Magister Factotum

“Do I need an introduction?” Yellow eyes stare into the camera from a impassive face. The pale white face slowly smiles. “As a Jack-of-all-trades, I want to know how to do everything and anything. You will see me journey across the world performing jobs and professions that are not widely known yet play pivotal roles in our society while also learning along the way.”

The camera pans from Shade and shows the surrounding scenery of Sweet Apple Acres. The camera flies through rows of apple trees and zooms into the air to give a bird’s eye view of the property. It dives towards a red barn with white trim and stops in front of Applejack and Shade, both of which wear the same outfit of brown cowboy boots, blue jean overalls, red flannel shirt, and red bandanas.

“You will watch as Applejack teaches me how to sex chickens. If you think this is a bestiality show, you are greatly mistaken. Those videos are on Applejack’s dark channel.”

“What?” Applejack’s smiling face turns as red as her bandana as she glares at Shade.

Shade laughs. “I jest, viewers, I jest.”

Applejack turns to the camera, “She most certainly is joking! I love all my animals in the most professional and familial of ways.”

“Shall we get started?” Shade grins.

Applejack and Shade walk through a barn where hundreds of chicks cheeping crescendos as the two draw closer to the sexing room. Shade looks back at the camera and looks at the sign above the door sill, a sly smirk slowly creeping across her lips.

“‘Sexing room.’” Shade reads aloud.

Applejack sighs and rolls her eyes. “Now, get your mind out of the gutter. This here is the room where the chicks get separated into cockerels and pullets.” Applejack says.

“So this is not where you were conceived by your progenitors?”

Applejack heaves another sigh. “No. That was Applebloom.”

Shade smiles. “How many chickens do you have at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack?”

“We have about two hundred chickens we here at Sweet Apple Acres use primarily for egg laying. A majority of those fresh eggs are used for our baked apple goods.” Applejack explains. Her smile falters. “We have a couple dozen hens getting a little old so we had half the eggs from three weeks ago be fertilized and they are hatched today and ready to start their life.”

Applejack and Shade are standing in front of a table. Next to the table are white plastic bins full of peeping chicks. On top of the table are cardboard boxes.

“I know what you all are thinking,” Shade says as she turns her back from the camera to reveal herself holding an egg in one hand and a fuzzy, yellow chick in the other, “Is Applejack single?”

“Shade!” Applejack whines and pulls her hat down to cover her scarlet face.

“The world may never know.” Shade nods. “What came first: the chicken or the egg?” Shade emphasizes by holding up the chicken and the egg closer to the camera. “The answer is obviously the egg.”

“Wouldn’t the chicken need to lay the egg first though?” Applejack inquires.

“In order for the chicken to appear, it evolved from its ancestors because of mutations. Mutations that happened while as an egg. It is not a far stretch to say that one day a dinosaur lays an egg and then out pops the chicken.”

The egg in Shade’s hand starts to shake. Cracks start to form and a tiny beak emerges from the egg. The chick peeps as it continues to break free of its calcium carbonate enclosure.

“Want to know more about chickens? If not, too bad, our resident animal specialist Fluttershy will tell us more about eggs.” Shade says as the chick kicks off the remaining egg shell. She hands the fluffy chick to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy holds the chick with teal eyes the size of plates that threaten to pop out of their sockets.

“Ahem. Fluttershy?” Applejack gently nudges her friend.

“It...it...it is just so precious!” Fluttershy awes. She coos and baby talks at the chick.

“Hey, Fluttershy, maybe tell the viewers what that white part on the chicks beak is. I am sure many wish to know.” Shade inputs off the camera.

“Oh!” Fluttershy beams from ear to ear. “See that white bump on the chick’s beak?” She asks while presenting the chin to the camera and pointing a finger at the beak. “That is an egg tooth which helps break the egg shell. Many reptile, bird, and monotreme embryos have an egg tooth. They usually go away a few hours after hatching.

Eggs are usually white because of the calcium carbonate they are made of. Passerines, ground-nesting birds, and chickens (our Gallus gallus domesticus here) have a variety of colored eggs because of biliverdin and its zinc chelate as well as protoporphyrin. All this applies to land vertebrate eggs though.”

Fluttershy breathes in a deep breath.

Shade zips behind Fluttershy and smiles at the camera. “Thank you, Fluttershy! Now, to the main reason we are here!”

