You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Hello, I’m Andrew Eugene Shepherd. The first human to make it to Equestria, the world of talking magic ponies. I’m also the first modern human to try to make it a home. I have had a tendency to get into crazy situations, most of which end with me in the hospital. It’s not a safe place, but then, Earth isn’t safe either. Life in general isn’t safe.

Yet we still soldier on and muster up the courage to get out our doors. Because even if the world isn’t safe, there’s a lot that makes the trip worth it. Like relating to our fellow beings and building strong, lasting friendships: Helping our friends through tough situations, because they would do the same for you.

It’s especially important here in Equestria, where Friendship can be turned into a gigantic rainbow death ray. Usually by the pony I was visiting with in her treehouse library. Originally, it had been to fix a broken bookshelf. It’s something I’ve done before: Having hands has made me a very handy person to have around Ponyville.

However, it seemed that I needed to try to fix something else. I came to this conclusion based on how Twilight Sparkle, apprentice of Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria, was frantically pacing in the library she called home.

“Uh, Miss Sparkle?” I asked hesitantly. “You all right?”

Twilight froze. I blinked, and opened my mouth. She snapped her head to me, her eyes wild. I felt the very strong urge to run away, but I held my ground.

“Is everything okay-?”

“ANDREW SHEPHERD!” Twilight cried. I felt the telekinesis of the unicorn grab me: It made my skin tingle as I was bodily yanked off my feet and right up to her.

“UWAH!”

“Andrew Shepherd! The only human in Equestria!” Twilight cried, her grin wide and unsettling. “Isolated from his own people and often hurt! Surely, surely you have a friendship problem I can resolve and write Princess Celestia about!”

“Uhhh… No? Not really?” I managed to squeak out. I smiled nervously at her, trying to control my pounding heart. She could probably smell my fear.

The purple unicorn giggled in a manner that made me want to pee. “That’s silly! You’re an alien stranded on another world without any of your fellow humans to talk to!” Twilight pushed me up against the nearest wall, her nose still pressed against mine. “You must have problems!”

“I-I do! I do!” I insisted. “But nothing to do with friendship!”

“You HAVE. TO HAVE. A PROBLEM. I CAN SOLVE!” She bellowed, her eyes twitching in opposite directions. “NOW GIVE ME IT!”

“Okay, done with this now,” I stated. I reached up and grasped her horn. The unicorn gasped, her eyes crossing back the opposite way. My other hand? I moved that up to behind her ears, and scritched like I’d never scritched before! Twilight groaned, her jaw going slack. Slowly, her magic grip released me, and I could stand on my two feet again. I kept up the scritching, hard, and rubbing up and down her horn.

… Whatever you’re thinking, shut up.

“Ooooh… N-No… Don’t…!” Twilight moaned. I shook my head and patted the top of hers.

“No. Take deep breaths. Calm down,” I said. “Just keep taking deep breaths… That’s it…”

Twilight obeyed, her cheeks bright red but her face returned to a semblance of normality. I knelt down and smiled at her.

“All right… What’s wrong?” I asked. Twilight trembled, near tears.

“I-I’ve been sending a friendship report to Princess Celestia every week for the last year, and I… I don’t have one this week!” She cried. “I’m supposed to be studying the magic of friendship and I-I don’t have anything!”

“Well can’t you just write her about something else?” I asked kindly. Twilight glared, shaking her head violently and making me withdraw my hands.

"You don't get it! It has to be a FRIENDSHIP REPORT! It has to be ABOUT FRIENDSHIP!" She shouted. She held her hooves over her head. “Oh Celestia, she’ll be so disappointed-She’ll send me back to magic kindergarten-I’ve failed, I’ve failed, I’ve-!”

I sighed, and hugged her. “It’s all right, it’s all right,” I said. “I’m sure it’s not that big a deal-”

“IT IS A BIG DEAL!” Twilight shouted. “I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING I CAN SEND HER!”

I stared down at the shaking unicorn. She was nearly sobbing out of fright and dread. I closed my eyes and took a deep, deep breath. I had the distinct impression I would regret this, but...

