Saccharine Arcadia

Chapter 13: The Poison of Life.

Ponyville (Presumably), Somewhere:

It was like having an ice pick swung into your skull. That was how Rob would have described the pain in his head at that precise moment. No more, no less.

He felt what he presumed to be ‘floor’. It was cold at any rate – and scratchy. There were tears encrusted in his eyes, and he wiped them away with a shaky hand, trying to curl up into a ball in order to escape the world for a little bit longer.

“I… I don’t feel too good…”

He shuffled his legs a little bit and heard them scrape across the rough surface, catching on grooves occasionally, and tugging.

“This is definitely not Twilight’s library… No it is not…”

Trying to open his eyes was painful. They rejected any ounce of light that tried to pry on through, and redirected that bright stab straight to his brain, which in turn, seemed to cause an untold number of spasms to ricochet through his body.

“Oh, that’s not good…”

His cheek was pressed to the floor and he noticed a small puddle of dribble leaving his mouth. The protests from his stomach renewed themselves, as they had been periodically over the past hour, and he rolled over to lie on his back; hoping that would make a difference.

The roll came with other things though, and soon, he found himself face to face with Big Mac, who was still sleeping contently, sprawled out just like Rob was, a similar trail of drool leaking from him mouth.

“Beautiful…”

“Hey… Mac… You alright?”

One eye scarily opened in front of Rob’s face, and looked around. “Ugh…”

“Well, at least you’re alive… Dunno how I would explain that to Applejack…”

He smiled, or, tried to. It looked more like a grimace. “Thank ya for the vote ‘a confidence…”

Rob returned the grin. “Any time, dude.” He sighed and closed his eyes again. “So, how do we-”

“Ah’m tellin’ y’all, Ah ain’t never seen nothin’ like this thing before. Ah think it’s what Applejack was talkin’ about the other day… It sure is funny lookin’.”

“Why do I hear a mini Applejack?”

“And… isn’t that your brother? He doesn’t look quite right…?”

“And another young voice…”

“I-is he ok?”

“Well, that one just sounds cute.”

Rob looked to his friend. “Mac, do you know who that is?”

“Ah, it speaks!” The tomboyish voice shouted, as Rob felt a hard kick connect with his head.

Apparently rolling and grunting in pain is no way to settle a curious group of fillies down, and as a result, Rob received a few more clouts to the head before they finally stopped.

“W-what the frick was that!?” He managed to push himself to his feet a little bit, whilst Mac just laughed to the side. “If I wasn’t gonna puke before, I sure as hell am now...”

“Eww… that’s icky…” One of the trio spoke.

Rob rubbed his head and looked down at the small orange bundle of feathers at his feet. “And who might you be little one?” His blurry eyes didn’t allow him to see the filly properly, and the still encroaching headache did not help either. “Are you some sort of pygmy pony?”

“Pygmy whatnow?” The southern one questioned.

Feeling the drink overcome him, the human sat down on the floor again and leant back against Mac, much to the stallion’s displeasure. The churning in the human’s stomach had quickened, and the poison sought an escape. Swallowing, Rob took a few deep breaths and gave his eyes one final wipe, allowing them to properly accustom to the light. He heard the young ones still talking amongst themselves, but he didn’t know about, or care about what they were discussing exactly.

“Right… let’s get a proper look at you three…”

A groan escaped from Mac, as the human slumped a little more against him to get comfortable.

It must have been quite the sight for anyone walking past the scene, to witness. The three fillies watched the human open its eyes and look at them, a face of confusion present upon its features. Rob however, was in truth, fairly stunned. The three in front of him weren’t just small and overly squeaky ponies, they were something entirely different, something which he didn’t expect to see at all; children. The thought hadn’t even occurred to him so far that there even were children in Equestria.

“Three… little… ponies?” If he weren’t feeling so ill, he’d have smiled.

Standing in the shadow of the building they were currently situated in, were three small figures, all with big round eyes and quizzical expressions. They seemed to be leaking a sickly mixture of innocence and adorableness. The one to the far left was a white colour, and had a two-tone mane, filled with the colours of pink and purple. She was a unicorn and had a blank flank where there should have been a cutie mark. Her eyes were a grassy green colour and she had a sweet smile.

The next one across was a yellow colour and from what Rob recalled, the one responsible for the southern accent. She had a red mane and sunset eyes. Similar to her friend, she had no cutie mark. Rob noticed a common element. Atop her head was a large red bow, and it added to her adorableness in quite a large way.

The third component in the trio of huggableness was a pegasus pony whose coat was a fiery orange, and completely contrasting in comparison to her purple mane and eyes. Like the others, there was a bare patch of flank where her cutie mark should have been. From the feisty expression in her eyes, Rob guessed this was the culprit of the savage kicking.

They appeared unphased by his staring and just looked over to him with intrigue, similarly to how a cat looks down upon a mouse.

“So… what are you three called?” He asked, raising a cautious eyebrow.

Pushing forwards, the purple maned one decided somehow, that she deserved to go first, and stepped up for introductions. “I’m Scootaloo! And this is-”

“Ah’m Apple Bloom!”

“And I’m Sweetie Belle!”

“And together, were the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” They all shouted in unison, before Scootaloo mumbled under her breath something about always being cut off.

Rob grimaced, looking at the three standing just in from the doorway. “Alright, just… not so loud, please…” He studied them for a moment. “So, what are you exactly? Some kind of bad superhero team?”

