Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Elsewhere, Dipsy was not exactly having the time of his life. Despite being severely outnumbered he'd anticipated this battle would be child's play based on his previous experience with these creatures.

A seemingly endless barrage of shoulder tackles from overhead Pegasi, and ruthless hoof-stomps from an ocean of Earth Ponies bounded against every inch of his body. Unlike the utterly futile attacks of the guards that had accompanied Tinky Winky's new Noo-Noo, these blows had a force behind them that, to Dipsy, was akin to being lightly smacked over and over again.

With the blows coming in at a rate of several hundred per second, the damage was accumulating, and so too was the pain. Dipsy tried to swat, swipe, and grab at the thrashing horde, but a battalion of unicorns a thousand strong held him in place with paralysis magic.

"Yeah, yeah motherfucker! You like that shit?" Taunted Chaz Nunchucks from afar, not really doing anything aside from his initial command.

Dipsy certainly did not, and he expressed his displeasure post-haste. "Tubby custard!"

By this point, the attacks had accumulated enough damage to make him sore all over his entire body. Why, he even had a bloody nose, zounds!

"You're the one who's tubby pal." Rebutted Chaz crudely.

A single tear flitted down Dipsy's cheek as one of his deepest insecurities was picked at during a period of vulnerability he'd never experienced in his life. The tear was swiftly punched away by a horseshoed hoof. Had it not been, it would've evaporated against the heat of Dipsy's rage.

"Tubby custard!" He screamed, an electric aura flashing around his body as his head diddly extended to twice normal length.

Dipsy flexed, noting that the unicorns' magic petrification now felt akin to those resistance bands people use when they can't afford weights. This was going to be too easy.

Ignoring the stomps and tackles of the elite pony guards, Dipsy stood on his hands, raising his asshole to the sky. Clockwise he spun, gaining speed until the ponies that dared draw close were sucked in and blendered into chunks by Dipsy's swinging legs.

"Dammit fall back," screamed Chaz loud enough for everyone to hear, perhaps his special talent is screaming extremely loudly.

"Honestly I think my momma might've seen this coming and had a sick sense of humor." Moaned a mangled, legless pony from beside Dipsy. "Why else would she name me Little Legloser?"

Maybe there will be a part of the story where we find out why his mom named him that. Only time will tell.

"Tubby custard!" Cried Dipsy, before unleashing a massive spire of spiraling diarrhea from his skyward anus.

The shit twister splurged upward like Ol' Faithful, sending several-thousand degree hot fecal matter into the sky in a straight line. As Dipsy spun around the plaza at supersonic speed, smashing through earth ponies and unicorns indiscriminately, his beam of shit followed him. It too carved its own path of death, this time drawing lines of sky blue in the overhead mass of looming black that was the Pegasus army.

As the shit fired up into the outer atmosphere, it eventually cooled and froze, falling back to the ground as massive chunks of shit-hail. The frozen chunks of shit smashed through ponies and infrastructure all over Ponyville, carried far beyond the plaza from which they originated thanks to stratospheric winds.

Soon more than half of the once-strong army has been reduced to either chunks of flesh and limbs, or in the case of the Pegasi, become the blood portion of a blood-shit soup that eventually became blood-shit hail.

Unlike the crystal-brained guards from before, these ponies were starting to notice the fact that they were dropping like flies.

"Hey so this isn't looking like it's gonna work out in our favor," observed Singholm Uther, a middle-aged lady pony with two kids and no husband, "I think I might bounce soon, my son has hoofball practice in fifteen minutes."

Her concerns were dashed away in an instant as Dipsy collided with her, grinding her flesh into paste like asphalt against the back of a crashing motorcyclist. Within several blinks of an eye she was no more. This of course meant that her little boy wouldn't make it to hoofball practice.

"Yeah I think I'd rather be dishonorably discharged than melted to death in a beam of shit." Admitted Bible Bastard from above, having heard her thanks to his previously established gigantic ears. "I think my heartsweet back home in Canterlot would understand, even though I'm just a day from retirement."

Fortunately for Bible Bastard's heartweet the only discharge her husband was going to be receiving was a hot, brown one. Namely a several-thousand degree beam of shit that instantly melted his bones and flesh, while evaporating all the water in his cells. This caused all the melting skin to burst off his body in a puff of steam, as his skinless body was rocketed into the stratosphere where it would be converted into more blood-shit-hail. Now that he had died in the line of duty, there was no risk of her being married to a disgraced military deserter.

