Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Rufus sat absolutely nonplussed on the wooden floor of the Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse, despite having glued several plusses to himself after losing them two times before. While he'd been formulating a master plan to get rid of the battalion of ponies that had wanted his head, the owner of the vagina he yearned for merely clutched him by the scruff of his neck and pulled him inside.

Once the cheap door had been slammed shut, the surrounding swarm became confused and left. Evidently, the Earth Pony crystal guards were so mentally inept, they lacked object permanence. To them, Rufus had ceased to exist.

"Well thanks for the rescue, toots," charmed Rufus, regaining his bearings, "how's about I take you on a date as a reward?"

Applejack blushed, "Ah'm charmed really, but I happen to have a famous, athletic boyfriend."

Rufus visibly wilted.

"Speakin' of, Ah should probably go check up on the ol' lummox. He's been having one hell of a day."

Rufus could empathize, but he needed that vagina, so he followed Applejack as she dashed out the clubhouse door. Together, they ran to Ponyville, Rufus lagging behind considerably on his stubby appendages.

Once they were a good way into the town proper, Applejack scanned her surroundings for any sign of her bumbling beloved one. Mostly she was looking for bodies and property damage. She hadn't a clue where to look really, Touch could get into all sorts of messes without her supervision.

Off in the distance, she saw a partially-obliterated house, and in an instant she'd sprinted to it. It definitely LOOKED like Touch's handiwork, Applejack had seen it enough times to tell.

She sank low to the ground, eyeing the perfectly-imprinted holes in the ground that represented Touch Down's hoofprints. Sticking her own hoof in and scraping it along the hole wall, she judged the angle of the hoofsteps in question. From this she was able to determine the direction Touch had been running in what she hoped was his most recent path of destruction. Otherwise she'd be at this all day.

"You're a pretty good tracker," chimed Rufus as he observed from a few feet away, "you should help me hunt down delicious prey sometime."

"Ah might take you up on that once I've got a handle on Touch."

"Oh yeah great bring your boyfriend," Rufus moaned as dryly as he possibly could.

Applejack chuckled in response, then trotted off on the same path as the footprints she was following.

"Hurry up and steal her vagina," Ots'ehte hissed impatiently from underneath the safety of his chosen skin flap.

"It's not like I'm not trying," retorted Rufus angrily, "she's not some two-assed chupicabra, she's a smart, honest woman with a fucking boyfriend. I'm trying."

Ots'ehte merely grumbled.

"I don't want to hear anymore bitching," the mole rat continued as he plodded after Applejack, "if your stupid Transvaginator stole vaginas faster I wouldn't have to go through all this bullshit."

The hoof prints brought the two of them into the wreckage of a small cottage. Twisted wooden struts poked haphazardly from a mound of splintered furniture and thatch and a horrible stench wafted up from deep within the rubble. Applejack reached out with her tongue and tasted the upholstery of what was once a chair. “It’s still warm, I reckon this is fresh.”

Rufus eyed the destruction and whistled. “What happened here?”

Applejack turned back to him, her eyes half-lidded and glazed over with eye glaze as she remarked huskliy, “Mah ultra-hunk boyfriend happened here. He’s real strong.”

“Oh great, that makes me feel much better,” Rufus remarked sarcastically, having hoped that her boyfriend would turn out to be a stupid nerd he could give a perminant swirly to in order to win over Applejack’s effection.

“He’s so strong, Ah can’t even let ‘im help out on tha farm for fear ‘a him destroyin’ mah crops. One time he done kicked one-a mah trees so far, me an’ the girls done had ta’ take that ther pony express all tha way to Applooza to recover it,” she seamlessly transitioned into an anecdote.

Rufus wasn’t really listening, but he nodded his head as she talked to show he was good boyfriend material.

After finishing her story, Applejack’s tongue slid out and subsumed the eye glaze freeing her vision as she attempted to determine which direction Touch Down had traveled. She began digging through the wreckage, scavenging through it like a particularly picky vulture, until she found exactly what she was searching for. A still-bubbling pool of orange goop had been revealed, releasing an unholy stench.

Rufus liked smelly things, so he didn’t cover his nose, but he did ask what it was. “What is that?” He asked.

Applejack pulled out her perspectacles to place on the bridge of her nose, but accidentally crushed them with her hoofs. “Touch travels so dern quick, when his contrale meets liquids they done rapidly atomize like a vermin in a large hadron collider. I reckon this poor fella was mindin’ his business when Touch came through. Tha trick is, one side atomizes milliseconds before tha other, givin’ tha slightest tint to tha pool. With careful eyebservation, ah betcha we can figure out which di-rection he headed off in.” she rambled.

