Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Once she'd snapped out of her depressed state Applejack immediately started taking action. She went right back to tracking her bf quickly and precisely, following his sizable path of destruction. Within minutes, she had found his location, and gotten right up in his big dumb face.

"Applejack!" He cried while Rufus observed gleefully, taking delight in the lummox's obvious obliviousness.

"Don't you be 'Applejackin' me boy, I dun found that wadded up tissue with your cum on it!" She screamed.

"It wasn't actually a wadded up tissue remember?" Rufus helpfully provided, "It was your dead best friend."

Applejack made a face that just SCREAMED "aw shucks I dun fergot y'all," while a big, loud laugh track played. Unfortunately they were canned laughs since the studio audience was ripped to shreds not long ago.

"That's right, it was muh dang ol' best frienderino," she said, becoming momentarily flanderized. Not as a character, she literally turned into Ned Flanders for an imperceptible amount of time, like even shorter than an attosecond, "how could ya go an' not only cheat on me, but also fuck mah best friend to death at the same time?"

From Rufus's point of view, Applejack's boyfriend was stonewalling the whole complaint, remaining as steadfast and nonchalant as Rufus himself.

"This guy's badass," he whispered under his breath.

In reality however, the reason Touch remained silent and inexpressive was because his poor brain was still trying to process Applejack's complaints. Try as he might, he couldn't find a definition for a term like "frienderino" and he couldn't piece together the enormous strings of sentences his beloved was vomiting upon him. He was happy to see her, he knew that. He also knew that she wasn't happy at all. Screaming in his face usually meant "not happy."

All this pattern recognition wasn't helping Touch's tired brain as it desperately searched for a conclusion to come to.

Applejack was not happy. Not only that, but she was yelling at him.

"Mad." thought Touch, before elaborating on this thought out loud, "Applejack mad."

"No shit!" Applejack screamed.

"Awww," replied Touch, "me like shit."

"Me like shit too," Rufus supplied helpfully, perhaps once he'd fucked this guy's ex they could be bros, "but not diarrhea."

Applejack was surprised at this. Maybe she had more in common with Rufus than their extremely different appearances and personalities had indicated. Still though, she had a task to complete.

"HUUURRRRGGHH!" Screamed Applejack through grit teeth, "Y'all dun cheated on me!"

"Sorry," replied Touch, not knowing why he was apologizing. Or even what was going on in general. He knew his love was mad at him though, and instinctively his body apologized.

"Sorry ain't enough, this is the second time you've done this! I accepted when you dun fucked that gal to death in the hoofball game, that's customary fer the sport I get that. But you dun fucked mah friend...over pork chops."

In her emotional stupor, Applejack had forgotten that Touch couldn't possibly comprehend a word of that drivel. Once that fact dawned on her, the anger nearly faded from her face, as she let out a frustrated sigh.

"Applejack no date you. You bad boyfriend." She sobbed simply, before turning and trotting off, leaving a trail of apples in her wake.

"Gyarsh, I sure hope none of those hit me in the balls," Rufus muttered as he took off after her for like the fourth fucking time.

Admittedly seven words had been pushing it, and pushing hard, but as Touch stood motionless while his lover and some strange rat thing ran off, he managed to accurately process what Applejack had said. She was done with him. He was alone. Realizing that his Applejack was gone, made him remember that his little puppy was dead too.

First Meeples, now his beloved Applejack.

It had been a long time since he'd been without Applejack.

"Cry," ordered Touch Down, and cry his body did.

After a few minutes of running and crying, Applejack finally stopped, allowing Rufus to catch up to her, get down on all fours, and try desperately to catch his breath.

"Ah appreciate you joinin' me fer that, you really kept me on topic."

"Yeah, no problem," gasped Rufus as sweat poured down his chinny chin chin. Unless naked mole rats don't have sweat glands in which case he was wet for an unknown reason.

"Yeah I just looked it up on my phone," said Ots'ehte, "you don't have sweat glands."

"Then what the hell is all this liquid?" inquired Rufus, before looking up. He was greeted with the lovely sight of an orange horse vagina blasting him with piss.

"There, you're properly dressed up for our date," said Applejack as she unleashed the final spurts of piss, which sputtered like a garden sprinkler.

