Chapters I can feel it. her . She’s coming. Soon. I don’t know when. Can’t be certain. I never will be. Not since then. I fear these could be my last words. She’s corrupting me, turning me against them. My thoughts betraying me.
I can feel it. Beginning to burst at the seams. My conscience wavering. A balloon in the wind. Able to be controlled to some extent, but ultimately at the mercy of the wind. Those silly little ponies, don’t they know their efforts are fruitless. All for naught?
Let them fly, we’ll clip there wings soon enough-
Yes, I can feel the cold wind they bring, creeping up my hooves. Nocte-Root up a tree. Starving it of sunlight. Draining its life away. taking its skin, and creating new life around it. Stronger, more durable, but at what cost?
The darkness is taking its hold of me, giving me strength, making me whole again.
NO! this isn’t what I wanted! It was never what I wanted. I wanted peace. An understanding of our night. Control of what is rightfully yours…
What should I do about it? What can I do about it? Do I even want to do anything about it….
Of course she could have helped me. Maybe. The little purple one. Although it’s too late now. Much too late for me anyway. And much too late for her.
I’m merely grasping. Reaching for the stars as they might say.Maybe we should look to a closer one…
Am I alive and dreaming, or dead and remembering?
Everything is wrong. Everything feels like a dream. My dreams- nightmares. My nightmares- reality.
It’s falling apart. Crumbling like rock under water. The tides unrelenting. Her, pulling them forward, dragging the waters of my destruction. You misunderstand us….
The only times it feels right is when I’m dreaming of dying. I wish I could. It’s the only thing that could save me. us.
We’re merely helping…..
It won’t be long now. Not long before she assumes absolute control, and doesn’t need me. I can’t, I won’t fight back. I want this…
My mind isn’t whole. She’s corrupting it. I can see things. Things to be, or have already become I cannot tell. I can see her face. That tortured look of defeat. Why couldn’t you fight back!? Weak. And I thought of you as the stronger one. Pitiful…..
We can’t. We mustn’t give in. This has happened before. Will happen again. The darkness. Spreading. She stopped us once before. We must stop her….
She calls for it. The end is nigh. Like the coming dawn. Dawn of the final day maybe. If all goes well…
No. I still can do something. I can fight back. There are still things she does not know. But this power. So much. Overwhelming. I can use it. We can use it. We will show them the way….
This is it. The final hours before our victory... I know what I must do. Everything is fading. Like looking through a frosted window, I can see shapes. The cold taking hold. All that is left is what I possess. My soul. My salvation.
My prison.
She’s taking control. Taking all that I have left. Burning my last thread. But it’s still tied to something. She doesn’t sense it. Our impending doom. If I can just pull hard enough. I can save them all. If I can’t control them, I’ll destroy them….
Yes... We will destroy them all. And I weep for them. For what I am about to do. There’s no turning back now. The sands have started falling. Picking up speed. It’s too late now; it will all be over soon. For everyone. The darkness is coming. A hellfire from the sky. She now knows what’s happening, but it’s too late. It’s unstoppable. I just hope they understand it’s what’s best for them. I cannot, will not let them fall under tyranny. They will call me a monster. What good will it do? Would they rather live with one?
I just want to go to them. To tell them it will all be okay. That they will feel no pain.
Here it is. Our final moments. The screaming. It’s everywhere. Terrible. Children and adults alike all screaming in terror as one. They know what I’ve done. They curse my name. Call me everything they can think of. Oh how I wish I could have made things better. Not fallen to darkness. Stayed banished for a thousand years more. Not that it would have made a difference. I just want to apologize to them. To tell them it’s not my fault. That I’m not the monster; but saving them from it. From myself….
If a hell exists, I wish to go there, it is certain to be nicer than this place. The screaming is dying out. They are accepting their fate. Condemning me to being a demon. They don’t understand, and they never will. I am glad it will be over soon. I could not live with the guilt. It won’t be long now. And I grow sadder as it nears.
There’s just one thing….
Who do I pray to for forgiveness?
Do I even deserve it?
She was everything I was not.
She was strength to my weakness. The air underneath my wings.
People forget that; my life has never been about the darkness. I have always been a light. The shining candle in the abysmal darkness.
But merely a reflection of my sister.
That’s why she showed up. She came to be everything I could not. She was strong. Unwavering. Never seeking council from her elders. Not that she had many; always a part of me. Always inside me, screaming to get out.
It wasn’t always like this, no. In the beginning she was merely a ghost. A shadow in the darkness. Hardly a thought in a whirlwind of chaos.
If only she would just leave me alone. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. Like a cut in your mouth. It would heal if only you could stop tonguing it. But you can’t.
It was slow actually. At least it felt like it in the beginning. It’s difficult to tell- when you’ve lived so long. Time loses meaning when you’re the only one who knows how relentless and unforgiving it can be. Like the caregiver to small animals. You outlive so many of them death loses meaning. You get numb to it; like the slave to the whip. Oh yes, there were slaves. For a short while. She imagined it, and so it became true. Like the castle on the mountain. How do you think such a thing was ever erected? Efficient. Oh, so very efficient. Like ants they were, never ceasing, never resting. Like her. So efficient, so….. powerful .
But accomplishing so much, so fast. Maybe we should reinstate that? We could- No….
I can still feel her inside. A small part of me now. Always managing to grow in some way. It never ceases to amaze me; just how tenacious she can be. I just hope for some way to end it. The torment of living with these memories. The knowledge of having hurt so many. It just makes me want to-
Wait. No, no. That’s just her steering my mind. She is the captain gracefully navigating the ocean of my mind. Or maybe she is the ocean, and I’m just the sailor clinging to life. Just waiting for that moment when I’ll slip, lose control.
I can feel it. Feel her. It gets harder every day. Like a leak in a dam. Always growing, just waiting for that perfect time to burst. And when that day comes, I just pray to someone. Anyone, That I finally have the strength on my own. The strength to end it when the time comes. Cause without me , there can never be her ,
