Can’t Snuff the Rooster
A My Little Pony and The Ranch Crossover
Chapter 1: Long Dive
The sound of thunder echoed throughout the area. Rain began to pour heavily, and for a lone man on a motorcycle it was literally the storm that would change everything. Jamerson Bennett, better known as Rooster to his family and friends, rode on the highway while the rain poured. A thousand thoughts rushed through his head as he rode. Nick’s threat to him, which didn’t bother him so bad. He could take care of himself, but worry for Colt, Abby, Mary, and his dad filled his head.
He didn’t like the idea of laying low, and he really didn’t like the idea of running when threatened, but there wasn’t much choice. As it was he was checked into an old motor lodge, and currently there was a McRib in his saddlebag on his motorcycle. He began to go around the curve on the darkened highway when he felt the rear wheel of his motorcycle slip. The fight to keep on the road began, but it was destined to be a fight he wouldn’t win.
He felt the motorcycle leave the road, still he fought to maintain control over it, and then he felt it find air. Everything that he had worried about seemed so pointless. There was nothing, not a single thing, that was more important than this moment. He felt the freedom of the air, the pull of gravity, and all he could do was hold onto his bike as it ended up doing a nose dive straight into the river. The moment he hit the river he expected to be dead. He certainly expected anything other than being pulled from the river. He choked and gagged as was pulled onto the river bank.
Gasping for air he kept his eyes closed.
“Thanks, thought for a minute there that I ate my last McRib.”
“Eeeyup,” a deep voice said.
The voice sounded familiar, something he had heard once when working at the Old McConnel Ranch. It had been the sound coming from the Ranch house when the owner’s daughter was watching her favorite cartoon. He looked up to see a powerful looking individual. He could see loads of muscle across two shoulders. Looking up further he noticed something off by the sight of the silhouette of the man who saved him.
The moonlight happened to hit the other man just right and he realized what it was that was sitting wrong. His face wasn’t human, but instead there was an almost cartoonish pony-like look to it. The voice he had heard made sense. He closed his eyes, pinched his arm, and felt pain. He opened them again to see a confused looking… man, stallion, pony stud, the possible names to call him was staggering.
“Okay, where am I?”
The large blond headed, red furred humanoid pony thing shrugged and looked behind him, “You’re ‘bout twelve miles outside of Ponyville. I jest happen to be coming by the river for some night fishin’, then somepony done went and made too much noise, scared the fish away.”
“Ponyville?” he sighed, “Fuck, sorry, but fuck… Okay, I’m likely outcold, on the side of the riverbank, hopefully some hot broad has pulled me up and currently they’re going through my pockets.”
The red stallion looked at him, “Fella, ya alright? Ya sound like ya done went and banged yer head purty hard.”
He looked at him, “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just guessing that this is a dream. Because I’m not one of your kind, obviously.”
The stallion looked at him, “Ya sure ‘bout that?”
The large red stallion pointed to the clear blue water of the river behind him. Even with the current going he could see the bottom, and he could see reflections above it. There looking back at him, with the glow of the moon behind him, was a slate gray stallion, with brown hair, a scraggly beard, and large brown eyes. He took a look at it, and his eyes grew large.
“What the fuck?!”
Confusion filled his mind. This certainly wasn’t right. He wasn’t a pony, but then he wasn’t exactly one now either. Maybe the cartoon had been borderline on some of that furry porn, not that he looked at it, but okay he was man enough to admit that some of the artists out there could draw a pretty stacked pokemon. Looking at himself he realized that he was at least human in basic terms. He had a human-like chest, two hands, both with three fingers and a thumb, two legs, and what looked like his boots at the end of them.
He was wearing his jeans, shirt, and jacket, but it didn’t stop the confusion. He closed his eyes for a moment.
“Okay, I’m going to go on with this being a dream,” he said sounding less certain than he wanted to be, “But for argument sakes, if someone fell into the river, didn’t have a place to go, or anything like that would there be a place he could sleep for the night?”
The larger male looked at him, “If’n ya ain’t got bits then there’s the kindness of strangers lettin’ ya have a couch or a barn loft. Gonna figure ya ain’t got bits?”
