Still Not Ginger

       The Doctor blinked open his eyes, cringing at the sudden burst of sunlight. He could feel his legs splayed out all around him, and half of his face was pressed into the dirt.

“Oh, my head,” he said. “That was a very peculiar dream. I thought I was a pony, and—oh, what do you know?” He stared down at his hooves. “It wasn’t a dream after all.”

Shakily, he got to his feet—hooves?—and looked around. He was in some sort of field next to a peaceful-looking town. The TARDIS was half-hidden in a clump of bushes, safe from prying eyes. The Doctor’s clothes were jumbled up nearby.

“Well, I may as well get rid of those old things,” he sighed, tottering toward the pile of clothes. His hooves kept getting tangled up in each other, so even though the clothes were only a few feet away, it took him quite a while to reach them. Inside the pocket of his shirt was the TARDIS key, his psychic paper…and no sonic screwdriver. The sonic screwdriver was able to unlock anything and hack into any electronic system. “Maybe I left it in the TARDIS,” the Doctor said, becoming worried. “All I need to do is pick up the key, unlock the door, and get my sonic screwdriver. Easy.” He paused, staring down at his hooves, and added, "Or, it would be, if I weren’t stuck with these things."

For a moment more he stared before picking up the key in his mouth. “There. Ish eashy,” he mumbled, stumbling to the door of the TARDIS. As he pressed the key into the lock, though, he could feel saliva building up in his mouth and he instinctively swallowed, washing down the key with the saliva.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

*   *   *

Derpy rubbed her forehooves on her forehead and groaned. That had been the longest weekend of her life. After Night’s outburst, neither of the foals had wanted to stick around. Sparkler managed to get a last-minute foalsitting job at the Cakes’, and Dinky decided to go crusading with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. That left Derpy alone with Night Hooves. When Night hadn’t had a long week, when he was in a good mood, he was charming and pleasant. When he was in a bad mood, however…he was dreadful.

So most of Derpy’s weekend was spent listening to her husband rant and rave about everything in the world that got on his nerves. Not the best experience.

Now, on Monday, she had a spring in her step. Her saddlebags rustled, shaking around the mail she’d just picked up from her workplace, and her tail swished happily. Two very talkative friends of hers seemed to notice her extra energy and came rushing over.

“Hi Derpy!” Pinkie Pie greeted, bouncing up and down in place next to Carrot Top.

“Oh, hi, Pinkie, hi, Carrot Top!” Derpy chirped, her wings flapping unintentionally. “What brings you to this part of Ponyville? I mean, I know you two like to talk to ponies, but if you haven’t noticed, this is the least-populated part of town.”

Carrot Top smiled. “Actually, Derpy Hooves, we were looking for you. Colgate just told us something really cool and we knew we had to tell you!”

Derpy sighed. She tried her best to like Colgate, but sometimes it grew pretty difficult to. Colgate was usually the first to jump to conclusions and spread gossip. It wasn’t really her fault; she was a fast-paced pony, which meant she had no time to really stop and think things through. The first time Colgate and Derpy met was when Derpy accidentally burst a hole through Colgate’s roof., so they hadn’t exactly started out on the right hoof.

Carrot Top waved her hoof, beckoning Derpy to come closer. “You can’t tell anypony we told you this, okay? Promise you won’t tell!”

Throwing a glance in Pinkie’s direction, Derpy said, “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“Okay. Here it goes… There’s a new stallion in town!”

Derpy smacked a hoof to her face. “Carrot Top, I’m married with two foals. Why in Equestria do I need to know this?”

“Oh, no, Derpy, we weren’t saying it like that. We just thought you should know, because, well...Colgate said the stallion kept wandering around like he didn’t know how to walk. She tried to talk to him and he said something about talking unicorns and stumbled away. I think he’s got…issues.” Carrot Top tapped her head, as if she didn’t expect Derpy to understand what she meant. “Colgate asked his name, and he said it’s just ‘the Doctor.’ He sounds really weird, am I right?”

“Look, Carrot,” Derpy began slowly, “you know that sometimes Colgate makes things up, right? There’s no way there’s a stallion who’s that weird.” Inside, though, she felt a flash of pain. Her friends heard that there was a strange pony in town and automatically thought Derpy should know. What did that tell her about them?

