I always have to be the bad guy don't I? But I like it!
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I always have to be the bad guy don't I? But I like it!
Hello, my name is Jake, average name, bad life. Ya see in all my life everyone thought I was this badass mean dude who could get anyone with bad intentions on his side, no matter how bad it was, hell they say I could change someone's objectives in life. In all honesty I never wanted a life like that, having minions was cool though, they get you stuff and perform jobs for you and if they got mad at you for something all you had to do was yell at them and they would shut up!
Anyway, when I arrived in Equestria I was previously trying to change a tire on my car cause it broke down in the middle of nowhere.
“Dammit!” I kicked my stupid ford truck and sighed, leaning against it now. “I guess this is why they call fords Fucking Obsolete Road Devices.” I laughed at that, my dad told me that when I was young and I guess I forgot that when I bought a car. “Damn, might need to call up a minion.” I mumbled and went for my cellphone when I heard a faint voice. “Hello?” I spun around to see if anyone was behind me. I heard the voice again after a moment, this time I could tell it was female.
“Help.....” The ever so faint voice choked.
“Hold on!” Being the idiot I am I dashed out into the forest near where my car was being a piece of shit. I ran and ran as the voice got louder, pleading for help all the while I was running. The forest got darker and darker, but still had enough light to see. I finally got to a cliff with shitty rope bridge stretching across it. “Dammit all to hell!” I gulped and looked down, damn that is far. “Not a good time to have fear of heights.” I grumbled and began making my way over the bridge. The creaking was loud and the bridge sounded as though it was going to snap under my weight at any moment. After that almost heart attack inspiring moment I began to run again. After almost a half hour of running I came to the enormous castle I would assume to be in the middle of this forest.
“Man, that kinda cool.” I chuckled. “Now, where is she?” I made my way to the large door that was the entrance. “Wow!” I looked at the inside awestruck, sure it was cracked everywhere and moss and vines were growing on the walls and floor, but it was still a amazing place! There was some large pedestal thing in the middle of the room with a shadow being cast on the other side, it look like the shadow of women! “Hold on!” I ran to the other side and saw...
A very large dark mass in the shape of a very attractive women, FUCK! The dark mass looked at me and morphed into a dark blue cloud with sparkles in it. “That, is the last time I let my good side get to me...” I mumbled as the cloud zoomed over to me and covered my head. Being smart I held my breath do it couldn't get in.
“ARGH! Let me in you fool!” Ok, that’s two weird things that have happened today, a mighty morphin cloud that can talk. I waved my hand at it to move it away from my mouth so I could talk, and surprisingly it obliged.
“Listen lady....Cloud....Thing! I don’t really take kindly to things trying to take over my body unless its something really weird a girl wants to try and I’m in a good mood!” I pointed at the cloud as I shouted. “And I don’t think you're up for something like that! and I don’t think I can do that to a cloud, but I’m willin to try.” I grinned devilishly at it. It stuttered for a moment then I burst out laughing. “I’m kidding! I’m kiddin! Jeez, no one can take a joke anymore.” I leaned up and looked at the cloud, it now just hovering there,
“Who are you?” I see where this is going, time for a new minion.
“I’m Jake, leader of the Firestarters and ender of eastern gangs, conqueror of the west side, metaphorical ruler of New York!” Thank you #205 for that speech, 20 bucks to you! The cloud seemed awestruck, I think.
“You were a king?” It asked as if it were floating over a landmine trying to get closer to me.
“You can say that.” I grinned. “Now, about that time you covered my head and tried to take over my body.” She stopped right where she was and began to stutter words out. “Listen.” She shut up. “Tell me who you are and what your motives were, and I’ll think about forgiving you.” Of course I was bluffing, this thing could kill me if it was a poisonous gas that made me go loopy.
“I, am the Nightmare, bringer of eternal night!” Hmm, that didn’t seem too easy, I mean having the sun blocked out and stuff? That would take a while.
“Right, so your name is Nightmare and you like everything dark?.........I’m not going to comment on that.” I sighed, forgetting the emo joke I was whipping up. “Now why did you want to take over my body? That was left unanswered in your title.”
“I wished to take it over and conquer Equestria.”
