejack said with a bit of a nervous chuckle. “Ya wouldn’t happen ta be one of Pinkie Pie’s friends, would ya?”

“Who?” Twilight asked.

“Pink chef guy?” Applejack elaborated. “Kinda chubby? Heart of gold? Oddly spooky?”

“Spooky?” Spike echoed.

“We ran into a pony like that on the way over here, but no, I am not acquainted with this ‘Pinkie Guy’,” Twilight said. “Now, about that impending doom and glorious destiny I’m offering you and your brother--”

“Pinkie Pie,” Applejack corrected. “Thank ya kindly for the offer, but we’ll have ta pass. Got a full day ahead of us sellin’ apples for the farm. Thanks for stoppin’ by, though!”

“...You heard me when I said the fate of Equestria may be at stake, right?” Twilight asked.

“Yup,” said Big Mac.

“...But you don’t believe me,” Twilight sighed.

“Nope,” Big Mac said.

“To be perfectly honest, ya sound right plum crazier than a jackrabbit juking it out with a jellyfish in July,” Applejack added. “No offense.”

“What?” Twilight and Spike both asked in unison.

“Here, take an apple fer the road,” Applejack said with a bit of a crooked smile, though not unkindly. “On the house. Good luck with yer adventure and your mental health!”

He tossed a ripe red apple to Twilight, who caught it, thanked them both for their time, and stormed back into the crowd.

“I don’t believe this,” Twilight groaned to Spike, collapsing onto a park bench in the midst of the plaza. “They're not taking me seriously!"

“I thought you’d be used to that by now,” Spike said. “Princess Celestia did say you had to figure things out on your own, and that she couldn’t just tell you. I guess you’ll have to convince people to join you on your own, too. Good thing you know how to talk to ponies and all like you said, right?”

“That’s only two ponies to turn us down,” Twilight said. “We can’t give up yet. I just need to work on how I phrase it. Surely there’s other ponies who would be honored to join a noble cause.”

“You’re starting to sound like one of Celestia’s charity drive speeches,” Spike chuckled. “But fair enough. Who else looks hero-ish?”

“Maybe we should shelve strength for now,” Twilight thought aloud. “A party also needs a rogue, or a thief, or an archer, someone with speed and agility, and perhaps a bit of roguish charm.”

“Real life still doesn’t follow fantasy game rules,” Spike said. “But why not get both speed and strength?”

“Who could possibly have both?” Twilight asked, following Spike’s finger to a massive mountain of muscle that put Big Mac and Applejack to shame several times over.

A short ways away from them both hovered a colossal pegasus stallion, covered in a thin white coat barely constraining muscles upon muscles upon muscles. His wings were positively puny compared to the rest of him and would have been small even for a more average-sized pegasus, but they flapped hard and kept him aloft all the same. He was currently facing away from them, flexing and moving in an animated fashion, as if talking to somepony they couldn’t see.

“Spike, you’re a genius,” Twilight said with a grin, hopping up and rushing over to the humongous stallion.

“Of course I can fly, see?!” the white stallion bellowed at whomever he was talking to. “But who needs wing power when you have firepower like this? I can fly by punching down the air if I want. I can punch the 'flying' itself so hard that nopony else can fly. If I move my fist fast enough, I could punch through the sound barrier!”

“Yeah, real impressive, pal,” spoke a scratchy voice from the other side of the stallion. “But take it from somepony who’s gone all the way through the sound barrier--speed beats brawn every time.”

“Excuse me, sir,” Twilight greeted, only to fall backwards to the ground as the huge stallion whirled around on him.

“Can’t you see I’m talking up this hot chick?!” the stallion roared. “But hey, you’re a pretty hot chick yourself. Don’t worry, ladies, there’s enough of Bulk Biceps for everypony.”

“What?!” Twilight gasped, standing back up and dusting himself off. “Sir, I assure you, I am not a lady.”

“You’re scrawny like one,” said the stallion, supposedly Bulk Biceps.

“First of all, not all ladies are scrawny,” Twilight said. “Secondly, I’m not that scrawny. Thirdly, I’m here to offer you the proposition of a lifetime. You see--”

“A proposition?!” Bulk bellowed, a huge grin splitting his face. “Two chicks in one day?! At the same time?! Bulk likes that idea!”

“I’m not a chick, either,” said that same scratchy voice. “Is that what was happening here? You were trying to hit on me? I thought we were arguing over who was the tougher pegasus.”

Out from the other side of the mountain of muscle that was Bulk Biceps stepped a diminutive, sky-blue pegasus stallion, at least a head and a half shorter than Twilight. Bulk looked easily twice the blue pegasus’ height, and yet the blue pegasus looked more annoyed at the larger pony than anything.

Nevertheless, Twilight saw a bit of why Bulk may have confused the blue pegasus for a mare, at least at first glance. His rainbow-hued mane and tail were a bit longer than those of most stallions, and though his physique was toned and athletic, he was also undeniably small, and not just in height. What he lacked in the size of his body, though, he made up for in feathers, possessing perhaps the largest wings Twilight had seen compared to the pony to which they were attached. That, combined with the tight jeans, plain gray hoodie, and total lack of any other ornamentation, made it look like the pegasus was a combination of extremes attempting to cancel each other out.

