Dangly Bits

Spike was not having a fun time playing Ogres and Oubliettes.

Pinkie, ever the silly bard, had managed to bring an entire enemy fortress to tears with a savage soliloquy of vicious mockery. Rainbow had snatched all the loot. And Big Mac had dragged Sugar Belle to today's O&O session, where they spent most of the time being too lovey dovey to care what was happening. It was frankly ridiculous.

And Discord was being Discord. At least he was nice enough to be the Dungeon Master for the last few months.

“You weren’t supposed to roll 5 20’s in a row Pinkie, that’s not how probability works at all,” said Discord.

“It’s not my fault the ogres got their feelings hurt so much they had to run home. They shouldn’t take everything so seriously.”

“Pinkie,” said Rainbow. “If I was an ogre, I think I would have collapsed on the spot. I know ‘Vicious Mockery’ is one of your spells, but sweet Celestia I didn’t know you could say such horrible things.”

“Is there still a fair maiden to rescue?” asked Big Mac.

“Yeah, I made this character sheet and everything,” said Sugar Belle.

Discord rolled a dice behind a piece of cardboard with an angry ogre on it. “Yes! You do. But… Big Mac make a perception check.”

“4,” said Big Mac.

“With that low roll, you do find the fair maiden, but she’s a…” Discord rolled some dice and then flipped a few pages in a book before landing on a species table. “Beautiful dragon!”

“Wait, but my character was supposed to be a pegasi,” said Sugar Belle.

“Yes!” said Discord. “But you’ve been cursed terribly by the ogre sorceress, Rezmerelickambrosia.”

“That is without a doubt, the worst name I have ever heard in my life,” said Spike.

“I’m making this up on the fly, okay!” said Discord. “And I still haven’t forgotten your wizard Urlumbriackistanley.”

“What’s wrong with those names?” asked Pinkie. “Personally I think Rezmerelickambrosia would make a great couple with Urlumbriackistanley. OOOH! If they got together we could call them Rezmerelickambrosiurlumbriackistanley. Or Reurl for short!”

“H—How in Equestria did you say those words with your mouth!?” asked Rainbow.

“Could you all focus!?” asked Big Mac. “Why has the fair maiden Treacle been cursed into a dragon?”

“Hold up a minute. Why is being a dragon a curse?” asked Spike.

Discord rolled some dice. “Yeah, the sorceress totally died, but she had to pass on all her magical powers before she passed and Treacle was the closest at the time. Sugar Belle, you can go ahead and give your character 5 levels in sorcery while in dragon form, but you can’t level up as a Cleric until you cure the curse.”

“Being a dragon isn’t a curse,” Spike mumbled quietly. Though perhaps it was a curse. What if the fair maiden had been pregnant? Would being turned into a dragon that hadn’t finished a century of puberty kill the foal inside her immediately?

Spike shook his head violently, as if knocking his head around would make the disturbing thought bounce away. Nopony had noticed him.

“No!” shouted Big Mac. “Treacle!? I’ll save you from this curse if it’s the last thing I do!”

“Weep not, Sir McBiggun! We’ll conquer this together!”

“And then our characters kiss,” said Big Mac. Sugar Belle blushed.

Spike would have gagged if he weren't so jealous.

“It’s a slightly different anatomy and Treacle isn’t used to having claws,” said Discord. “I’m gonna make you roll for it.”

“Seriously?” asked Big Mac. “12”

“Sugar Belle, roll 2d4 scratching damage.”

“WHAT!? Sir McBiggun only has 5 HP!” said Sugar Belle.

“2d4,” Discord smiled menacingly.

“Three,” eeped Sugar Belle. “And one. PHEW!”

“You almost killed me!” said Big Mac.

“Hey at least we got to kiss,” said Sugar Belle.

“You’ve been kissing all evening,” muttered Spike.

“AND END SESSION!” shouted Discord, making confetti and sparks fly out of his arms.

“Aww… I really wanted a Cleric,” said Pinkie.

“Soon,” said Discord, wrapping his talons and paws together menacingly. “Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!”

They all stared at him.

Discord coughed. “I haven’t had an evil laugh all session, I gotta do at least one.”

“Good game everypony!” shouted Pinkie. “Same time next week?”

“Sounds good to me!”

“Eeyup!”

“Sure.”

“Next week’s not great for me,” said Sugar Belle.

And so it went like that for another half hour. O&O always ended with an absurd amount of logistics and scheduling and banter and Spike could just not get himself to care at all about any of it.

He would have left early, but it was technically his house everyone was at and it felt too awkward to just disappear.

Why did every part of Big Mac have to be so big? Maybe dragon’s had been onto something with internal male genitals. It was just unseemly.

And yet why did Spike feel so envious? Knowing Big Mac, in sixty years he’d be a grandfather with over forty grandfoals and some great-grandfoals on the way.

All of which would be before Spike even finished puberty and had a chance to have a family of his own.

At least Discord had been kind enough to cover himself up with fur. As far as Spike could tell, Discord was modest in only that aspect of himself.

Eventually everypony had left but Discord who was still putting away an army of figurines of all kinds.

