Celestia didn't waste any time in picking up a black card. She smirked as she read it out, "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always blank."

"Evil?" Luna put in.

"Customers aren't always evil," Celestia replied patiently. "Admittedly, they sometimes are evil, stupid, filthy, self-entitled little shits, but they aren't always."

Cadence raised an eyebrow. "You realize that pretty much everypony is a customer of somewhere at some point, right?"

"I'm well aware." Celestia tapped her chin thoughtfully and mumbled to herself, "I always wondered if maybe Sombra originally worked in fast food or retail. It would explain a few things."

"Him or Chrysalis," Luna put in as she passed her answer over.

When the rest of the answers were ready Celestia quickly shuffled them and picked one out. "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always… a cat with hands?"

"Capper?" Twilight tilted her head in confusion. "I haven't actually seen him since the Friendship Festival. I wonder what he's up to?"

"I wonder if he ever actually gave that marshmallow a creamy filling," Celestia put in. In response to three confused stares, she grinned and clarified, "You know, Rarity?"

Twilight blushed and sighed as the others giggled. "Honestly, I'm pretty certain that they did, er, do the deed, but I never felt comfortable asking her."

Celestia chuckled as she picked the next answer. "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always…" Her expression shifted faster than Rainbow Dash in Cider Season, going from amused to disgusted before the others could blink. "Shaking a foal until it stops crying. You've got a sick mind, Luna."

"How did you know it was me?" Luna asked in surprise.

"You were smirking, you sick bitch." Celestia huffed and snatched up the last card. "Here's a little something I learned in business school: the customer is always… foreskin? Clearly Luna isn't the only weirdo in this gathering."

"We're princesses, being bat-shit crazy is practically a job requirement," Luna muttered.

"Which of you had the pervy kitty with hands?" Celestia asked, glossing over Luna's comment.

Cadence grinned and raised a hoof. "I've caught up, now!"

"Not for long," Luna said as she selected a question. She smirked at Cadence as she read it. "I suspect this might be a conversation that you've had with Shining Armour. Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'blank Pink'?"

Twilight chuckled at that one. "Cadence wouldn't go for pink, she'd blend into the background."

"Damn straight," Cadence agreed.

"I'm not," Twilight said flatly.

"Funnily enough, neither am I," Celestia put in.

Luna rolled her eyes. "We can discuss who prefers sausage or seafood later. For now, just pass your answers over."

The others made noises of amused disgust, a fairly common feature of gatherings such as this, or any private meeting involving Celestia, but they passed their answers over nonetheless. Luna couldn't resist a satisfied chuckle as she picked up the first answer. She raised an eyebrow as she read it. "And you say I've got a sick mind… Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'Hospice Care Pink'?"

"Oh, what the f-, er, I mean, that's horrible!" Twilight blurted out.

"I'm curious, what did you almost say there, Twilight?" Cadence asked with a smirk. She casually dodged an airborne cushion a second later.

"Moving on," Luna put in. "Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'Oestrogen Pink'?"

Cadence raised an eyebrow. "Is oestrogen actually pink?"

Twilight frowned as she considered. "I wouldn't think so, but there are certain preconceptions that some ponies have about associations between color and ge-"

"Let's leave the biology lesson for later, shall we?" Celestia took a quick sip of tea. "Luna, I believe that there is one answer left."

Luna just shook her head as she grabbed the last card. She let out an almost disappointed sigh before she read it out in a flat monotone, "Hey, honey. For the bedroom, were you thinking 'Robin's Egg Blue' or 'My Son's Husband's Huge Cock Pink'?"

Celestia snorted into her tea while Cadence howled with laughter. Even Twilight let out a reluctant giggle, which she quickly covered with a hoof.

"It appears that the cock wins," Luna remarked. "I know that I certainly prefer it." She held up the card. "Who had the cock?"

Celestia lowered her tea. "Card? Me. Cock? Not nearly recently enough."

"I thought you said you weren't straight?" Twilight asked.

"Not entirely straight," Celestia corrected. "Either way, I've caught up to you now, my pervy purple pony Princess."

"One of those adjectives doesn't sit well with me," Twilight huffed.

"Keep telling yourself that, Twi." Cadence giggled as she picked a question. "Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you blank."

"Pregnant?" Luna quipped.

"A decent birthday orgy?" Celestia suggested.

"That would get you pregnant, too," Luna shot.

"A hardcore selection of sexually transmitted infections?" Twilight deadpanned.

