Dropping In 2

Section Three

The plot

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While in The Hub C0l3 grew an eyepatch and smoked a cigarette while thinking over what Captain Price as Scootaloo hacked and coughed from the cigarette smoke because that shit didn’t exist in her universe.

“OK, so Price said that there’s some kind of plan being thought up that I need to stop. Scootaloo, any idea as to how I could stop this plan?” Col3 asked, sounding suddenly like Solid Snake and taking a drag from the cigarette.

“I-COUGH-don’t know-COUGH!” Scootaloo managed, desperately waving the smoke away with a hoof.

“Hmm” the human wondered, putting the cig out and taking the functionless eyepatch off, preparing to head into another universe.

Heading for one of the doors the B0$$ saw that it was locked, noting that the door looked different from the other ones. The others were average wood doors but this one was made of gold and had a solid diamond for a knob.

It was these subtle differences that allowed Cole to realize that this one was different.

Deciding that this door would have to wait the uber-leet CoD player walked away, heading over to another door and opening it, taking a gaze inside and seeing it was Battlefield 3.

“Come on, Scootaloo” the human said, the two of them jumping into the world of BF3.

(.)(.)

“I’M GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS OVER HERE!”

“BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED! BE ADVISED....enemy tank spotted.”

“HANG BACK IT’S KILLING TIME MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

“GIVE ME SOME FUCKING AMMO!!!1!”

“TAKE THIS YOU FUCKING FUCK PIECE OF SHIT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER BITCH!!”

“AMMO, AMMO MOTHERFUCKER!!”

“STAND BACK I’M GONNA DROP THAT BITCH!!”

All of the above clusterfuck of obscenities and a massive explosion assaulted Cole and Scootaloo’s ears, forcing the two to take cover behind a building which then promptly collapsed as a T90 rolled through, the driver popping out for a second and yelling “FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER” in Russian before popping back in.

Running away like pussies the two of them ran into one of the buildings that couldn’t be destroyed as Cole perused the scene, wondering what map they were on.

It was Strike at Karkand.

“Fucking trainwreck this is. We need to find someone who can help us find out what this evil plan I have to stop is” Cole explained.

“Who in this crazy ass place could help us?!” Scootaloo asked, bewildered by all the explosions and unnecessary cursing that was going on; the explosions made it like a Michael Bay movie and the cussing made it sound like a 5-year-old girl was getting ass-raped by a black man with a 12-inch cock.

“Well it’s possible we’ll find my beta-raper, Lord Michael Blackburn; to find him all we have to do is locate the support guy running around with an M60 Extended Mags shitting bullets all over Recons and jerking off to Vietcong guys burning from Napalm” the human answered.

“But first I have to find some gear; my custom M1911A1 just won’t cut it.”

Just then a Russian Engineer ran by and died, his body rag-dolling as he yelled “CUNT-BITCH FUCKER” and his kit clattered along the concrete, a second later an Abrams rolled by and bent the T90 over and raped it in the ass before heading on its way.

Picking up the dead Engineer’s kit Cole found himself holding an AKS-74u and an M9(because that makes sense in Battlefield’s universe) as well as the other assorted things an Engineer would carry like the Troll-tech corp blowtorch-made-for-raping-Recons model 9000.

Cocking the AK and the M9 Cole proceeded down the street to the courtyard that had the fountain in it and an M-COM station next to it and saw an LAV-25 dry-humping the fountain.

Heading up the ladder of the building across the street C0l3 looked around the map with his binoculars that didn’t exist and saw all the crazy shit going on; Marines yelling in all caps with the word ‘fuck’ being every other word in the sentence while the Recons camped on rooftops failing to hit jack shit because every sniper in the game thought that the higher you go the better you are as a sniper when in fact they’re fucking dipshits that don’t understand the concept of bullet drop.

The Supports ran around throwing 34 bricks of C4 on tanks, APCs, jeeps, people, World Trade Centers, dogs, and pretty much everything they saw while throwing down ammo for themselves to replenish the C4 they expended.

The Engineers ran up to the camping Recons and blowtorched their skulls and then teabagged them, getting booted from the server by the Admin who happened to be one of those camping Recons because he was a faggot and thought he was so cool for holding “power” over the people who played in his rented server.

