You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release. The following contains adult content and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.

So, I don’t think Captain Kirk quite had this in mind for making it with alien women. I don’t think anyone did. And I’m still kind of freaked out about how… Easy it was to adapt.

Well, okay, maybe not that easily. It was still weird, in some ways. Okay, many ways. It was like having sex with a human woman who had pony legs, a pony tail, a pony-ish head, had short fur all over her body-That isn't helping. That really isn't helping.

But at the end of the day, I still had a sexy threesome with two alien girls. That they resembled equines in some way was irrelevant-My penis didn’t care.

The fact I’d pounded them until they’d both passed out from orgasms was also another major boost to the old pride.

Of course, that had come with having to frantically wake Twilight up to use magic to clean up minutes before the rest of the Apple Clan had returned. We’d just narrowly made it, though the little smirk Granny Smith had shot me as I explained Applejack had been put under an experimental sleeping spell told me she wasn’t entirely convinced.

Well, at least Big Macintosh had been fooled. I hoped.

I hadn’t been bucked through a tree so I was probably safe for now.

In any event, Twilight and I adjourned to her treehouse/library and she began writing down her findings eagerly. I sat by her at the table, as she happily inscribed all her thoughts and feelings, occasionally asking me questions. Questions I dutifully answered.

“Yes, I did feel a primal sense of accomplishment,” I said. “No I don’t think I can rate it on a scale of 1 to 10… I dunno, let’s call it a 10?”

Definitely a 10. Having this surge in testosterone was amazing.

“Which probably means I’ll need to modify the scales for future experiments,” Twilight commented distractedly, several quills going all over several pieces of parchment.

I sighed, and reached out to scratch her back, dragging my fingernails through her short fur. She groaned and shivered, and gave me a mock angry look.

“Shepherrrrd… I need to get this all down while it’s fresh in my mind!” She whined. I sighed and lifted my hands away from her.

“Fine, fine. I don’t have to give you a back scratch and rub while you work. I absolutely do not have to do that,” I said with a wry grin. Twilight blushed, and worked her jaw as she looked back at her scrolls.

“I-I didn’t say that,” she said. I got up and went over to the other side of the library, to browse the books. I shrugged, pulling out a book at random and flipping through it. Twilight’s scratching with her quills slowed down just a bit.

“No, no, you don’t have to… I may have been hasty-” Twilight began. I shook my head, eyes locked onto the passages.

“Not at all! Not at all, work comes first,” I said. “Actually this is very interesting-I had no idea you had inter-tribal wars between the Ponies. Lots of attempts to conquer the Earth ponies. Lots of failed attempts, that is neat. Then again I’ve met Applejack, the Doctor, and Pinkie Pie so that would explain things,” I said, wandering back. Twilight’s quills nearly slowed to nothing.

“You’d be helping me,” she said.

“No, it’s a distraction. You said it yourself,” I replied, leaning up against the wall of the tree library with a smile, my eyes still on the book. “I’d be distracting you.”

“You’re distracting me now!” Twilight complained. “At least distract me in a pleasant way!”

I looked up at her with a little grin. She scowled at me, but her cheeks were flushed. “This isn’t pleasant? Aren’t we having a pleasant conversation? Right now?”

“It’s less than pleasant for me,” she said. “Why are you so… Flirty and…?” She beamed. “Oh! Increase in male confidence from mating two mares at the same time! This is interesting! You’re flirting with me and talking like-”

“Like Tony Stark,” I said.

“Who?” Twilight asked. I shook my head and smiled.

“I’ll explain later,” I said. “As I recall, someone wanted to combine back scratches with work, right? And not have me flirt with her?”

“The flirting is fine, keep that up. The lack of backscratching is what you have to change,” she said. I shrugged and walked up behind her. I sat down and resumed scratching her. She sighed happily.

Spike the dragon walked in, and let out a low groan. “If you two are going to keep doing stuff like this, can you at least buy me my own house? So I don’t have to see it?”

“Think of it as practice for Rarity, don’t be a pussy,” I commented. Spike blushed heavily.

“I-How am I a cat?!”

“That’s a good question ooohh,” Twilight moaned happily.

I sighed, closing my eyes. The temptation to do evil with this was too great. Thankfully, I am the greatest.

“... Yes you’re like a cat. A soft, usually hairless, wet cat,” I said.

Well I’m all right.

Yeah, Twilight wasn't very happy about learning that bit of slang. Well she kind of was, new knowledge and all. But she didn't like the prank. Which I did apologize for. I'm not an asshole.

And to Spike. Though I had to buy him a lot of Power Ponies comics. Yes, they have comic books.

As compared to Earth's comics? Well that's not really fair. We've had graphic novels for much longer, so the medium hasn't evolved or developed nearly as much. It's more like the Silver Age, with all that it implies. Gwen Stacy has not been killed yet, so to speak.

No Dark Knight Returns, no Watchmen... Subsequently no Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. So no Frank Miller yet. Maybe they'll get it right. Maybe they won't, we'll have to see.

And yes, I know Frank Miller didn't write Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can feel the nerd pedantry from a universe across. I can't remember the names of the guys who did. I just know it was Frank Miller's incredible grittiness that inspired them to parody it. There. We done with the pedantry?

We're never done with the pedantry.

Sorry, bit of a sore point for me.

