Chapters The Adventures of Nick the Knife and Steven Magnet
Prologue
Hello. My name is Nick, Nick the Knife; also known as sir Knifely the sharp. Once I was a normal knife like everyknife else. Until one faithful day.
I was born in the forge of the royal Canterlot Blacksmith, with Tartarus like temperatures surrounding my eternal being. I was one of the best and finest knifes the blacksmith ever made and because of this received a sandalwood handle. If this wasn’t good enough, I was brought to princess Celestia as her own personal knife.
It was year seven BL [(Before Luna) No, not before she was born, but before she came back from her thousand year banishment on the moon!] when I got my title as sir Knifely the sharp.
Princess Celestia discovered a new student to teach about a year ago and brought her to dinner for the first time. Her name was Twilight Sparkle, a little unicorn filly.
It was a good time. Apparently the best time of my short life. Unfortunately it was over soon.
Hardly two years after I received my title I was knifenapped.
I really don’t hold anything against the knifenapper. Sure. At first I was furious and if I could, would have stabbed him, but I soon found out that he had debts with some griffon Mafioso and had to knifenap me, so they wouldn’t burn down his house, with his wife and his two little girls still inside. Because of this I swore to myself to never ever play poker.
For the next three years I suffered under the horrible food of an old griffon mafia boss.
Fortunately for me, his son was killed a few weeks ago (Must have helped the old fart to finally pass away.), so his grandson was taking over. He couldn’t use most of the stuff from the old fart and sold most of it to anyone who was interested.
The bar was run by a, always drunk, pony, who cared for nothing in the world as long as there was enough booze around to drink. Guess what? That idiot of an owner ruined himself in two years flat. Two years! Can you believe this? That forktard just drank half of the stuff himself, raging at anypony that would dare to even think about getting between him and his beloved cider.
In the meantime this rough son of a hydra called bar*tender* (Hellooohoooooo!) used me like a butcher knife and managed to break off my precious sandalwood handle. He then replaced it with, believe it or not, a bad fitting ordinary pinewood handle. Pinewood! What in tarnation do I look like? Some stupid old, doesn’t matter what it looks like, kitchen knife?! But wait there is more! Don’t think it’s just over jet. As he glued me to this crappy piece of wood, he covered his hooves in glue too and was glued to the bar with me right next to him. Sometimes I still want to face steel myself for his lack of intelligence. However. After he and I were freed again, that foal did it. He laid me to close to the edge of the bar and I fell off to the ground and beneath the bar. I was sure he would notice that I was gone, but noooooo, he just went on, got another knife from somewhere and left after his shift was over in the morning.
(Note to myself: Rip his balls off someday.)
As soon as the old owner went bankrupt, he sold the bar to somepony else and this one finally had some taste.
For the next five years, there was nothing special going on, except that little incident at princess Luna’s return from her thousand year banishment on the moon as Nightmare Moon, nearly bringing nighttime eternal, only stopped by the bearers of the Elements of Harmony (Twilight is the most powerful of the party. I’m so proud that mare did It.), turned into her old kind self again and getting back together with Celestia again. (What? I’m a knife. This is not that interesting for me at all. Only mentioned it because of Twilight.)
I was treated rather well the time being. I attended several banquets and cut my way through the lives of normal ponies as well as some fancy ones. From time to time I heard some nice gossip about what have been going on lately. You know relationships, crushes, debts to be paid, bla bla bla, uninteresting rubbish, bla bla.
The interesting part began, as I was laid on a table prepared to hear the same old stories again and again. But not this time. I ignored the two mares that were sitting at the table at first, but as the name Twilight fell I was curious to hear from her again. I switched my attention from the oh so interesting pattern of the tablecloth, which suddenly got boring as Tartarus, to the two mares, in order to hear more about her. If I would have had eyes then, they would have popped out instantly. I was not only witnessing a conversation about Twilight, I was witnessing a conversation with Twilight. I was sure that she’d recognize me, but she didn’t.
Bad luck never far from me, she didn’t calm down.
Her date was making a move touching her hoof to look if Twilight was all right. That was enough for her to lose concentration and turn me into a rocket, speeding through the room, cutting off a fair amount of her date’s hair, missing an older mare that was seated next to them, flying out of the only real window that was fortunately open, slicing my way through some more manes, half a pair of mutton chops and a mustache, before flying off into the Everfree Forest, still wrapped in Twilight’s magic grip.
It was strange that it didn’t already fade away or brought me back to the restaurant.
The Adventures of Nick the Knife and Steven Magnet
Chapter 2
We were walking through the woods for several hours now and spoke about this and that.