He dug into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a little leather bag. It had a patch he’d thought was so funny from Pulp Fiction on the front, slightly altered apparently. Instead of Bad Motherfucker it had Bad Motherplucker. He shook it off, opened it and saw about two hundred golden coins. Back home that would be enough to keep the ranch out of trouble for a few years. Well, he figured it was, or maybe it would be enough to settle his and Colt’s bar tabs.
“I think that I got some cash.”
The bigger male shrugged his shoulders, “Up the road a piece is the Dew Drop Inn and Tavern. Berry Punch runs it, so she might be there, or she might be passed out. Jest have ta see.”
He gave the larger red colored male a nod. He was thankful for the moon light since it let him see the one that pulled him from the river. Still, he figured this was a dream. It had to be a damned dream. He moved from the river, walking up a dirt path, listening to the night life around him, and silently he wondered exactly what it was that caused him to dream about My Little Pony. It wasn’t like he’d ever seen the show.
Well that wasn’t exactly true. Pregnant Linda had him watch the Escape from Midnight Castle with her. Of course the Ponies in that looked a lot damned different. His one thought was that maybe he was having a dream like this because of all of the shit that had been going on. Of course since this was a dream he could basically say screw the conquiences. He noticed a few lights in the distance, moved toward them, and saw a building with what looked like a sign of a flower with a drop of water falling off of it.
He shrugged, knocked, waited, and a moment later the door opened. He’d seen the after effect of having too much to drink a few times, and he saw it on the mulberry colored mare before him. Her eyes looked bloodshot, she seemed to be slumping against the door, and in her non-clinging to the doorway hand was an open bottle that smelled like it would put every bottle of Jack ever made to shame.
She hiccuped a bit, squinted a little, and then tried to stand straight.
“What in the Tartarus do you want?” she asked, “The Tavern’s closed!”
He looked at her, “First, it should be open, second I’m looking for a room for the night, and third you sound like you’re made of bitch.”
She stood in what looked like a drunken stupor for a moment before she apparently sobered up, stood up straight, and then grabbed him by his collar. Her red wine colored eyes had a look that he’d seen on Mary, his mother, and occasionally Abby when she was dealing with Colt. It was a look that promised death. Most likely slow and painful, and he squared his shoulders. He didn’t run, and she instead continued to glare at him.
“Who are you calling a bitch?”
He smiled, “I said you sound like you’re made of bitch, and I stand by it. You’ve got a bar, that doubles as a hotel, and you’re not open? That’s insane!”
She groaned and looked behind her, “Fine, I can check you in, but the tavern is closed,” she stated, “And before you get any ideas I’ve got two teenage daughters, both of them are in season, and if you so much as step outside of your room tonight I can promise you that you’ll be gelded before the guard can show up.”
He shook his head, “Yeah no problem. Usually I don’t like dating a girl unless she’s already pregnant. Can’t be mine if the bun is already in the oven.”
She shook her head, “Ugh, one of them aren’t you?” she said in disgust, “Honestly, a stallion who prefers to get a mare that’s already carrying so that he can breed responsibility free. I bet that you liked to get a treat without the work too.”
He smiled, “Who wouldn’t?” he asked amused, “I mean wouldn’t you rather have the beer without the hangover?”
She sighed, “Sure, but it doesn’t work like that.”
With that she opened the heavy wooden door. What was inside looked a damn sight better than that piss poor motel room he’d rented. The bed was full sized, and the moment he laid down on it he felt the way it attempted to swallow him whole. There’d been a bed like that when he was a kid. It had been his grandmothers, the one his parents used until the mattress was too beat up and worn out to be used anymore. It’d been a goose down feather mattress. He sighed, leaned back, and let the mattress swallow him whole.
Sure, he was still damp from falling in the river, and he was certain that this, all of this, was a dream, but so what if it was? At worst he was in the hospital somewhere, and maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad place to spend what could be an uncomfortable time recovering. He’d never been in a coma before, but if this was the kind of thing to expect then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
He felt his eyelids get heavy, and after a moment he fell asleep. At first there was just blackness, nothing but darkness around him, and then he saw a familiar couch. He walked toward it, feeling the comfortable cushions on it. The couch in the hunting cabin was comfortable enough, and he listened as he heard singing coming from the shower. He smiled as Mary stepped out. She was wearing the best possible thing, which was nothing.