The one with the bow stepped forward. “What!? Naw, we’re not that at all, we’re-”

“And even if we were, we’d be a good superhero team, alright? Good!” The orange one cut in again.

“Will ya stop cuttin’ in front ’a me? Ah’m tryin’ ta be diplomatic here!”

“You did it first!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

Sweetie Belle sighed, “Will you two stop arguing! You’re making us look stupid!”

“Ah’m not doin’ any such thing!”

“And she started it!” Scootaloo finished, sticking her tongue out.

Against his better judgement, Rob stamped his foot down on the ground, creating a large booming noise as a floorboard cracked under his weight. The sound shot more spikes of pain into his head, but it did quiet the girls down, and that was the main priority.

“Right,” He gazed over the three and did his best to smile. “Turns out, I don’t care anymore. I’m assuming that you,” He pointed to Apple Bloom, “Are in some way related to Applejack and this one?” He gestured to Big Mac behind him. “And you… you seem a little like Rainbow Dash, kind of a smug little bi-”

“Oop, gotta remember they’re only kids…”

“Muffin.” He finished his sentence before turning to Sweetie. “Right, you though, I have no idea about.” He shook his head. “I’m assuming, from what I know, that you three haven’t got your cutie marks yet, and that you’ve created some kind of club to… celebrate that?”

“Celebrate!?” They all called out together.

“Yeah. Something like that…”

Their faces of amazement calmed and Sweetie Belle spoke up for the group, “Do you know how embarrassing it is to not have a cutie mark!? We’re trying to find them, not celebrate not having them! We do all sorts of things hoping to find our special talents!” She paused for a moment, “Oh! And I’m Rarity’s sister!”

Rob deadpanned them. “Fair enough.” He leant back against Mac, eliciting a groan from the large pony. “And I do have to apologise for being grumpy, I feel rather fragile right now…”

Three large smiles presented themselves, and Apple Bloom walked closer. “That’s ok, we don’t mind, somepony’s always shoutin’ at us for somethin’! So, Ah’m guessin’ you’re the thing mah big sis was talkin’ about?”

“Well, I’d guess so. It does make sense all things considered…” Rob shuffled his feet.

“Well, ok… But… umm… why are you all in our clubhouse?” Scootaloo interjected.

He looked up at the wooden roof and saw cracks of light shining through.

“Well that explains that…”

Another sigh filled the small room. “Girls, I have no idea. I have no idea what I’ve done or how I ended up here, I can barely think straight as it is, let alone try to piece together the puzzle formed by whatever the hell we did last night...”

They looked confused. “What’s the matter, why can’t ya remember?”

Rob chucked a little, beginning to feel a little better from the casual chat with the three fillies. “Well, when you’re older, you’ll understand. Right now though, I need to get Mac home… somehow…” He yawned and sat up a little.

She raised an eyebrow. “So, ya can’t remember what you, mah brother, Spike and Miss Scratch were doing last night at all?”

“Miss Scratch?” There was a pause.

“Ya know,” She pointed. “Her!”

Rob turned himself over to look at the back of the clubhouse. Apple Bloom was indeed correct; there was Spike as well, alongside some mysterious white pony whom Rob had never seen before.

“I can see this day going downhill already…”

Rob turned back to Apple Bloom and the other two fillies. “So, who’s this ‘Miss Scratch’ exactly?”

“Umm… she’s one of the famous ponies in Ponyville. She’s a musician and she plays shows everywhere! Why, she even did the royal wedding a while back!”

“Ok…” Rob nudged Mac, “Oi, get up. We have a problem…”

Mac moaned. “Can’t Ah just have a bit longer, Arc, mah head is hurtin’ something special…?”

Rob smiled deviously, “Nope, not really.” He elbowed the stallion gently in the ribs. “We may have to fix a few things…”

Mac begrudgingly opened his eyes and looked around, first straight ahead, then up, and then at Arc. “What are ya talkin’ about?”

“Well Mac, when we left last night, I seem to recall it only being you, me and Spike, correct?” The red pony nodded. “And now, we wake up in your little sisters clubhouse, without any memory, and with some strange, and from what I’m told, famous pony in our midst. Does that not seem a tad off to you?”

Mac looked confused.

“And to top that all off, I am missing clothing…”

Mac looked at the human who appeared to be fine. “Ah see no problem.”

Rob rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Well, I’m not wearing any underwear so… you do the math. Either way, we need to work out what happened, and fix this shit.” He glanced back to the girls, “Err… ‘stuff’…”

“Excuse me, mister, but, I’m confused…” The human found the little white one staring at him. “And umm, can we come with you!?” It was hard to say no to something so cute.

Taken aback was one word for it, but dumbfounded was another, Rob could not see that idea being good at all. “I don’t think so, girls… By the way, what time is it?”

Scootaloo’s eyes widened, “That’s right! We have school soon! Darn… I knew that sleepover would end up like this.”

As Mac was getting up, Rob sat forward, “Did you say… ‘school’?”

The three nodded.

“Oh god. It’s Monday isn’t it?”

They nodded again.

“Well shit.” Rob got to his feet and wobbled. “Chop-chop, Mac, I have work in god knows how long, we gotta get moving!”

“Celly, do you know ANYTHING about last night? Pretty please say yes!?”

