DO NOT READ THIS: KEPT ONLY FOR INSPECTION

Dinner was great, we had my baguette and Price had bought carrots from Golden Harvest and cheese from somepony he didn’t know. It was delish. He boiled the carrots and we ate the cheese with the baguette like a sandwich. Mustard was really expensive around these parts, so I didn’t waste any bits on something not mandatory.

The next day, Derpy didn’t show up to work. I had to work the kitchen and Ditzy worked the counter.

It didn’t work out.

Ditzy gave out 3 wrong orders, and let the Cutie Mark fucking Crusaders work the counter. Bi-i-i-i-g mistake. It was no better the other way around, she mixed up sugar and flour and gave a “free raisin” in every meal she made. After three days, I couldn’t take it, I told Ditzy we were closing early.

“Oh, ka-a-a-a- y” she said. She talks really super slow. She bounced down the street, running into a lot of ponies. I had to find Rainbow Dash. She’d know where Derpy lived. At least if she lived in Cloudsdale or not. If she lived in Cloudsdale, I’d be fucked.

I tracked down Rainbow and waved her down. She looked frustrated. She was going so fast I was exhausted.

“Hey… *pant* She hasn’t shown up *pant* to work in days and *pant* I’m trying to find her. *pant* I need your help to see if she *pant* lives in Cloudsdale or not.*pant* Woo, you’re fast” I panted.

While I caught my breath, Rainbow Dash asked “Who?”

“Derpy Hooves” I say. Her expression goes from frustrated to worried.

“Um… Uh… Important we-weather Pegasus bu-business… Yeah! Pony Pegasus weather! Business. Good? No… Um. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” she lied. I knew she was lying.

“You are a horrible liar. Where is she? She’s the only one who can control Ditzy! And I can’t do 2 jobs at once! And besides, Derpy is my friend; I’d be devastated if I never saw her again!” I really would be. She is one of my best friends since I got to Ponyville.

“That’s not what she said…” mumbled Rainbow

“What did she say?”

“I can’t tell you! It’s secret!”

“Fine! At least tell me where I can find her!” I really needed to know what that secret was. But I’m not the convincing type. I’m the snooping type.

“She lives over near her muffin shop, two doors down to the left” I started that way, but pulled behind a nearby barn at the last second.

“Okay, Derpy, you can come out of the clouds now”

“Did you tell him?”

“No, I’m not like that. But I also don’t like this lovey-dovey do da day”

“Well, is it weird to have a crush on him?” Eek. Harry was right, but I couldn’t tell him. I then realized I was blushing. I looked into the window as a mirror, and I was a good crimson. Yeesh.

“Yes, it is. He’s an alien from another universe, and you’re a pony” With that, I realized I liked Derpy back. But, as Rainbow had said, I’m an alien. Then I realized something. I’d have to go to Twilight and get myself pony-fied.

“How do I deal with this?”

“Go back to work, talk to him, I’m sure he’ll understand. And I actually understand what you’re saying. He’d be a real hottie if he were a pony” I turned a deeper shade of red. But then I realized that was… Pinkie Pie? I sneaked a peak. Yep. And Applejack, too.

“I don’t see him as a ‘hottie’, but he would darn cute” said Applejack. Damn. Was I dreaming? I woke up. Yep. But Derpy and Rainbow were still talking

“I don’t know, he is a cool guy, though. If anyone, Soarin’ is the hot one” So she does have a crush on Soarin’

“Okay. If you guys say so” decided Derpy

“And besides. He can’t do anything on his own!”

That’s not what I said! Well, my face wasn’t crimson anymore, so I did the unthinkable.

“Hey, Rainbow! I checked where you said! She’s not home, and Ditzy’s still roaming the streets and—Hey! Derpy! I’ve been looking for you! You’re the only one who can control Ditzy! And I can’t do 2 jobs at once! And besides, your is my friend; I’d be devastated if I never saw you again. Why’d you bail like that?” I tried to sound as innocent as possible.

“Damo?” her wall eyes were directly up in the left (or right from her perspective) and down in the right (or left from her perspective) “I think we need to talk”

She sounded smarter than she ever had before. She talked to me about her feelings and all that mushy shit. I stroked her mane and told her about what I felt and my plans to be a pony. She looked kind of surprised, but I think she understood. She tried to fly away, but ran into the shed.

“Now, to see my friends and Twilight Sparkle”