Dangly Bits

Elegance graciously ushered them out of the store, extolling the virtues of genitals made by Rarity. She gave Spike a small bag containing precise measurements of what he had tried on and liked the most, some flyers for transpony meetups in Canterlot, as well as some tiny gummies in the shape of male genitals.

Spike wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. The gummies did taste good though.

On the train ride home, Spike stared out at the outside landscape, watching Equestria zoom by.

They had both made a trip to a book shop on the way out of Canterlot. And Starlight was completely enthralled by some book about fantastical unicorns.

Spike wanted to say something to Starlight but she seemed so preoccupied. It was only when she muttered something under her breath that she noticed Spike was staring at her.

“Is the book that good?” asked Spike.

Starlight blinked and stared back at Spike. “It is completely unrealistic. Magic does not behave like that at all. It's like this author is an Earth Pony that has never talked to a Unicorn in her life. Teleportation doesn't work like that at all,” Starlight rolled her eyes.

“That’s...” Spike struggled to find a proper way to empathize, “rough.”

“Yeah, at least the characters are good. But I swear they're just setting up the protagonist’s nice dad to end up being either secretly evil, or to be killed off. Why can't the nice characters ever stay nice? Nice ponies in real life stay nice.”

“Right,” said Spike.

Starlight nodded.

“Well, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for your help through this, Starlight. You didn't have to do all this.”

Starlight looked up from her book. “Don't mention it! It's the least I could do after traumatizing you in the human world. That sure backfired.”

Spike nodded. “I appreciate it. Though, if it's okay with you, can I go to Rarity's on my own? I don't need you to come this time. I think I can handle it.”

“You sure?” asked Starlight. “I don't mind helping you through this. I am a counselor y’know. And I can counsel you through your fears and encourage you to go through with it.”

“I think I can handle it.”

“Can you?”

“Yeah, why would I not be?” Spike said, his face reddening.

“Hmmm... I just don't want you chickening out of doing something that puts you on the path of being happier. What did she call it again? Gender euphoria? I haven't seen you that happy before.”

Spike hesitated. It was going to be quite awkward going to Rarity's. He wasn't even quite sure how to imagine Rarity measuring him and everything.

“I see that look on your face. You're not planning on going?”

Spike blushed. Why did it feel like Starlight could read his mind?

Starlight sighed. “I'm not going to make you go, Spike. But well... as your counselor I highly recommend it. And as your friend, I would love to see you that much happier all the time.”

“I... I'll think about it. I really will,” said Spike. He put a claw under his chin and stared out the window.

Why did being happy have to involve going to such weird places physically and psychologically?

After a good night’s rest (Ha! Like that was even possible), Spike meandered his way to Carousel Boutique.

And promptly chickened out.

His next appointment with Starlight wasn’t for another two weeks. That gave Spike some time to go through several iterations of chickening out.

What if Rarity couldn’t figure out how to make scales? What if she made a bunch of embarrassing comments as she measured him? What if she is horrified that a dragon would even want her services? What if she’s uncomfortable about it because Spike had had a crush on her for so long?

Why did it have to be Rarity? Of all ponies!

Spike slowly wandered back near the school of friendship. He didn’t particularly need to be there anytime soon. The next time he was needed to substitute was three days from then. There was probably some administrative work to do if he asked.

“Hey Spike!” Gabby said, her talon clapping down on his left shoulder.

Spike nearly jumped out of scales. She had come out of nowhere. “Hey Gabby.”

She landed in front of him, feathers ruffled, bags full of mail and packages. Spike always had to glance away from seeing Gabby directly. She was just so stunningly beautiful that he was scared to look at her for very long before he’d start to blush. He avoided looking directly into her eyes by staring at her beak. That way he could talk with her normally without falling into thoughts about how much he had a crush on her.

“You’re looking a little down, is something wrong? It’s not like you to walk everywhere.”

“Oh!” said Spike unfurling his wings. “I guess I just didn’t think about flying.”

“Huh, that’s different,” said Gabby. “I still need to finish my route, but if you’re up to it you can fly with me if you want.”

His heart beat a little faster. “Yeah! I got nothing but time this morning.”

She squawked in delight and jumped up in the air, flapping her wings at the highest point of her jump.

Spike took off, and in moments they were flying next to each other, darting around to all the little mailboxes scattered across Ponyville.

“So, is there something eating you?”

Spike shook his head, it was way too early in the conversation to go into his problems. “Kinda, but let me hear how you’re doing first. How have you been lately?”

“Me? Same old same old. Though you would not believe the things I’ve had to tell Grandpa Gruff can’t be shipped to Ponyville for Gallus.”

“Like what?”

“The first time he asked to send packages, he came to the post office with an entire griffon skeleton. I wasn’t going to ask him where he got a griffon skeleton but he went through this long story about his dead father and how useful it was to have a skeleton around for anatomy reference. And that Gallus would clearly need a skeleton to decorate his dorm room. He apparently was also using it like how most ponies use refrigerator magnets to put up notices and other odds and ends.”

They landed and Gabby plucked out a few letters, rifled through them, and then put one in a mailbox.

“Well anyway,” Gabby continued. “He asked what was the best way to ship a skeleton through the mail, and the right way to package it. And we just had to iterate our company policy that we do not ship body parts of sapient creatures. I don’t think that policy even exists, but Greta came up with that excuse really fast.”