“I do. But no, I won’t tell you.”

“Have one BIG fuck you then.”

By this time, Mac was up and checking on Spike, who from the sounds of it, was also a little worse for wear. Rob tuned out the sound of some dry wretching and faced the girls. “I know you probably have lots of questions and all, and I know you’ve all been very well behaved, and I know we’ve sorta broken into ya tree house in a comatose state… somehow… but… can you three run along now? I promise you can find me and bug me about things later. That’s what kids like, right?”

“Absolutely! And maybe you can help us on our quest too!” She paused, “We’ll be back later!” Scootaloo called out, paining the male’s ears.

“Yes, yes… whatever, just… go?” He flapped them away with his hand while dusting himself off a little bit. Where they went, none of them cared to speculate.

“Well, I suppose I should wake up ‘Miss Scratch’ or something…”

“I am going to enjoy today.”

“I hate you.”

Off to the side, Spike was being helped out by Mac, who was patting his back gently, a calm and kind expression on his face as always, the only tell-tale sign of a long night being the black bags under his eyes.

Putting off meeting this new pony, especially seeing as the girls sort of described her as being some kind of Ponyville ‘elite’, Rob took in the view. It was true, this was definitely a clubhouse. There were many assorted things littering the place; badly drawn maps, glitter, and somehow, a piano too. Rob paid it no mind as he staggered lightheadedly over to the white pony on the floor near the back right window.

“Well, they did say DJ…” He noticed her cutie mark being that of a pair of beamed notes.

From the angle she was at, he could only really see her from the back, and all that told him, was that she was white in colour, with a pretty snazzy, two-tone, electric blue mane. His footsteps increased in volume as he walked around her, trying to get a good look at her face.

“Well, despite the adorable sleeping, she has a face. In fact, she has the same interchangeable face that every female pony seems to have. Is there such a thing as an ugly pony?”

Bending down, Rob placed a hand on her coat and shook her. She moaned in response.

“Well, well, well…”

“Rise and shine ‘Miss Scratch’, it’s a beautiful day!”

She batted his hand away and rolled over a little, trying to shuffle herself away from the human disturbance. “Go away… just… a little longer…”

Smiling, Rob tried again. “You know what, if you don’t wake up, I’ll do weird things to you~?”

Shuffling some more, she grunted a few times and continued to ignore him. “Fine… just do it quietly…”

“…”

Rob starred down at the strange little pony. “Well, I can’t say I was expecting that.” He thought for a moment, “Fine, well, if you don’t get up, I’ll play some well-written and awfully-brilliantly-composed, tween boy-band music! Sound good!?”

It appeared to work, seeing as her eyes shot open and she sat up straight, looking deep into his eyes. “You will do NO such thing!” She commanded, panting as if completely out of breath.

“No, you’re right,” He smiled. “I won’t. It is nice to see you up though.” He studied her, mainly focussing on her brilliant ruby eyes. “By the way, you have by far the best eyes I have seen since entering Ponyville.” She grinned back at him.

“That’s what ponies are always saying, yeah!” She looked around. “You know what, Arc, I can hardly remember last night… err… how did we end up here again?”

A collective sigh was heard as not only Rob, but also Mac and Spike, who was now awake, mourned the loss of their memories. “Miss Scratch, I was really hoping you could tell us what happened last night… What we did, how we ended up here, you know?”

A small chuckle escaped her lips before a full blown laugh came forth, “You-you’re telling me that you can’t remember anything!?” She faced the others and looked back at Rob, “None of you can?! Haha, this is a riot!” Their unamused faces did calm her a little however, and she got to her hooves before doing a little shake to get all her bones and muscles working properly. “Aaaand enough with the ‘Miss Scratch’ stuff. As I said last night, just call me Vinyl.” She failed to contain another burst of laughter.

“Well, I may not have mentioned this yet, but we can’t remember jack shit from last night!” He cringed. “And seriously… fuck noise this morning…” He faced Spike. “So, how are ya doing, little buddy?”

Despite Vinyl’s mocking, Spike did manage to get out some semblance of a reply. “I’ve felt better… Not gonna lie.”

“Well, you look chipper enough, and you Mac?”

The large stallion got back to his hooves and gave a reassuring smile, “Ah’ve been in worse ways than this before, Ah’m alright.”

Almost hitting the roof, Rob punched his fists in the air, “Good, good! Right, we can finally sort this shit out! As long as we didn’t sell a sheep to a giant, we should be ok…” He gave himself another check over, “And at least I haven’t incurred any more injuries. I seem to be doing that a lot lately… Not fun…”

The group nodded at him, whether in understanding, or just to get him to stop his inane rambling.

He sighed again and rubbed his forehead. “So, Vinyl… let’s start at the beginning…”

Sweet Apple Acres, Heathland:

After vacating the clubhouse, the sickly foursome had headed off back towards Ponyville in search for answers. Vinyl had been of some help, and told them that they met at a bar back in the town, unfortunately, after that, her memory was just as bad as the others. On the bright side, the weather was nice and fairly warm, something which soothed their sore heads even more.

“Well, Mac. I didn’t know you had this much land. I honest to god thought that you had some orchards and a meadow, and that was it.”

He shook his head. “Nope, we got all sorts ‘a places ‘round here; a couple of outbuildings, the grazing fields, the meadows and the orchards of course, alongside various other allotments. I suppose it’s a pretty big place really.”