Honestly, the only ‘di-rection’ Rufus cared about was the direction of his erection as he watched her bend over the pool, and he could easily measure that by the angle of the dangle. He was about to make his move when there was a loud crash as another building down the block blasted into bits.

"Touch?" Applejack cried out as she Rainbow Dashed ;D in the direction of the destruction. Unfortunately when she got closer, she found out it was a completely unrelated exploding house. Dejected, she sunk her head low and wordlessly continued following Touch's trail of hoof falls, splintered homes, and feces.

She tip-hoofed around and slithered through obliterated houses and monuments, until she came across what could have easily been the fanciest building in Ponyville, if it weren't filled with giant holes.

"That's rather odd, Touch ain't much for wearin' any sorta fancy clothes," Applejack mused aloud as she walked through what was once the door of a marvelous boutique, "hey Rare, I'm sorry to barge in but I'm lookin' for Touch an' it seems he stopped by."

There was a deafening silence that followed, which scared Rufus silly.

"Ah geez I don't wanna go deaf!" he screamed, breaking the silence and saving both of their hearing.

"Touch was definitely here, his footsteps an' feces are everywhere," muttered our sweet southern belle as she sniffed the air, "his semen too."

Rufus looked down to make sure he wasn't standing in any semen, only to, sure enough, see his little foot resting in the largest puddle of cum in the entire room.

He put his semen-soaked foot up in the air and stared at it, considering whether or not he should just cut it off.

Before he could, Applejack leapt through the air and took his entire foot in her mouth. Drawing back, she slowly pulled it out, sucking off all the cum like a cartoon cat when it sticks a whole fish into its mouth and pulls out just the skeleton.

"Waste not," she muttered, bending down and sucking up the cum puddle he'd stepped in, before focusing her attention on the rest of the floor, slurping up discarded semen like a cum-crazed Noo-Noo.

Rufus had to admit, he was enjoying watching her bend over and drink cum.

"I have to admit, I'm enjoying watching you bend over and drink cum," Rufus admitted as he enjoyed Applejack bending over and drinking cum.

Applejack blushed and made her way into the adjacent kitchen, sucking up cum as she went. What she saw when she got there was so shocking, that it made her projectile vomit the cum she'd drank all over the room.

Across from her was what appeared to be a wadded up tissue with my cum in it. But Applejack knew better. Wadded up tissues with my cum in them don't have manes, horns, or tails. Certainly not purple curly ones.

As she examined the crumbled corpse of her dead best friend, tears found their way streaming down the sides of her face.

"Ah can't believe it," she sobbed as she trudged away from the body and back into the living room where Rufus still sat.

"What's wrong Queen? Your tiara is slipping?" Inquired Rufus.

"Touch cheated on me."

Rufus’ eyes widened, quickly growing in size by no less than 28%. This was wonderful news, at least for him. He started doing a little jig as he watched Applejack’s tear ducts prolapse. They stretched and turned inside out, before opening like a sphincter to let her large, solid, red, fruit tears out. She sobbed, apples dropping from her eyeballs like apple rice at an apple bar mitzvah. Rufus used his own eyes which were currently not emitting apples to check out her ass, and noticed that she had an apple tramp stamp on her flank. Perhaps she had such a tattoo because she had a particular talent for crying apples???

Rufus’ dance was cut short as an apple flew across the room and hit him in the head.

“Yeowch, watch where you’re pointing that thing!” Rufus scowled, but Applejack probably didn’t hear him through all the apples in her eyes. She blew her nose and apples came out, and it made Rifus realize he’d never questioned where apples come from before.

“No wonder the doctor doesn’t like those thing- Watch out!” his ear centipede cried, prompting Rufus to karate chop an apple out of the air. “We really got to calm her down, lest we end up bludgeoned to death by apples.”

“You’re right, no doctor in his right mind would come to help us… But what do I do?”

Ots'ehte thought for a few moments, before the camera zoomed in on his brain, showing an abundance of electricity. “Think, think, think… BRAIN BLAST!”

“Aw heck, now we need a neurosurgeon? Golly I hope they aint afraid of apples too!” Rufus said, his worried facade so real, it was almost like he was actually worried.