That got a wince out of the other three. Celestia in particular shuddered and put down her tea. "Ugh, there's a few memories I could cheerfully do without."

"I don't want to know!" Cadence cut in quickly. "Just give me your answers and keep your VD stories to yourself!"

"As you wish." Celestia sighed as she flicked through her cards.

After a quick search, the three princesses dropped their answers in front of Cadence. "Olay, I hope you've at least given me some decent answers this time." Tentatively, she picked up the first card, then snorted as she read it, "Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you a sticky tree hole full of pancake sauce."

Twilight scrunched up her nose in distaste. "Why do I get the feeling that that was intended as a euphemism?"

"It certainly reminds me of the phrase 'happy batter'," Celestia mused.

"Mmm, one of my favourite things." Cadence grinned at the disgusted noise Twilight made, already fetching the next answer. "Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you… huh, a disappointing birthday party."

"Or just take Pinkie Pie and ten minutes and you'll get an amazing birthday party," Twilight put in.

Cadence just shrugged and picked up the last card. Give me ten good ponies and 48 hours. I'll get you… carbs." She stared at the card for a second, then placed it on the table and said flatly. "Sticky tree hole wins."

"Huzzah! That would be mine!" Luna cried happily. "Once again we are tied for the lead!"

"If Cadence gets a point this turn, we'll all be tied for the lead," Twilight shot as she grabbed a black card. "Why does my mustache smell so bad?"

"It's constantly buried in my sister's ass?" Luna shot. Both Celestia and Twilight shot her seething glares. Her sister's ire she was used to, but the non-verbal vitriol from Twilight was something new, and it was disturbing enough that Luna decided not to press that particular button again. Not yet, anyway.

"Answers, please," Twilight forced out through gritted teeth. The others rapidly obliged. A little surprised at how well her own variant of the Stare had been, she kept her face carefully neutral as she shuffled the cards and selected the first answer. "Why does my mustache smell so bad? The inevitable heat death of the universe." Twilight gave the card a calculating look. "The way things have been going recently, I'd better start working on a way to prevent that too. Next, why does my mustache smell so bad?" She rolled her eyes as she read the next answer. "My ex-wife."

"What, did Moondancer not shower or something?" Cadence asked.

"Of course she did!" Twilight shot. "One of the first spells we learned together was how to waterproof books so we could read them in the shower."

Luna smirked. "And yet you do not deny that this Moondancer is your ex-wife."

A faint blush spread across Twilight's cheeks as she quickly grabbed the next answer. "A-anyway! Why does my mustache smell so bad?" She flipped the card over with a snap. "Princess Celestia!"

Luna and Cadence practically exploded into hysterics, while even Celestia had to use her hoof to stifle a chuckle. Twilight's blush went from merely faint to full-blown incendiary as she slowly realized what she had read out.

"Let me assure you all, my ass is not why Twilight's mustache smells so bad," Celestia said evenly. "I make sure to clean it very thoroughly and keep it well perfumed in case of visitors."

"V-visitors to y-your ass?!" Luna asked with difficulty, owing to the fact that she couldn't quite stop laughing.

Celestia shrugged. "A mare can dream, can't she?"

"And that's why I never visit your dreams!" Luna cried.

"Hey, I would if I could," Cadence put in. "Either way, who wins that round?"

Twilight's face was still luminescent as she silently levitated the 'Princess Celestia' card.

"Ha!" Cadence whooped as she snatched the card in her aura. "Hell yeah, four-way!"

"I believe you mean, four way tie," Luna supplied.

Cadence poked her tongue out. "Only because the rest of you are prudes." She added the card to her small pile and grinned. "Round 5?"

"In a moment," Luna replied. "I need to go and water the lilies." In response to Cadence's confused look, she sighed and said flatly. "I need to take a piss. You probably should too, Tia, I've heard that your bladder weakens as you get older and we wouldn't want you to have an accident while laughing."

"Fuck off, Luna." Celestia scowled as Luna left the room, grinning like a Cheshire cat. After a few seconds she sighed and moved to leave as well. Seeing the amused looks on Twilight and Cadence's faces, she frowned and said quickly, "T-this is nothing to do with what Luna said! I just drank a little too… oh, fuck it, who am I kidding. Just don't tell Luna and don't be screwing each other when I get back, okay?"

Author's Note

I thought I lost what little remained of my sanity when I wrote Cards Against Starlight, turns out there was still a little left to burn as I was writing this particular monument to depravity.

Enjoy!

Sunbutt - 4
Moonbutt - 4
Lovethebutt - 4
Bookbutt - 4