Rob only nodded in repose, shielding his eyes from the light of the sun, one thing that was still causing him pain.

“Hey, has anyone seen my sunglasses?” Vinyl piped up from the side.

“Really? Right now, in all of this mess, you want to find your sunglasses?” He deadpanned the mare.

She stopped. “Well, yeah, I need them for my look.”

Rob kept his monotone expression. “Your ‘look’?”

She only nodded. “Yeah, my look.”

“Right, well, as much as I give no shits about that, I’m sure they’ll crop up eventually. That’s always the way with these things…” He looked around as they entered the first signs of Ponyville. “So, where’s this bar at?”

Vinyl pointed at a fairly nondescript building nestled in-between a number of houses on the outskirts. It looked as if it was falling apart, and for the life of him, Rob couldn’t ever remember seeing such a place.

“Here?”

Vinyl nodded.

“Mac, you ever seen this place before?”

He bobbed his head, “Eeyup, sure have. Miss Punch owns this place.”

“Miss Punch, eh. Sounds kinda… violent.”

“Well then, compadres, shall we enter?” He glanced over to Spike who was still looking like death itself.

Before entering, Rob had one last look towards the sun, before sighing and pushing his way through the door into the broken establishment.

Despite the misgivings of the outside, the inside was fairly nice, boasting a crimson design, ranging from the furniture to the walls. It looked like any modern bar in the end, with a large counter running along the back wall, and small lounge areas dotting the remainder of the area.

Regardless of the dusky atmosphere, it was friendly enough, and of course, at this time; empty. Dodging the odd pillar, he made his way with his entourage, to the counter.

“Hello?” He called out into the back, “Anyone here?”

“I’d really like to think so, seeing as no one locks their doors in this place…”

Rob looked around to see all the others lounging around on the furniture, seemingly with no sense of urgency. Vinyl was looking at her hooves and Spike seemed to have fallen asleep again. Rob slapped himself on the cheek.

“Guys! Come on, I dunno about you people, but I got places to be! Don’t you?”

Vinyl shook her head, “Nope, no work for me till tomorrow night.”

Mac also shook his head, “I have things to do on the farm, but I can just put them forward and get them done in the afternoon.”

Spike gave no reply.

“Great.” Was all Rob said in response, before hearing a shuffle from one of the back rooms behind the counter.

After a few crashes and a number of yelps, Rob was faced with a new pony, one which he’d never seen before, one which, judging by the mark on her flank and the hints form Vinyl; was called Berry Punch. She was a purple colour with a darker purple mane, and cerise eyes. Her cutie mark was a depiction of grapes and strawberries.

“Hello, Arc… was it?”

Rob found her voice a little tricky to understand.

“Err… yes. Did we meet last night?” He leaned onto the counter.

Berry smiled and also leant up on the counter, using her forelegs to rest on. “We sure did. What’s the problem, Sugar?”

“Well, Berry, you see, we really can’t remember anything from last night. Not one bit. So, I was wondering if you could give us any clues as to what happened?” He looked over his shoulder. “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. And no, they are of NO help right now.”

The mare swayed a little bit, and Rob questioned the helpfulness of the girl. After a little bit of squinting and some over exaggerated sighing, Berry turned to him. “Well… you did mention something about cooking classes… But you also seemed a little annoyed.” She shot up. “Oh! But… ehh… this was the second time.”

“Second time?”

She nodded. “Yes, you see, you guys came back here a number of times last night, always leaving and coming back, leaving and coming back again… lea-”

“Yeah, I get it, I get it…” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Ok, so... Where and when did I mention these classes?”

Ponyville, Proper:

“I- I didn’t even know we had a town hall!?” Rob choked out in ragged breaths alongside his weary and ill companions. “In fact, fuck this running! Arrgh!” He slowed to a stop, hunching over to regain his breath. “Think I’m gonna be sick…”

“Well, dude. Stay the hay away from me if you do. That smell sets me off…” Vinyl shied away from the boy. “And no one likes a chain of puking?”

Rob looked up at her while Big Mac finally caught up. “C-chain of puking?”

“Have you never seen that in nightclubs? One person is ill, and that makes another ill, and that makes another-”

“I hear ya. And no; I stay the hell away from nightclubs.” He noticed the mares face turn sour as he said those words. “What? Look at me… Do I really fit the ‘nightclub’ image?”

She simply shrugged and walked on ahead, leading the human to the town hall. “Just keep an eye out for my sunglasses!” She called back, as Arc began following again, with Big Mac only a little ways behind him.

Despite the many strange looks of the ponies going about their daily business, the group pushed on, and soon enough, they were at the town hall, looking up at the large building with no idea what to do next.

“So…” Rob began.

“Wanna ask inside?” Vinyl suggested.

Rob gazed up at the place. It was a big building and very… circular. He could see why it was the central hub for Ponyville; it was a much more imposing building than any of the others. For a moment Rob thought. He was back in the main area of Ponyville, and he’d stood in this very square many times before.

“Wait… Are you telling me…?”

He looked behind himself.

“Motherbucker! Twilight’s library has been a stone’s throw away from the town hall this entire time!? How did I not know that!?”

Without warning, Rob felt a wave of nausea wash over him. He turned to the others, all of whom wore faces of concern. Well, aside from Spike who was still limply passed out on Mac’s back. “Guys… I think… something is happening…” He sat down on the floor, making sure to lie down before the second wave hit.