“What’s Equestria?” I asked like an idiot, I thought I heard that somewhere before.
“Equestria is the kingdome of peace, ruled by ponies-”
“I’mma stop you right there.” I waved my hands. “So you're saying I’m somewhere near a world full of ponies? Really?” I was not amused, bronies pissed me off enough but the ponies just suck.
“Yes, I hate every single one of them!” Well that’s new, I think I’m going to like this cloud.
“Alright then, well bye!” I turned and began heading for the exit when the cloud whipped past me.
“No! I could use your help!” I put my hand up to my chin in thought...
Then stepped past it and kept going. “WAIT!” It went ahead of me again and I sighed. “I will give you anything you want!”
“Power?”
“Endless!”
“Money?”
“All the bits in the world shall be yours!”
“Women?”
“U-um... I shall get you only the most attractive mares!”
“I’m out.” I said as I walked past the cloud with one hand waving waving at the cloud.
“COME ON!” It flew next to me. “What do I have to do?! Say please?” I stopped and looked at it.
“You're the first minion to every ask if that was necessary, I am quite shocked.” I kinda glared at it.
“Minion!? I-I mean...” She got very nervous under my glare. “P-please help me take over Equestria.”
“Why should I? I had a good life, full of minions that loved me and did anything I wanted, a good looking girlfriend, and a shit ford.” I grumbled that last part. “Now why in all the seven rings of hell should I help you take over ONE nation hmm? What good would come out of it for ME!?” I think the cloud flinched, good job logic.
“U-um, you get to do anything you want as soon as we’re done?” ….Damn I hate my hyper mind, must, resist...
“You know what? Fine, you have five minutes in this body. FIVE!” I paused and waited for the cloud to envelop me head. Then I took a deep breath.
It’s like smoking, except it hurt LIKE A BITCH! I fell on my knees while coughing like crazy and holding my throat, I couldn't breath, it was horrible. When it was over I was panting. “THE FUCK WAS THAT!?”
That is what it feels like to take control of-
“Take over? Bullshit this is still my body.” I looked at my hands, glowing with power. “This feels kinda good, but it’s temporary.” Using my imagination I flicked my hand and out of nowhere a random human female body, after a moment I made cloths for it, HEY I COULDN’T help it! “There, get out and into that, BUT LEAVE SOME POWER!” I waited a moment before I felt the cloud leaving me, this did not hurt as much as before. “There, happy?”
The body slowly rose and she blinked. “What is....This?” She slowly rose he hand to her face and looked at it.
“It’s a hand, and it is awesome.” I grinned and winked at her. “Ok, am I able to fly?” She nodded slowly still looking over her new body. “Alright, so does it work like how I made that body?” She nodded absentmindedly. “.....Bears eat unicorns when they’re pregnant.” She nodded again then stopped and looked at me shocked. “HA! Got ya! MUHAHAHAHAHA!” I focused a bit and picked her up with my mind. “Oh I’m going to love this.” I grinned and picked myself up as well.
“What are you doing!?” She seemed panicked, I wonder why.
“Why, just visiting the locals of course! I want to see who I will be taking over.” I chuckled and we shot out one of the windows, of course it breaking when I hit it so Nightmare wouldn’t get hurt. “Ow.” I muttered as we flew past the forest landscape. “Ok! Need to slow down! Not so powerful stomach here!” I held my stomach as we slowed down. “Jeez, did not expect such a fast lunch.” I grumbled. “So Nightmare.” I turned to her, her hair slowly turning into a swirling cloud of what looked like stars. “What makes you want eternal night?”
“Well.” She got a pissed look when I spun her around a bit while giggling. “STOP THAT!” She yelled and I stopped. “You see there are two princesses, one that rises the sun, and one the moon. I use to inhabit that lunar princess, born of her rage and jealousy.” She continued the story, by the end I understood her ambition, her rage and all that junk.
“I see, well when we’re done with my conquest then I’ll see what we can do with the night thing.” I yawned, the sun was starting to come up, in all honesty I didn’t know it was night time. In about an hour I saw a little town in the distance getting closer. “What’s that?” I pointed at the slowly approaching town.
