How to Love Ponies

"You guys sure it's all right?" You ask, setting down the last box in your new room.

"If it wasn't, we wouldn't have offered," Bon Bon said from the doorway. "We had an extra room and didn't know what to do with it-"

"That's not true," Lyra interrupted. "I totally had a plan for it."

"For the last time," Bon Bon grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose. "We are not filling this room with hamster wheels and using rodents to generate power to the rest of our home. Do you have any idea how bad that would smell? Not to mention, Fluttershy would never supply us with a large amount of hamsters if she knew we were going to use them as slaves." She sighed before continuing. "As I was saying, we had an extra room, and we figured that, since you were finally going to stop freeloading off the princess, we might as well let you stay with us. Besides, it'll make rent just a bit cheaper."

"Well, I really appreciate it," you said, sitting down on your bed. "I guess now I can finally start calling Equestria my home."

"Speaking of which," Lyra said, levitating over a large box. "A few days ago, we were going through some of our old stuff, deciding what to get rid of, and we figured that you might have some use for them. Consider them house warming gifts."

"So, you're giving me some of your old junk?" You ask, laughing.

"We prefer to call them 'lost treasures', Bon Bon chuckled, climbing up onto the bed next to you. She looked at you, expectantly.

"What?" you asked.

"Well, since you're starting to come around to the idea of fully integrating into pony society, and your therapist is helping you develop an attraction to ponies, we were maybe wondering if you had given some thought to getting into the dating scene?" she asked, trying her best to look innocent.

You thought about it. Tree Hugger's "treatment" was actually helping you, a bit. You really were starting to realize that the ponies of this world looked nothing like the ones you had spent most of your life sharing a planet with, and these ones really did have some attractive qualities to them. Sure, looking at pictures of pony cooch was still a bit weird, but you were making some progress.

"Well... I guess it couldn't hurt to go on at least one date..." you said.

"Great!" Lyra exclaimed, bouncing up and down. "Because, we kind of organized this thing over at Sugarcube Corner, and it starts in an hour, so go get showered so we can head over there."

"What?"

...

"Lyra, what the hell is this?" You asked, upon arriving at the bakery. There was a small booth reserved for you in a darkened corner of the room, lit only by candles. But that wasn't the concerning part. What was cornering was the massive line of ponies waiting by it, many of whom were holding boxes of candy, bouquets of flowers, and a bold few had the audacity to be holding rolls of condoms in their teeth while giving you bedroom eyes.

"Well, you are quite the popular stallion," the mint unicorn replied, trying not to look like she had gone overboard. "So, I informed everypony who I knew was curious as to what you hide in your pants."

"Yay! You're finally here!" Pinkie Pie cheered, leaping over the counter. "Are you ready to meet the love of your life?"

"God dammit," you muttered. "Are you also going to try to woo me, Pinkie?"

"What? No!" she said, giving you a playful shove. "You may be by Number One Bestest Human Friend, but that's all you'll ever be to me (though, I wouldn't say no to adding a few more benefits to that), but that's not what tonight's about. Tonight, you are going to try speed dating, and the Cakes only said I could host it, here, if I capitalized on it!" She pointed to a massive mountain of cupcakes perched on top of the counter. A sign hanging from the ceiling read "TONIGHT'S SPECIAL: WHISKEY AND CHOCOLATE REJECTION CUPCAKES! 5 BITS EACH."

"Whatever," you sighed. "Let's just get this started.

...

Fluttershy was up first. She didn't say anything as she sat down across from you and attempted to hide behind her mane.

"So, uh, Fluttershy..." you begin, awkwardly. "How are you doing this evening?"

She mumbled something from behind the cascade of pink.

"That's, uh, good to hear?" You replied, unsure of how to respond. "So, I'm guessing you're interested in me?"

More mumbling.

"So, uh, what kind of things do you like to do, besides taking care of animals?"

She was silent for a moment. Then, the mass of pink and yellow began to tremble.

"I can't do this!" she yelled, before bolting out the door.

"Wow! That's the loudest I've ever heard her speak, before!" Lyra, remarked, watching Fluttershy take off down the street.

"I'm going to make sure she's okay," Bon Bon said, rushing after the timid pegasus.