The Night Before…

“Guys! Hey… Hey! HEY! C-check this out!?” Rob looked over to what appeared to be a notice board. Through blurry eyes, he managed to stagger over toward a large sign next to a giant circular building. He looked behind and found Spike wobbling down the road behind him, talking to what appeared to be a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ sign clutched tightly in his arms.

Everything went dark for a while, and upon opening his eyes, Rob found himself peering over a number of sheets of paper. He felt something soft in the palm of his right hand, and after looking down, he found himself propped up on Vinyl, who in turn was propped up on a log just below the board.

“Right… things to do… things… thing. Things? This word really does have a tangy sound to it… Can words be tangy?”

“Mares, Stallions and… whatever Spike is; I have decided to be more involved in the community, and as such, will pick a random task on this board, and do it, regardless of what it is!” He laughed, “Although, there is no way I’m gonna be on street corners!”

“Haha! Imagine pony hookers!”

Reaching out and closing his eyes, he pulled a notice away from the board, falling off of Vinyl as he did. “Right!”

While lying in the dirt, he found three faces peering over him, blocking out the moonlight. “I… can’t read it. Someone else do it.” He passed the paper back, and got to his feet shakily, turning to Mac who read out;

“Cookin’ lessons…”

Rob faced the stallion with a look of confusion on his face. “Cooking lessons… No way, man!” He rolled his eyes as the others wobbled about around him. “I mean, fine… gimme that.” He swiped the sheet away from Mac. “Ok, so... ugh… something, something, something, learn to cook, something, something, something, must be willing and at least able to already make basic dishes… yada, yada, yada, ok, I don’t care!”

Mac smiled at him, “And, you’re gonna learn cookin’?” He sounded a little cocky to Rob.

Rob barely registered what he was saying, finding himself too preoccupied with watching Spike dance with the sign clutched between his claws. It was amusing seeing a creature so small, carry a sign so big.

Vinyl looked over to Rob, “So, dude, we need more drink... and like, food.”

Rob shot her a smirk, patting her on the head in a patronising way, “Don’t you worry, Vinyl, don’t you worry!”

Present Time:

Rob faced the trio, “Well, that explains that.” He got a few astonished nods in response. “I… suppose we should find that sign. I mean, I got no other ideas.” He glanced around once again, “Alright, let’s see if it’s back at the library, sound good? Anyone else got any ideas?” A few mumbled acknowledgements were sent his way, and the convoy resumed its journey, heading for their next destination; the library.

The library was quiet, which was strange, as Rob imagined Twilight to be the type to already be up by this time. He looked it over and found nothing out of the ordinary. He shrugged and raised his hand to the door, about to knock.

“Whoa… N-not again!?” He felt the dizziness take over once more.

The Night Before… Episode Two:

“Honey, I’m home~!” Rob burst through the door into the library. “What?” He waited for a moment, “No warm greeting?” He waved the others on in, seeing as they’d all sort of slumped by the door. “And Spike, that would look great right… somewhere.” He pointed at the sign, tripping over the sofa as he walked into the main area.

“This is a pretty sweet place, dude! A house, in a tree... It’s like a tree house, but not!” Vinyl commented.

“I know, right!?” He walked through into the kitchen as Mac found a comfortable seat on the sofa.

“G-guys… I t-think we need this…” Spike slurred out, “Right about… here.” He jammed the sign into the base of the stairwell, blocking it up for anyone trying to use it.

“Good call, my man!” Rob had found Spike’s apron and was flicking the through the many drawers of the library, trying to find ingredients and utensils. “Time for a cooking-class trial! People, prepare for some fine-ass cuisine, Imma bakin’ up some… ugh… food!” He paused. “And drink! More drink for all! I know Twilight had some wine around here somewhere!”

A cheer erupted from the living room as news of the food and drink got out. “Woo! Make pasta!” One voice called out.

“You got it!” Rob shouted back through the library. He turned back to the kitchen, “Right, let’s do thi-”

“What the actual FUCK do you think you’re doing!?” Rob dropped everything and turned to face the voice.

“T-T-Twilight…?” Rob looked at the fuming unicorn in front of him. “Y-you… swore?”

“You swear all the time!?” She was breathing deeply, as if trying to contain a blood curdling rage. “Why can’t I!?” Her eyes contained fires of pure anger and malice.

“Yeah, but, I’m allowed to. I don’t wanna corrupt you ponies too much, too soon.” He shrugged and turned back to his cooking.

“Don’t you dare start cooking again! Why the hay are you here anyway!? And why do you think you can wake me up at this time of night? And… how drunk are you!?”

Rob smiled and walked over to Twilight, who looked adorable, shouting at him angrily from the ground. “Ah, Twi, Twi, Twi…” He sat down next to her and pulled her into a close hug. “Just calm down… Those are all very good questions.” He began stroking her mane as she slowly grew more and more angry. “Why am I here? Well, I thought I needed to get more involved in the community, and as such, have taken up cooking lessons. I thought that some practise beforehand would do me some good, and so, here I am, making everyone… pasta!”