Rufus blushed, having almost forgotten that he was about to go on a real date with a genuine horse woman.

"Ah know just where ta go too," she exclaimed as she pranced off with Rufus in tow. After a while they came upon a distinctly fancy section of town, with a classy cobblestone road.

"Tony's! Of course!" She cried, motioning to a simple Italian restaurant, with a light-up purple-and-green sign that read "TONY'S."

"The very place for a very special occasion." she continued, walking up to the front.

As they passed the front door, Rufus turned to enter, but Applejack was swift to correct him.

"No! This way, I have my own private entrance," she declared, before sauntering down an alleyway to the side of the building.

Rufus followed, somewhat confused. It wasn't the worst alley he'd ever been to. It was pointedly devoid of any sort of rapists or violent vagrants, and there was even a crate of various green vegetables all still fresh for some reason.

"Wait here." Applejack instructed, before creeping up to a half-open Dutch door and scratching at it with her hoof.

"Just-a wait a minute, I'm-a comin. I'm eh-" Came a boisterous Italian voice from within the restaurant, before a massive pony (both in terms of girth and height) poked his head through the top of the Dutch door. He looked around, confused, "what's-a goin on, someone is makin-a da April Fool of-a-"

The colossal Italian was cut off yet again, this time by several sharp, loud barks. He looked down to see his favorite customer in the world sitting patiently outside, panting as she wagged her tail.

"Ooooohhh Apple-a-jack!" He exclaimed excitedly, "Where have-a you been-a so looong?"

He opened the bottom half of the Dutch door, which if you didn't know and are too inept to figure out through context clues, is one of those doors that splits in half across the width, it's not a set of double doors, idiot. You've probably seen them in cartoons. I read about them in books. When was the last time you read a book? Oh right, you're fifty thousand words deep into Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria, how could I forget?

As he came outside to greet her, Applejack hopped around and spun in a circle, still wagging her tail.

"Hey Joe, look who's here!" Called the pony to someone inside.

Another pony, just as tall but much skinnier, and with a far larger moustache, wandered into view of the main characters and squealed like a delighted Italian.

"Well-a whattayaknow, it's-a Apple-a-jack!" He exclaimed as Applejack tackled the fatter pony, lathering him with many kisses.

"Hey, hey, hey, Joe," said the rotund pony through chuckling fits, "bring some-a bones for Apple-a-jack before she-a eat me up okay?"

"Okay Tony, Okay. Bones-a comin' up!" Joe replied from inside the kitchen as he tossed various animal bones into a dog bowl.

Meanwhile, Applejack tugged at Tony's apron and lead him over to Rufus, who stayed right the fuck where he was. No way was this giant gonna intimidate him.

"No way are you intimidating me, giant." He even said, proving what I said earlier about how he wouldn't be intimidated.

"Ehhhhh, what's this? Hey Joe! Apple-a-jack has-a got herself a new-a boyfriend!"

This eased Rufus's nerves a bit, not that he was intimidated or anything. He wasn't! He's just a little nervous around new people. Still, this monster was making a pretty good wingman so far.

"Well-a son of a gun!" Cried Joe, who'd walked over while I was talking about Rufus, "she's-a got a naked mole rat boy!"

As Joe walked off to go get the bowl of bones, Tony leaned in close to Applejack and smiled mischievously.

"He's a pretty sweet one eh? He'll never die of cancer! You take-a Tony's advice and-a settle down with this-a one, eh?"

"This-a one?" Inquired Rufus, having not understood a word of that drivel.

"This-a one. Oh! That there got-danged Tony not-a speak-a English so good."

As far as Rufus was concerned, both of them shared that trait.

"Now first, fix-a the table!" Declared Tony as he set out a half barrel with a tablecloth over it, before setting out a small basket of bread sticks (aw ethesto remember the bread sticks bit from Republican Bureau? These peons never got to read that awesome joke we perfected together) and a candle in a wine bottle.

"Here's-a your bones, Tony!" Interrupted Joe, holding up a big bowl of juicy bones that glistened in the candlelight.