“No, she was telling the truth,” Pinkie Pie said excitedly. “I saw him too! I tried to sing a song to him but he got really scared and ran away to a blue box in the bushes! Well, not really ran, but kind of stumble-tottered, you know, like a foal who’s just learning to walk. Not a foal like Pound Cake, because he just went straight to flying, but a foal like Pumpkin Cake. Ooh, that reminds me, the Cakes wanted me to tell you that Sparkler did a great job foalsitting them! They said—”

“Pinkie,” Derpy interrupted. “I think we’re getting a little off topic. Besides, I really should get going. I have a job, remember?”

“Oh, yeah! Bye! Ooh, Carrot Top, you know what sounds good right now? Pound cake! Not the foal, the food. Mmmm, I should get back to Sugarcube Corner and bake some!”

Once away from the two of them, Derpy released the breath she’d been holding. Pinkie could be a bit much sometimes, just like Carrot Top. But what they’d been talking about, a stallion who didn’t know how to walk and obsessed over talking unicorns and lived in a big blue box…how could something like that not be made up? It was too impossible to be true.

*   *   *

Derpy Hooves’ mail route seemed to take twice as long today. More than half of the letters were from Pinkie Pie, inviting every single pony in town to a party for the weird stallion. The other letters were normal things like bills and postcards.

When she was finally walking on the street to her home, she felt fear for Dinky churning in her stomach. Over the weekend they’d gone to see Twilight Sparkle, the local librarian. When Derpy explained her youngest daughter’s problem, the purple unicorn had seemed astonished and a bit scared. She said recurring magic surges were very uncommon, but untreatable. Apparently the problem was genetic, though Derpy wasn’t even a unicorn and Night had never said anything about magic surges. Twilight’s next words, though, made Derpy feel even sicker. She said, since magic surges were dangerous and untreatable, most ponies with them were forbidden to ever go to school or get a job.

Derpy hadn’t told Dinky the news yet, but she’d sure as hay told Night Hooves and Sparkler. As expected, Night Hooves was furious and Sparkler was devastated. For half an hour Night Hooves bellowed about how this wasn’t his fault, that he’d never had magic surges, that it was Twilight’s fault for not having a cure. So, following her husband’s wishes, Derpy took Dinky to stay with Zecora for the week. Surely the zebra would be able to find a way to help.

Suddenly, she stopped. Her ear twitched, and her eyes narrowed. There was something up ahead on the path, something alive.

“Excuse me,” the something said in a Braytish accent, “could you help me with something?”

Derpy’s wings flared, ready to lift her into the sky if needed. “What do you need?” she asked cautiously, taking a few steps forward. The something was obviously a pony, but what sort of pony didn’t know how to walk properly? At once she recognized who it was. “Ohhhh, you’re that weird stallion.” Realizing her mistake, she quickly corrected, “Uh, sorry, I mean, you’re that new stallion.”

The pony shook his head. “No, no, don’t call me that, I’m not a stallion.”

“Then what are you?”

He blinked, surprised. How was he supposed to answer that? He doubted any of these ponies knew what an “alien” was, let alone a Time Lord. “Well, I’m not exactly from here,” he finally said. “But that doesn’t matter. Can you help me with something?”

Derpy took a few more steps toward him. He didn’t seem to have any weapons, but he was an Earth pony and a stallion, which meant he was much, much stronger than her. It would only take him a few well-aimed kicks to knock her out, or worse. “I’ll help you, b-but I’m warning you, try any funny business and I'll k-kick your flank to the moon!”

“Understood.”

Once Derpy was in front of him and could see him better, she looked him over carefully. He was tall for a pony, with a dark, spiky mane and blue eyes. His coat was light tan, and an hourglass cutie mark sat upon his flank. He looked sort of uncomfortable, shifting his weight like he had something caught in his throat. “What do you need? I have other things to do.”

He looked a bit nervous. “Like I said, I’m not really from here. I’m from—somewhere else. I really don’t know anything about ponies. I don’t know how to walk properly, I don’t know how to pick things up, I don’t know what to eat, I don’t even know whether or not ponies wear clothes! I was wondering if maybe you could help me?” The Doctor coughed, embarrassed. “Oh, and I kind of swallowed the key to my home.”

For crying out loud, Derpy thought, he’s even clumsier than me! Out loud, she said, “S-sure, I can help you.”

“Oh, thank you. Most ponies just laughed at me and walked away. And then there was that one that tried to sing to me…” He shuddered. “Wow, I’m not sure if I like my pony self. I’m a lot more reserved and polite now. Not that that's a bad thing, but... Well, what are you going to do? It’s not like I can choose my personality, right?”