...

Miss Harshwinny shook your hand before sharply taking her seat across from you. She was wearing a nicer blazer than usual as well as a tie. She pushed a piece of paper towards you.

"What's this?" you asked, looking over it. Names of various stallions, mares, and the occasional griffon were listed, as well as dates and contact information.

"That is a comprehensive list of my dating history," Harshwhinny replied in a professional tone.

"So, a resume?" you replied, raising an eyebrow.

"I suppose you could call it that," the blonde mare replied.

Was... was she treating this like a job interview? The mare always did everything with the most professional of attitudes, but this seemed a little extreme.

"I'm sorry, Miss Harshwhinny, but I don't think, you're a right fit for... this."

"Very well," she said, rising from her seat. "Thank you for this opportunity." She shook your hand one last time, before tucking her dating resume back into her saddlebags and walking away.

"What the fuck just happened?" You, Lyra, and Bon Bon asked in unison.

...

Caramel sat down across from you. "H-hey, hot stuff," he said, trying and failing to sound like a sexy douchebag.

You took a deep breath. This was about to get awkward.

"Caramel," you said, establishing a firm eye contact with him. "I like you and all, but I'm not gay.

"Oh..." he said, dejectedly, looking down at the floor. He slowly got up and left.

You turned to Lyra. "Please, go through the line and tell any guys waiting their turn that I'm not interested."

"Yeah, I probably should have known better," she said, trotting over to the crowd.

...

Rainbow Dash swooped down into the seat across from you, coolly laying a foreleg over the back of the booth. "Sup," she greeted, giving you a casual bro-nod.

"Hey, Dash," you said, smiling at the coolest dude in Ponyville. "Didn't think you'd come out to something as lame as speed dating."

"Pfft," Rainbow dismissed with a wave of her hoof. "I'm not here for that."

"You're not?" You asked. "Then, why did you wait in line and take a turn?"

"I'm just gonna cut to the chase," she replied, sitting up a little straighter. "You are one of the hottest, most desirable stallions in Equestria. I am one of the sexiest, awesomest, most desirable mares in Equestria. But, we're both too busy and cool to be tied down with something like a serious relationship. So, what's say you and I go have a quickie in the bathroom, then arrange another time to do this, again?"

"I..." you pause, unsure of what to make of this. Should you take her up on the offer? What if one of you catches feelings? Would things go further? Would it hurt your friendship? Was this worth the risk? "I'm sorry, Dash," you said, making up your mind. "But that really isn't what I'm looking for."

"Oh," she replied, dejectedly. She stood up and started walking away, before turning back around. "Just so you know," she continued. "In case you change your mind, you know where to find me," she replied with a smirk and a shake of her rump. And with a burst of color, she dashed out the door.

...

Luna, Princess of the Night, sat before you. While you had spent time with her many times before, sharing meals, going for walks, and playing various games with her, you had never thought she was interested in you, romantically. To be honest, the idea was very intimidating. Were you even allowed to reject her, if you didn't think it would work out between you two? What would she do if you did? Oh God, what would Celestia do if you broke her sweet, sensitive, baby sister's heart?

"So, Princess..."

"Please," she said, leaning closer. "Call me Luna. Though, I wouldn't mind being called 'Your Royal Sexiness' when we're alone, later tonight," she said, with a seductive chuckle. You could feel one of her back hooves rubbing up and down your leg, slowly and not-so subtly making it's way up to somewhere that would cause a media shitshow if word leaked to the press.

"So, Luna, why do you think we should date?"

"Because," she said, ceasing her teasing and sitting up to her full height. "I called dibs," she responded, proudly placing a regal hoof upon her chest.

"Um, don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of don't think I could handle the pressure of dating royalty," you said.

"What!?" she exclaimed, reeling back as if you had struck her and called her mother a dirty slut.

"Don't take this as a a definitive no," you continued, trying to do as much damage control as possible. "I mean, if I wasn't still trying to work out some personal issues, and had more time to think about this, I might take you up on your offer, but as of right now, I think it would be best if we stayed friends.

"I can't believe this!" the princess screamed, tears forming in her eyes. With a flap of her wings she flew out the door, taking the tower of booze-filled cupcakes with her, leaving behind a few dark feathers and a large satchel of money.