“That would be Ponyville, home of the elements of harmony.” She told me about the elements, apparently the only things that could stop me, bitch please.
“Right, let’s blow something up and run like little girls.” She looked at me stunned.
“While the sun is up!? Are you crazy!? Celestia will see us!” I looked at her with boredom.
“Why else would I do it? I want her and her sister to know about me, so when they lose the look of hopelessness in their eyes when they fail is all the more satisfying.” I laughed, I don’t like to be evil but when I am evil I’m the best at it.
“Very well, j-just try not to kill any ponies.” I looked at her a bit shocked. After a while of staring at her I just shrugged, sure, no deaths yet. When we were right above the town I landed right on top of a building. Using magic the way I thought it was I looked through the building with a third eye like thing, all empty. I looked at my hand and through of fire, a ball of fire forming in my head and becoming more intense as time went on. I dropped it and the building below me exploded, after a moment I heard screaming through the smoke. I flouted myself up and out of the smoke, looking down on the colorful ponies running around and screaming.
“PONIES OF EQUESTRIA!” I yelled over them. “REMEMBER THIS THE DAY WAR WAS DECLARED ON YOU BY THE NEW MASTER OF YOUR WORLD! SOON WILL YOU FALL TO MY MIGHT AND MAGIC!” Heh, game reference. I shot back up into the sky and picked up Nightmare. “Right then! Let’s get the hell out of here before I get yelled at.” We began flying away when in a sudden flash of light was a HUGE white pony with a flowing rainbow mane and tail along with a sun thing on her ass. “.....Damn.” I grumbled.
“Who are you and why have you tried to harm my ponies?” She almost roared at me, I feel like I’m going to get hurt.
“If you remember correctly I blew up a building and yelled a lot. I never harmed or tired to harm any one of those ponies.” She looked at me with a bemused stare. “What?” I grinned sheepishly.
“No matter, you threaten my ponies therefore you will pay!” Her horn began to glow, and thats my cue to run(Or fly) like hell! I shot to one side and kept going as fast as I could.
“We’re heading for the badlands!” Nightmare yelled over the winds. “Slow down! She can’t follow us this far!” I slowed to a stop while panting, why the hell was that so tiring?
“Alright, if she can’t follow us this far we should go in a little farther and set up base.” I said while flouting farther in. “For a huge white horse she was surprisingly scary.”
“She can’t be beat on her own land unless it is by another alicorn.” Nightmare grumbled. “If so then she is very easy to beat.” I looked at her and sighed.
“That makes my job harder.” I landed on a hill side. “Right, so I have to do a WHOLE bunch of planning and get a proper hideout built. Plan!” I turned to Nightmare. “You find a way to mess with stuff around and make a base and I’ll muck around Equestria, sound good?” She looked at me for a little while before nodded.
“Very well, I will construct a castle for you.” She seemed a bit disappointed.
“Make sure there’s a big bed in my room, I might need it later if you know what I mean.” I winked at her and flew off, leaving her red faced. “She not going to do it is she?” I talk to no one in particular as I neared the Equestrian border.
Achievement get! What the hell are you again?
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Achievement get! What the hell are you again?
Sneaking into a nation was kinda easy, all you have to do is get past the shit tons of pony guards the matriarch as just deployed to keep people (Like me) out. I climbed the fence and dropped onto the ground with a *Thud* and a *Ow...* and dove behind a cactus as a guard started walking by. “Why are they all white?” I mumbled as he walked past. I began a mad dash further into the desert area towards where I flew away from that one town, I was actually following the path I took a few hours ago. As I ran the land got greener and forest-ier the father I went until finally I made it to the small little pony town I was in not too long ago. “Good times...” I sighed happily as I slid down a gravel hill. As I neared the bottom of the hill the thought hit me that the ponies might remember a tall hairless thing. “Damn, I need to change.” I muttered and thought for a moment. “Oh wait, I have magic! DAH!” I imagined myself changing into a pony with a gray mane and tail, a white pelt, and a horn. When I opened my eyes I was shorter, when I held up a han- I mean hoof it was white.
