*CH-CHAK*

The unmistakable sound of a pump-action shotgun slide being racked jolted Anon from his sleep. Immediately he sat stock upright in the rock hard, but strangely comfortable bed. There was no time to blink the bleary dregs of sleep from his eyes, however - his vision was filled with the imposing steel tube of a short-barrelled shotgun, held by a furious and deadly serious looking Limestone Pie.

“Ohhhh-kay….” Anon mumbled slowly raising his hands in what he hoped was a universally recognized show of surrender.

“Don’t you even bucking breathe!” Limestone growled, hunching the firearm closer into the nook of her shoulder, prepping for the recoil from the shot that would turn Anon’s head into a fine pink mist.

“L-listen… I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding.”

“What the buck are you doing in our home you motherbu-”

“Limestone Pie! Language!” The sharp rebuke from behind the silver-haired and acerbic rock-farmer immediately drew Anon’s attention to the fact that the room had actually become quite full during his sleep.

Standing with all her stern and imposing MILF-y presence, Cloudy Quartz was just behind her daughter, glaring at the scene before her over her spectacles, clearly unimpressed and unhappy.

Closer to the door was the shy, blushing maiden of the family, Marble Pie. With one hoof hesitantly crossed over her chest with almost tangible discomfort, she meekly stared out with one eye from under her bangs. Anon briefly wondered if she even had another eye… maybe she’d lost it in a rock-farming accident?

A question for another time.

Right now he was hoping to avoid losing both of his eyes, as well as everything in-between.

“So… uh… good morning?”

His squeak prompted Limestone to prod the center of his forehead with the shotgun, bumping him backward. “Shut. Up. Just who do you think you are? First, you run out into the middle of our field, insult Marble and I, then make one of the most disgusting advances toward our mother…”

Anon was having trouble focusing on Lime’s face as she continued her tirade - it wasn’t easy to uncross his eyes from the steel tube against his head. But he could see she was growling through gritted teeth.

“...then you break into our house and spread your…. monkey… s-s-stink…” Anon glanced down the barrel of the gun as Lime choked out the word, noticing that she had trouble mouthing it, a very rare blush forming on the prickly mare’s cheeks. “...then you hop onto my parent’s bed to sleep it off half-nude! Any royal guardsmen would say I’m totally justified in pulling this trigger!” She aggressively pushed the gun against him again.

“Woah woah woah!” Anon chirped, hands still up. “First off, I did not insult you two lovely mares, I just pointed out how your mom was way hotter than you, which is just a fact.”

“Grrrr!”

“Uh… ok, bad point to make… and yes, I did try to pick up your mom. But I didn’t break and enter! Pinkie let me in and told me to stay the night! I swear!”

“Liar! This is all part of your plan, isn’t it? Couldn’t take no for an answer!” Lime growled again.

“Pinkie Pie…” Cloudy Quartz sighed. “I should have known that girl would have tried to arrange all this… always worried about her sisters and mother, that one.”

Lime looked over her shoulder at her mother, slowly lowering the gun from Anon’s face as she did so. “S-so, if it really was Pinkie, that means… she approves - right mom?”

Quartz nodded solemnly. “Yes Limestone, the whole family is in accord. We can proceed with the plan.” The older mare gave a head-bob as a signal, and Lime immediately re-raised the shotgun with a nasty grin in her teeth.

“Awesome.”

“WOAH WOAH WOAH!” Anon yelped, “What the fuck is this? Some kind of a crazy serial killer family thing? Pinkie recruits and tricks victims and you all fertilize your rock farm with their ashes? I didn’t sign up to be part of shotgun-murder!”

“Hm hm hm.” Cloudy clucked with what Anon could only assume was mirth, “Oh Mr. Anon, you misunderstand us… this isn’t a shotgun-murder… it’s a shotgun wedding.”

…

…

“What.” Anon monotoned.

Lime slunk back, still keeping her gun trained on the human, allowing Cloudy to step forward.

“Ahem,” the stately mare cleared her throat, “well yes… you’re going to marry into the Pie herd - you’ll commit to wed my daughters, Marble and Limestone, and the headmare of the herd - myself.”

“W-what?”

“We’re a traditional rockonite family, Mr. Anon.” Cloudy blinked, impassively. “We don’t go in for all this ill-conceived ‘modern’ monogamous, sexual equality drivel.” Cloudy almost spat the words out as she said them. “For over a thousand years, pony culture of a strong mare leading her herd served our world well… and in matters of the bedroom and the family, a stallion’s place is beneath his mistresses.”