She smiled at him, and he grinned back at her. Sure, she was a full ten years older than him, but she was fun, they liked each other, and despite the fact that she had shit taste in men, himself excluded, they felt right together. She moved toward him, and the door opened. He saw the gun, the same nine millimeter that Nick had held that night. There weren't words, just angry shouting and then he watched as a red flower, a small fountain, of blood exploded from Mary’s chest. He stood, and he saw Nick standing there, the finger on the trigger whitened. He moved forward, ready to deal with this when the entire room froze. He shook, looked around, and saw a soft dark blue light engulfing the entire room.
“Strange, truly it feels like a memory, but it is more dream craft than memory I sense.”
He looked to see a mare that stood taller than the one that was made of bitch from earlier. She was well shaped, toned, her dress concealed everything, yet it was something he’d seen years ago when he decided to pick up a Wonder Woman comic. Wonder Woman, Diana, had worn something like what she was wearing. It had two clasps on the shoulders, and a belt that went around itself holding the modesty of the wearer within the tightly tied belt.
“Okay, what’s going on?”
She looked at him, “Hmmm,” she said curiously as she neared him, “We have heard the tells from Twilight Sparkle, of the hoomans that exist on the other side of the mirror. How they are so similar to us, yet have so many differences. Still, it would appear that you are not exactly one of them.”
He shook his head, “Okay, this dream is getting fuckin’ weird,” he said sounding irritated, “First, I dream that I ended up somewhere that shouldn’t even exist, and then I go to bed and dream of Nick shooting Mary and then turning the gun on me. So, is this like Inception or some weird shit? Like it’s a dream within a dream? But why the hell am I asking you? If you’re part of my dream then you don’t know.”
She looked at him, “I am not of your dream,” she stood tall, her chest more pronounced, “I am Princess Luna, keeper of dreams, protector of the night, part of the official diarchary that rules this land.”
He studied her, “This… It’s a dream right?” he asked sounding unsure for the first time, “I mean, this entire thing, falling into the river, getting out, being near Ponyville, this is all a dream and I’m lying in a hospital or out in the forest or something, right?”
She neared him, “I fear not,” she said as she tenderly touched his hand, “This world is real, the inhabitants are real, and if you are here then you have crossed into our world. I would dare say it was some wild bit of magic that caused it, or perhaps it was Discord. For this could be one of his pranks.”
Jamerson Bennett, Rooster to his friends and family, found himself no longer able to stand. His legs gave out and he fell onto the couch. His eyes widened in realization that everything he knew was gone. He was alone, on an alien world, and he had no safety net. There was no ranch, no Colt, no pregnant Linda, Mary, Abby, his dad or mom, they were all gone. He was surrounded by people, well ponies, that he thought were nothing more than cartoon characters.
Years of being conditioned kicked in, and he forced himself to get up. He was terrified, but he wasn’t going to show it.
“So, I’m stuck here, everything I know is gone, but the girl to guy ratio is what, ten to one?”
Princess Luna studied him for a moment, “Are you unwell?”
He shrugged, “It sucks, I mean this is somehow beyond Colt Bennett bad, but what am I going to do? I don’t know much about this place, but fuck it, I’m a rancher, and I’m sure that I’ll land on my feet, hooves, or whatever the fuck it is that I’ve got now.”
She studied him for a moment, “Praytell, would you like an audience at our court?” she asked, sounding concerned, “It maynot be much, but perhaps we could find meaningful employment, or at the very least find a place for you to live.”
He shrugged, “I suppose, but if I’m dreaming, and you’re here, isn’t that the same thing?”
She smiled, “Perhaps, but having somepony to take notes would help…”
The room glowed a bright white for a moment and when it cleared Princess Luna found herself in a short skirt, one that did nothing to hide her modesty, her chest was covered with a small piece of fabric, one that exposed the bottoms of her breasts, her mane was pulled into a tight ponytail, and she felt far more exposed than she ever had in her life. She covered herself, looked at him, and her eyes widened.