“You heard that?” Steven asked me nervously.
“Maybe just a rabbit or something like this?” I halfway asked a bit unsure myself.
Another sound came from behind us. This time we heard rustling and breathing, but there was still nothing to be seen.
“Are there any creatures in this forest that are able to turn invisible?” I asked Steven, concern rising in my voice.
“No. From what I know, there are no such creatures, but there is one that is very close to it.” He answered, taking in a defensive position. “Timberwolves.”
From the shadows and seemingly nowhere a pack of wolves was all around us now.
They were circling us like we were some sort of food, presented on a silver plate.
It’s right. We maybe looked like something to be hunted down easily, but, as Luna herself is my witness, we are not.
The timberwolves tried to attack us frontal, but Steven just slapped them away, sending them flying to the ground.
Their attacks lasted for; I think it was, ten to fifteen minutes, with some of the timberwolves actually landing on his back, which I bravely got rid of, by cutting away some branches, making them howl in pain, dropping from his body.
As his dead body was dropping off of Steven, the rest of his pack got visibly nervous, backing away from us, because of this obviously dangerous, shining, cool knife. (What? I deserve it!)
This accident showed them, that we could really mean harm to them and they backed away even further, some of them limping for Steven and I sliced off some branches from their legs.
Before finally fleeing, they growled at us one last time and then disappeared as fast as their partly broken legs would carry them.
“Yeah, fear us for we are stronger than you! Flee like the little puppies you are! We will beat you up even worse if you dare to cross our path again!” I shouted and waved my fist at them. (Oh for Celestia’s sake! Stop asking where my body parts come from. I’ll tell you, when I know it. Until then, shut the fork up! Hearing the same question over and over again is getting annoying by the time.)
“OH NO!” Steven shouted under me. “They ruined my manicure!”
I simply face palmed. “Hey, come down. You sound like a total idiot now and remember that we are travelling across the land. That means they will get dirty and that you won’t have the time to care for your looks. Deal with it like a man in the name of Celestia and Luna!” I said annoyed.
“But they ruined my perfect appearance, and how am I supposed to go to Canterlot when I look like I crossed the way of a really angry dragon? They will never let me in! They will send me away and I will have to go back in here in the Everfree Forest! Oh this is the worst possible thing!” he continued complaining like a baby. Unfortunately he was as annoying and loud as a baby too.
“Oh, Tartarus! You can always redo your whole styling and whatnot when we arrive in Canterlot. Up until then stop being a crybaby and show me that you have got some balls.” (As you possibly see from my choice of words, I’m getting a teeny tiny bit pissed by now.)
“Alright, but I have to warn you. I will look awful and it will most likely take several hours, if not a day, for me to look acceptable again after we got near Canterlot.” He said bluntly.
“I think I can deal with it when we are there, but for now stop this whining and go on. It’s getting dark and travelling at night is not a good idea I heard. You know manticores and stuff hunting for food.” I mumbled in his ear.
We wandered around for a while searching for a safe place to sleep, (Ok, not we. He was still carrying me on his back. I must admit that it is really comfy up here. I could get used to it.) as I spotted a cave in the distance.
“Hey Steven. There is a cave in front of us. I think we should head in there and take a rest.” I whispered to him, not risking for any dangerous predators to her us.
“Where is it? I can’t… Wait I see it now. Yes, it is a good place to get some rest.” He whispered back.
Steven went over to the cave, careful not to make any loud noises and sighed in relief as we were inside of it.
“Ugh. Finally some place to rest. This day was sooo exhausting.” Steven said, rolling up like a garden hose.
“Yeah, it was. But it was fun too. Don’t you think so?” I asked him, but only got a mild snoring as an answer. ‘He is out cold. Must have been the hardest day in his life’ I thought and chuckled to myself. “Good night then Steven.” I mumbled and went to sleep myself.
The Adventures of Nick the Knife and Steven Magnet
It was nice to settle down in a somewhat safe place like that cave to get some shut eye.
When I fell asleep I dreamed of how I got back to Canterlot and of how Celestia would greet me. How she’d be delighted to see me and take me back into her royal life.
“What are you? A continental plate or something? Wake up you lazy retard and answer me!” I yelled rather loud in his ear, kicking his head multiple times.
“I wasn’t moving at all. It was the column. I was laying perfectly still all the time.” He replied drowsily and with an annoyed tone in his tone from being awakened in the middle of the night.
I instantly froze at his words, my mind snapping awake in a split second, but that slowpoke took his time to notice that something was going horribly wrong.