“YES! It worked! Now to get in there and think of something awesome to do.” I found it surprisingly easy to walk so I made my way happily into the town. Without knowing it I gave myself the mark of a shield on my arse like one of those guard ponies, so I got a tons of respect and stuff but the fact they looked at my ass to figure out to show respect kinda disturbed me. After a while of acting like a big shot a random pony with a dark purple coat and flowers on her bum walked up to me.
“Hello sir, are you a off duty guard?” I had to think about this for a moment, on the down side she would get angry with me (For some reason) and kick my face in, and on the plus side I could get payed or something.
“Yes I am, can I help you with something?” She got a happier look and shook my hoof.
“Yes, I’m Cheerilee and I was hoping you would come with me and my class to Canterlot for a walk through the royal gardens.” So I get to go to a big city at the beginning of my adventure? So glad I payed $50 for this game.
“Alright, I had nothing better going on anyway.” She did a clapping motion and made me follow her through town and to a train station that was almost packed with smaller ponies, like kids I guess.
“Alright kids! Everypony on the train for Canterlot!” They all ‘YAY!’ed and piled onto the train. I followed Cheerilee onto the train and sat next to her. “So what’s your name if I can ask.”
“Jake.”
“Well mister Jake, what kind of adventures have you been on, being in your line of work and everything.” As soon as that question left her mouth ALL the kids turn to me with curious eyes.
“Um, well this one time I stopped a bank robbery.” ‘Ooh’s and ‘Ah’s filled the train and the whole ride I made up stories of life threatening adventures. When the train stopped I was half way through a story about how I saved the princess from a dragon. “Story time over.” I laughed when they all went ‘AWWWWWWW!’, hey it was funny. We got off the train and I was saluted by some guards, I hope this mark didn’t mean a high rank or someone might yell at me. We walked through the streets, high class looking ponies complementing my mane or something and guards gave me a salute every time we passed them. Sooner or later we got to the castle gates.
“Excuse me while I get our passes.” Cheerilee said while she began rummaging around in some sorta saddle bags.
“No need.” I said and approached one of the guards at the gate. “Open up, I promised these young ones a tour of the gardens.” The guard nodded rapidly and ran into a door to the side of the main gate. “You!” I spun around and looked at the other guard, he shot into a salut. “What’s my rank?” I asked in a quiz like voice, to make it seem like I was testing him.
“High commander! Rivaled only by the captain of the guard! SIR!” He said in the most ‘unworthy’ sounding voice ever, as if I was going to turn him into a snail and cover him in salt.
“Who is captain of the guard?” I asked, still quizzing him.
“Captain Shining Armor! SIR!” This was a funniest thing I ever done.
“Very good, keep up the good work.” I dismissed as the gates opened. “Alright, everypony in.” Did I just say everypony? I need to get out of here soon. Out of pure random I led them to the gardens. “Ok miss Cheerilee, teach your class.” She nodded and went to explaining some statues I let my mind wonder by this point. At some point I saw a large dark pony with both wings and a horn leave the gardens. “Wonder who he is...” I muttered, after about two hours Cheerilee came back with the kids, three were kinda fighting but when they saw me they stopped as if I would chew them out like a drill sergeant. “Hey there, everypony have a good time?” There I go again. They all nodded excitedly. “Good, I guess you should head on out then, I have to check some things here.” They all nodded again and walked off back towards the gates. “Now it’s time for my walk around the garden, see if I can’t get away with setting stuff on fire.” I giggled darkly and began to walk around the garden looking for something that would take a while to find if it were set on fire.
Soon I came to a cracked statute that looked like something sewn together with a bunch of creatures while the person doing yawned. “Damn, you ugly.” I chuckled.
“You’re not such a looker yourself.” Ouch, burned by a statue. “Mind getting me out of here? I know your a pony but if you look deep into your heart you’ll-” I slowly shifted back into my human form with my nightmare armor equipped.
“What heart?” I grinned evilly and put a hand up to my chin. “I was right, you're a fugly bastard, and your a kissass, I can see it now.”
“You dare mock me?”
“Damn straight, who are you anyway?” I asked while raising an eyebrow at the building block menace.
“I, am Discord, spirit of disharmony.”
“You kinda sound like Q from star track.” I deadpanned, no really he sounded like him! The statue couldn’t move but I could tell he had a bemused look. “You mad bro?” I put on my best troll face.