As their numbers dwindled below a quarter of their original size, the army saw fit to flee instead of fight. The ponies all clambered out of the plaza and into any part of Ponyville they could find that wasn't inhabited by these monsters. So pretty much all of the rest of it. As they scrambled past each other, some saw fit to clip their fellow former-soldiers in the knees. Perhaps this was out of self-preservation to slow Dipsy down behind them, perhaps some just didn't like each other.

Realizing the ponies had stopped sitting still to be slaughtered, and started doing something smart like running away, Dipsy knew he had to act fast. Scanning the escaping horde, he quickly found the garish color-scheme and armor he was looking for.

In a flash he dashed through the fleeing stampede, plucking one pony out of the remaining thousands. The one who had said all that mean stuff to him.

"Ohhhh duuuude, what, was it the tubby line? I'm sorry!" Screamed Chaz, not even caring if he looked like a sissy in front of his girlfriend who was now dead from being bludgeoned millions of times and spun at several thousand rotations per minute.

Dipsy didn't even bother taking the time to reject the apology, instead taking his hand and using it to rip Chaz's right foreleg clean off his body.

"Hmm, ouch." Said Chaz Nunchucks.

Then Dipsy ripped off his left.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Screamed Nunchucks as tears filled his eyes, "That hurt so fucking much more than the other one. Probably because I am left-hoofed."

Dipsy then followed suit with Chaz's legs, and then his wings, until he was holding a living sausage with a pony head.

"Please dude, I said I was totally sorry...isn't it enough that you killed my gf?"

Dipsy once again cringed at what he hoped would be the last time he'd ever hear someone say "gf" instead of "girlfriend" unironically. In lieu of an answer, Dipsy shoved Chaz up his butt asshole-first, so that Chaz's head was sticking out of his ass.

"Criminy…well do I at least get some last words?" Pleaded Chaz.

"Tubby custard." Relented Dipsy.

"You're the one who's tubby, faggot. Gf gf gf gf gf gf gf gf gf."

Dipsy flexed his rectal muscles with all of his might, intending to blast Chaz into the sky with his molten feces like a human cannonball that gets liquefied and turned into blood-shit hail. Instead, Dipsy's shit traveled directly up Chaz's asshole, firing through his entire digestive tract in a straight line and up into his cranium. The pony head at the end of Dipsy's asshole inflated rapidly, swelling like Zim's pimple in that one episode of Invader Zim. In a manner similar to the pimple in that episode, Chaz's head burst, unleashing, instead of pus, ball after ball of red-hot blood-shit in random directions.

Once the roman candle display had ceased, Dipsy reached around to his asshole and pulled what was left of Chaz out of his ass, lazily tossing it onto the ground. Then he removed his mangled Fleur turtleneck and placed it over the pony's shit-caked remains.

Tubby custard.((At least in the end he got to be with his gf.)) He thought to himself.

Suddenly, Dipsy felt a twinge of pain in his tummy screen. Craning his neck forward to get a better look, he saw something that rattled him to the core.

His homie, his broheim, who had promised him a brand new Noo-Noo of his own, was on his tummy screen, rocketing into the sun. Dipsy looked on in horror as his best dang pal in the whole wide world evaporated in an instant. The harsh, squealing chuckles of the baby head sun seemed to be going in slow motion, clawing at Dipsy's ear drums. Mocking him.

This didn't make sense, Tinky Winky was as tough as Teletubbies come! With a flick his tummy screen flashed to a new scene, this one of a big, buff, angry looking horse, and a weird little rat thing Dipsy only barely recognized.

If he hadn't seen it on his own tummy screen he wouldn't have believed it possible for two lesser creatures to get the best of Tinky Winky. Still, it must've happened. Tummy screens never lie. If these creatures were that powerful, he wouldn't be able to take them on alone. He would need the help of his other best pals. So he tuned his tummy screen to the location of his still-living buddies Laa-Laa and Po. He was greeted to a scene of them angrily stomping down the streets of the town, clearly headed towards something.

Whatever that was, he'd be sure to mansplain to them why his problem was more important when he caught up.

