Opportunistic Pragmatism

“Why me?” I ask my companions.

“Anyone would be better than Steel Claw.” The brown griffon with a white head explained.

“Yes, anyone would be better than that bastard” I agree while pointing to the corpse of my commanding officer, my shovel still stuck in the guys throat. “But why me?”

“Because it’s your shovel?” The griffon tries.

I sigh. You know what? Fuck it. I’m going to do this cunts job and maybe even get a proper weapon for it.” I say while yanking my shovel out of the guys throat, I clip it onto the belt that was generously provided to each of us soldiers. “He died due to a snakebite by the way.”

The four griffons that I now ‘command’ nodded.

And so my first assignment begins with a mutiny, I’m sure nobody will care enough to notice we suffered a casualty. We carry on to a town that’s not marked on any maps in order to complete our mission. Officially we are here to ‘investigate the area’ but what we are actually supposed to do is draft ponies and/or take over the town.

The guys in charge were even kind enough to inform us about equestrian laws regarding land ownership. The specific piece of desert that this town is in is actually unclaimed by any nation due to the border tension it would cause or whatever. But if this land is now claimed by that nameless town, and that nameless town decides to fly the flags of Gryphonia, then it is ours by law.

It makes no fucking sense to me but what do I know about law and politics? I woke up naked in the street and pretty much got conscripted on the spot.

And look how far I’ve come! I have slightly uncomfortable clothes that are a mixture of cloth and leather colored dark green, a one handed shovel, a crossbow that makes up for its complete lack of precision by being nigh indestructible and a fancy looking ‘officers cap’ with a black band running round it. If my outfit doesn’t scream ‘Off to gulag with you!’ I don’t know what does.

Anyway, me and ‘my’ squad walk into this town with our crossbows drawn and slowly make our way down the dusty road. My fellow conscripts are eyeing the residents, their claws hovering millimeters away from the triggers. I honestly don’t blame them, the residents aren’t exactly normal.

First off, they are multicolored horse creatures. And not just that, they are racially diverse horse people! There is the generic ‘I walk on the the floor ones’ and then there is the ones with fucking wings, there are flying horses hovering around.

Secondly, the all have really creepy grins stuck to their faces. And I mean like them ‘I smile to hide the pain’ grins where the person actually tries to show you all their teeth.

Oh crap one of them is walking towards me, it’s a white ‘I use the floor’ horse.

“Wait for me at those benches, if you shoot someone I’ll personally skin you.” I say while pointing to some convenient benches. The four griffons nod and actually do as I said, I am so proud right now.

“Welcome!”

Oh yeah, the white horse walked up to me didn’t it. At least it speaks English.

I put on my thickest Russian accent. “Ello comrade!”

“My name is Double Diamond and I welcome you to our village!” The white horse beams at me.

“Are you in charge here, Double Diamond?” I drop the accent.

“Oh no, that would be our founder! Starlight has-“

“I am afraid I have urgent news, please take me to starlight.” I cut off the white horse

“It is the house down the road, say hello to Starlight to me!” The horse points towards the house and trots off to talk with my fellow conscripts.

I walk up to the house without any further interruptions and knock. The door seems to open by itself so I let myself in.

And what do I see but a fucking PINK UNICORN sorting out a bookshelf or something. She, I assume it is a she, throws one of her hooves out in a motion that I guess means ‘go on’.

“Greetings comrade.” At the word ‘comrade’ the unicorns ear perk up. “I come bearing bad news!”

Starlight turns around and inspects me, she chooses to comment on my uniform rather than my race. Starlight just earned herself some brownie points.

“Gryphonia officer in my simple town? What do I owe this visit to?” She asks, picking her words carefully.

“Conscript.” I correct her. “And you can cut the formalities. My squad was sent here to live in your village, I am afraid you can’t say no, and to win you and your land over.”

“My land?”

“By erecting this village you have claimed a neutral zone between Equestria and Gryphonia.”

“What would happen if I say no?”

“First, me and my squad would get executed for failure. Second, you will likely get the same offer from an Equestrian. Third, your town would be the first to fall in case of war.”

The unicorn takes a minute to think this over.

“And if I say yes?”

Okay, now to lather on the honey. “If you are lucky you would become a noble, a lesser one but still a noble. Your town would be militarized and expanded. You would be expected to lead and provide soldiers in case of war. My squad would be under your direct command. There wou-“

“When is my reply required?” The unicorn cuts me off.

“I believe the griffon in charge of mail should come by in two days.”

The unicorn thinks about this for some time so I make myself comfortable on her couch and inspect my crossbow while I wait.

The thing is mostly made of metal, the front of it has a knife built in for melee combat in case of emergency. The crossbow has no sights so when you fire you have to do it by eye, if you are lucky the arrow will get launched in a direction you weren’t aiming and hit the intended target.

“How many of you are there?” Starlight interrupts my weapon inspection.

“All together five.” I respond without looking up from my weapon.

“I have decided to wait and see if an Equestrian diplomat offers me a better deal, until then your deal is considered accepted.”

Now THAT is good news, no execution for me! “We need housing and food, orders are optional.”

The unicorn grins. “You can stay in my house until your barracks is built.”

“So generous of you, Lady Starlight. I will let my squad know.” I say as I leave.