Derpy found herself facehoofing for the second time that day. “Yeah. Right. So, what, I just help you cough up your key, teach you everything imaginable about being a pony, and then I go home?”

“Yes.”

“…You’re utterly insane. How do you not know how to be a pony? You were born a pony, weren’t you?”

“Um, no. Not exactly. You see, I’m not really a pony now, either.”

Derpy flapped her wings, lifting herself off the ground. Usually she tried to avoid flying, because every time she did, she ended up obliterating a building. “You’re right! Silly me, I can’t believe I didn’t notice. You’re not a pony; you’re a three-headed polka-dotted monkey shooting lasers out of its eyes. You know what? I’m not helping you, because you’re insane! I think you should go to Princess Celestia and get her to help you. Maybe in a mental hospital they’ll teach you how to walk and use your hooves.” With that said she flew over his head, landed on the other side, and took off running, not looking back once.

When she had gone, the Doctor sat back on his haunches and frowned. “Did I say something wrong?”

*   *   *

That evening at dinner, while Sparkler was telling her mother about something funny that happened in school, Derpy found her mind wandering back to the strange pony on the road. Weird or not, he had asked her for help and she had turned him down. He was locked out of his home, night was almost there, and she had just left him. What kind of pony did that make her? Considerate? No. Likeable? Definitely not.

“Derpy?”

“Huh?” Derpy looked up from her hay noodles, startled.

Sparkler looked hurt. “Were you even listening to me?”

Derpy dropped her gaze. “I have a lot on my mind, that’s all. I’m sorry, Sparkler. Here, tell me the story again. This time I’ll listen, I promise.”

Finally Sparkler finished telling how Thunderlane had accidentally spilled all of his lunch on his marefriend, Blossomforth. “You should’ve been there, Derpy!” Sparkler had a habit of calling her adoptive parents by their first names instead of “Mom” and “Dad.” “Anyway, I’m stuffed, and I’ve got homework to do, so goodnight!” She scurried away from the table, using her magic to grab her phone on the way.

“Don’t stay up all night texting, muffin,” Derpy called after her. She waited a minute or two after Sparkler had gone, then, tossing the dishes in the sink to do when she returned, she rushed out the door.

The strange stallion—no matter what he said, he still looked like a stallion—was lying right where Derpy had left him, curled up and shivering. He looked up when Derpy arrived, his eyes weary.

“Hi again,” Derpy said sheepishly. “Sorry I made fun of you and left you outside.”

“Oh, it’s no problem at all! Trust me, I’ve had people do much meaner things to me. Have you come to help me?”

“Yeah, I guess.” She flattened her ears. “I still think you’re insane, though. What’s your name, anyway?” Didn't Carrot Top say his name was “the Doctor?”

“I’m the Doctor. And you are?”

Well, that answers that question. “I’m Derpy Hooves.”

The Doctor burst out laughing, kicking his legs and rolling around. “Ha, ha, ha! Your parents actually named you that? Ha, ha!” He deadpanned, trying to act serious. “Hey, honey, look, it’s our daughter! I know, let’s name her Derpy! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I’ve never heard anything so—oof!” He stopped talking abruptly as Derpy’s hoof connected with his jaw. “Well, ponies certainly seem to have short tempers.”

“What kind of doctor are you?” Derpy asked bitterly. “I certainly wouldn’t want you to be my doctor. You'd probably kill me on accident.”

“I’m not really a doctor, it’s just my name.”

“Well, it’s a weird one.”

The Doctor shook his head. “Look, Derpy, are we going to sit here bickering like children, or are you going to help me? I’d really like to fix the TARDIS so I can get out of here as fast as possible.”

Derpy circled him curiously, her wings spread. “What’s a TARDIS?”

“It’s my spaceship. And she’s a very good spaceship, if I do say so myself.”

“Is it that blue box in the bushes over there?”

“Well, yes. It’s bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said defensively. “She’s a great spaceship, honestly.”

“Hang on, let me see if I’m following.” Derpy stopped walking and sat down, her eyes slowly becoming crossed. “You’re telling me you’re an alien named the Doctor and you have a spaceship that’s a blue box and is bigger on the inside?”

The Doctor laughed nervously. “Uh…yes? If you don’t believe me, listen to my heartbeats. I have two hearts, honestly. All Time Lords do.”