“Uh…” Anon scratched his head slightly, trying to process the information he was hearing. “I guess I don’t disagree with that… as long as it’s not all cowgirl, I do like me some doggy-style.”

“Tch.” Cloudy shook her head with a frown. “You are a wild one. It was figurative, of course, Mr. Anon. Any position is acceptable - so long as the stallion knows his purpose is merely to attend to the needs of his mares.”

“Cool, so doggy is a go, then.” Anon gave her a thumbs up. “I think I’m liking this traditional thing after all… but what’s with having to marry you all - I mean, being in a big marriage with your daughters, isn’t that more of an Apple family trope?”

“Please. Keeping the bloodline strong and rocky is an honor and a responsibility. Marrying my cousin Ignacious was my duty.” Cloudy solemnly stated. “And so long as we mix in the odd outsider to refresh our gene pool, our family will only deviate from its craggy roots with a genetic abnormality… rarely.”

“Pinkie?” Anon asked.

“Pinkie.” Cloudy confirmed.

“That explains a lot.” Anon sighed. “But still, why exactly do I have to marry your two daughters? I thought I’d made it clear that the only rock I wanted to chip, is yours…”

“Hmf.” Cloudy clicked her tongue. “Well, Sir, that is non-negotiable. It is long past time when these two should have been wedded to appropriate suitors, and there’s only so long I can wait before having to do my duty as their mother. No, I’ll form a herd with them and you, and that will be that. And with Pinkie’s evident recommendation, all the remains is your say-so.”

“Really? Those two…” Anon pointed across the room at Limestone and Marble, then back to himself, “...want to marry me?”

“Sh-shut up!” Lime blushed. Marble simply looked away. Both had faces as red as molten rock.

“I think Pinkie’s approval and endorsement of your… assets… likely had something to do with it. That, and the fact that I’m not going to allow them to become old maids - it’s marriage or expulsion.”

“Woah, tough love,” Anon smirked. “By the way, you said everyone in the family approved… what about that other one - the silent sister who never says anything? Rod? Zod?”

“Maud’s silence can be taken as consent. I’m sure she’d approve.” Cloudy blinked, seemingly bored with the conversation.

“Let’s just hope Maud’s boyfriend doesn’t make that same assumption after their first bender.” Anon joked, earning only a deeper frown from the mares staring at him. He coughed in a failed attempt to alleviate the tension. “So, what about you Mrs. Pie?”

“Of course I approve.” The mare stared down her snout at Anon.

“Really? I thought I was disgusting and ‘uncouth’?” Anon grinned challengingly at her.

“You are.”

“And I thought your husband takes care of your needs every night…”

“He does.”

“So why do you want to climb to the top of my granite monolith?” He grinned, pointing down at his crotch.

The point drew the gaze of all three mares to his groin. Anon always sported a robust and healthy case of morning wood and the fact that he was actually waking up in the middle of the night, or the fact that he was awoken to the fear of staring down the muzzle of a loaded 12-gauge shotgun had done nothing to change that fact.

Poking proudly up into the air, bobbing and throbbing with manly intensity, was his eight and a half-inch long, six-inch circumference cock. His fat purple head peeked out proudly from his foreskin at the top, like an obscenely large berry on to of his thick, veiny shaft.

Anon noticed marble bite her lip, and Limestone’s mouth drop open slightly, the gun in her hooves falling slightly. He grinned. It was always such a power trip to see the reaction his human junk stimulate in these ponies - it was like there was some twisted flaw in their biological code that made them absolutely thirsty for human cock.

He glanced at Cloudy to see her response. Poised, impassive, inspecting. Calm and steady. Rocklike. But then she swallowed, obviously clearing her throat of some of the saliva that must have been building up there.

Gotcha.

Anon smiled at her, knowing he’d won this small battle.

“I’m happy to admit that you’re… well-equipped, Mr. Anon.” Cloudy spoke, matter-of-factly. “And your musk belies your potency, that much is for sure.” She sniffed the air slightly, her nostrils flaring at some scent that Anon couldn’t detect. “But know this… you are an uncouth, disgusting male. And I have no intention of making you my head-stallion. Ignaceous and I love each other very much.”