“Wait. Did I just said that the column moved?” he asked, fear creeping in his voice.
“Yes you did.” I whispered in his ear, not daring to raise my voice anymore.
“Why do you think so and why are we whispering now?” he asked me.
Seriously? He really isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
“Look up. That’s why.” I snarled still whispering.
The idiot looked up and with every bit his eyes gained, his scales were going from their normal purple color to a lavender tone and when he reached the end to a beautiful shimmering white.
The reason why he turned a pearly white every dentist would love to have for their patients’ teeth?
Meanwhile Steven was already breathing in to let loose and scream his lungs out, but I stopped him by slapping his ear.
“You moron!” I whispered harshly.
But Fortuna was lacking assistance here and so one of Stevens scales was standing out, cutting the Ursa in its flesh.
(Yeah. We are the deadliest treat an Ursa had ever faced. A prissy sea serpent and a knife not even coming close to the size of their cubs. Giant beasts of Equus beware for we are your extinction!
It turned its attention to the baby in her claws and looked for any marks on its body as if it was an egg and we were a snake that just tried to swallow it up in one bite and leave.
(I know the snake part would make some sense, but please. Every snake that’d try to eat something what was so big in relation would’ve ripped its skin apart and tore itself in two. Outch.)
When it turned back towards us its eyes were mere pinpricks. Pinpricks that were staring at us with pure anger.
“Um… Steven?” I asked the sea serpent.
“Y…y…yes Nick?” he responded shaking like a leave in a storm.
“Not to rush you or anything… but how about running away?”
“T…t…that is a g…g…good idea.”
“Then for Celestia’s sake……. RUN!” I screamed and grabbed into Stevens mane for dear life.
We screamed like mad as the Ursa came closer and closer, ready to tear us into pieces for the cold buffet table.
As it was into striking distance it drew back its claw to smash us in the ground and grind our bodies to dust.
Three seconds after this we landed on solid ground with an audible thud.
Steven must’ve hit it pretty hard or with a big portion of bad luck because a small trail of blood was running down his sleeve.
Meanwhile the Ursa Major was, as far as I could see from down below, puzzled that we were just gone like this, but was apparently pleased with the result and went its way.
“I think we are safe now Steven. It left us alone… Steven?”
I woke up as the first rays of the sun hit my eyelids. I lifted myself up on Steven’s head, who was still snoring the day away and got up on my feet.
After a few stretches to get my limbs working properly again, accompanied by some loud pops of my newfound joints, I knocked my companion on his head to wake him up too.
“Wakey wakey sleeping beauty. The evil queen is here.” I singsonged into his ear. Loudly.
“Ooooh… please stop.” He whimmered.
“Hey! No discrimination here!”
“Sorry. It was a metaphor. But what happened? I just remember running away from the Ursa Major and then I woke up.” The purple sea serpent faggot asked me.
“Oh, not much. The Ursa was about to slice us into bite sized pieces as the ground beneath us gave way and we fell down here. It seems that you hit your head pretty hard, because you were out cold in a second. The Ursa left us alone too. It must have thought that it had killed us right on the spot and walked away. Anyways it’s gone now.” Needless to say that brain dead joke of a predator was looking confused as Tartarus.
“What?”
“Ok. Because you are slow and I slept pretty well. We. Are. Safe. For now.” ‘Seriously, how can a being, able to talk and to build sentences, be so dense?’
“Alright, but where are we? This air is getting my hair all frizzy!” ‘Why Celestia? Why?’
“Could you stop complaining about your looks for now? I already told you that you can style yourself up after we got near Canterlot. For now we have to get there first.” I growled, nearly facescaling due to my momentary position on his head.
“No need to be so rude. I’m just caring for my looks and want others to see it.” He whined, puffing his cheeks and crossing his arms like a little foal that was just turned down on its wish for sweets.
‘No. Bad hand. Stay away from my face. Don’t even think about it.’
“Oh for Luna’s sake Steven! Stop acting like a spoiled brat and concentrate. We have to get out of this cave somehow if we want to get anywhere anytime soon.”
“So how do we get out of here?” Steven asked dumb as ever.
“Seriously? I have no idea as of now. Since no one of us went deeper into the cave or tried climbing out of it I doubt anyone of us would know.” I deadpanned.
“That makes sense somehow.” His mastermind combined.
‘Mother of Celestia! This trip is either going to kill me or leaving me mentally scarred.’
I groaned in frustration and let it slide.
“Now we have to get moving. What do you think? Can you climb up there and out the way we came in?” I asked, pointing to the hole in the ceiling where we glided in so gracefully in the night.