Derpy rolled her eyes, which actually looked quite strange, considering that her eyes were still crossed. Slowly, she reached her wing forward, resting her feathers on the left side of his chest. She could feel a steady thum-bum, thum-bum. Then, even slower, she shifted her wing to the right side of his chest. Sure enough, there was a heartbeat there. Her eyes stretched as wide as saucers as she looked up at the stallion. “You have two hearts,” she whispered. “Two…hearts…" Her jaw dropped as it sank in that this stallion might not be as crazy as she'd thought before. "So, um, what was it you needed help with again?”

*   *   *

Deep in the Everfree, the stallion worked, pouring over every detail on the worn paper he’d found in his friend’s tent. His charcoal-gray mane was drenched with sweat, and his gray body was so damp he could’ve been wrung out like a towel. Mosquitoes buzzed around him, tearing at his flesh, but they were the last things on his mind at the moment.

Suddenly, he stopped. His eyes narrowed, then widened. “No…it can’t be…” He knew this language. He’d spent most of his life learning and perfecting the languages of the world, and this language…this language sent shivers down his spine. “That’s not possible. If this is what I think it is…if this says what I think it says…we’re in terrible danger.”

“What was that you said?” Night Hooves asked from where he was standing right behind him.

The stallion jumped. “O-oh, Night Hooves, it’s you. I was just saying that I found something very interesting that you might want to tell the others about.”

“Is that so, Lucky?”

“Yes. I think I know who or what we’re up against!”

Night Hooves’ eyes narrowed dangerously, but Lucky didn’t seem to notice. “Okay, then. I’ll get some of my best workers and meet you in the forest to discuss what you discovered. Oh, and by the way, Lucky, where’d you find that document? Think carefully. Your answer is very important.”

“I-I found it in your tent, sir.”

“Very well. Follow that path right there and you’ll come to a clearing. Don’t worry, we’ll be there soon enough.”

Lucky nodded, completely oblivious to his boss’s anger. “Yes, sir. I think you’ll find what I found out very interesting.”

Night Hooves watched the young stallion leave before giving a quiet chuckle. “Yes, I think I’ll find it very interesting indeed.” With that he broke into a run and hurried back to the camp, skidding to a stop in front of his best workers. “Well, stallions, it seems we were fortunate today. It’s a code blue.”

“Who is it?” one of them asked.

“Lucky. Follow me, and be ready by the time we get to the clearing.”

Lucky was walking calmly down the path, keeping his ears perked in case anything was following him. His mind was racing, trying to figure out how to break the news to the others. Well, men, he pictured himself saying, it seems we’re dealing with changelings here. Not just any changelings, but supreme changelings. They’re the most dangerous creatures to have ever walked Equestria. We must report to Celestia at once.

Very soon, he reached the clearing, sitting patiently in the middle.

“Lucky, tell us exactly what you found out,” came a voice that was similar to Night Hooves’, but not quite the same.

He looked around, confused. “Are you guys in the bushes or something? Why can’t you come out?”

“Tell us what you found out.”

“Well,” he began, “um, it appears we’re dealing with changelings. That’s right, changelings, like the ones that tried to ruin Captain Shining Armor’s wedding a few years back. But these ones are even worse. These are the supreme changelings, the worst of the worst, the strongest of the strong. I hate to say it, but I think we’d better step out and let the Princesses and Elements of Harmony handle this case.”

A rustling could be heard in the bushes. “Wow, you’re not as dumb as I thought before, Lucky. Tell me, do you have any family, or maybe a marefriend?”

“I don’t see what this has to do with anything, but yes, I do. Her name is Wild Fire, and we’re hoping to get married soon. I love her more than anything.”

“Perfect.” Something began to step out of the bushes, dark, tall, and terrifying. “You’re just what we need.”

Lucky shrank back, only to bump into another one of the creatures. “S-sir? What’s going on? Sir?” He could feel magic surrounding him, pulling him into a deep rest. “S-sir…what are you…?!” Finally, it became too much, and darkness closed in on him.

The creature that had spoken waved its hoof—if it even counted as a hoof—at the others. “Take him to the cocoons. Once I get back, the Queen and I will decide what to do with him.”

“Yes, sir!” they bellowed, dragging the unconscious stallion away.

Night Hooves, or what had previously been Night Hooves, gave a cruel smirk. “I promised nobody would find out what we’re doing, and I meant it. No matter what it takes, this time we will not fail. We will be victorious. Nopony, not even Celestia herself, will be able to stop us.”