"Mrs. Cake, we're going to need more whiskey cupcakes!" Pinkie called into the kitchen.

...

Thirty-seven. Lyra and Bon Bon had organized dating interviews with thrity-seven ponies, all of whom wanted a piece of that hot, human ass. Quite a few of them had suggested a quickie in the bathroom after you had rejected them, but you declined. For cute ponies in a friendship based society, a lot of them were absolute horndogs.

You collapsed onto your bed. Between moving into a new place and meeting dozens of horny horses, you were exhausted. You noticed the box of hand-me-downs your new roommates had gifted you from the corner of your eye. Now was as good of a time as any to take a look at your new possessions before going to bed.

Lifting one of the cardboard flaps, you began pulling out mystery knick knacks. First was a book on the Great Griffon-Unicorn Foodfight. Then, an Octavia Melody single on vinyl. A framed photo of Lyra that she had autographed. And a battered, dog-eared copy of "Bi-Curious Fillies Monthly". Used porn? Gross. This was definitely Lyra's old spank material, as Bon Bon was too mature to think a ten year old dirty magazine was an appropriate gift. Well, at least it wasn't sticky.

You stared at the cover. A red pegasus playfully winked back at you while a panty-clad earth pony's face was buried in her crotch, preserving some modesty to the cover. Something stirred in your jeans. What the hell? Might as well rub one out real quick. You unzipped and opened to a random page. Before you even looked at whatever gross act was printed, something fell out of the periodical. You reached over and picked it up.

In your hand was a stack of photographs. The one on top showed Lyra and Bon Bon looking seductively at the camera, faces pressed together, with Lyra's horn glowing, obviously operating the camera with her magic.

What are you doing, man? You ask yourself. They clearly didn't mean to give you these. They are your friends and doing this is wrong.

You flipped to the next picture. Same as before, except zoomed out. Lyra was wearing a pair of aqua blue and white striped panties with a matching set of socks, while Bon Bon was wearing the same thing, except in pink. The next picture showed the two of them locked in a sloppy kiss.

You grasp your throbbing cock as you move on to the next photo. Lyra was using one of her front hooves to rub her marefriend's crotch. The earth pony had her eyes shut tight, her mouth open, letting out a moan lost to time.

The next picture switched to Bon Bon's point of view, the mare clearly lying on her back. Lyra was smirking up at the camera, the fur on her face matted with fluids, while her horn glowed, playing with the pink clit below her nose.

You rub faster, enraptured by the images you knew you weren't supposed to have, the guilt making it so much hotter. What would they think if they knew what you were doing? Would they kick you out? What would Twilight say when you came crawling back to her castle?

You flip over to the next picture. Lyra was operating the camera again. She was standing on all fours, smiling, while Bonnie mounted her from behind. Black straps contrasted with her cream coat, supporting a fake phallus that was hidden from view. The next photo depicted Lyra taking it, a pleasured wince painted across her face.

You beat your meat with reckless abandon. All thoughts about how this is wrong were pushed to the back of your mind as you ignored your conscience. For the first time since you got here you weren't thinking about the social taboos you had brought with you from the human world. You had never been more aroused on your life!

The next few pictures were more of the same, with Lyra getting fucked from behind by Bon Bon, both in pure bliss. Finally, the scene changed, with Bon Bon having pulled out of the mint unicorn, proudly displaying the large, dripping wet dong while Lyra's eyes rolled into the back of her head in orgasmic ecstasy. How the fuck had she fit that things inside of her?

You flipped to the final photo. The two mares were locked into an intense kiss around the sex toy, tasting the unicorn's love nectar.

"FUCK!" you shouted as you reached your climax. Your vision went white as you collapsed backwards. You felt light headed as you sprayed your seed across the room, making a mess with your shame. Your whole body twitched and spasmed for a full minute in agonizing ecstasy while your cock pumped its load, ruining your once clean shirt.

Finally, everything died down, and you lay in a disgusting mess of your own cum and shame. You basked in the silence of the greatest fap you had ever had in your life, and in your post-orgasmic haze you realized something:

You were a shitty fucking friend.