“What did thou do?!”
He shrugged, “I’ve always had a good imagination, just kind of wondered what you’d look like dressed like that cheerleader from that Playstation 3 game, you know, Lollipop Chainsaw. Got to say, not disappointed.”
She growled, “Thou will stand before mine court!”
With that she disappeared and he wondered if maybe he pushed things too far.
Can’t Snuff the Rooster
A My Little Pony and The Ranch Crossover
Chapter 2: Ch,Ch,Changes
The rest of the night was a cornucopia of nightmares, each one seemingly worse than the one before it. Which if what he heard was to be believed then it meant that he’d pissed off the one responsible for keeping bad dreams away. Still, it wasn’t anything that he was too worried about. Bad dreams were something that was expected after a long night of drinking. Usually dreaming that he was going to end up with his hand up a cow's ass for the rest of eternity tended to make some awkward and frankly terrifying dreams.
Slowly habits from his life back home kicked in and he found himself getting up before daylight. He stretched, looked outside, and took in everything before him. He groaned as he stretched, and in stretching he noticed something. Everything that had happened yesterday, the ending up here, which part of him wanted to believe that he was in a coma, and the stress of trying to figure out what was going on led him to not notice a few things.
Now that he was awake, stretching, he realized that there were two things that demanded notice at this exact moment. His eyes widened as he reached up and felt something feathery. He swallowed, closed his eyes, and shook his head.
“Come on,” he whispered hoping against hope that this would work, “Come on now, please wake the fuck up man. Wake up and be at home laid up.”
He opened his eyes and saw the same room. Finally he looked toward the mirror he’d seen last night and there on his back was two fucking wings. Both were stretched out, and he easily had a four foot wingspan. Memories of listening to his dad reminded him that the bigger the bird the bigger the wingspan was needed to give it lift. Somehow he doubted that a four foot wingspan was going to do much for him. He looked at his clothes. His shirt, which he’d apparently taken off during the night, seemed to be designed so that he could fit his wings through the back. It wasn’t a totally backless shirt, but it was damned close.
If this was a coma he wasn’t saying a fucking word to Colt or their Dad. There was no way either of them would ever let him live this down. He opened the door and saw a different girl, mare, whatever than had let him in the previous night. The other one was stockier built, more rubinequese than the one standing before him. If he had to make a guess she’d be about eighteen, if she was human, maybe sixteen, but regardless she was close enough to jailbait to just pass it on by.
Of course though she was wearing the “I’m down to bang” uniform worn by all girls that were down to bang, or at least where in his experience. Her t-shirt was a printed shirt with the logo for something called the Hayburger on the front. It concealed what looked like a pair of decent tits. They seemed perky, their nipples both standing at attention, and he could see that just below the shirt was a pair of panties. She sniffed the air, her eyes widening, and a sly smile crossed her lips. She moved, seductively, toward him, her eyes looking not at him, but rather at his package.
He stepped back, closed the door, and heard her on the other side of it. She pounded her fists against it, and then moments later it was quiet. He heard some shouting, and then the door opened. He watched as it opened, preparing to deal with the obvious crazy chick that had been standing there when the other one opened the door.
“Did you come out a moment ago?”
He looked at her, “I was getting up,” he said defensively, “What the hell is going on?”
She eyed him, “What’s going on is my daughters are in season, you cloud humping, empty headed, mother plucking, simple minded plot sniffer!”
Having been in multiple relationships, and most recently in a relationship with a woman that was a few years his senior, he understood that when a woman was pissed the best thing to do was to just let her vent. She glared at him, and then after a moment the glare softened. She breathed out, closed her eyes, and then shook her head.
“Look, my daughters are my life,” she said sounding tired, “Both of them are, and both of them need to experience life before some drifting on the wind stallion convinces them to bend over.”
She finally looked at him, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to watch out for them, and while I can keep them occupied during the day, it’s harder at night. That’s why I said stay in your room until morning,” she said sounding remorseful, “Both of them know that you’re here now. So, you’re going to have to gather your belongings.”
He nodded, “Didn’t mean to cause trouble,” he said trying to apologise, “Honest, I really wasn’t, I’m just used to being an early riser.”
