You're Only Human

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

I stared. I blinked, at some point. I didn’t know what to do or say. I felt like I’d been frozen for months as I gazed back at the two pony princesses.

“... Excuse me, what?” I managed to ask.

Luna immediately bowed her head, scooting back to take shelter behind Celestia. I felt bad about my tone, and opened my mouth to apologize. However, Celestia silenced me with a look, and pushed Luna back up.

“I would like Luna to join in your experiment with Twilight,” Celestia repeated. “She has been without physical intimacy or affection for a very long time. You were able to bond with her when she was possessed by Nightmare Moon. You would be ideal for helping her.”

“I, uh,” I began. “Listen, this is kind of sudden. And I’m not just a dick for hire.”

Celestia chuckled. “You don’t have any objections to lying with Twilight’s other friends, correct?” She gestured to Luna. I scratched the back of my head.

“No! I mean, not really?” I shook my head. Celestia hummed.

“Your reticence suggests otherwise. After all, Twilight did kind of force herself onto you, did she not?”

I again shook my head. “No! No!” I paused, and shrugged. “Well… Sort of?”

“PRINCESS CELESTIA! PRINCESS LUNA!”

Speak of the neurotic unicorn. Twilight galloped in and immediately threw herself at their hooves. She looked up, pleading and desperate.

“I’M SO SORRY I MISSED YOUR ARRIVAL!” She cried. “AND THAT I FORCED MYSELF ON SHEPHERD! THOUGH HE WAS IN CHARGE TOWARDS THE END I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER!”

“Nice to know her priorities,” Luna muttered. I couldn’t help a little laugh. At Twilight’s shocked look, I took a deep breath and calmed down. I walked over to Twilight and hugged her tightly. I immediately began stroking her mane, and she slowly calmed down.

“Twilight, it is clear that Shepherd bears you no ill will,” Celestia said gently, very clearly keeping her laughter under control. She leaned over and nuzzled her student gently. Twilight finally stopped hyperventilating, and looked up at her teacher in relief.

Celestia smiled, and looked over at me. “My dear Shepherd,” she said, “Twilight and Luna both have issues with intimate relationships.”

That was an understatement worthy of Queen Elizabeth II. I slowly nodded, my eyes glancing over to the skittish Luna. She looked aside, then back at me. Celestia continued to smile.

“That is why I think this experiment should continue with you,” she said. “You have proven yourself a brave, clever, and reliable companion. You bear no ill will towards anypony-You are afraid of harming their feelings. But what they need is a firm hand. A confident hand. And as you are the only one of my knights with hands, it falls to you.”

I blinked. She kept smiling. Had she just made a dad joke? Or a mom joke, in this case?

Also:

“I’m a knight?” I asked. Celestia blinked.

“Of course! You and the rest of the Element Bearers are knights, heroes of the realm,” she said. “For rescuing our beloved sister and saving Equestria.” She blinked. “Has nopony told you?”

“No!” I said. Celestia hummed.

“It should have been delivered by mail…”

There was a crash and a thud against a window. We all looked over at it. A gray pegasus with a blonde mane and eyes going in opposite directions waved, and then pushed open the window. She pulled out an envelope, and tossed it to me. She then waved again, and flew off through another window. We heard another crash, and a faint “I’M OKAY” from the pegasus.

I looked at the envelope, and tore it open. There it was: The royal seal, and a letter telling me I was a knight. I looked back up at Celestia, and shrugged.

“So… Do I get a ceremony or what?” I asked. Celestia chuckled.

“I think we can arrange for it later,” she said. “At the moment, I would like you to aid Twilight and Luna in this arrangement. Please?”

I blinked a few more times. I looked at Luna. Luna looked back at me, blushing furiously. I smiled at her.

“Listen,” I said, “I think we need to take things slow. So, how about this? You come over this Saturday night. We talk, we chat, and we have fun. Like a date. And after that, we see what happens.” I looked over at Celestia. “That would be much better for everyone, don’t you agree?”

Celestia blinked. She then blushed, and shook her head.

“Oh my. I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to imply that I wanted you two to have sex in front of me. Right now.”

Luna and Twilight became far less tense at this. I rubbed my face, as Celestia looked sheepish.

“That helps a lot,” I said honestly.

“Princess Celestia wouldn’t have wanted that!” Twilight said earnestly.

“You were thinking about it!” I shot back. Twilight blushed hard.

“I-I knew that! I just thought that for a moment!”

“It was a long moment!” I replied. Luna cleared her throat.

“I would… Like that,” she said. “To-To go on a date, that is. This Saturday night.” She bowed her head. “I look forward to it, Sir Shepherd. Lady Twilight Sparkle.”

Oh, that wasn’t going to get old any time soon. I just had to hope that Rainbow Dash didn’t hear about this. I would never hear the end of it!

“I-I look forward to it too,” Twilight said shakily. Celestia beamed, and nuzzled Luna. She smiled back at us.