“I don’t think so. I was never a sportsserpent to begin with and starting now would do us no good I guess.” He commented, seemingly in deep thought.
‘Gotta give that one to him. That was Forking smart for his standards.’ I thought
For the next few hours the big forktard was actually useful. He crawled through the area like a real serpent. Alright. He got dirty and messed up, but I can cover my ears when he starts wailing about how he looked later.
“You know, I simply can’t do without a good fire in my home. How in Equestria would I make my hot towels for after my beauty mud mask, while I’m coming out of my perfectly temperature bathtub?”
Scrap that.
“At least we are getting forward.” I said just to see a solid wall after the next corner.
“Now that is something. A brick wall in a cave.” I wondered.
“Maybe. I don’t know. I could possibly do it, but you’d have to loosen the mortar first, so I can push it in more easily.” He said thoughtful.
“You know that I can’t really do it myself Steven. Do you?” I deadpanned.
We were staring at each other for several seconds before I allowed him to grab me.
About half an hour and several brick hits to my poor blades tip later, Steven weakened the wall enough to give it a try.
“Great Steven! Come on, go at it again! It’s nearly down!” I cheered for him.
‘And that’s what you get for slamming me into the bricks so many times.’ I thought with a devlish grin.
“See? It wasn’t that bad.” I commented.
“Tell that my shoulder. My muscles hurt and worst of all, my beautiful shinny scales have scratches all over them now! It will take forever to get them like they were before.”
“What did I say to you?” I asked, sighing heavily.
“You said that I can restore my fabulous appearance once we get near Canterlot. I know that. But it is heartbreaking to see these things happen. I mean, just look at me! I’ll need a six hour bubble bath and a clawicure at least. Not to mention my hair needs to be cut and combed and my scales need to be polished. This will take forever!” he whined with a pained expression on his face.
“Oh stop it already! You can bath comb and polish all you want when we are at the end of our trip. But for now do me one favor, alright?”
“Yes?” Steven said, a tear running down his face.
“Cut! It! Out!” I yelled at him, looking him dead in the eye.
“I think I can do that.” He sniffed a bit startled.
Now that I finally managed to save the day from Steven’s whining, yes bouquets and presents are welcome, we were ready to see what was behind wall number one.
Author's Note
Thought I'd write some more.
The Adventures of Nick the Knife and Steven Magnet
Chapter 1
“Oh no, my beautiful moustache! Not again!” the sea serpent yelled. He cried and tossed himself around like someknife just broke his arm.
“Oh quit crying like a Celestia damned baby! Better help me getting out of here!” I said, trying to wiggle myself free, pressing my hands and feet against the tree.
‘Wait. Did I just? ... Do I have? … What in the name of Celestia’s mother is going on here?!’ I thought, freaking out on the inside, frozen outside.
The sea serpent was another one. He froze immediately, as he heard my voice. He turned left and right, but couldn’t find anyknife. Then it finally drowned into him. Slowly turning around, he started screaming like a school filly that discovered a rotten body of another pony for the first time and backed away to the edge of the river.
“Y…y…y…you talked! You have arms and legs! B…but you are a knife! That’s impossible!” he screamed, nearly waking half of the Everfree Forest.
I calmed myself down as good as possible and started to speak again, hoping this wiener wasn’t freaking out again. “Ok. You freaked out enough. Would you kindly help me out of here now, before I rust away?”
“No! No, that can’t be possible! You cannot speak! You’re a knife!” he screamed again, with peaks in his voice, which no man should be able to reach.
“Well duh. I am a knife. What do you thought I would be? A manticore? A timberwolf? Or even a dragon? No. As you observed right I am a knife, captain state the obvious, and I will always be. Now. If you would do me the favor to calm the fork down and free me from this tree, then I would be really grateful. You know it kind of sucks to be stuck in a tree.” I said, glaring annoyed at him.
(How I glared at him? Don’t ask me. I have no forking idea of anything that’s going on here.)
His pupils shrank to the size of toothpicks while he moved towards me slowly and carefully. He grabbed my handle as soon as I had tucked my arms and legs to it and pulled with an immense wrath, which I hadn’t suspected within such a whiny coward. It felt like he was about to tear me in half any second now, but instead I started slipping out of this Celestia damned tree painfully slow.
As soon as the last bit of me slipped out of the tree, the sea serpent reacted too slow and fell backwards.
“Whoa!” he busted out in a more masculine tone as he let go of me, which sent me flying, and tried to soften the impact with the ground of the river with his hands.