“Of course you’re both chicks,” Bulk said with a roll of his eyes, as if explaining something to someone struggling to grasp the most basic of concepts. “You’re both scrawny, you don’t look manly, and you’re talking to me. That must mean you’re chicks!”

“I have a beard!” Twilight said with a scowl. “Okay, it’s not very big, but I work hard on styling this every morning.”

“Don’t look manly?!” the blue pegasus echoed with an equally dour scowl. “I’m more of a man than you’ll ever be. You may have muscles for brains, but I have the skills, the finesse. I could fly faster than you could punch any day.”

“Prove it,” Bulk Biceps dared, balling his hand into a fist. “I’ll feed this purple chick--guy--whatever--a knuckle sandwich before you can flap your wings!”

“You’re on!” the blue pegasus retorted.

“I do not consent to this!” Twilight yelped, shutting his eyes tight as he saw Bulk’s fist racing towards him, not having enough time to duck, to put up his own hands in defense, or to try sparking up his aching horn.

“Ha!” laughed the scratchy voice of the blue pegasus. “Told you I was faster!”

“This proves nothing!” shouted Bulk Biceps, though faintly, as if he was suddenly far away.

Risking a peek, Twilight opened his eyes to see that had somehow been transported to the other side of the plaza. The blue pegasus released his grip on Twilight’s arms, his touch so light Twilight hadn't noticed it was there.

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked. “What just happened?”

“I saved your life,” the blue pegasus said with a smug grin. “No need to thank me. I’m Rainbow Dash, by the way. Thanks for helping me prove speed beats brawn to muscles-for-brains back there.”

“You’re welcome,” Twilight said, looking from across the plaza to where they both now stood, back again, then again, and again once more. “That was almost instantaneous. How fast are you?”

“The fastest there is,” Rainbow Dash said, clearly enjoying Twilight’s incredulity. “Anyways, it was nice meeting you, but I better grab some cider before Applejack runs out. I’ll see you around, I hope?”

“Yes, actually,” Twilight said, daring to hope he may have found his first stroke of good luck in this quest. “I’m looking for a few brave souls to, uh, help me find a treasure in the heart of the Everfree Forest. We’d split the findings evenly amongst us. Might you be interested?”

“Sure, that sounds awesome,” Rainbow Dash said without a second thought. “Hey, why don’t you grab my pal Pinkie Pie? He’s always up for a good adventure, and he works in Sugarcube Corner, right over there. I’ll swing by in a bit with cider for all of us.”

“Perfect,” Twilight said as Rainbow took wing and zoomed off. “Maybe this won’t be so hard after all. But, he said Pinkie Pie... That weird guy?”

“Twilight!” Spike’s voice called from the crowd, and a moment later, Spike himself plopped out from the throng of ponies, looking rather out of breath. “Don’t leave me behind like that! That bulky guy tried to sell me a bunch of ‘muscle-enhancing herbal supplements.' Freaked me out.”

“He tried to pound me into dust,” Twilight chuckled. “I’d say you got the better deal. Even better, though, I just recruited our first hero!”

“You did?” Spike asked. “This day is just one surprise after another, isn’t it?”

“Speaking of which, he asked me to ask his friend to join us,” Twilight added, heading towards the building Rainbow Dash had pointed out, Spike hurrying to keep up. “I’ll admit I’m less certain about whoever this ‘Pinkie Pie’ fellow is.”

“The spooky chef?” Spike asked as they entered the building marked ‘Sugarcube Corner,’ a large bakery, the door closing shut behind them.

Before Twilight could reply, the room went dark. All windows shut at once, seemingly of their own accord. An ominous chorus of whispers erupted from the darkness. The sweet smells of the bakery mixed with another, far more foul odor.

Welcome to the infernal furnace of fudge and frosting and faceless feral forms forever feasting.

“Twilight, I want to go home,” Spike whispered.

“Twilight?” asked a new, chipper voice, sounding as if they spoke directly in Twilight’s ear.

Twilight screamed, and all at once, the lights came back on. The pink stallion, Pinkie Pie, stood before them both, holding a cake on a tray.

“You’re here early,” Pinkie Pie said with a friendly smile. “I wasn’t expecting you both until later, but it’s nice to see you again. Your welcome cake isn’t ready just yet.”

Twilight and Spike simply stared at Pinkie, the breaths feeling frozen in their throats.

“What?” Pinkie chuckled. “Is it the red on my apron? It’s icing, I promise.”

“What was all of that with the darkness and the creepy voices?!” Spike gasped.

“The what now?” Pinkie asked, tilting his head curiously.

“Right, yes, we’ll check back in later, sorry to bother you,” Twilight said in a rush, grabbing Spike and heading quickly for the door.

“Good luck!” Pinkie called after them. “I’ll see you when you’ve gathered the others. Hopefully your welcome cake will be ready by then.”

“Twilight, he made you into a cake!” Spike hissed.

“Later, Spike,” Twilight gulped, but couldn’t help glancing back over his shoulder as he hurried Spike and himself out the door.

Pinkie Pie had indeed made him into a cake, it seemed. The tray Pinkie held bore an almost perfect recreation of Twilight in pastry form, from the shade of lavender in his coat to the simple traveling clothes he was wearing. The only inconsistency, oddly enough, was that Pinkie seemed to have shoved two cupcakes into what would have been Twilight’s upper torso.