“I mad, mad cause you won’t let me out!” He almost growled at me.
“Now that’s no way to ask for help, I got five minutes here before princess Peach finds out I’m here and decides to kick my ass back to the badlands. Now ask nicely.” I grinned devilishly at the statue, who sighed in annoyance.
“Can you please help me get free?”
“And promise to serve me if what ever your going to do fails.” This made him laugh, it always makes those arrogant ones laugh.
“Oh very well, it is not very likely I will lose or fail, how about when I’m ruling everything you serve me?”
“Deal!” I flouted right up to where the crack was on his chest and poked it with a little bit of power, making the stone crumble away and showing the mighty patchwork whatever in full glory. “PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON! You look way too human to be running around naked!” When I looked again he was wearing a tie. “.....Better.” I commented. “Now go! Do what ever it was you were going to do and when you end up like before I’ll come pick you up, ciao.” I snapped my fingers and teleported where I had left Nightmare, which was replaced with a huge dark hall with a throne at one end, and a large set of double door at the other end. “Damn girl, you work fast!” I complimented as I looked around. She put up suits of armor that looked like humans, torches, a chandelier, everything to make a castle look fancy.
“I looked into your mind and saw a castle that seemed to fit you.” I spun around to see her suddenly sitting on the throne, damn she looked good. “I even made the creatures that were in the castle to guard the many halls.” Oh my god this girl was after my heart, I swear. She got up and began walking towards me shakily, I forgot she was originally a cloud and therefore had no legs, but those legs, DAYYYYYYUUUUMM!
“You did wonderfully with the place dear, now make me a sandwich.” Too much? I was about to say I was kidding when a sandwich slapped me in the face. “Oh, thank you.”
“Your welcome.” She said as if there were no problems. I walked over to the throne while munching on the sandwich and took a seat.
“Now my dear, we wait for stupidity to give us a new minion.” I chuckled as I finished the sandwich.
---A few hours later.---
I must have fallen asleep cause when I woke up Nightmare was sitting on my lap, leaned up against me, and sleeping. “Aww.” I whispered and picked her up. I got up and set her in the throne as not to wake her up. “Now to return to the garden place and pick up Discord.” I chuckled and teleported to the garden area, imagine the surprised looks of the guards when I popped up out of nowhere right in front of stoned Discord. “Sup boys? I’ll just be taking this idiot and be on my way.” I snapped my fingers and the guards passed out. I snapped them again and the statute of Discord detached itself from its perch and flouted over and next to me. “We’re out.” I chuckled and snapped my fingers, returning to the castle.
--- Later that night.---
“Ya let ‘em DO WHAT?!”
Cheerilee shrunk in fear. Eldorado was making a fool out of her in front of the whole neighborhood watch group. He leaned over her, as if he felt higher up than her.
“I-I’m sorry,” she wimpered, “We needed another chaperone, and I couldn’t get Miss Sparkle to come! Please, forgive me.”
“WHAT IF ‘DIS GUY WAS SOME SORTA FOAL MOLESTER? THEN WHAT?”
“He looked legitimate,” she fired back, “He had the same haircut and everything!”
“Well,” Eldorado growled back, “Ghost from ‘dat True Capitalist Radio thing has a Southern Accent, and ah do too. DOES THAT MAKE MEH GHOST?!”
The old pegasus calmed down, and began to practice deep breathing.
“These are strange tahms, mah little ponies. Hooves’s house got BLOWN UP today, and there’s been reports to stay off major highways, ‘cuz they’ve turned to SOAP! Whatever is happening, ah’m gettin’ to the bottom of it. Celestia made meh Ponyville’s communiteh leader in case of an emergency back in ‘52, mainly for nukes, and ah believe this is ‘da time where ah need to STEP UP to ‘da call ‘o duty.”
“You mean, like, the video ga-?”
“SHUT YO’ ASS, SNAILS, WE AIN’T GOT TAHM FOR ‘DAT CRAP! Look, ponies, this is SERIOUS. Y’all sleep tight, though, I’mma find the sumbitch responsible, and GIVE ‘EM JUSTICE! Meetin’ adjourned.”