"Okay bones...Bones?!? What's the matter for you, Joe?" Screamed Tony as he grabbed Joe by the throat and momentarily attempted to squeeze the life out of him, "I break-a you face! Tonight-a, Apple-a-jack, she's-a get a-best in house!"

"Okay Tony," muttered Joe as soon as he could breathe again before he turned and trudged back into the kitchen, "you da boss."

"Now-a do tell," squealed Tony as he softened his demeanor and turned to his non-paying customers, "what's your pleasure? A la carte? Dinero?"

Applejack once again replied with a series of barks, while Tony nodded as though he perfectly understood.

"Aha, hey Joe! Apple-a-jack, she says she wants-a two spaghetti especiale." Yelled Tony, "Heavy on a meat-a-ball."

Inside the kitchen sat Joe, confused.

"Tony, Apple-a-jack don't-a talk."

"Well she's-a talkin' to me!" Screamed Tony, yet again ready to choke a motherfucker.

"Okay, she's-a talkin' to you!" Replied Joe as he got to work on the spaghetti, "You the boss, mamma mia."

"Oh they want-a me to go heavy on the meat-a-ball eh?" He mumbled angrily as he poured multiple bottles of cow laxatives into his big boiling pot, "Joe-a gonna give them-a the heaviest-a meat-a-ball they ever seen!"

Once Joe was finished, he handed a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs to Tony, who walked out and served it to the mentally ill freeloaders in his midst.

"Now here you are-a, the best-a spaghetti in a-town!" He declared, before running back into the kitchen.

"So those guards from earlier, what was that about?" Asked Rufus, making small talk

"What n' the gawsh dern heck do ya mean ya friggin' varmint?"

"We just popped into a clubhouse real quick and they pretty much forgot I existed." Rufus replied.

"Ah, they didn't 'pretty much' ferget, they did ferget. Them crystal-brains lack object permanence, not like the pegasi ones."

"Is that what's up with your ex?"

"Nah Touch is just fuckin' stupid, he's capable of small amounts of thought. Got basic pattern recognition when he really puts his mind to it too."

"So what's with all the barking?" Asked Rufus as he slurped up a long strand of spaghetti like it was an Earth Pony intestine and he was a Teletubby.

Applejack chuckled, "I'm tricking them into believing I think I'm a dog so they'll give me free meals."

Rufus laughed, harder than he had in a long time, before scarfing down another meatball.

In a flash Tony was back, this time with an accordion.

"Ohhhh this is the niiight, it's a beautifuuul niiight, and we caaalll it Bella nooootteee." He sang as he danced in place, occasionally glancing at the unholy couple as they ate.

"What about the Pegasus soldiers?" Rufus asked, hoping that somehow, Pegasus Character had been dumb enough not to suffer.

"Oh they're fully sentient like you er' me. Why do you ask."

"Just curious." He replied, holding back tears.

Rufus noticed that there was now a single meatball left, and instinctively he grabbed it, before realizing he'd better give it up if he wanted any pussy. Reluctantly, he put it back on the plate, and nudged it over to Applejack's side. She blushed, before gracefully swallowing it whole without even tasting it.

Rufus watched this in amazement, absentmindedly slurping a seemingly endless spaghetti strand. As he did, Applejack leaned down and sucked up a strand of her own.

"Hey, did ya hear about that guy who got his balls stuck in a revolving door earlier today?" Applejack asked with a smile.

"What? That's crazy, no I didn't fuckin' hear about that at all! What happened?"

"Some crazy pony nobody's seen before dun started screamin' in some indecipherable language and runnin' around," she explained, waving her hooves dramatically, "an' he runs into a supermarket an' gets his balls caught, stretched, an' torn completely off!"

"Ouch," said Rufus, clutching his balls that were still sore from the maelstrom of apples they'd endured already, "what happened to him?"

"Oh he died in the hospital." She replied, before returning her attention to her food.

They were past small talk, and simply sat together, enjoying the music and taking in the romance of the charming cobblestone alley as they ate.

Before they knew it, they were both slurping the same strand, and in a few short slurps, their lips collided, snapping them out of their stupors. They stayed like that for a moment, before Rufus blushed and turned away.

"For thiiis is the niiight, and the heavens are riiight, on this looovely bellaaaa notteeeeeeeee."