She growled at him as he continued. “You see, pasta is tasty and stuff… So, why do I think I can wake you? Well, I hadn’t really thought about that… I just thought you’d still be up or something. You know, we did just have a party! I usually get home drunk and take off ALL my clothes and get to business… but, that’s a story for another time. So, I thought you might be doing the same.” Her face flushed red as he pulled her in tighter. “And lastly, how drunk am I? Hmm… On a scale of Ozzy Osbourne to Charlie Sheen? About Mel Gibson. Although… I’m less high than all of them… which is a shame.” He turned his head to Twilight and nuzzled her cheek. “Say… want some pasta?”

Not More Than One Minute Later:

“OUT!”

The group had been forcefully ejected from the library and cast out into the street. As it turned out, Twilight did not want pasta.

“Well, that’s just rude…” Vinyl commented.

“Eeyup…”

“Wow, I’ve never seen her like that before! That was sweet!” Spike laughed, falling onto the ground in the process.

Rob rubbed his head. “Ha, magic feels funny~ I have never been telekinesissed before.” He looked at Spike. “Oh, and we should probably not come back here for a while, else we risk getting killed. With magic.” He grabbed onto Mac to pull himself up. “She seems pretty good at that…”

Present Time, Again, Again:

“Right. Well.” Rob turned to the others behind him, just as Spike began to wake up. “I vote we do NOT go back in there. I cannot see that ending well.”

The others gingerly nodded, looking at the windows of the tree, hoping that they weren’t under the angry gaze of the purple mare inside. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea to me…” Vinyl added.

And so, the group headed back off to the bar, making idle chat along the way.

“So, I hear you’re a DJ, Vinyl?” Rob asked the white mare.

She pranced in front of him, “Sure am! The best Ponyville can offer!”

Rob looked at her. “This is a small town, surely you’re the only one Ponyville can offer?”

She stuck her tongue out at him, “Yeah well, they want me everywhere!”

“I bet they do…” He shot her a cheeky grin.

“Ha-ha, very funny. But seriously, I’ve played in Canterlot, Manehattan, Stalliongrad and Fillydelphia, I’ve played them all.”

“Fair enough.”

“Then, why did you stay in Ponyville, Vinyl?” A small voice came from behind the two.

Rob saw that Spike was finally sitting up on Mac and looking half coherent. “Good question.”

Vinyl smiled, “It’s pretty simple really; this place is my home, and I love it here! I wouldn’t leave for anything, well… unless something really bad happened and the world needed me!”

The group laughed. “Yeah, that’s a good reason.”

Spike looked up at Rob as they walked through the park, “Do you think of Ponyville as your home yet?”

The little dragon looked confused as the human shook his head, “Nope. Not yet.”

“B-but I thought you liked it here?” He stood up on Mac’s back.

“Oh, I do.” Arc faced the road again, responding to Spike. “But it’s only been a week, and this is all still very new to me. Give it time, dude. I mean, currently, this feels like the best holiday ever! And as soon as that feels normal, I know I can call this place my home.”

Spike seemed to like that answer, and sat down again, trying to settle his stomach. “So… where are we going again?”

“Back ta the bar…” Mac grumbled, looking around at the town as it began to spring to life.

The four of them were lounged around in the empty bar owned by Berry Punch. They were all feeling rather sorry for themselves and unsure of what to do. Faint memories had begun to come back to them sporadically, and on the walk back, Rob had found what was left of Vinyl’s shades in his back pocket. She was not happy about that.

The dim lights made them all want to sleep again, and it was only the clattering about of Berry Punch that kept them awake. At some point, a small version of Berry had come out to play in the main room, a young filly, presumably Berry’s daughter Rob thought to himself. She was pretty cute, and was fair more acceptable to Rob at this time of the morning than the girls from earlier.

“Has… anyone got anything?” Rob moaned, slapping himself in the face.

“It just doesn’t feel right without the cast…”

“I might… I think I remember something.” The young dragon spoke up.

They all sat forward and looked at Spike, “Go on!” They spoke simultaneously.

The Night Before… Again:

“Ok, Spike, this is how this is gonna go; you are now being called Simba!”

“B-but why!? This is high, Arc, don’t drop me!”

Rob peered over the edge of the hay loft. “S’all good, I gotcha!”

“Arc, what the hay are ya doin’ up there, get yer flank down here!” Applejack called from below. “An’ don’t ya be droppin’ Spike!”

“And this is now… Pride Rock! Everypony, call me Rafiki!” Rob swayed on top of the dangerously high ledge. “Now… how does that song go…?”

“What the heck is wrong with you, Arc, get down!” He saw Rarity shout from the floor, waving her hooves in the air.

“Atta girl, Rar’, wave them hooves in the air like you just don’t care!”

She began to stomp, “That’s not the issue here, you could hurt yourself!”

“It’s fine, we have a doctor on call, right Redheart!?” He looked at the pink maned mare, along with all the others. She shied away a little. “Now… that blasted song… oh, right! Spike, be a baby lion for me! Here I go!” He took a deep breath, “AAAAI SUNVENGA!” He began to sway again, the loose hay not holding his footing very well. “Aaaand then I have no idea how it goes!”

“GET DOWN!” A chorus of voices shouted out!

“Fine, fine. Sheesh! Fine!” He turned to leave but fell, slipping on the loose hay. “Oh shi-! Hey, would someone mind catching me!?”

Present Time:

“Arc… it took both Twilight and Rarity using their magic to get you down safely…” Spike finished off his tale.

“Well, that only means one thing.”