“Are you feeling well Spike?” asked Discord. “You didn’t really participate much today.”

Spike shook his head, “probably.”

Discord raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, uhh… yeah… I’m fine.”

Spike felt two disembodied hands lift him up into the air in front of Discord, who stared at Spike intently while stroking his own chin with the paw still attached to himself.

Discord shrugged and the hands disappeared, leaving Spike to plummet onto the floor.

“Ow!” shouted Spike.

“Yes, I guess you are fine. My mistake.”

Spike got up and dusted himself off. “Seriously Discord!? No! I’m not fine! You happy?”

“Really Spike? Lies!? Deception! It appears you were trying to get away with bamboozling me of all creatures.”

Spike cringed. “This really is not a subject I want to talk with you about at all.”

“Oh? And who would be better?”

Spike hunched low, “I don’t know. Maybe some old male dragon? It’s a dragon problem.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know I’m made up of quite a few creatures including dragon. This right leg for example,” the leg fell off with a pop, “is from my old buddy Pathos.”

“You stole those from creatures!?” asked Spike, horrified.

“I gave Pathos my original leg in return, and they like it very much, you can even ask them.”

“Wait, what? You still know this dragon?”

“Pathos? Of course! They can be a bit rough around the edges though. They don’t seem to like chaos very much I’m afraid. But they do have the most excellent leg. I could hug it I love it so much!”

And Discord did just that.

“Uhh… would it be alright if I talked to him?”

“Them,” corrected Discord. “They're nonbinary.”

“Oh,” said Spike. That was different than he had suspected. “Do you think I could meet h—them?”

“Whatever for?” asked Discord.

“I umm… have…” Spike brought his voice to a whisper, “puberty questions.”

“Say no more,” said Discord. “Even I don’t like that kind of chaos.”

Discord snapped his fingers.

Spike found himself in the deepest cave he had ever been to. Magma flowed freely around the rocks, lighting the entire cave up in a warm glow. He could feel the air pressure on him from above. Wherever this was had to be so far down below that no pony had been here in millennia.

“They should be awake,” said Discord. “Go ahead and clap your claws when you feel like coming home. Ta ta for now!”

And with that, Discord was gone.

Spike gulped. What had even just happened?

Spike breathed in and out, looking at the darkness all around him. Everything was so incredibly still except for deep, deep breathing up ahead.

All he had to do was clap and get home. It was going to be fine.

Spike started walking, nervousness in every step. He had hundreds of questions about his own body he was anxious to ask. And yet, none of them seemed to surface.

He just felt warm, naked and alone.

He kept walking until he came across the elder dragon.

The dragon was absolutely massive, as if their entire body spanned the cave they were in. Spike had seen mountains smaller than this dragon. Their entire body was covered in pristine emerald scales. The only exception being their right leg, which was the most massive pony leg Spike had ever seen. It even had a cutie mark on it, what kind it was though Spike couldn't make out in the darkness.

The great dragon opened an eye and stared at Spike. “SPEAK,” said the dragon, their deep, thunderous voice reverberating across the whole cavern.

Spike froze completely. What was he doing there? What was he even doing?

“YOUR NAME,” boomed the dragon.

“Umm... my name is Spike?” He could have kicked himself. Why did it have to sound like a question?

“YOU DO NOT KNOW,” said the dragon.

“Uhh… no... I mean uhhhhhhhh...” said Spike. Perhaps this wasn’t the best idea. How on earth was he supposed to get male advice from this dragon if he couldn't so much as say his own name.

The dragon breathed out an enormous purple flame, which hovered in the air for a moment before chasing Spike.

Spike bolted, screaming for his life. He had entirely forgotten to clap his claws in panic. The violet flames completely overtook him, enveloped him and… it felt like nothing.

Hundreds upon thousands of stray thoughts zipped past the surface of his mind in an instant. And just as quickly, the purple flame zoomed back to Pathos where it distinctly entered into their massive head.

The dragon closed their eyes and breathed deeply.

All was silent. Spike didn’t want to say anything and stood there awkwardly. He could have stood for hours like that.

“Who—who are you?” asked Spike.

“You have already been informed several times that my name is Pathos.”

“Oh, ha ha, right...” Spike said.

The dragon’s eyes narrowed. “Your pony upbringing hasn’t been kind to you. Why are you so preoccupied with masculinity? That’s unnecessary.” The great dragon’s head slightly tilted, which seemed to make the entire landscape around Spike go askew. “What is it you came here for, Spike?”

How did they know he was raised by ponies? “I… have questions about… about well… about being a dragon.”

Pathos nodded their head. Parts of Pathos’s scales reflected the glowing magma, which made it seem like tiny stars were bobbing up and down. “You certainly have quite a few questions here in your head. My my… what a unique but incredibly ignorant draconic life.”

“Do you— are you reading me?”

“Like a book, yes. That’s what I do. I read absolutely everyone. No one on this planet lives their life without me reading them at least once.”

“H—how?”

Pathos barely opened their mouth, shooting off a spark of orange flame which encircled itself and linked to a part of Equestria Spike had never seen. “Orange portal flame to get my magic where I want it to be,” said Pathos.