Anyway, it was probably not that huge a surprise that eventually, the Princesses would find out about Twilight's new relationship. And that she was doing a whole lot of research into it. It wasn't like I didn't think of the potential consequences, I just figured that Princess Celestia would recognize that Twilight Sparkle was a grown mare capable of making her own decisions. And that I wasn't some alien monster trying to impregnate her to take over the planet.

Well I am an alien. Kind of a monster. Impregnation? We'll see. Take over the planet? Not unless you're talking about a fast food franchise. Or maybe a cartoon show. "Shepherd and his Human Hijinks." Good title.

The point is, when I saw Princess Luna and Princess Celestia waiting for me when I returned to the library, I wasn't that surprised.

"Your Majesties," I said with a polite nod. I don't bow or kneel. I'm an American damnit.

They didn't seem to mind, returning the polite nods. Luna was blushing and looking away from me right after though, as her older sister kept smiling.

"Andrew Shepherd," Celestia said, "it is a pleasure to see you again. How are you doing?"

"Well," I said, tucking my tools into a nearby closet. Celestia nodded.

"Busy day?" She asked, indicating my rather dirty clothing. I shrugged.

"Yeah, busy. Ten mares wanted me to fix their plumbing, five more wanted their heaters fixed. One wanted me to plow her flower garden, that's where I just came from." I shrugged. "I'm not complaining about the money though."

Luna's cheeks burned brighter red. Celestia's smile became a bit saucier.

"Oh? Without Twilight Sparkle?" She asked. I shrugged again, stripping off my work jacket.

"She's got her own work to do. Lots of experiments to run, I can handle things myself," I said.

Celestia nodded. "Yes, truly you are a hard working stallion. Earn every bit. I am pleased to see you so industrious!"

I smiled back. "Thank you! I uh... I don't like hand outs," I admitted as I went to the kitchen. I began washing my face and arms, vigorously scrubbing the dirt and sweat away. "So! Is this an official call? State business? Just for tea? I can make tea."

"Tea would be lovely, yes," Celestia said happily. "Luna, how do you take your tea?"

"Um... H-Honey," she murmured. I emerged from the kitchen, drying off with a towel.

"Sure you wouldn't like Shepherd to give you some sugar?" Celestia asked. "Why don't you ask him for some?"

"Um... Shepherd," she murmured, shyly trying to look up at me through her bangs. "Can you give me... Some sugar? For my tea?"

I smiled. She was still so small and cute. "Sure! Not a problem," I said. "Does Twilight know you're coming?" I walked back into the kitchen, put the kettle on the boil, and started pulling together the tea set. Princesses Celestia's voice echoed from the main library room.

"No," Celestia said, "so I expect she'll be quite surprised."

I could already imagine the incoming freakout. I mentally sighed.

"Oh yes, that's one word for it," I admitted. The kettle whistled, and I poured the hot water into the teapot on the tray. I mixed in the tea leaves carefully, until the water was a nice, deep brown. I then let it steep, with the cover on. I got the sugar, honey, and cookies together, waiting a bit longer on the tea. When I was sure it was done, I poured the tea from the pot through a nice filter into the cups, the steam wafting from all of them in a nice, relaxing way. This done, I carefully picked the whole set up, and carried it out. Luna and Celestia were already sitting on a couch, so I sat in the chair facing them after carefully depositing the tea set onto the table between us. I snagged a cup and cookie after they had taken theirs with magic, and I chewed on the cookie thoughtfully. Celestia was still smiling that strange, almost saucy smile of hers. Luna still was blushing. I frowned deeply.

"So," I began, trying to probe for answers with my usual subtlety, "is this where I get the shovel speech? You can make it, if you'd like."

Celestia's smile didn't waver. "Shovel speech?" She asked. Luna perked up in curiosity. I grimaced, but pressed on.

"You know," I began, swirling the tea around in my cup, "the speech every parent gives to the guy dating their daughter? Like, 'if you hurt Twilight Sparkle I will kill you and bury you with this shovel'? Something like that?"

Celestia chuckled, as Luna looked back down at her tea. "Oh Shepherd," Celestia said kindly, "you are probably fully aware of what I could do to you if I really, truly had any worries for Twilight Sparkle's safety with you as her paramour."

"I'm... Not, and I really don't want to be," I said with utter sincerity. Celestia's smile became a bit darker, and her eyes seemed to glow like flame.

"Wise decision," she said, a bit harder than before. She then returned to her previous saucy, happy expression. "So no! I'm not here to do that. I can't say the same for Twilight's parents, but I imagine they also respect their daughter's independence enough to let her make a few mistakes."

"Ouch," I replied. Celestia tittered, as I smiled a bit self deprecatingly. "No need to be that honest: You're a politician, after all. Try lying a bit more."

"The best lies are mixed with truth," Celestia said, sipping her tea delicately. "It makes it easier to swallow. But no, we did not come for that reason."

I nodded slowly. "Okay, so... If it's just teatime then Luna should still be sleeping so... Why is she here? Uh, no offense," I said quickly to Luna. "Sorry. Didn't mean to imply anything."

Luna looked up at me, muttered something about it being no big deal, and quickly looked back down. Celestia laughed softly again.

"It's quite all right," she said gently. "The real reason is quite simple. I wanted to talk to you and Twilight about your relationship, and her... Experiment."

"Okay," I replied, "do you have any concerns?"

"No," Celestia said, and waited for me to start sipping before continuing, "I want Luna to participate."

Shepherd used Spittake. It was super effective.

Author's Note

This can be considered a sequel to "The Stars Revolt", so it's official! There's a sequel! More to come! And cum!

... I'm not sorry.