“What?”

“We should stay the fuck away from Rarity too.” Rob sighed and yawned. “Vinyl, Mac, anything?”

Leaning back in the seats they were on, only Mac gave a response, “The only thing Ah remember is Spike talkin’ to stuff. He had quite the fling with a fairly pretty lampshade if I remember rightly…”

Spike went red at the accusation. “Well… I was drunk…”

Rob laughed, “You sure were little guy! And dude, no worries, she was a damn fine lampshade. And for the record, you cheated on her with the ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ sign.”

Spike laid his head in his hands as the others shared a chuckle at his expense. “Yeah well, I’ve just remembered something too!” The others stopped laughing and looked at him, “Arc, you challenged Vinyl to a stripping contest. That’s why you had her glasses, you said you won after you still had clothes on and she didn’t. If… this is all true, then she got annoyed and forcefully stripped you. There, not so funny now.”

Rob looked at Vinyl with a face of shock. “Y-you stripped me!?”

She shrugged, “Sounds like you asked for it. And hey, none of us really remember it.”

“That’s not the point!? What else did you do to me!?” He budged back along the sofa, away from her.

“Nothing that I know of…”

Rob sighed and looked over his clothes. They all appeared to be on him to some degree- minus the underwear, even if they were baggy and hanging off of him a little. He noticed little black marks on the edge of his t-shirt. He frowned at them. It didn’t look like mud, but there was definitely something there. The others noticed his concern.

Lifting his shirt up, he found a large patch of writing which simply stated; ‘If lost, please return to Princess Celestia of Equestria. Thank you.’

He smirked at the comedy value of the whole thing, before becoming confused about who could have written such a thing. It was sure as hell not there at the start of the night.

“Anyone remember this?” He asked, lifting his shirt up for them all to see.

Their eyes went wide as they read the text. Vinyl simply scoffed at him, “And you had a go at me for stripping you. Now look, you’re stripping yourself.”

“Shut it.” Rob let his shirt go. “I swear to god, we haven’t really discovered anything about last night…”

The others looked at him apathetically before glumly nodding.

“Hey, Berry,” Vinyl called through the back, “How did we even meet last night?” She stood up and trotted over to the bar, every step making a click on the hard wooden floor.

A few seconds later, the barmaid waddled back through to the front of the establishment, carrying a bucket of soapy water in her mouth. After depositing it on the work surface, she took a sip of what appeared to be brandy, and set herself back up on the counter. “Well, Vinyl, you should be able to remember this… You were here!”

Vinyl hopped up onto one of the many bar stools. “I know, I just wanna make sure I got my facts straight.” She grabbed a bottle of fizzy drink from behind the counter, “I just wanna hear you tell me, you have a fantastic memory for a drunkard.”

Turning her nose up at Vinyl’s comments, she began, “Well, it was pretty late, and I was just about to close up when you appeared. You have a bad habit of that, Vinyl…” Vinyl scowled at her, “Well, after that we got to drinking and it wasn’t too long before those three turned up as well, already completely hammered out of their minds, which between you and me,” She leaned in closer, “Is strange for Big Mac, as he can usually hold his drink better than most…” She pulled back again. “Anyhow, you guys got talking, and even I joined in towards the end! You had cards out and were playing some sort of game that the human knew, and well… I just couldn’t resist!”

“Whoa there, Berry. You almost fell over there…” The DJ placed a hoof on her friend to steady her.

“Err… sorry. So yes, after that, you and the human got talking about music.”

“Oh, yeah!” Vinyl remembered, “We did! Thank you, Berry!” She sheepishly quietened down as the barmare frowned at her. “Heh, do go on…”

Berry coughed and continued, “Well, not much happened after that. You said you were gonna take them back to yours, but… that seems not to have happened.” She chuckled, “Looks like you had quite the wild night instead!”

“Thank you… and… that’s it?”

“Yeah, you all left, even more drunk than you came, which is actually quite an impressive feat.” She thought for a moment, “I think you all rode out…”

“Rode?” Vinyl questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, Arc sat on Mac, you perched on Arc’s shoulders and Spike sat on you.” She deadpanned the DJ. “Yes, that is what I had to witness when you guys left last night.”

“Wow, we really did drink a lot.”

Vinyl’s attention was disturbed by Rob calling out to her from behind, “Hey, Vinny, I think I remember us knocking on people’s doors last night and waking them up!”

The mare winced.

“Yeah, and then I asked them if they could spare time for Jesus…” He shared her grimace.

“Sweet Celestia… let’s hope no one knows it was us!” She walked back over to him. “You didn’t actually meet anypony face to face, no…?”

He pondered the question a bit, “Well, I don’t think so… I mean, no one wanted to answer the door at that time of night… no matter how loud I shouted…”

“Good, I really don’t want my name being ruined. And who’s this Jesus guy?”

“Umm… just some famous person back where I come from… Don’t worry about it.” He shrugged it off. “Well, I’m not gonna lie to you guys, I have to go to work, fun, fun, fun!” He sighed as the others looked on. Mac was falling asleep in his chair again and Spike was zoning out. “Well, it’s not too bad; I do like them gals…” He moaned. “Right. Wish me luck.” He stood up and walked to the door.

“Arc, wait!” He turned to see Vinyl walking after him. “We need to talk about something at some time, you live with that Twilight girl at the library, yeah?” He nodded, “Good, I’ll be dropping in at some point.”

