Spike and Starlight Glimmer were walking aimlessly through Ponyville. Neither of them really knew where to begin this quest. Starlight honestly just wanted to get out of Carousel Boutique before Rarity got out of the bathroom.

"So, any thoughts on the plan of action", asked Spike anxiously.

"I know that Twilight has been acting really weird for almost a year now. Some ponies, myself included, don't even know if she has taught a single thing about friendship the past year. However, it certainly wasn't caused by any of the shapeshifting spells I know or I would have revealed the imposter a long time ago."

"Maybe it is the real Twilight Sparkle."

"I got my doubts. She seems to have lost some of her memories too about friendship lessons."

"Until Celestia sent her on that friendship mission to Ponyville, Twilight didn't think much about friendship. Maybe she just decided friendship wasn't worth it. Could be your fault too for all I know."

"Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a shallow diamond shitter?"

"I do and I am proud of it", said Spike pumping his chest.

"What do you two talk about besides sex?"

"Ummm..fashion and diamonds and whatever exciting excursion Fancy Pants has going on and.."

"Sounds boring to me."

Starlight thought that the young dragon was clueless about what love truly was - but she barely knew much about love herself, so who was she to judge?

"Umm..well, Rarity is quite special. As you know, she literally converts her food to diamonds. I bet you can't do that!"

"That's right and I wouldn't want to poop diamonds. Pooping is such a disgusting part of life and I wish that poop did not exist. I don't understand what the big deal is about shit! It stinks and is an inconvenience to everyday life. Except for fertilizer on a farm, I don't see any real benefits to poop."

"You don't get a feeling of pleasure after taking a big dump?"

"What!?!?", said Starlight with shock turning red in the face, "absolutely not! I hate poop and I think society would be better if it didn't exist!!"

"Woah", responded Spike, "I didn't know you felt so strongly about poop."

"The sewage system was the toughest part of running a village", said Starlight more calmly.

"Why do you hate poop?"

"I just do - okay. Maybe it is because I am stuck cleaning Twilight's stupid toilet since you left. I want you back and I want the real Twilight Sparkle back. My life has been fucking awful, okay!"

"Okay", said Spike, "so umm.. what should we do besides bitching about poop?"

"I was thinking that the answer could be in the Everfree Forest. Maybe Zecora knows what's going on - she seems to have a good idea of all the weird stuff without unicorn magic."

"Would you be okay with visiting Zecora if she uses poop to make some of her spells", said Spike with a chuckle.

"Yes, I'm not going to die. It's a sacrifice."

As the two turned towards the Everfree Forest, they heard a pony shout, "Hey Spike and Starlight!! Just the ones we wanted to see."

It was Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

"Oh, hey guys", said Spike.

"We don't have much time to talk", said Starlight, "important mission."

"Have you two eaten any food?", asked Fluttershy.

"Um, no", said Starlight, "I was thinking we would just find some food where we are going."

"You know what", said Spike, "are you inviting us out to lunch?"

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy nodded.

"I was thinking we could go to Chipoate - the food there is rad and they have discounts this week!!", said Rainbow Dash.

"Ooh, I could go for Chipoate", said Spike.

Starlight groaned. The poop enthusiast would certainly try but end up revealing one of Starlight's deepest secrets.

Rarity got out of the bathroom and saw Spike's note.

She thought to herself, "Oh, Spikey Wikey is going on a dragon quest. Maybe he'll meet some nice lady dragon and be out of my mane."

Rarity was horny again. Fancy Pants and Spike both being out would not do. Rarity gave Fancy a call.

"Hey Fancy, watcha' doing?"

"Oh lady Rarity, I am trying to purchase an ancient yet charming building to expand your business which could be your new Canterlot headquarters."

"Spikey is out. I need sex."

"My goodness, I will be right over!!"

Fancy Pants was able to teleport himself right to Carousel Boutique.

"I am always ready for you, Lady Rarity", said Fancy Pants with a grin.

"I know", responded Rarity with a wink, "you will be more than my plot buddy today."

"Ho ho, I do love the change of pace."

Rarity and Fancy Pants began to kiss passionately and made their way to the bed without taking their gaze off one another.

"Oh dear", said Fancy, "I might have forgotten a condom."

"I don't care - I want your babies, Fancy Pants", squealed Rarity.

"Perfect."

Fancy Pants began to mount Rarity as she moaned louder than she ever did with Spike. Rarity was in eternal bliss with Fancy Pants. The two planned to have sex nonstop.

"So big", whispered Rarity.

"That's what all of my lady friends say."

"But I'm your best lady friend, aren't I?"

"Of course, my lady Rarity."

Fancy Pants thrusted himself deep into Rarity and came in ten seconds flat.

"Ooh", said Rarity, "someone's horny. Good thing we got all the time in the world!!"

Spike, Starlight, Rainbow, and Fluttershy were all enjoying their lunch at Chipoate.

Starlight could see the 'gotcha' look on Rainbow's face. Starlight wouldn't be able to hide her secret much longer. The food was good though even if spiked with laxatives. She could already see Spike making quick glances to the restroom at the back of the restaurant.