She gave a nod, “I get it, I really do,” she said sounding exhausted, “But I can’t be watching them every second of every minute. If you’re here then they’re going to make it their mission to get in here. They can’t help it.”
He understood where this was going. He gathered his shirt, the bag that had Mother Plucker on the front, and walked downstairs. She opened the door for him, and a moment later he stepped out. When he did, the door closed, and he looked at the mostly vacant streets before him. Not having a room sucked, but at least he had been able to rest. Besides, as far as he knew this was all happening in a coma.
If that was the case then it meant that somewhere deep inside of himself was someone that wouldn’t take advantage of a girl that was so horny that she’d basically try to sneak into his room and have her way with him. He stood there and thought about that for a moment. That wasn’t like him. That wasn’t like him in the slightest. In truth there was a chance that if her daughters had come in there during the night he'd have ended up sleeping with both of them. That was the kind of person he was.
The more he thought about it the more he began to realize that he wasn’t dreaming. This wasn’t some coma induced dream that he was riding along on. This was the kind of thing that happened in comic books, old television shows from the seventies, and things like that. It was far fetched, nearly unbelievable, and yet everything pointed to it being true. It was true. He wasn’t in a coma, and he was beginning to see that. There’d been a couple of guys back in Garrison that had been into My Little Pony.
One of them had actually been semi normal, or at least as close to normal as anyone in Garrison was. Now he wished that he would had asked some questions, learned about the series, and maybe learned something beyond what he’d seen on Rescue from Midnight Castle. If for no other reason than to make himself get in a little better with some of Pregnant Linda’s kids or some of Mary’s grandkids.
Mary, he wasn’t going to see her again. He was worried about her. Sure, they were mostly just having fun, but he could have actually seen them settling down at some point, or at least he thought that they could have. But she was there, with Nick, and there was no telling what that son of a bitch would do. Thinking about it now he wasn’t that worried for his dad or Colt. After all Beau Bennett had enough guns to supply a well maintained militia if he wanted to.
Nick wouldn’t make it past the front door before his stomach was pumped full of double ought buckshot. His running had been really for nothing. He could have went to his Dad’s place, let them know what was going on, and they could have handled it. Maybe he was pulling a Colt after all of this time, but that didn’t feel right either. Sure, it’d been all kinds of awesome to watch Colt struggle with being the only one there to help keep the ranch going, but he wouldn’t really leave them to themselves like this.
He looked at the bag of gold he had. That mare, the one that kicked him out, had charged him ten of those gold pieces for staying the night. If that was the case then it stood to reason that he had about six hundred bucks on him, and he’d stayed in a hotel that rented rooms for about ten bucks. He didn’t know if there was another hotel, but maybe there was. Okay, so if there was then he had what, two months worth of staying in one before he was out of cash.
That wasn’t going to work. He had to find a way of supporting himself. Of course the one thing he’d been raised to do was ranch. That meant mucking stalls, running fence, and doing everything needed to keep a ranch going. It wasn’t like there was a place around here that would be hiring ranch hands. He knew that horses would eat meat, after all he’d seen one eat a chick before, but he didn’t know if these ponies ate meat.
If they did then it would make things easier. But he doubted that they ate cows. There was a possibility of hogs, and a few other things. Working a hog farm didn’t sound like fun, but any port in a storm at this point, and at least it would be getting him paid. That was something he knew that he was going to need. As far as he knew that mare that threw him out ran the only tavern, so no working in the bar for the time being either. He did run his mother’s bar, granted there were issues with it, but he did run it. Maybe if there was another one he could at least work at it.
Besides, girls tended to be pretty friendly to the guy that was pouring drinks. He moved toward the town itself, and looked around to see the nearly empty streets. There was a large stallion, red colored, blond hair, and he had a cute looking mare near him. The fact that she was looking cute meant that his biology seemed to have been changed enough to accept that he’d be fine with trying to make a bunch of little foals.
The both of them wore what looked like wedding bands, and he realized that they had to be married. The stallion looked toward him, stopped and waved. He walked toward him and saw him standing there with a large cart of what looked like apples, pies, and a dozen other things behind him.
