You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

So, there’s an entire genre of fiction about a normal Earth human ending up in a strange, magical world of fantasy and adventure. In Japan it’s called ‘isekai’. It is a wish fulfillment fantasy of course, but that’s what fiction is for! And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to escape the real world and get away from it all. At least for a little while.

Of course, people writing this stuff never had the real thing happen to them. With no means of getting home. Surrounded by aliens in a chaotic world of gigantic monsters and living gods. Of having to actually count the minutes as time went by. Of being hunted and terrified. Of being isolated.

“Shepherd!”

A bright and happy female voice broke into my thoughts, and I turned from my brooding. Twilight Sparkle was there, beaming like the sun and lighting up the library. I returned the smile, my dark mood vanishing.

Hey, it wasn’t like it was all doom and gloom.

“Yes Twilight?” I asked with a grin. She floated a book in front of me. I took it into my hands, and blew the dust off it.

“I found a book on humans!” She said happily. I raised an eyebrow.

“‘To Serve Man’?” I asked. Twilight nodded.

“It’s a cookbook!” She said cheerfully. I began thumbing through the pages, and was relieved-Yes, it was a cookbook. But not to make food from humans. Just food for humans.

Seriously though, was this entire world just built on puns? Or was that how the magic that let us understand each other translated everything?

Oh right, Twilight was still talking.

“Yes! This means humans have been in Equestria before!” Twilight said happily. “It’s hard to find out more though, because the legends about them are so old! This book was kept in a preservation spell enchanted safe! It’s so ancient, but it was kept like it was just a few decades old! Don’t you just love the smell of old books?”

“I really do,” I said happily. I nuzzled her happily. She beamed, and sucked in a deep breath through her nostrils. She nuzzled me back more eagerly.

“So, do you like it?” She asked. I beamed.

“I love it! I’d be happy to put it to good use once I get some meat,” I said. Twilight hummed.

“I’ll be much happier if I get some meat soon,” she said.

I blinked. “But I thought you were an herbivore.”

Twilight flushed. “Um, I was referring to… A different kind of meat. You know?” She beamed. “I’m trying sexual innuendos, as part of my research into romance. What do you think?”

“It uh… It’s all in the presentation,” I said. Twilight drooped a bit. I beamed. “But I bet somepony still wants to have sex while reading her new book!”

Twilight blushed, and her jaw dropped. She began panting. “Y-You mean… We can… Do it while reading?!” She gasped. I nodded.

“Yes. You can actually combine a lot of things with sex-GAH!”

She pounced like a tiger in heat.

“TAKE ME NOW!”

And that was the last anyone saw of us for a while.

Of course, another part of many series in Isekei fiction is getting the girl. I suppose I did get that. Not by slaying a dragon or anything like that. Though I suppose calming down an irate, superpowered unicorn by banging her is kind of the same? If it was a hentai isekei, anyway.

If I was being honest though, it was more like she’d gotten me. I mean, I was a poor alien with few marketable skills and she’s the apprentice to the Princess herself. I felt like a cabana boy.

So I decided to make myself useful however I could. Namely, in help with Twilight’s research.

“So, males find fighting to be a form of friendship?” Twilight asked, fascinated, as we walked towards Sweet Apple Acres. It was a beautiful day out and I was going out to fix the plumbing.

“With the right friend, yes,” I said. “If you’re fighting a friend, you’re pushing each other to grow stronger with someone you trust. There’s a difference between a bad fight, and a good fight.”

Twilight was furiously writing this down in her notebook, nodding eagerly. “Yes! It’s a means of letting out aggression in a healthy way to improve one another, and thus the bonds of friendship for an entire group!” She grinned up at me. “Thank you for this insight, Shepherd!”

“It’s no problem,” I said with a smile. “More than likely the stallions of your race have similar bonding methods.”

“It’s just that, female and male views of friendship can be so different,” Twilight explained, “and it’s hard to understand at times! But there’s nothing wrong with those differences.” She beamed. “It’s great to learn about these things!”

“Without a chaotic adventure that nearly ends the world?” I asked dryly. Twilight blushed hard, and shrugs.

“It just… Sort of happens,” she said. I reached out and rubbed the top of her head, making her whinny happily.

“I suppose being a hero who has saved the world twice attracts more attention,” I said. “Or more responsibility. That attracts more attention.”

“Huh, I wonder if it does?” Twilight murmured, looking thoughtful. “Given that magic does allow for limited reality bending, maybe it also affects the probability? So the odds of stranger things increases the more magical power is involved…” She muttered to herself, and writing down strange looking mathematical formulae on paper. She kept trotting away, and I had to bump her to the side to avoid running into the fence surrounding Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight started, and blushed.

“Oh, sorry. I got a little carried away,” she said. She tucked that notebook away into a saddlebag. “One science experiment at a time!”

“Yeah, about that,” I began as we headed up to the house. “What sort of experiment are we talking about here? It won’t involve my dissection, right?”

“Of course it won’t!” Twilight cried. “But it will involve exploration of romance!”

“Okay, so,” I started, as we went up to the front door, “what kind of romance?”

Twilight knocked on the door with her hoof. Applejack opened it, greeting us with a wide smile.

“Howdy Twilight! Howdy Shepherd!” Applejack said happily. “So, what’s this here experiment about, anyhow?”

“I’m glad you asked, Applejack,” Twilight said happily. “It will start with a nice, simple interview. To establish romantic wants and desires.”

“Oh,” I said with a nod. The orange farmpony nodded back. We both looked relieved.

“And then,” Twilight continued, still with that maddeningly cheerful smile, “sexual compatibility!”

“Wait, what?” We both asked at the same time.

Author's Note

I think I'll alternate clop with non-clop chapters.