“Wonderful! Thank you for the tea, Shepherd, Twilight. See you soon!”

She and Luna vanished in a flash of magic. Twilight looked up at me, and I pulled her into a hug. I patted her back.

“Come on babe, breathe, breathe,” I said. Twilight nodded, and rested her face against mine.

“Oh my, oh my,” she murmured. “I… Sex with Luna?! And you? At the same time?!”

“It doesn’t have to lead immediately into sex,” I lied. I wasn’t very convincing, as Twilight glared at me. I then shrugged.

“I mean, I’m totally fine if it does lead to that,” I said, “and I think Celestia is just being her sister’s wingman in the most awkward way possible. Maybe she’s old fashioned and just thinks fucking is the best therapy?”

Twilight grimaced. “Please,” she moaned, “don’t make me think about my teacher and sex! Please!”

“Your efforts at denial are verging on the delusional, you know,” I commented.

Twilight hit me with her hoof.

“Just let me pretend! For a little while!”

I sighed. I nuzzled her.

"Look," I said, "just chill out. All right? That's not helping. You established us as a polyamorous couple that would have threesomes with other mares. We might as well go with it."

"It's-It's not like everypony knows this!" Twilight said quickly.

Spike wandered in, eating cookies. He looked around and sighed.

"Look, can't you two go have sex in the bedroom?" He asked. "So I don't have to clean up after you two?"

"SPIKE!" Twilight cried, "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SEX IS?!"

Spike gave her an incredulous expression.

"Well I sure as Tartarus know now," he stated. He glared at me. "And you! Help me clean up will ya? Lazy human!"

"All right, all right, I'm sorry," I said, holding up my spare hand. "I will be more thorough about cleaning."

"Yeah, you will," Spike stated. He turned and walked out. I heard the door open and slam shut, as the dragon headed off. I looked over at Twilight. She shook her head.

"It's just Spike! How many others could know outside of him, Applejack, you, me and the Princesses?"

There was a knock at the door. I set Twilight down, and walked up to it. I opened the door, with a polite smile on my face.

"Yes?" I asked.

Rarity stood there, wearing a trenchcoat and a fedora. She smiled kindly at me, her eyes glowing eagerly.

"Darlings! Would you let me in for a moment?" She asked. I shrugged and moved aside, letting Rarity trot on it. I shut the door. Twilight smiled happily, her calm restored.

"Rarity! I'm so glad to see you!" Twilight said, "what can I do for you?"

"Oh, no," Rarity practically purred, as she hugged Twilight tightly, "you misunderstand! It's what I can do for you two! And your wonderful experiment!"

"Huh?!" Twilight gasped. I sighed, and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Applejack told you, huh?" I asked. Rarity looked over her shoulder, and beamed seductively.

"Naturally~. That poor mare can't keep a secret to save her life," she said. "I would be more than happy to engage in this experiment with you two! Teach you some new things! As romantic as it is, two virgins discovering the magic of love together-"

"I wasn't a virgin before this," I pointed out. Rarity ignored me, wrapped up in her dramatic speech.

"You need somepony more experienced, more worldly, to guide you through the finer aspects of lovemaking," she continued. "And that's where I come in~!"

Her horn lit up, and she used telekinesis to whip off her jacket and fedora. She was wearing... Black strips of plastic crisscrossing her body in alluring ways. Her saddle bags were full of various... Implements. She was smiling broadly, as Twilight looked caught between curiosity and fear.

"And to put certain slanders about me to rest," Rarity stated firmly.

"Applejack said she was better at blowjobs than you, didn't she?" I asked. Rarity scowled.

"A lady does not back down from such a challenge!" She declared. She looked over at Twilight. "I mean, darling, if you're all right with me joining? We could do anything you're comfortable with."

I held up my hands. "Maybe we should talk this out a bit more first?" I asked. "You know, follow proper procedure?" I looked over at Twilight... And she already had her notebooks and quills out for note taking. I sighed. "This isn't very scientific," I pointed out.

"It totally is," Twilight said, blushing hard. She beamed at Rarity. "Of course you can join in on the experiment! In fact, since you're so prepared, why not begin right now with Shepherd?"

"Um," I said, raising a finger, "I have some concerns."

Rarity approached me, and used her magic to push me into a chair. She slunk right up to me, and settled herself happily in my lap. She licked her lips. I felt my concerns and objections fall away.

As it turns out, sex does mellow you out. Enough of it and any internal issues about different species just seem to fall away.

"Darling," Rarity crooned, nuzzling my throat, "I recall that on your planet, you ride ponies for transportation?"

I managed a nod as she licked up my throat. I shivered as she pressed my hands down with her hooves. She looked me right in the eyes with a fervent expression that made me hard.

"Well dear, on Equestria," she whispered, "pony. Rides. You."

Author's Note

More sex next time!