"Could we not talk about this first for…" Rufus began pleading before trailing off and bending down to his juicy fucking WAP. "Ots'ehte, how much longer before you're set up in there?"

Ots'ehte rolled his eyes as he hung up a painting of a sailboat on the vaginal wall above his CRT HV. "Well you can't rush art but it should only be a couple minutes."

“A few minutes…?” Rufus finished, his eyes bulging with inert inner goo as he pulled off his skintails and held them to his chest like Puss’n Boots in that scene in Shrek 2, lookin’ all cute-like.

Touch Down didn’t understand cuteness, though, or perhaps the hat holding his shattered skull together was two-sizes too tight. Whatever the reason, his brain or his hat, he sat there in the street, hating this naked mole rat. His frown managed to convey his message faster than his mouth, but his mouth flapped open regardless to utter almost in slow motion as he attempted to convert thought into sound. “You hurt Applejack, and now I am going to hurt you.”

He made a slight movement, but Rufus quickly put his arms up in a placating manner, “Woah, woah, now! No need to be quick about it. Lets, uh… Talk first…”

Touch Down didn’t seem to be paying him much mind as he charged up his muscles, preparing for a powerful smash attack.

Rufus frantically looked for some way to change the subject, when he saw Touch Down’s thigh tattoo. “You ummm, like handling eggs with your hooves?”

Touch Down immediately stopped as he heard the keywords ‘eggs’ and ‘hooves’ together, and his urge to hear more intensified. Rufus caught on quickly and began wracking his brain with his internal brain wrackers for a way to keep this conversation going. “Eggs are pretty cool… Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew. You know.”

Touch Down’s face furrowed a bit more and Rufus quickly started talking again. “I-I-I mean, one egg in the hoof is worth two in the anus, r-right?”

He didn’t seem to be on the right trail here, and beads of sweat the size and shape on my sweaty gym socks started rolling down his face as he attempted to think of something.

“You wanna see a cool trick?! I can make an egg-shaped thing appear!” Touch Down’s mouth curled into a derpy smile as the promise of a cool trick came into play.

“Yeah, yeah, this is good. I can work with this,” Rufus mumbled to himself as he paced quickly in a circle. “I just crapped like 5 minutes ago, but if I focus really hard maybe I can digest that Tubby Custard really quickly…”

“Watch this!” He announced louder for Touch, then he began to strain. His face turned red, teeth grinding together with enough force for hairline fractures to run all the way up his molars and into his skull, making a sound like two slabs of concrete rubbing against each other. His innards heated up to well over twice the legal limit as they began processing the mush with an incredible speed.

“What the heck man, I don’t have any AC in here!” Ots’ehte complained, hitting the vagina roof with a broom handle.

Rufus didn’t bother answering, too focused on his task, his blood-shot eyes bulging out of his head, held only in place by their flesh ropes. Thankfully, he had so much extra surface area on his tummy due to the bloating that the intense heat was able to drain off into the atmosphere quicker than normal, otherwise he may have actually burnt up. A horrible gurgling sound issued from his intestines, signifying that his hard work was about to produce hot, painful diarrhea instead of the solid, healthy loaves that he’s used to. He began yelling, channeling all his power into colon control, wishing he hadn’t traded all the chaos emeralds for a pack of cigs to that black and red motherfucker.

Over a minute passed before he was finally able to breathe again and by then his face was sweatier than Casey Tatum, and he had a brand new, super dense log of real, certifried Naked Mole Crap ready to reveal to the world. He took just a few moments to breath before he grunted again, this time his anus stretching to twenty-times its normal size as it squeezed out an egg-shaped chunk of feces the size of his head.

With a Johnny Test whip-crack sound effect, his anus rubber banded, launching his newest creation into the sunset. They ignored the loud banging coming from a little further up the street, as it probably wasn’t important. He took a few deep breaths before turning to gauge Touch Down’s reaction, only to see that the pony was up on his feet, more irate(gamer) than even an irate(gamer) egret in Israel with Irish Isis enthusiasts.

“Tough crowd…” Rufus joked, not sure what he did wrong, but he was surely about to be crunchy crunched beneath Touch Down’s gamer girl feet (if Touch Down was a gamer, a girl, or had feet).