“I could love you very much, too.” Anon grinned, thrusting his hips up and making his obscene organ bob.

Cloudy’s eyes followed the end of his penis, her face remaining impassive even as her eyes twinkled with wonder. “No thank you, Mr. Anon. Ignaceous sees to my needs - his tongue is firmer than a diamond and twice as valuable.”

“Mom!” Limestone groaned, angrily tearing her head from staring at the human to growl at her mother.

“Please Limestone, playing innocent is for children… I know you hear well every night when he brings me ‘over the cliff’. Our walls are thin.”

“S-still…”

“Anyway, Mr. Anon.” Cloudy refocused on Anon, her eyes glancing down from time to time at his fleshly column. “While I am a satisfied mare… I am not a bred mare. Nor shall I be from Ignaceous. Time catches up with us all, I’m afraid. And it is my duty as matriarch to produce more offspring while my womb is still able, if that happens to be from the wild seed of an uncouth, disgusting stud, so be it.”

“W-w-wait… pregnancy?” Anon felt a bit of a cold chill up his spine. The situation was starting to dawn on him. “Marriage… pregnancy… fatherhood… family… Wait a fuckin’ minute… are you trying to make me be a responsible adult!?”

“Yes. I expect you to put a foal in me. And in my daughters. Tonight.”

“Fuck that!” Anon started to get up from the bed, realizing the trap he’d walked into.

*KABOOM*

*CH-CHAK*

Limestone didn’t hesitate at all as she fired the shotgun up in the air, sending a cascade of dust and splinters down from the wooden ceiling, before quickly working the pump-action shotgun to rack a new shell into the breech, sending the empty cartridge pinwheeling out of the ejection port trailing a thin contrail of wispy white smoke.

“Oh, I think that’s mom’s plan, Anon.” Lime grinned.

“Hang on! Don’t I get a say in this?”

“Sure, you can shut up and get married… or leave here in a body bag.” Lime licked her lips, “I don’t mind so much which of the two it ends up being.”

“My daughter’s right, Mr. Anon. I do promise to send your remains to your next of kin, of course, should that be your choice.”

“What the fuck!” Anon shouted, mostly to clear the ringing from his ears of the resounding shotgun blast. “What about… what about…” Anon looked left and right desperately, hoping for something, anything to bail him out. “What about… Mr. Pie! Yeah, that’s it… what does Ignaceous think about all this?”

“Ahem.” The pony in question poked his head in from the hallway, eyebrows raised.

“Oh thank Christ.” Anon breathed. “Mr. Pie, I think your wife and daughters are on rock-meth or something because…”

Ignaceous stepped into the room, whereupon it quickly became evident to Anon that he was wearing the garb of a priest, complete with a Roman collar while holding what could only be some sort of holy book.

“...what the fuck!? You too?”

Ignaceous nodded solemnly. “Are you ready for the ceremony?”

“NO NO Nmpphf-” Anon’s mouth was covered by Limestone’s hoof.

Cloudy nodded to her husband, answering on behalf of the human. “He is.”

“Then, skipping all yon newfangled bits, I hereby do inquire: dost thou mares taketh this stallion to be your stud, to protect and guide him, to bear his foals, and be mistress over him... until death do you part?”

“I do.” Cloudy Quartz nodded, tapping her hoof to her chest.

“Yep.” Limestone chuckled, still clenching Anon’s mouth shut.

“M-...mm-hmm…” Marble nodded, still huddled in the corner.

Ignaceous nodded and smiled, closing the holy book he had been looking into “Then by the power invested in me, I declare this-”

“Bwah- wait just a fuckin’ minute!” Anon shouted, having broken free of LIme’s grasp momentarily. “Don’t you have to ask me!?”

“I said I was skipping the newfangled bits.” Ignaceous blinked. “But alright… do you, stallion, take these mares to be your wives, promising to sate their every need, to be loyal to them, to give them healthy foals, and to obey their commands?”

“I most certainly do fuckin’ n-”

“He does.” Cloudy Quartz cut him off, coldly. “As his head mare, I may legally answer for my stallion.”

“You aren’t my wife yet!”

“I will be,” Cloudy growled coldly, shaking her head, then nodded at Lime. “Limestone?”

“Stop, struggling!” Lime gripped the slippery human’s head, wrenching it back under control and covering his mouth again, silencing the human.