Then they shot off a purple flame. “Purple memory absorption flame to read memories.”

“And blue forgetfulness flame, to ensure that no one recalls my ever being there.” The blue flame went through the portal just as the orange flames dissipated, and the purple memory flame went into the great dragon’s head.

“There’s a lot more draconic magic where that came from too. I can do everything from down here.”

Spike gaped at them.

“But you didn’t come here for magic lessons, did you? Hmm? I’ll answer a few questions but it’ll take a very well worded one for you to keep your memories afterwards.”

Spike closed his eyes for a moment, trying to discombobulate everything swirling around. “Do you have any idea if I will someday be umm… well… male? With everything that entails?”

“Define ‘everything.’”

“Well— I really want to be male. Male male. I want what every stallion has. I want a sheathe, penis, scrotum, testicles—all the dangly bits. And someday have my own hatchlings and umm… all of that stuff that comes with being male.”

“Gender is inherently meaningless, but since you seem so distraught, very well. Given the potential of your vast age, if you’re male you’ll have a penis soon enough. Though your penis would stay inside and only come out during sexual activity. You won’t have a sheath like stallions do. Your testicles will be permanently and safely tucked away where no harm can come to them. And as far as a scrotum goes, it’s unnecessary since your testicles will be in your body.”

Pathos closed their eyes as if confident that every question had been thoroughly answered.

“But… that ummm… that sounds like I’ll just have my normal smooth scales except when ummm… I have sex.”

“Exactly.”

“So for the most part. I will be… pretty much the same as I am now.” Spike frowned

“You understand.”

Spike looked down and his frown deepened. “So I won’t have anything at a glance to prove I’m male to others?” Spike asked

“At a glance? With everyone? No, absolutely not. We dragons are better than those other creatures, we only show our penis in beautiful moments with a few lovers. Not flaunted around and certainly not all the time.”

Spike frowned, dragons weren’t better than other creatures but it was not worth arguing about here. “I guess that makes sense living among other dragons but uhh… How will other creatures know I’m male if I don’t have anything to show for it?”

“That isn't necessary. The only issue I’m finding is that you feel you need to show off you are male.”

Spike glanced down between his legs. “That… would be nice… yes.”

“Dragons don’t have anything external. And we’re better for it. None of that pesky pony business where genitals seem to over-define their culture and their ruling class.”

Spike had a lot to say against that, he would quite like being male in Equestria, but held his tongue. “Well, okay, so male dragons don’t have anything external to mark their sex. But can you at least tell me whether I’ll be male someday?”

“Time is the only way to know for certain. Every dragon is different. Give it a century or so and you’ll be sure to know by then.”

Their answer was like getting kicked in the stomach. His mind swam in a deluge of negativity. Not even this ancient dragon could know. One hopeful thought bubbled to the surface.

“I uhh… went to this alternate reality where umm… I was male there—m-mostly,” Spike quickly added. “Do you think that means I’ll be male here?”

“That world?” the dragon shrugged. “Alternate realities are just that: alternatives. I don’t think there is any correlation between sex in one world versus another.”

At this, Spike’s legs buckled from underneath him and he sat on the floor of the cave.

“You care about this a great deal. But sex doesn’t matter, and it continues to not matter.”

Spike frowned, it mattered quite a lot to him. What was the point of even coming here?

“Well, with that all settled. Do you finally accept who you are?”

Nothing was settled, Spike frowned and then looked down between his legs. And then he looked back at the dragon.

“No,” said Spike quietly.

“What?” Pathos retorted.

“I don’t feel like me.”

Pathos’s eye’s narrowed. “What is unacceptable?”

“I just... want to be male… sooner… and a bit more visually.”

“You aren't done growing. And it’s a 50% chance at being male, that’s good enough.”

“But even then I won't have anything external to show for it.”

Pathos growled. ”None of that matters. Gender doesn't matter. It has never mattered.”

Spike shivered, ”B-but it matters to me.”

Pathos narrowed their eyes at him.

“You are the byproduct of ponies; you have been irrevocably tainted,” they frowned.

The words felt like icicles were shooting down Spike's spine.

Spike tried to clap his claws but an electric blue flame was suddenly preventing them from moving.

“A few words of caution before you leave. You get to keep your memories, but never, ever tell any creature of my existence, besides Discord. Don't even hint at it.”

Spike gulped.

“Still, I wonder what you will become in the next few centuries. An abominable experiment still has results that need to be observed.”

He looked at Spike the same way Twilight looked at a particularly complicated spell.

“Goodbye young one,” said the massive dragon.

A tiny yellow flame burst out of Pathos’s mouth, absorbing into Spike’s head. An orange flame circled above Spike, forming a portal in the air.

The orange flame circled above him, and Spike could see the ceiling of his own room in the ring of flames. The ring dropped around him, enveloping Spike in his own room. The orange flames collapsed underneath Spike, removing the black rock and revealing the crystal floor of Twilight castle underneath.

Spike shook himself the moment he felt the dragons magic disappear.

“Yikes,” he whispered to himself.

That could have gone better.