"Thank you for taking us out", said Spike, "it's been a while since we all get together."

"I know", said Fluttershy, "it was so funny that we ran into each other like this."

"This is already one of my best days ever", said Rainbow Dash pumping up her front hooves.

"Oh, you always say that", responded Fluttershy with a giggle, "oh gee, you two are going somewhere. Don't you need to go to the bathroom?"

Spike rushed to the bathroom. Starlight didn't feel anything - she never did.

"Hey, I gotta go too", said Rainbow Dash, "I'll be right back." She rushed to the bathroom - presumably to collect whatever Spike was going to shit out.

"Starlight, you got a long journey, don't you", asked Fluttershy.

"Yeah but I'm not in a rush to use the bathroom like those other two."

"Oh my", said Fluttershy, "wonder why Rainbow ran into the mens' room."

"Ponyville doesn't care about which bathroom we go into. As long as no creepy perverts go into the ladies room!"

"Agreed on that", said Fluttershy, "I just realized that we haven't really talked to each other much - if at all."

"Yeah, it has been a shame", responded Starlight, "but these days I have been slaving away at Twilight's castle."

"I know. It is so sad what happened.. I don't know.. but oh my - there might be um.. spies here. We should continue this chat in the ladies' room."

Starlight rolled her eyes. She knew these two pegasi were working in cahoots on the whole poop thing. There was no use hiding it anymore.

Starlight nodded and said, "Good idea."

They could hear Rainbow snickering in the bathroom which Starlight noted made Fluttershy blush.

The two mares each went to their respective toilet.

"So, what do you think is wrong with Twilight", Fluttershy asked. Starlight could hear a small plop.

"She is acting so different lately. I think that Twilight is an imposter." Starlight thought about pretending to make pooping noises but she couldn't make any that were real.

"I suppose so. Twilight Sparkle just isn't the same anymore. But ponies change - like you.. who knows maybe the two of you changed personalities or something like that?"

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard, Fluttershy."

"Oh, okay."

Starlight let the last of her urine fall into the toilet but, as always, no poop. They would all know. Starlight thought about just flushing and hopefully the secret was out but surely Rainbow would have laced the food with a laxative so strong that it would clog the toilet. Starlight sighed and headed to the sink to wash her front hooves.

"Oh my", said Fluttershy, "I didn't think you would forget to flush. Lemme flush for you and... oh.... that's kind of odd."

"Why would it be so odd, Fluttershy?"

"Um...ummm", stuttered Fluttershy, "no reason - I... uh..."

"It's okay. I know Rainbow Dash has been wanting my poop. But boy do I have something special to tell you!"

"I'm listening."

"I can't take a shit, Fluttershy", said Starlight, "I never could."

"Wow..um..really?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

The two mares left the bathroom. Rainbow Dash was anxiously watching. At least Starlight didn't have to worry about her stuff being examined by RD.

Rainbow Dash gave Fluttershy an angry glare like she failed.

Starlight couldn't let Fluttershy take the fall - she was too nice to deserve it.

"Look, Rainbow Dash. I know what you want and I wouldn't mind giving it to you if I could."

"Wait, what are you saying", asked Rainbow.

"My body cannot poop", whispered Starlight.

"WHAT!!!?!?!?! That's terrible", gasped Rainbow Dash almost too loud.

"Every pony is starting to stare", snarled Starlight, "let's continue this conversation outside."

They left Chipoate.

"Wait, so tell me - do you know why, Starlight?", asked Rainbow, "so you don't take shits?"

"Yeah, I don't", said Starlight, "see, it is related to my magical powers. Celestia.. this is so embarrassing. Ever since I was born, my magic made the food disappear on its own before I took a poop. This is the life I know and it doesn't bother me so much. But it always bothered me how much it bothers other ponies. When I was a foal, Sunburst would tell me about all the wonderful craps he would take and - my goodness - it made me sad that I couldn't enjoy such an activity with him. My parents told me it was just a sign of how gifted I was magically and they are probably right. Honestly, once I knew that Twilight could poop the first time the six of you visited my quaint village- I knew I was much better at magic than she was."

"That's not so bad that you can't poop", said Fluttershy, "it's true that you are a genius."

"No wonder you enslaved a village", said Spike with a chuckle.

"I, Rainbow Dash, promise to do whatever it takes to cure you of this disability!! Someday you will be like every other pony. I will work on research until the day I die!"

"What the fuck?", said Starlight, "all of this chitter chatter about poop is ridiculous!"

"Can I go back to Rarity now", asked Spike.

"Hmmm", said Starlight, "there is a good reason why you might want to stick around. You see - I know a spell. Yes, I do. It is a spell which will get rid of poop once and for all!!"

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy both looked horrified. Both of the pegasi began to cry.

Spike facepalmed and mumbled, "What the hell, Starlight?"

Author's Note

Where is Twilight?
Will Starlight actually rid the world of poop?
Find out in the next chapter.