The Assaults were the only ones doing reasonable shit(like planting the bombs on the M-COMs and reviving their dead teammates) though they died the most because they were trying to play the objective instead of being a Pr0 l3g1t No5c0p3r R3c0n.

“This is a fucking clusterfuck” Cole lamented, stowing the non-existent binoculars and jumping off the building, opening his parachute three feet off the ground which still somehow broke his fall while Scootaloo fluttered down using her pathetic wingpower to slow her descent.

Running across the street to the fountain and heading up the stairs behind it the two went down the street and ducked into an alley, finding an Engineer there gripping his basic M4A1 tightly and hyperventilating.

“What the fuck?” Cole wondered, startling the Engineer who screamed and scrambled away, his voice actually sounding kind of feminine.

A patch of a blue pony shrugging was on his shoulder.

“Wait...Kirlia?” Col3 said, prompting the soldier to stop in her tracks and look up at the uber-leet boss.

“H-How do you know my name?” the Engineer asked, definitely a female.

“I’m Cole, AKA Codename: One, AKA the Archangel(unofficial nickname)” the b0ss MW3 player answered, offering a hand to pull her to her feet.

“You’re Codename: One?!” the player said, squeeing like Fluttershy and fan-girling all over the place.

“So you know this chick?” Scootaloo said, looking up at the two humans.

“Yeah, this is Kirlia-481*, 15-year-old girl with long black hair who wanted me to put in her real life appearance so pedophiles would have an easier time finding her. She’s one of my readers and a person I’m beta-reading a story for. She was hiding here because she sucks at Battlefield, apparently” Cole replied, Kirlia punching him in the arm.

“Ow, hey! What was that for?”

“For saying I suck at this game, though I can’t really deny it. Anyway I guess I was right; you really do look and sound really manly, and you’re kinda cute” Kirlia complemented, making the usually hard-ass Call of Duty player blush.

“T-thanks. Anyway, before you get too far ahead of yourself and become the love interest I must first get your help; I’m here looking for my beta-reader, Blackburn; he’s most likely playing as a Support with an M60 spraying bullets everywhere. Have you seen him?” Cole inquired.

“You’re in luck, I think; I saw a Support running down the street spraying his M60 everywhere and yelling about Jihad and Allah” the female stated.

“That was definitely Blackburn. Where did you see him last?”

“On the street in front of that building that has one of the first two M-COMs in it; he ran up to the LAV and threw C4 all over it, blowing it across the map where it landed on the fountain. Though the Abrams showed up and shot at him before he could C4 that bitch too. Don’t know where he is now” Kirlia explained.

“Don’t worry, it won’t be hard to find him” C0l3 responded, preparing to head out.

“Soooo...you wanna go out sometime?” Kirlia asked, making Cole blush furiously.

“D-damn it, Kirlia, you can’t be the love interest unless I get permission from you in real life!” Cole protested, his cheeks a fair shade of red as he turned away and grew his eyepatch like he was some Clint Eastwood hard-ass that rejects the girl at first because he’s such a hard-ass uber-leet boss hero.

“Oooh, Cole and Kirlia sittin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Scootaloo chanted, earning a scowl from the male human.

“Let’s just go and find Blackburn.”

“Wait, aren’t you on the enemy team?” Kirlia asked, eyeing his AKS-74u; if he was on the enemy team she’d be screwed as she wouldn’t be able to hit shit because her aim was horrible.

“No, I just stole this kit from a dead Russian who got raped by an Abrams” Cole answered, heading down the street while Kirlia and Scootaloo followed, talking about the usual chick stuff like how hot Cole was and how good he was at Call of Duty.

At least that’s what they were talking about in his head; in reality they were probably talking about shoes or some shit.

“So then I said  'Wow, he doesn't look like what I think he looked like. He looks manly. Then I saw the Run walkthrough and I said 'OMG, his voice sounds manly as well!' Fangirl FTW!’ and I would’ve subscribed but I forgot the password to my Youtube profile” Kirlia said, finishing recounting a story to Scootaloo.

