Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Dipsy was quite happy with his new shoes. He’d gotten tired of running around, so opted to simply fit a pair of screaming ponies onto his feet, his prehensile toes nestled comfortably in the nerve cluster that passed for a brain in these primitive beasts. With the slightest of movements, he was able to control their legs, running them under him down the roads of Ponyville while he relaxed. Why hadn’t he done this before? Now he wouldn’t have to walk anywhere ever again. Tinky Winky would be so happy to find a new type of foot Noo-noo to work on.

The thought of Tinky Winky almost brought a tinge of sadness and regret to the great green galloping goliath, however Teletubbies lack even the barest hints of such emotions. Instead he felt only the white-hot burning of rage. His toes subconsciously strummed even faster as he contemplated what he’d do with the ones who’d murdered his best friend for absolutely no reason. He’d make them pay!

The pony shoes picked up speed racing through town without any regard for safety, spurred on by Dipsy’s resolve for revenge. A hearty squelching could be heard with each step as they troughed through the pulped remains of ponies, huge footprints revealing he was on the right track. Despite his growing excitement to join with his other roomies so they could go on an even wilder killing spree in honor of Tinky WInky, his shoes were really putting a damper on the moment with their incessant screaming.

At times like this he really could agree with Rarity in Brony-skin Coats, in that these things should come with a skin lid. He resolved to simply sew their mouths shut later like in that one short story about having no mouth but still having to scream, whatever it’s called.

Seabiscuit, now more commonly referred to as Dinky’s left shoe, shouted and cried, in the most excruciating pain of his entire life. He could feel each movement of the chicken-nugget-like toes as they plucked and pulled at the nerves in his brain meat.

“This really sucks, doesn’t it?!” He shouted, between gasping breaths, glad that he at least had control of his mouth. He’d been a racer before his sudden, untimely career change, so he had always been quite fast, but this monstrosity was pushing his body even further than he’d ever gone.

Next to him, Old Yeller also screamed. He’d been an ordinary Golden Retriever in a past life before being Isekai’d into Ponyville, only for Dinky to find him. He thought, not for the first time in the past few minutes, that the idea that ‘all dogs go to heaven’ may not be true after all. He replied to Seabiscuit’s question with a question of his own. “Ruff ruff?”

Seabiscuit didn’t quite catch what his forced traveling companion had said, so he asked him what he said. “What did you say?”

“Bark, bark, chomp, ruff!” Old Yeller replied, panting heavily from such exertion. Seabiscuit didn’t even respond and instead simply went back to screeching pathetically, and Old Yeller quickly joined him while rolling his eyes. Present company almost made him prefer the shotgun…

The sound of screaming ponies caught Laa-Laa and Po’s attention, and they turned and waved as Dipsy rapidly approached. Perhaps too rapidly, they soon realized as they jumped out of the way. Dipy, found out a bit too late he didn’t quite know where the brakes were on these things. Without time to figure it out, he simply collided into the side of a home, inside of which were cowering and hiding a family of ponies.

Dipsy tore through the building’s wall like it was paper, but his shoes were not so lucky, having their legs pulverized. Without them holding him up, he tipped forward, traveling at extreme speed, the pony family barely had time to scream, but they did have a bit. Their shrill cries were cut off as Dipsy belly flopped onto them, his body reflexively tensing up like an emperor penguin on ice, and he hydroplaned on their mulched corpses, their blood acting as a suitable lubricant to allow him to effortlessly slide through the living room, kitchen, and out through the back wall.

Any notion that anyone survived the crash inside the house was squashed as the room came down behind him, enshrouding the whole area in dust as Dipsy slid to a halt in the next door garden. Laa-Laa and Po trounced through the knee-high rubble and found their green friend lying on his belly wearing some janky ass kicks.

“Tubby Custard?” Po asked, pointing at the brutalized ponies on his little toesies. ((What are those!?))

Dipsy rolled over and looked down at his shoes, both of which were bleeding and thrashing their bent and broken legs. He began crying as his new shoes were ruined, huge streams of snot and drool washing down his chinless neck and cleaning any trace of pony blood from his tummy screen.

It turned on, and Laa-Laa and Po watched a flashback about Dipsy finding the ponies and putting them on his feet before running through town. They nodded with understanding, and each put a fat hand on one of his shoulders.

Laa-Laa reached into the rubble and rifled around a bit before finding not a rifle, but an old shotgun. It looked like a toy in her big, good, strong hands, but she bent it in the middle and inserted a couple of shells into the twin barrels with practiced ease. She went back and explained to Dipsy that when ponies break their legs you have to put them down, otherwise they’ll be sad for the rest of their lives. “Tubby Custard.”

She leveled the shotgun at Old Yeller, and he looked up, having been here before. He locked eyes with Laa-Laa, hoping at least that this time he’d be isekai’d somewhere more pleasant. She pulled the trigger, blowing his head off, and Po laughed and clapped while Dipsy rubbed the tears and snot from his face. Unfortunately, this time Old Yeller was isekai’d straight to hell where he suffered eternally for not being a Christian. This of course means he was isekai'd back into Equestria because as we established earlier, Equestria is hell. I wonder who will shotgun him next? Perhaps Braeburn? Maybe Derpy will blow his brains out.

Laa-Laa then turned and smiled down at Seabiscuit who’d just witnessed his best friend be executed.

“W-wait!” he cried, “there’s a hospital just down the street. They can fix all this easily!”

Laa-laa shook her head sadly at him. He was clearly in denial. His legs were broken. He’d never race again. She brought up the shotgun and blasted him right in the face. All was quiet for a few moments before he started screaming again with renewed vigor. They all turned and looked at him with confusion, only to find that Laa-laa’s aim was a bit off and she’d only blown off his face without killing him.

“Tubby Custard.” she said innocently, bopping the side of her head with her fist in a playful gesture. The group shared a laugh before Dipsy simply kicked his foot, flinging the wailing shoe up onto an electrical wire where it hung, attracting hungry ravens that came and feasted on its eyeballs and entrails.

Dipsy was pulled out of his revelry as he saw Po’s face, which had a stinky brown skidmark spreading from cheek to cheek like the nice white carpet after I rub my bare ass on it. This Dirty Sanchez accented her red cheeks like a racing stripe, and Dipsy couldn’t help but think it actually suited her quite well.

She noticed him looking and pointed to her face, explaining the whole situation. “Tubby Custard.”

He nodded, and explained that he was also looking for the same thing, and also explained that Tinky Winky had been murdered by the one they were looking for and a brown pony, “Tubby Custard.”

Po and Laa-laa looked down in mock sadness, but actually they were really angry. Laa-laa exclaimed that they should find the ones responsible and kill them even worse than they were already going to, “Tubby Custard.”

Po and Dipsy agreed, but wondered how they were going to find them in this maze of shitty pony buildings, “Tubby Custard.”

This all happened in a fraction of a second.

Then suddenly a brown projectile struck Po right in the shnozz, leaving it broken and covered in a thick layer of brown. Dipsy and Laa-laa looked at her and began laughing.

“Tubby Custard!” Laa-laa shouted while pointing, as if to say ‘we knew you were a brown-noser, but this is ridiculous!’.

Dipsy laughed too, until he caught a whiff of the projectile that had struck her, which now spun on the ground with its remaining momentum, dented and steaming. Po snorted in a nostril-full and Laa-laa breathed in the shit fumes, all three of them coming to the same conclusion.

“Tubby Custard!” they shouted in unison, realizing instantly that this was the smell of digested tubby custard. They’d know that smell anywhere, and they turned to see where the turd had come from, only to spot the pink rat man and the brown pony squaring off a little further down the road.