“Then… by the power invested in me by the church of Celestia, I do hereby declare thee herd-wives, headwife, and husband.” Ignaceous tapped the heads of all four creatures quickly, signifying their union.

“There. Now it’s done.” Limestone laughed, letting the human go. Immediately Anon wrenched himself free and found himself in a sprawl on the floor.

“What the hell?” Anon grumbled, looking angrily up at the ponies surrounding him. “Isn’t this supposed to be sealed with a kiss?”

“Oh ho ho ho ho.” Cloudy chuckled darkly, looking down at him through her half spectacles, the cold embers of a smile growing on her face as she regarded him, as though he were an insect. “Anon, my husband, in this family when we consummate a marriage… we consummate a marriage.”

The husky emphasis on the word was unmistakable.

“Eeep.” Anon could only squeak, as Limestone and Cloudy converged on him.

Anon felt a hoof on his shoulder before he was roughly tossed backward onto the bed, landing face up. Limestone’s strength was ferocious - Anon had not experienced the sheer power of an earth-pony in his misadventures… and he was quickly realizing that if any one of these mares wanted to roll him up into a ball of crushed bones and torn muscle, they could do it with one leg tied behind their back.

In a way, that was kind of sexy. Especially if they were into tying their legs behind their back.

“Hey!” Anon’s bondage related daydream was quickly interrupted by the sharp rebuke from the acidic gray mare, “what are you staring off into space for? I’m right here, chump.”

Limestone grabbed a hoof-ful of his white t-shirt, easily shredding it as she pulled it backward with a jerk, revealing his bare chest to the pony.

“W-woah… rock-hard…” Lime blinked, staring down at his pectorals and abdominal muscles. Anon had to credit the local diet and level of exercise - as well as the magical spell that had torn him into this world - back home he was a pudgy bastard… the wizardry that had brought him to Equestria had given him all of the best physical attributes of the various neckbeards from Earth. Amongst the hodgepodge of different dregs of shitposting society, he was now an amalgamation of strong muscles, handsome lines, a massive erection… and yet still somehow he had the worst and most trollish mind available.

Still, those washboard abs never failed to impress the local females.

He smirked cockily at Lime as the pony did a double-take, trying to wipe the drool from her mouth before the human could notice she was clearly ogling his body.

“Like what you see?” Anon slid his hands behind his head.

“Sh-shut up,” Lime growled, looking away, plopping her rear onto his thighs and crossing her arms grumpily.

Anon could feel the warm, blocky stiffness of Lime’s powerful glutes against his legs, the wispy tickle of her tail hairs… the humid moistness of something else trapped by her waggling dock. He grinned down at her as she glanced away - she was a beautiful mare under all that anger.

“Help me please, Marble, dear.” Cloudy Quartz’s voice jerked him back to reality. Craning his neck slightly to one side to look around the pouting Limestone, he saw the shy marble and Cloudy taking hold of his sweatpants, yanking the crumpled remains of what was around his ankles before tossing his clothes to the corner.

“Uh, hey... “ Anon began. “Not that I’m against tsundere-waifus… but my schtick is really the whole ‘MILF’ thing, so if we could just swap sourpuss’s puss for yours Mrs. Quartz that would be gr-”

“Oh no, Mr. Anon, husband… stud.” Cloudy Quartz sniffed, matter-of-factly, little love in her voice. “I won’t have you taking advantage of my kindness to breed me then claim fatigue or tiredness when it comes time to sire my daughters’ foals. You’ll start with them.”

Anon looked up at Lime, who was licking her lips with anticipation. Her hoof slammed his chest back to the bedtop, as she began to put weight on her hind legs, obviously looking to lift her rump up to align itself with his sizable probe.

His mind scrambled. “W-wait, aren’t you like, the head mare or whatever? Don’t you have to go first or something?”

It was a shot in the dark, complete desperation. Which was why it was so surprising that all three mares and Ignaceous (who had taken on the spectator role in the corner of the bedroom), froze and looked at one another.

“I guess… he is right… but that’s just a silly old tradition, right mom?” Lime huffed, looking over at her mother.

Cloudy adjusted her spectacles with a sigh, shaking her head solemnly. “Limestone. Daughter, in this family we abide by those traditions.” She clicked her tongue then twisted her head, an idea clearly forming in-between her ears. “Although, tradition just dictates that the head-mare be the first to be bred by the new stallion. If Mr. Anon is performing acts that have no possibility of impregnation…”

“Hahaha, we can have at him!” Lime cackled, turning back to face Anon.