“See that ya made it inta town.”
He looked at him for a second, “Wait, you’re the guy that fished me out of the lake?”
The stallion nodded, “Eeeeyup, scared the fish away, damned shame, was hoping ta have catfish tanight.”
He looked at him, a smile crossed his face, so they did eat meat. That was good to know.
“Sorry about that,” he said, “Ummm, is there another place to stay at? I had some trouble at the Dew Drop.”
Before the stallion could answer what looked like four bat winged ponies landed. In the middle of them was the one from his dreams. Her chiton was as he remembered it, before he changed it into that cheerleader getup from Lollipop Chainsaw. She looked at him, her eyes narrowed, and he could see the pissed off expression from a mile away.
“Never mind.”
The mare neared him, her eyes full of anger, and the bat winged ponies surrounded her. He watched as they separated enough so that she could stand before him.
“Thou shall accompany us to the Palace, and at that time thou shall stand before our sister’s court. There we shall inform her of what thou hast done!”
He looked at her, realizing that there wasn’t a damned thing that he could say that would make this better, and instead resided himself to being taken. He felt two of the ponies grab him, and they lifted into the air. At the best of times he didn’t like heights. Being lifted into the air by his arms wasn’t the best of times. The sensation of his wings, of his new limbs, became even more apparent by the way they were held tight against him. The slight sound of snickering came from one of the bat winged ponies that was carrying him.
He considered saying something, but just as quickly he shot that idea down. Sure, he had wings, and it was obvious that the wings worked, but he had absolutely no fucking clue on how to use them. More to the point he wasn’t going to trust that whatever the hell brought him here left the instincts that he’d need to use those wings. If these two decided to drop him then he knew that he’d likely be fucked. Instead he stayed quiet, and in about thirty minutes the six of them landed outside of the Palace.
“Your highness, shall we escort your guest to the throne room?”
He saw the one he dreamed about as she shook her head, “Nay, We shall escort this varlet ourselves, and then we shall fully explain to our sister what he hast done!”
He was about to use the slight distraction to see if he could sneak out, but something lifted him. There was no movement, no new guard, but instead there was a blue glow that surrounded him. Moments later he found himself before another like the one he’d seen in his dreams. She was taller, easily reaching about eight foot tall, and she had the biggest set of titties he’d ever seen in his life. Beside her was another pony that had mustard yellow, dirty brown hair, and he seemed to be sitting in a seat similar to the larger one.
“Lulu, what’s going on?”
He saw Lulu’s narrowed gaze, “Sister, this varlet is a stranger in Equestria. We came upon him, dreaming of the humans like those which reside through the mirror, and his dream was a true nightmare. We stopped it, hoping to aid him, and he had the audacity to change our royal chiton into a.. We looked as though we were a street walker!”
The bigger one smiled, “I see,” she said as she stood, “And tell me, young stallion, did you do as she said?”
He nodded, “Uhh, sure, but I thought it was a dream,” he said before swallowing, “So, are you available?”
She looked at him, “No, I am a married mare,” she stated, “My husband sits there.”
He nodded, “So, is it an open marriage?”
She looked at Lulu, “Sister, I see your point,” she said sounding irritated before facing him, “No, our marriage isn’t open.”
He sighed, “Damn,” he said, “Although, once you’ve had the Rooster you won’t go back.”
She looked at him, the smile gone, and she looked more like his mother, “I see, I believe that I might have been incorrect,” she deadpanned, “I believe that you could improve your manners.”
She rubbed her chin, “As it so happens I believe I have a solution. There is a farm that has recently reopened near Ponyville, or rather from what I gathered it isn’t so much a separate farm as it a part of the farm that now grows pears. They are in need of laborers, and I believe that it would do you well to work there. So, as of this moment you are contracted by the crown as an official produce wrangler, and you are to report to Sweet Apple Acres. To ensure that you make it there two of our guards shall accompany you. Once there you will work a minimum of three months. We shall revisit this afterwards. I believe being separated from the clouds, and forced to live on the ground should go far in helping you learn humility.”
He grinned, not wanting to mess this up. He had a job, and living on the ground was fine with him.