“Well, ok… It’s nothing bad I hope?”

She smiled, “Nope!”

“And… you’re not pregnant or anything?”

“W-why would you even ask that!?”

“Just making sure… Anyhow, see you guys later! Mac, have a good rest. Spike, hope you feel better later, I’ll see you back home. Vinyl, umm, cheers for the night, and see you round. Berry!” He called through the back to where the mare was once again. “Thank you for your hospitality! See you soon!”

And with those final words, he left the bar and headed off down the road, feeling much better than when he had first woken up, only an hour or so before.

“Ok, Celly, work your magic!”

“One compass coming straight up!”

“Thank you, my dear!”

“Onwards!”

Later That Evening:

“Well, I knew this was going to happen eventually!”

Rob was standing outside the door to Ponyville library, dreading the oncoming meeting. After remembering what he’d done to Twilight the night before, she was the last person he wanted to speak to. A mixture of guilt and fear made him not want to touch that door handle, more than anything else in his life.

Plucking up courage, he twisted the knob and cracked the door open a little bit, peering inside. There was no sign of Twilight, and everything seemed calm. Too calm… He advanced with trepidation.

“Twilight?” He whispered into the empty building.

There was no response. Part of him was happy about that, but another part just wanted to get everything over and done with. He walked a little further inside the building. From across the way, he spotted the ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ sign propped up against the wall, moved from its previous position in the stairwell.

“Well, it’s nice to see you home safe and sound…” He heard a feminine voice softly speak to him.

“Twilight?” He calmly asked back.

“Yeah…”

“Why are you hiding away? Umm… where even are you?”

“I’m right in front of you… I- I casted an invisibility spell…”

“Why though?” He stepped further into the room, throwing his hoodie onto the sofa.

“Well, I didn’t know how to face you after last night…” Her voice had a sad tone to it.

“Wait, Twi. You’re worried about seeing me!? I’ve been scared of seeing you! I was a dick last night! You don’t know how to face me? Call me an asshole and hit me, that’ll make me feel a lot better…”

“But…” The voice changed location. She was obviously pacing around. “I lost my temper with you…”

“Fuck me. Stop being so nice! I was the one in the wrong there, not you! So, take that invisibility spell off, and come and shout at me! I’ll feel a lot better after that!”

The pacing sound stopped as the mare stood still and relinquished her grip over the spell, allowing her form to be seen once more. She wore sad features and her eyes were downcast. Rob walked over to her.

“I’m really sorry, Twi…” He crouched down to her level. “I was an ass last night, and… yeah. I apologise.”

She looked up and smiled to him, “And I’m sorry for shout-” He stopped her.

“No, no you’re not. It was justified.” She smiled again and tucked her head over his shoulder, giving him a hug.

“Thanks…”

“No worries gal.”

As it turned out, Spike had come home a number of hours earlier and collapsed into his basket. Every now and then, the pair downstairs would hear him stir and run to the bathroom, but from what Twilight said, it was a good learning experience, and all of the past nights activities would make a great letter to Celestia. Rob had to agree, after all, he knew that the Princess would get a kick out of hearing the whole story told again.

Amusingly, that night, they had pasta for dinner.

Rob sat on the sofa downstairs, flicking through one of Twilights various beginner magic books. Letting out a yawn, he put the book down on his chest.

“I bet you really got a kick out of all this, didn’t you?”

“You have no idea…”

“Do you even know the meaning of the word ‘compassion’?”

“I think I’ve heard it before… somewhere.”

“Nice, nice… Well, one last thing. That thing written on my chest. Was that you?”

“No, that wasn’t actually.”

“Then… who?”

“I think I might have an idea… isn’t that right sister?!”

“Luna!?”

“Me!? Why, I would never do such a childish thing!”

“Well, we’ve just established that you’re still lurking in my head… you’re just as much a creepy stalker as your sister…”

“I just didn’t want you getting lost! That’s all!”

“Well, I thank you for your concern, but, if that’s all, Imma hit the hay. Night you two.”

“Night!”

The two voices spoke simultaneously, fleeing his mind.

“Well, that’s now sorted out nicely.” Rob remarked to himself. “Who woulda thought, it was Luna… now there are no more mysteries and all is well with the world.”

“You’ve had a good day then?” Twilight questioned, entering the room from the kitchen.

Rob looked over to her. “You know what? It’s been better than I thought it would be. So yeah, not bad.”

She smiled. “Good!” She paced back to the kitchen, pulling a book from a shelf with her magic as she did. “Seems like things are settling down a little bit now, doesn’t it?”

Standing up from the sofa, Rob headed towards the stairs. “Sure does.” He turned just as the last of Twi’s flank rounded the corner into the kitchen. “Well, I have to get some sleep, Twi. It’s been a long day, so, ugh, night!”

He began to walk up the stairs, laughing one last time at the sign still stood in the corner. He heard Twilight call good night back to him, and went to his bedroom. It surprised him that he was actually sleeping in his own bed again. Those times were becoming less and less frequent.

Casting his clothes aside, he collapsed onto the bed.

“Well, not gonna lie. Trying to keep pace with this place will have me dead by the age of twenty-five.” He smirked to himself as he heard Spike make another dash for the bathroom downstairs. “Heh, you’ll learn little guy, you’ll learn…”