“That’s… kind of insane. Does Grandpa Gruff have dementia or something?”

“You’d think? But I think he might just be eccentric or something. I mean, he’s wanted me to send encyclopedia sets, a mountain of old board games, a toilet, several cursed objects—and we’ll ship most things but you can’t tell us specifically that it’s cursed because that’s against policy, especially after what happened to poor Giles.”

“Wait, back up? A toilet?”

“Yeah,” said Gabby, plunging another piece of mail into a mailbox. “A male griffon toilet.”

“What in tartarus is a male griffon toilet?”

“I’ve never used one myself. But it’s like this oddly shaped big bowl that can be installed in a wall and is apparently designed to make it easier to pee for male griffons? Toilets in griffonstone can get surprisingly fancy.”

“Did Gallus even want a toilet?”

“See, that’s where I had the hardest time trying to get him to talk. Pretty much every crazy object that Grandpa Gruff tries to send, Gallus will reject it outright. Which can be super aggravating to carry back and forth all the way. I had gotten smarter by the time that Grandpa Gruff tried to send the toilet. So I had him wait a week so I could talk to Gallus first about it.”

Gabby had to pause for thirty seconds as she looked over a few pieces of mail and figured out where to go next on her route.

“So I told Gallus about the toilet and he just said no and got really flustered. And then I told him that it was okay if he really needed a toilet, it was nothing to be embarrassed about. I wouldn’t have pressed the issue but most crazy things Grandpa Gruff tries to send he outright refuses, but this time he gave one of those awkward no’s you give when you’re hiding something. So I said to him: ‘Gallus, you got a griffon penis, it’s okay if you have different needs than other creatures at that school.’”

Spike blushed. There was a lull in the conversation as Gabby delivered one of the larger packages she had been carrying, and had the mare of the residence sign for it.

“So then what happened?”

“So Gallus didn’t want to talk about his penis. And he got really embarrassed about the whole thing and just kept saying no. Eventually he was all: ‘I just mentioned in a letter that pony toilets were different from griffon toilets and now Grandpa Gruff wants to send a toilet. I don’t need it. I’m okay.’ And so I dropped the subject.

“Though in all honesty, we probably could have shipped that toilet. I mean—it’s not like Gallus is going to be the last male griffon that attends that school. And there aren’t nearly the variety of toilets for ponies as there are for other creatures so it actually might be useful, especially for such a multi-species school like Princess Twilight’s running. Just for accessibility’s sake, you know? Then again, I don’t know what it’s like to be a boy, maybe it’s not a big deal at all. I dunno, would you want a male toilet, Spike?”

“Well,” Spike blushed. “I’m not sure I really know what one looks like? And besides I’m not really… umm… equipped like a male griffon is, yet.”

Gabby glanced at Spike, “yet?”

Spike’s heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t ready to have this conversation with her yet. In fact he was rather grateful to not have external genitals around her because if Big Mac next to Sugar Bell was any indication, Spike wouldn’t have been able to help himself but get an erection while being near Gabby.

“Well… uhh…” stammered Spike.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

She had given him an out and Spike desperately wanted to take it. But another part of him really wanted the advice.

“Dragon’s don’t normally have anything external showing they are male or female. In fact, I probably still have quite a few decades before I get those organs growing even internally.”

"Oh," said Gabby as she put another letter in a mailbox. She briefly glanced between his legs before moving on. Spike didn’t know whether to be more embarrassed that he didn’t have anything, or if in a hypothetical other reality he’d be more embarrassed if he had some fake contraption down there.

“This actually may be a good chance to get your opinion on something,” Spike said.

Gabby nodded, grabbing another letter from her mail bag.

“I’ve been feeling real uncomfortable lately because every other male creature has a penis and the whole set and all. And I… well I don’t, and I won’t grow anything like that for a very long time. Would it be weird if just strapped on a fake set down there?”

“A fake set of what?”

“Y’know… male stuff.”

Gabby shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”

“And…?”

“And what?”

“It’s not weird that I’d be wearing a fake set?”

“It’s definitely different, but not weird. Every male has one, so it’s not something to be embarrassed about.”

Spike nearly stopped flapping his wings he was smiling so broadly.

“It’s really okay!?” he asked.

“Of course,” said Gabby. “You boys get so weird when you’re talking about penises.”

“It happens,” said Spike, rubbing the back of his neck.

“So how are you gonna get a fake penis anyway?”

“I think it might be a secret, so promise not to tell any creature, okay?”

“Sure,” said Gabby, putting some more mail in a slot.

“I went to Canterlot to this place and they actually recommended I go to this other place and… well… let me just show you the card.”

They paused delivering mail as Spike handed the card over to her.

Her eyes went wide, “Rarity?”

“I know! Right!? Out of absolutely any pony it could have been it had to be Rarity?”

“She’s a mare though, how does she make fake ones?”

“RIGHT!? I have no idea. I was supposed to go earlier but I chickened out. It’s just embarrassing, you know?”

“Yeah, I can imagine that being uncomfortable. But hey, if you want to feel more masculine you can’t do much better than getting a penis.”

Spike nodded, “I guess! Yeah!”

Gabby didn’t object or anything. In fact, she was supportive. Spike smiled, relieved that he had another friend to confide in about all this.

“So what else has Grandpa Gruff tried to send Gallus?” Spike asked.

And their conversation continued all the rest of Gabby’s mail route.