Applejack and Shade sit at a table with a white plastic bin full of chicks before them. Cardboard boxes are to the left and right of the plastic bins. Old coffee cans are in the plastic bins with plastic liners. Lamps illuminate the chicks and keep them warm.

“There are a few methods to sex a chicken. I’ll show you two today. The first method is by checking the wings. Females will have longer primary feathers compared to the coverts; while male primary feathers and coverts are similar in length.” As Applejack explains the camera zooms in on the wing that Applejack is holding and has a clear shot of the feathers alternating in length.

“A female then.” Shade states.

“Eeyup!” Applejack flicks her wrist and sends the chick flying through the air and into the cardboard box on the right.

The camera swings over to Shade’s face as she holds it in front of her. “Pop quiz!” A quiet cheer is heard in the background. “What is a male chicken called and what is a female chicken called?”

Shade pushes the camera to focus on Applejack. Applejack grins. “Well, that’s easy! The males—“

“Times up!” Shade announces as her face takes up the view of the camera. “Males are dinner and females are lunch.” Shade laughs.

The camera pans over to Applejack wearing a flat expression. “Young males are cockerels and young females are pullets.”

Shade shrugs. “Same thing.”

“Anyways,” Applejack returns to her bin of chicks, “we gotta sort through these chicks quick like.”

“Roger, roger.” Shade salutes and sits at the other table.

“Wait!” Twilight’s voice is heard out of the frame, “what about the second method?”

“Oh.” Applejack chuckles. “Right. I was surprised when Twilight brought this up. The other way to sex a chick is called venting.”

“Looking up its butt. Got it.” Shade nods.

“First, you want to gently squeeze the chick, making sure its rear end is pointing into the coffee can to make it poop.” Applejack picks up a chick, points it towards the coffee can, a squeeze later and poop shoots out the chick and into the coffee can.

“Two points.” Shade comments.

“Now, we gently spread its cloaca and see if there is a bump or not.”

“Spreading cloacas upon first meeting? How forward of you, AJ. I like.”

“Well, you make a computer or something that can determine the chicks sex while letting them keep their dignity!”

Shade grins. “I thought Sunset was the one with mind reading powers? I will need a couple dozen chickens to test on.” She leans to the camera, “Humanly, of course.”

Applejack and Shade are each carrying five small cardboard boxes full of chicks. They stop in front of a small machine resting on a large steel table. Applejack set the boxes down and Shade follows suite.

“This is where we inoculate the chicks. The ones we brought are the ones we are selling to different farms. By law, all chicks must be immunized by twenty-four hours after hatching.” Applejack explains.

“Why?” Shade inquires as she checks the machine.

“There are a few diseases that chickens carry and can catch from outside sources. The biggest worry is Bird Flu which can jump species.”

“Zoonosis.” Shade comments from under the machine. She has the cover open and is inspecting the insides of the machine.

“The next worry is Avian Herpes.”

“If I am not mistaken, that is not zoonotic.” Shade has a screw driver and is tightening the screws of the panel.

“Right.” Applejack confirms. “It is the most preventable disease and most virulent.”

“And since it is a herpes virus, once the chicken has it, it has it for life.”

“Eeyup! Which is why Equestrian law requires the vaccination of chickens for those two viruses.”

Shade stands at the end of the machine with a chick in hand. “I believe that part sticking out of the machine is a valve the chick presses against and a pneumatic needle injects them, yes?”

“Eeyup.” Applejack nods.

“Does it matter how it is done?”

Applejack picks up a chick, presses its head against the valve, a small click is heard, and she deposits the chick into another box. “Like that.”

“Want to have a race?”

“Ain’t gunna be a race because I’ll win.” Applejack states as she walks over to another table with an inoculation machine. “I’ll even give you a head start.”

Shade turns to smile at the camera.

“Oh. Loser has to clean out ALL the stables.” Applejack adds.

“Good thing you are used to it then.” Shade chuckles. “Go!”

“Boys and girls, men and women, and everyone in between, we are at the end of the show. Leave a comment, write an email, or send me a letter telling me what you think and drop a suggestion for which job to work on next.” Shade scoops a cow pie with a shovel and dumps it into a wheelbarrow. A cow deposits another mound of pie onto the concrete close to Shade’s boots. “Thanks.” She says with a flat tone looking at the cow’s tail. She returns her gaze to the camera to say, “Until next time.”