Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Most of this chapter is written in Japanese. Since I sincerely doubt you undereducated cretins can understand one, let alone multiple, languages, I’ve translated the important parts in brackets [Like This].

Heh, I bet you’re wondering who I am. I was just your run-of-the mill ningen [human], living an absolutely ordinary life in my home of Japan [A country inhabited by asian humans calling themselves ‘Japanese’]. I speak Japanese [A language spoken by Japanese people] and eat rice balls [Jelly donuts].

That is, until one day when I saw a kiddo [Kid] running into the streat chasing a tama [Ball].

“Yamero! [Stop!]” I shouted, but a truck driver was doing 70 in a neighborhood and was about to hit her. I jumped out into the street, pushing the child away, but Truck-Kun [Truck Man] must always have his toll…

Needless to say, I was pretty confused when I woke up in another world. Or, at least I would be, had I not seen all my Japenese Animes [Cartoons] where that exact thing happens. Looking at my hands, which were now uma te [Horse Hands], I realized I must have been isekaid [Reincarnated] as an uma [Horse].

“NAAAANIIII! [WHAAAAT!]” I yelled. Thankfully, no one was around to hear me as I was in an alley.

“Hmmmph, what do we have here?” Asked a strange voice. I turned my head to see some Yakuza Uma [Gang Horses] closing in. The one in front was bright yellow with giant green and magenta hair, revealing that he’s an important character.

“Hmmm, so my raibaru [Rival] has been revealed…” I put an arm up, shadowing my face and looking sugoi [Awesome] as all heck. “Choose your kotoba [Words] carefully, for this is a fateful encounter,” I said, smiling sugoily [Cooly].

The uma pequitas Small Horses scrunched his face in a way some would describe perhaps as a sochiki ato shita kamingu ni sore [A tissue after I’ve cummed in it]. “What? [Nani?] I don’t understand what you’re saying. Are you okay? Why are you yelling [Sakebu] in the alley behind my horse buildings [Uma Tatemono]?”

I couldn’t understand their uma gengo [Horse Language], so I decided to just attack before they could. I quickly got to my uma hiza [Horse Knees], the uma [Horses] gasping in concern as I revealed my true power.

“Behold the power of Ningens [Humans], filthy Dōbutsu [Animals]!” Finally facing my true power, they ran off screaming, and I just laughed.

“Baka [Fools],” I muttered, “you’re a thousand toshi [Years] too early to face me.”

Now I just had to figure out what to do. I wandered out of the alley, the bright lights an afront to my otaku neet [Faggot] lifestyle.

All around me were hundreds, maybe even dozens of karafuru uma [Colorful Horses] going about their daily lives. Just then, my onaka [Tummy Rumpler] went ‘doki doki’ [Rumbled], reminding me that uma [Horses] need food too.

Shittu [Shit]... What do uma [Horses] taberu [Eat]? Oh yes, they eat kusa [Grass]. I looked down, seeing some green stalks sticking out from between the tamaishi [Cobblestone]. It didn’t look very daijobu [Good]. I’m the main character, no way would I stoop to eating kusa [Grass] like a kitanai uma [Filthy Horse]. I looked around, easily spotting what looked like a uma [Horse] supermarket.

I’m sure there will be kalimari [Fish], rice balls [Jelly Donuts], sushi [Smelly Fish], tofu [White Cube], udon [Icky Soup], tempura [Fried Chicken Feet], ramen [Noodles], sashimi [Raw Fish], natto [Spider Eggs], Oden [The Allfather and leader of the Norse Mythological Pantheon of gods, residing in Valhalla with his trusted weapon ‘Gungnir’], and many, many other delicious things inside the supermarket.

My kuchi [Mouth] started watering just thinking about it. I immediately set off towards the supermarket to procure some food.

This reminds me of an old Japanese [Japanese] proverb, I thought, ’He who does not eat, does not sumu [Live]’

As I neared the supermarket, I noted the revolving door at the front through which went a constant stream of uma [Horses] in and out. I’ve never used a revolving door before, but how hard could it be? Looking up, I couldn’t read the weird uma kanji [Horse Writing] which makes me feel a bit like a baka [Idiot].

Inserting myself into the line of horses entering the revolving doors, I couldn’t help but smirk. “All according to keikaku [Translator note: ‘Keikaku’ means ‘plan’].”

As I neared the front of the lines, I pushed my way into the revolving door, however my timing must have been off. Having never used a revolving door, I realized my mistake a moment too late, and by then it was over.

It started with a slight pinch, which quickly twisted into gut-wrenching pain from my rear end. I turned my head 180 degrees (something uma [Horses] can do) and saw what happened. All my life I was used to wearing pantsu [Pants], and therefore hadn’t factored in the fact that my nattsu [Nuts] were dangling behind me unadorned like a pair of fuzzy dice on a mirror. And now they were caught in the revolving door!

I tried to stop, but the pressing throng of uma [Horses] was too much, and I was pushed forward and out, my testicles still snagged in the revolving door. I had but a single moment to gasp before I was pulled against the wall adjacent to the door as my balls were stretched like a glob of silly putty, bright pink with abuse. They made a full rotation, smacking me on the ass on the way by, before the fragile skin of my taint was unable to withstand the abuse any longer. It tore like a wet piece of newspaper, and like newspaper, it was re(a)d all over.

Great gouts of Ketusueki [Blood] spurted from my sundered gooch as though from a pressure washer, redwashing the revolving doors and the uma [Horses] that continued to go about their day, passing in and out through the revolving door. I finally understand the pain women go through every month, but with my fragile male constitution, it was too much. I passed out, my last hope was that maybe next time I’d be isekaid [reincarnated] as something cool, like an aoi harinezumi [Blue Hedgehog] or something…