"Okay, okay, okay, hang on... Um, look. Twilight, you might think this is kind of weird-" I began. Her eyes snapped up to lock onto mine, desperate.

"What is it?! What could be weird?!” She demanded. “I promise you, I absolutely will not judge you for anything weird!"

This wasn’t going well.

"You shouting isn't very encouraging-" I tried, before she shoved me up against the wall again-This time with her hooves. She was making the crazy face again.

"WHAT IS IT?! TELL ME NOWWWWW!" Twilight screamed. Which made me scream back.

"I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO PONIES! LIKE YOU! SPECIFICALLY YOU!" I admitted in terror. Twilight gaped in shock, and that was enough to bring her to her senses. She blushed, and stepped back.

"... Wait... You... you're... Attracted to me?!" Twilight gasped.

I groaned, looking away, my own cheeks bright red. I rubbed my face, before looking back at her.

"Yes! ... I mean, I'm a sapient tool using mammal, you're a sapient tool using mammal…” She looked confused, and I shook my head. “Okay not the greatest start-Let me start over?”

“I… yes, of course,” Twilight said quietly. She rested a hoof on my knee. “Go on…?”

“I'm attracted to you,” I tried again, “because of your intelligence and kindness and charisma and... Also physically? Which is kind of weird for me. I didn’t think I could be attracted to aliens, but who knew?”

“Why is this a bad thing?” Twilight asked. She blushed hard. “I actually find you attractive, and you’re an alien,” she admitted quietly.

“I… Well thanks,” I said with a shy smile. “But on my planet, it’s a taboo to be attracted to other species. Mainly because all the other species aren’t sapient, you know? So being attracted to beings that resemble livestock is just, you know, kind of weird for me. I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

I steeled myself, and smiled at her in a mix of trepidation and hope.

“So maybe you could help me with it?”

Twilight beamed. Like all the stress and anxiety vanished and all was right with the world. She hugged me tightly, and I returned the embrave.

"THAT'S PERFECT! THAT'S A FRIENDSHIP PROBLEM TO SOLVE!" She cried. She nuzzled me. “THANK YOU!”

"I-Sure-Okay,” I replied with a smile. I reached up to rub her head. “So... I guess we talk about the issue and-?"

Twilight shook her head. She used her magic to shut and lock the door, as well as close all the curtains that had been letting the light of the setting sun in. I gulped as she turned back to me: She was looking manic again.

"NO TIME!” She cried. “We need to resolve your attraction to me RIGHT NOW! So... “ She blushed, but there was a fire in her eyes there hadn’t been before.

“KISS ME!"

I tried to back away again-Right into the wall. I held up my hands and smiled, as charmingly as I could manage.

"Woah! Hang on a second! I’m willing to help but we need to-!”

My clothes vanished in a magical burst of light. Twilight pounced on me, her breath hot against my face. It was in this moment I knew… I was screwed. Figuratively...

"I’m not going back to magical kindergarten, Shepherd!” She cried. She narrowed her eyes. “NOW KISS ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT!"

And very literally.

Dear Princess Celestia,

As it turns out, Shepherd has had trouble with the fact he is attracted to ponies. Since we’re not of his species he wasn’t sure how to handle it. But I helped resolve things, and we’re both much better for the experience. I went a little overboard, I’m afraid, but he was able to show me how my anxiety was unwarranted. Now I have a whole new series of things to tell you about! The magic… Of romance.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Enclosed are several pictures with comparisons to positions in sources I have included at the bottom. I hope you can provide feedback on whether or not we’re doing things properly.

Princess Celestia looked over the scroll a few more times. She looked over the pictures. She raised an eyebrow.

“Well… I certainly never taught her that.”

- - -

Author's Note

Clop is coming next chapter. Just wanted to get started with this while I had time. Yes, it's the same Andrew Shepherd from "Hands" but this is a different universe. More focused on clop and comedy than comedy and action. Let's see if I'm any good at actual clop...