Cole stopped in his tracks and thought wait, they really were talking about how hot I was and how good I am at CoD? Da fuk?

“Looks like the defenders have been pushed back to the set of M-COMs right before the ones across the river; Kirlia, what team is Blackburn on?” Cole asked, turning around to face the female human.

“Uhhhh...American; I heard him screaming about Jihad in English, not Russian.”

“Good, that means he’s about to blow up the M-COMs and push the Russians across the river” Cole said, continuing on his way with the girls in tow.

“How do you know this?” Kirlia inquired, jogging a little to catch up to him while Scootaloo was forced to run. The explosions in the area had died down as the warring factions steadily moved to the back of the map.

“He’s Blackburn; he’ll rape the M-COMs and then shit on the admin using a PP-2000 with thermal sight, tactical light, and suppressor just because he can” the ub3r-l33t b0ss answered as they neared the third set of M-COMs next to the river.

Suddenly there was a loud snap and Kirlia went down screaming, forcing Cole and Scootaloo to dive behind a building to take cover.

“Kirlia! What happened?!” Scootaloo yelled, cowering behind the male human.

“F-faggot Recon...M98B...12x scope.......what a tryhard bitch...” Kirlia wheezed, slipping off as a skull and crossbones icon appeared above her.

She was dead.

“K-Kirlia? She’ll be OK, r-right? She can j-just respawn, right?” Scootaloo asked, on the verge of crying.

“Sure, but she probably won’t, she’ll probably just ditch this game and go play Black Ops because she’s bad at this game” Cole replied, feeling the ghost of Kirlia punch him in the arm again.

I hate you the beast CoD player thought, hoping Kirlia could hear him.

“It’s just you and me now, Scootaloo; we’ve gotta find Blackburn and get the hell out of here” Cole exclaimed, preparing to quickly head out while the Recon was busy jerking off over the kill he just got.

Peeking around the corner the human saw the lens flare that shined across the entire fucking map like a Goddamned SOS beacon broadcasting the sniper’s location for all to see.

“There’s the bastard” Cole declared, preparing to shoot at him; even if he didn’t kill him suppression works 10x for snipers so even a .22 coming in his general direction would make the Recon shit himself and make his vision blurrier than an old guy who just jizzed everywhere’s eyesight.

As he was about to open fire a bunch of Supports jumped out of an alley and starting spraying their M60s all over the damn joint, suppressing Cole and forcing him to duck back.

“I’M PINNED, I’M PINNED MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHIT-LICKER I NEED HELP!” Cole yelled, feeling the nature of Battlefield 3 rubbing off on him(bow chicka bow wow.)

“Don’t worry kid, I’ll save you” a deep creeper voice said over the radio, sounding like Batman after he had chain-smoked for 35 years.

Suddenly the map fell dark as the sun was eclipsed by a Support guy who was flying in the air, catching the attention of all the players on the map that weren’t AFK or circle-jerking around the M-COMs.

“Gonna fist a bitch with my cheese grater!” the Support growled, soaring down to the ground and Commando lunging the enemy Support guys in the alley that were suppressing Cole, though the lunge was even bigger as it was Bad Company 2’s version of Commando, which would let you knife a bitch standing on the roof of a two-story house if you jumped before knifing.

With each Support guy knifed the blade grew longer, making the bodies stick on the blade like a human shish-kebab. The Support guys tried in vain to shoot the Super-Support but he just ate the bullets and shit them out.

Seeing all the Supports get raped up the ass by a box-cutter ACB-90 the Engineers sloppily coordinated a plan which was total fucking fail because they were all 14 year olds living in a basement and all wanted to be the one “with the cool plan”.

Super-Support mowed them all down with a single mag of his M60, yelling “YATATATATATATATA” as he did so which made his aim 100,000,000% better(true story.)

Now down to just their Recons and Assaults the enemy team banded together in a rare form of cooperation and *GASP*, the Recons were actually going to fucking do something other than jerk off on their 12x Ballistic scopes.

I'm just kidding, they’re all running for the nearest building that has a ladder going to the roof.