‘Brace yourself. The pain is coming.’ I thought to myself, since I had my arms and legs just for a few minutes and forgot to use them. Silly me. And then the pain came, but not as I expected. It was more like a sting of a mosquito. I hardly felt anything.
The sea serpent on the other side groaned as got back up again. “Ow, that hurt.” He said to himself.
“Sorry for that, but thank you for pulling me out. That was very kind of you.” I said, getting up myself.
“No problem.” He said, finally accepting the fact that I was a talking knife.
“I’m glad that I could help you out, but now to the important things. Why did you cut off my moustache?” he asked me, whining again at the last sentence.
“It wasn’t on purpose. I swear.” I said to him.
“That doesn’t matter. I want to know why.”
“Whole story?” I asked.
“If it’s necessary.” He sighed.
“Oh. I think I know her. One of her friends was very generous to me. She cut off her tail and completed my moustache again, after a purple dust cut it off. It was the most generous thing somepony ever did for me. No even anyone! On second thought, I’ve never met any pony before.” He said, the expression on his face changing from joy- to thoughtful.
“I seriously don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with the spell Twilight launched me with, or something else. Beats me.” I said and shrugged.
“All right. That seems legit, but now that you are alive what will you do?” the purple sea serpent asked.
“Hmmm… I hadn’t planned to come to life in particular. I’m not one to complain and am not going to, but I could think of a few places and situations I would have preferred coming to life than here in these cursed woods.” I said, mumbling the last part more to myself than to him.
Each other populated place would be dangerous too. I’m a walking and talking knife and this is confusing for everyknife, even here in Equestria. They’ll probably run away from me or even try to attack out of confusion.
‘Damned. I cannot risk scaring or even hurting any pony. How can I solve this problem?’ I thought to myself.
“Way? What way? What’s the problem?” he asked puzzled.
“No, no. It’s not important...aah…aem… Sorry, but what was your name again?” I asked awkwardly.
“Oh. I think we skipped the name exchange at some point. I’m Steven, Steven Magnet. May I ask you what your name is?” he asked, showing of perfect gentleserpent manners.
“My name is Nick. I think since I’ve got no last name just call me Nick the Knife, but I was given another name years ago, in Canterlot Castle, by Celestia herself. I was named Sir Knifely the sharp.” I said with pride.
“Ok. Now that we know each other’s name, what was this way you were talking of?” Steven asked me.
I sighed. “Ok. You won. I want to go back to civilization and do something useful. I don’t want to spend my newfound life in the Everfree Forest. That would be a waste.”
“I know what you mean. I’m living here and this is the place where the weirdest beings in all of Equestria are living and someone like you never crossed my way before. So if you go into, for example, Canterlot on your own, they will most likely freak out. Furthermore I believe that you are the only one of your kind?” I nodded with my, lets’ say, head. (Not really sure of this. Why? Hellooo? Knife?)
“Alright. Since you are the only one of your kind it’ll be hard for you no matter what. They are just not used to beings like you. You need someone who you can trust and rely on. Someone talking to the ponies, before they see you and run away hysterically. That might be the solution for your problem.” He continued reasoning my situation.
“Well. You do have a point there. But where do I find someknife who would do this for me? It’s not like I can go to any living being, which is able to speak and ask if it may help me. I would more likely scare the shit out of them. Unless you would be the one helping me, all hope is lost.” I said frowning.
“I would do it. I planned a vacation a long time ago, but had never the guts to go, or a reason. But if you want me to come with you now, I’d love to go.” Steven responded happily.
“Really? You would do that? Oh thank you!” I cried out, joy spreading all over my face. (Nope. Still no idea how I’m doing this.)
“No problem. Get on my back and we are ready to go.” He offered generously.
“Thanks. Would you mind bending down a bit? I’m rather short as you know.” I asked him awkwardly.
He nodded and bent down far enough for me to climb onto his back. I climbed up and took a hold of some of his shiny scales, signalizing that I was ready. He sat his hands on the ground and started to walk, pulling more and more of his long serpent body out of the water, until, after about thirty feet, his legs were coming out and finally, after another ten feet, his tail was out of the water too.
“So where do you want to go?” Steven asked, stretching and flexing his muscles to get warm.
“Let’s see. Ponyville is out of the question. I don’t want to meet Twilight in her state of mind. Fillydelphia would be too far away for now and Las Pegasus is too risky. I think we should head for Canterlot. I haven’t been there for quite a while. Celestia will more likely understand my situation and act in my favor.” I decided.
“Canterlot it is.” Steven said and got going.