“No, c’mon!” Anon grunted. “You can’t force me to screw your daughters!”

Cloudy chewed her lips. “I suppose not, laws have changed somewhat since I was a filly, unfortunately.” Cloudy blinked, then began to show the faintest beginning of a smile. “Maybe you should see it this way, Mr. Anonymous-Pie. This is but one last test to confirm you are worthy of my bed: satisfy my daughters first to earn my affection.”

Anon scrunched his eyebrows together, considering. It really wasn’t that bad a deal now that he thought about it. Bang a couple of likely-lasses to score another critical notch on his Milf-quest championship-belt?

“So: do your two little-girls and then I get to do you?” He asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Yes. That’s the deal.”

“But no vaginal?”

“As you have so kindly pointed out - it would defy tradition.” Cloudy sighed, shaking her head. “I will expect you to fulfill your stallionly duty afterward.”

“We’ll see about that… well… deal, I guess.”

Lime pumped her hoof and whooped. “Yes! I won’t be a wizard after all!”

Anon looked up at her and cocked his head in question, but Lime was looking over at her younger sister. “I mean, you too Marble - but you still had like, eleven years… I only had five left!”

“And that five can wait a little bit longer - dismount, Limestone… your sister will go first.” Cloudy nodded solemnly.

Instantly both daughters’ faces turned in shock to look at their mother. Clearly, Limestone didn’t want to wait, and Marble was more than a little shy about taking the lead.

“W-what? But mom! I’m ready to go!”

“Mm-hmm!” Marble nodded, hopefully.

“Enough. Marble, onto the bed.”

Marble slunk slowly, like a scared dog who was nervous that a crack of thunder was about to send her scurrying for the nearest closet, her hooves carefully trodding onto the furthest corner of the bed - carefully pulling herself up and laying on her belly, as she desperately tried to hide behind her bangs.

Meanwhile, Lime pulled herself off of Anon’s legs, angrily glaring down at him and dragging the edge of her hoof roughly down his chest, leaving a red scratch line as she did so. “You’re not gonna get away, punk. Not that easily.” She bit her lip as she stared down at him like a piece of meat, dragging her bottom along his thigh as she moved away - leaving a wet, hot, snail trail in her wake.

Anon looked over at Marble, who was almost trembling, her eyes shut tightly. How the heck was this going to work? He cast an unsure glance at Cloudy.

The older mare hopped up onto the bed with poise, trotting over to the bedside table. With a flick of her hoof, she opened the drawer and drew out a small vial of a potion, raised it in front of her face to confirm that she could read the Equestrian script properly, then tossed it over to Limestone.

“Here, Lime. Make sure you take a dose of this, then make sure your sister takes a dose as well.”

Limestone looked at the label herself, mouthing the words as she read - “Petunia Pettigrew's Plothole Purifying Potion of Particularly Powerful Potency...?”

“Yes - within a minute it will magically make any imbiber’s tailhole more sanitary than an operating table and as pleasantly fragrant as Petunia’s namesake.”

“Why do you have this?”

Cloudy’s eyes darted over at Ignaceous, who coughed briefly, then back to her daughter. Stern eyes that warned her not to ask such questions of her mother.

“Oh… OK.” Lime blinked again. “But why do I have this?”

Cloudy sniffed. “You will prepare your sister - I imagine you will prefer the taste.”

Lime’s eyes shot wide, as did Marble’s, both mare’s looking at each other and intensely blushing, faces burning red as their mouths fell open.

“B-but m-mom… Marble’s a… mare!”

One of Cloudy’s eyebrows arched up. “So? She’s in your herd - you’ll do your duty.”

“...she’s also my SISTER!” Lime gulped. “I used to help change her diapers!”

“Then you’ll be familiar with where everything is.” Cloudy snarked. “All true mares must put the needs of the herd over themselves - this is simply your duty.”

Lime gulped, then looked down at Marble, smiled nervously at her, then nodded. “O-Ok…. Mom…”

Cloudy turned her cold eyes to Anonymous and glared down at him.

“...and I will prepare Anonymous.”

Author's Note

Oh boy, Anon's officially a Pie-family member now...

I sense that his family name will be Cream-pie.

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