Celestia smiled regally as she entered the room again. "Sorry for the wait, now, let's see how much of that cake we can get through before Luna gets-" Her mouth snapped shut as she spotted her sister already sitting on one of the cushions.

"Trouble with your bladder, dear sister?" Luna asked with a victorious grin.

Celestia just let out a resigned sigh and returned to her cushion. "Were those two fooling around when you returned?"

"They were not," Luna replied, sounding almost disappointed.

"Did you honestly think we would?" Twilight asked flatly.

"I'm surprised that Cadence didn't at least try," Celestia mused.

"We're not all perverts like you, auntie," Cadence said flatly. "Not all the time, anyway. Now hurry up and pick a card, I've got a game to win."

Celestia smirked at her. "We'll see about that. She drew a question, then blinked in surprise as she read it. "Oh, this is an interesting one, it says to draw two more white cards each and pick three. Blank plus blank equals blank."

The other princesses drew the extra cards and set to flicking through them. Soon enough three small piles sat in front of Celestia. "I'm not bothering with a spell to shuffle three sets of answers so I'll just read them in order." She picked the first pile up with a flourish, then immediately sighed as she read them. "The way Prince Blueblood treats mares plus waiting for marriage equals reparations for slavery." Celestia gave Luna a flat look. "I know our nephew can be a prick sometimes but that's a little harsh."

"I still think you should have let me teach him how to treat a mare," Cadence pouted.

"And I still think that that would have been a terrible idea," Celestia countered. "He's already arrogant, the last thing he needs is an ego boost from getting private lessons from the Princess of Love. Besides, if I had let you near him I guarantee that I would have walked in on him porking you at some point, and I'd really prefer not to see that thank you very much."

"You're assuming that that hasn't happened anyway," Cadence said coyly.

Celestia threw a glare at her before picking up the next set of cards, though she couldn't help an only mildly lecherous smirk as she read them out, "Elderly Neighponese stallions plus a much younger mare equals free samples."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Free samples of what? Wait! No!" She held a hoof up as Cadence opened her mouth to answer. "I can infer, and you're disgusting."

"Incredibly so," Celestia muttered. "Lastly, let's see what Twilight came up with. "Oh, wow. A concerning amount of unicorns plus friction equals Bimpy, the small styrofoam ball we all jack off into." She grinned at Twilight's sudden and incredible blush. "And you say Cadence is disgusting? Tut tut."

"The difference is I've never actually done what's on my cards," Twilight retorted.

Cadence opened her mouth to shout a denial, then closed it and shrugged. "Eh, technically they were Thestrals, but I guess it still counts."

"They do indeed." Celestia hummed and tilted her head to the side as she considered the answers. "Bimpy wins, purely for being so disgusting."

"I'm not sure if I'm happy about that," Twilight sighed as she accepted the card.

"The problems of a pervert," Luna sighed. She calmly ignored Twilight's glare and picked up a black card, smiling as she saw what was written on it. "How appropriate. Why can't I sleep at night?"

"The ardent lovemaking you mentioned earlier?" Celestia shot.

Twilight gave her a level glare. "Do you have to take it in that direction straight away? I'm pretty sure the only reason Luna is up at night is because, you know, it's her job."

"Indeed. I limit my dalliances until I'm off duty," Luna said snootily.

"Are you implying that I neglect my duties to screw around?" Celestia asked frostily.

Luna's grin was predatory. "Of course not, sister. I think we're all fully aware that you haven't had a chance to 'screw around' in years." Ignoring the scorching glare that Celestia threw in her direction, Luna glanced down at her question again and said, "If you could all kindly pass over your answers."

One brief period of shuffling later, and three white cards sat before Luna's hooves. "What have we got first?" She picked up the first answer, and her expression instantly soured. "Why can't I sleep at night?" Luna deadpanned. "Seething with quiet resentment." The other princesses stayed utterly still and silent as she set the card aside. "If that is another poorly timed Nightmare Moon joke-"

"It is," Celestia smirked, only to be walloped off her hooves by a cake that set a new world record for dessert speed.

"-then I am not going to be amused," Luna finished without batting an eye. She followed up by levitating a large silver tray full of donuts and éclairs over her sister, then dropping the whole thing on her head, producing a resounding clang and a loud, pained squawk. "Next one. Why can't I sleep at night?" As she read the next card, she let out a sigh that was equal parts amused and annoyed. "Sexual peeing."

"Kinky," Cadence put in.

"Maybe if you're into that sort of thing. Personally, I'm not particularly enthused by the rituals of our primitive ancestors," Luna said with distaste, tossing the card over her shoulder. "And lastly, why can't I sleep at night?" She snorted at the last card. "The gays. The gays win, hooves down."

"Another point for me!" Cadence said gleefully. She gave Twilight a challenging grin. "That puts both of us in the lead."

Twilight nodded and smiled sweetly. "Yep, and it's now your turn, meaning this is my chance to pull ahead yet again."

"If you're good enough," Cadence countered as she picked a question. "Oh, this is unusual. Five, four, three, two, one... blank!"

"Isn't that your countdown until Twilight freaks out every time you send her a letter, sister? Luna asked Celestia.

Twilight's smile shifted into a dark scowl. "Funny. I thought it was the time it took for the two of you to start bickering whenever you're left alone in the same room."