Realizing they were on their own the Assaults came up with the genius plan of bum-rushing the Super-Support, basing their plan on the logic that they can just revive one another until one of them finally kills the crazy motherfucker.

With their plan in motion all the Assaults rushed forward into a meat grinder of bullets, all coming from the Support’s M60E4 while he had flashbacks to Nam about the Vietcong rushing his hill and wilting apart under the storm of bullets he had fired from an original M60.

As the first of their ranks began to die several broke off to revive them, creating an endless cycle of Assaults reviving Assaults while Super-Support mowed them down, receiving only the odd bullet in his foot before he killed the shooter.

Seven hours and 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 experience points for the Super-Support later the Assaults had finally given up and quit the game, sending their enemy a bunch of hate-mail.

Cleaning his cheese grater off in the river the Super-Support just ran up to the building that EVERY SINGLE Recon player was on and watched as the Recons frantically cut the ladder off, forcing the Super-Support to stab his box-cutter into the building and use it like an ice-pick to get to the top of the building.

Upon reaching the top the Recons opened fire, though all of them had M98Bs with 12x ballistic scopes because they were all faggots.

The Super-Support’s C4 made short work of them.

Jumping back down to the ground the Super-Support approached Cole and Scootaloo, the three of them the only ones left alive in the server. Super-Support smoked a cigar and polished his cheese grater with a cloth, saying “you’re all clear kid, now go home.”

“Blackburn, it’s me, Cole. I need your help” the b0ss game player said, making Super-Support perk up and toss his cigar and cheese grater into the river.

“Cole? Holy shit, what the fuck are you doing here?” Super-Support, AKA Blackburn, asked, ditching the pedophile chain-smoker Batman voice in favor of his normal voice.

“Captain Price told me there’s some kind of plan I have to stop that’s currently being put in motion, though he didn’t give me any details because I need to provide suspense in my story. Want to help me stop something that I know nothing about? And on that note, do you have anything that could help us figure out what this evil plan is?” Cole asked, stowing his AKS-74u on his back.

“Captain Price came to me with the same thing, though he actually gave me some info to help me. I guess he figured I would have a better chance than your bitch ass” Blackburn commented.

“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, what’s the deal?”

“Apparently this evil plan involves PURE UNCUT COCAINE and some kind of super-weapon, which is seriously the best the author could come up with because, despite what his readers would/will say, he’s actually not that good of an author” Blackburn explained.

“So, we got Pure Uncut Cocaine and a super-weapon; any idea as to who’s behind this?” the ub3r-l33t b0$$ inquired, preparing to head back to The Hub now that they’ve recruited Blackburn.

“Unfortunately no, though it’s probably Casey Hudson or EA, or the Jews at Activision. Or the nig-” Blackburn started, cut off when the author himself descended from the sky and paid him 1,000 dollars to cut the racist/homophobic/9-11 related jokes for the duration of his time in the story.

(Blackburn's gonna be PISSED.)

“Right, now that I’ve been sufficiently bribed do you want to go back to The Hub?” Blackburn stated, pulling his airsoft G36 out of nowhere and masturbating over it.

“Sure. Let’s go” Cole responded, preparing to open the portal.

“Don’t forget Scootaloo” Blackburn reminded the b0$$, seeing that Cole had almost completely forgot about the little filly in this chapter.

“Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me” C0l3 said, grabbing the little Pegasus as the three of them jumped through the portal, leaving the map vacant for several seconds.

...

Suddenly Kirlia ran up on the street, panting heavily and saying “I’m back! I respawned and had to run all the way back out here. I’m ready to... Cole? Scootaloo? Where’d you guys go?”

There was no response.

Suddenly a couple of the Recons respawned and walked up to Kirlia, yelling “holy shit! You’re a girl?!” before spamming her hundreds of friend requests and asking if she wanted to go out with them.

Kirlia sighed before killing herself and backing out of the game, going back to play Black Ops.

*-*-*

A/N: it's a trainwreck! Oooohh, it's a trainwreck.

Legal rape(lolwut): Scootaloo and all related characters belong to Hasbro. Cole belongs to me. Blackburn belongs to himself. Kirlia belongs to herself. My Little Pony is owned by Hasbro.