"You're both right, now get your actual answers ready," Cadence cut in. Utterly unfazed by the scowls of the other three princesses, Cadence casually nibbled on a slice of cake until the answers were placed in front of her. "Okay, let's see what we've got. Five, four, three, two, one… sandwich?"

"Oh, don't mind if I do," Luna said brightly, helping herself to another dandelion sandwich.

Cadence shook her head and picked up the next card. "Five, four, three, two, one… The Black Death."

"Mother always got angry when I called you that after you'd been to the toilet," Celestia mused.

"She also got angry when I asked if you actually dropped polished turds, or if you simply were one, but there we are," Luna replied.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "So we've gone from incest, to Prince Blueblood, to polished fecal matter. Delightful."

"Pretty sure those last two are the same thing," Cadence said with a smirk. "Last one. Oh, nice. Five, four, three, two, one… dick pics!"

"How… delightful," Luna said with a grimace that spoke of her true feelings on the matter.

"Please don't mention dick pics in front of Blueblood," Celestia urged. "If he ends up getting wrapped up in a lawsuit because of a stupid idea like that I may have to geld him myself."

Twilight shrugged. "I don't know, you may as well let him try it. All jokes aside, it is an impressive specimen, and since he can't rely on a glowing personality he's going to need every advantage he can get to attract a mare and keep her. Or a stallion, or anycreature else, for that matter."

Cadence arched an eyebrow. "How do you know that he has an impressive specimen?"

Twilight just gave her a flat look. "I spent a lot of time in the castle when I was growing up, and so did Blueblood. One night he got it into his head that he liked the idea of having a slightly post-pubescent nerdy mare nearby, and decided to make a pass at me in a way that was… let's just say 'not very subtle'."

"No way?!" Cadence said in a scandalised tone. "How am I only now hearing about this?"

"Good question." The group shivered involuntarily at the sheer venom in Celestia's voice. She drew in a slow breath through her nose and slowly got to her hooves. "Please excuse me for a moment. I'm going to rip my nephew's balls off and shove them down his throat."

"It's fine, Celestia," Twilight said with a quiet sigh. "It was years ago, and believe me he learned his lesson."

"Oh?" Cadence glanced at her sidelong. "What did you do to him?"

Twilight smiled slyly. "Wouldn't you like to know? Well, tough, because you won't get it from me." The smile vanished as if it had never existed as Twilight ruffled her wings and sat up straight. "So, which answer won?"

Cadence blinked in surprise, then scowled and turned her attention back to the cards. "I guess… I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm going with dick pics."

"That's me!" Twilight said cheerfully. "I told you I'd pull ahead again!"

"Seriously?!" Cadence sighed and gave Twilight a sidelong look. "You really are a closet pervert."

"I am not!" Twilight snapped, though she blushed as she said it. "A-anyway, it's my turn now, so get ready!" She snatched up the next card and, going by how quickly her expression fell, immediately regretted it. "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to blank"

"Princess Celestia?" Luna quipped.

Celestia turned a frosty glare on her. "What exactly are you implying, sister?"

"That every pony that meets you suddenly loses their carnal appetite?" Luna said flatly, then she tapped her chin. "Ah, I see my mistake. The question only said 50%, not 100%. In that case I'd say Twilight's badly written smut stories."

"They're not badly written!" Twilight cried indignantly, flaring her wings. It took her a second to realize what she had said, but by then the damage was already done.

Cadence clapped her hooves and squealed in delight. "You mean you do have your own smutfics?!"

"I've always suspected, but I could never find proof." Celestia gave her a smile that was a confusing mix of warm and predatory. "I'd like to have a good look through them at some point."

"Me too," Luna put in.

Twilight was blushing so brightly she could illuminate a street. "J-just give me your answers," she said meekly.

Surprisingly, the other princesses relented and flicked through their cards, though this was less due to a lack of interest and more due to wanting to wheedle as much information out of the purple pervert as they could without making her snap and run away.

Shortly afterwards, after much muttering and mumbling from the three of them, a small pile of answers waited for Twilight's attention. Twilight cleared her throat before selecting a card, clearly trying to ignore her own still-burning cheeks. "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to… land mines."

Celestia snorted then clamped a hoof over her mouth. "Ahem, sorry. I shouldn't really laugh at that."

"To be fair, it's probably true," Cadence sniggered.

"You're both sick," Twilight muttered as she picked up the next card. She frowned as she read it out, "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to sunshine and rainbows." She raised an eyebrow. "If that were true then nopony in Equestria would ever get laid."

"We'd all be suffering just like my dear sister," Luna shot, earning an annoyed glare.

"And last but hopefully not least…" Twilight picked up the last answer and sighed. "Yeah, last is least. A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to knife crime."

Luna winced. "Forgive me for saying this, but that turn, I believe the modern term would be… sucked?"

"More than I do on the regular," Cadence put in.

Twilight gave a disgusted scoff and swatted her with a levitated cushion. "Land mines wins, purely because it was the only card that made one of you degenerates actually laugh."

"Like you can talk, Miss 'I write my own smut'; by the way, you totally have to show me what you've written." Cadence grinned widely. "Either in written form or live demonstration, I'm not picky as to which." She caught a thrown cushion in her magic and giggled. "Also, guess which degenerate is tied with you again?"

The guards outside flinched as a frustrated scream echoed through the dark corridors.

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait, enjoy this little slice of demented life!

Sunbutt - 4
Moonbutt - 4
Lovethebutt - 6
Bookbutt - 6