“I got an idea,” Mr. Centipede announced, “now that she’s sad, if you cheer her up, she’ll be sure to reward you with sex.” He nodded his centipede head and clapped his many, many sets of legs in self-congratulation.

Rufus didn’t look convinced, but that could just be a facade of not-convinced for all I know. “I don’t know, don’t you think she’ll be a little emotionally unstable and unable to trust anyone to be so intimate after being betrayed like that?”

“Nonsense,” Ots'ehte denied, “females cry all the time. It doesn’t mean anything… It’s just them trying to get attention. Look, you just have to walk up and give her like 20% of your attention capacity and her vagina is practically in the bag.”

“Last I checked, I don’t have a bag. What do I look like, Bilbo Baghands?” ((Live studio audience clapping and laughing in background)) He showed his hands to prove his point and, sure enough, they weren’t bags.

The centipede scurried out of his ear, down his tummy rumpler, and into his swimsuit area. He grabbed Rufus’ scrote, and stretched it up into his line-of-sight. “Perhaps not, but you do have a sack. But that’s besides the point as it was a figure of speech. What I’m saying is that this is your chance and- Watch it!”

Rufus, distractedly looking at his scrote as he was, wasn’t quick enough to react as the apple pegged him in the dangly bits with a resounding ‘thump’. He bit into his lip as pain molecules marched through his blood stream, a gout of fresh blood rolling down his chin from where his sharp teeth punctured as his eyes bulged out, growing an additional 10% larger in the process. That was definitely going to leave a bruise. Not just on his genitals, but also around his ocular bones, which were creaking under the force of his ever-expanding eyes.

“Damn, I wasn’t recording,” Ots'ehte sighed in disappointment as he pulled out a tiny phone, “do it again.”

Rufus would have had choice words for him, but at that very moment an additional apple jettisoned from Applejack’s tear duct and directly into his remaining unbruised nut. Rufus spat up a glob of coagulated blood from the pools of blood in his stomach before collapsing. By now, he had more pain molecules than blood in his body, and it showed as he turned a bright shade of blue.

Ots'ehte made entertained-centipede-noises.

“I’m adding that to my cringe compilation.” He declared before saving it to a folder titled ‘Ots'ehte’s Opus of Atrocities’. He then promptly slid his phone back into his pocket.

“I’m not a millennial so I’m putting my phone away because I’m not a slave to it,” he announced. Millennials always have their phone out because they’re brain dead. Speaking of brain dead, how are you? Just kidding I don't care.

"I want to kill you and eat you," Rufus grunted through grit teeth as he writhed on the floor in agony.

"Edgy," replied Ots'ehte,"but riddle me this, what is that horse's vagina without a magical centipede?"

"Tight, wet, and pointedly devoid of centipedes."

"Oh I hope it's not tight, I'd like to have some room to stretch my legs," the centipede admitted, "you'd better go console her, if you can give her a shoulder to cry on, you might be able to take advantage of her emotional vulnerability and steal her vagina."

Rufus hated to admit it, but Ots'ehte's emotional manipulation plan was better than anything he'd come up with in the last hour. So he swallowed his pride, and crawled toward Applejack, dodging apple after apple in the process.

"Psst, stop hitting me in the nuts with apples," Rufus whispered to Applejack from his spot on the floor beside her, the sultry tone of his voice cascading into both her earholes despite, or perhaps because of, the apples currently wedged within.

Applejack sniffled once and wiped the last remaining apple from her eye and tossed it to an empty corner of the room --this is important! Remember this-- before looking up at Rufus, her eyes red from apple juice. “Sorry ‘bout that. I plum recon I had an emotional response to outside stimuli or sumpin’.”

Rufus opened his mouth, about to tell her that he couldn’t care less, when he stopped. If he was going to follow up with Ost’ethe’s plan he’d need to start playing the part.

“I…could care less,” he amended, implying that he did indeed care somewhat. He paused a moment to think before continuing this sentiment. “Your continued emotional stability is to my advantage.”

Applejack flushed redder than an apple in Ju-ly, and averted her eyes awkwardly while kicking softly at the ground with one hoof, and flicking her ear at the air, and swishing her tail, and shaking her rump.

“Awful kind o' you ta say that. I’m glad I have a FRIEND like you during these hard times. I’d hate to be emotionally taken advantage of,” she finished with slow, heavy breaths, the musk of her sweat stench filling the room with her aroma.

Rufus stopped and rubbed his chin with a free hand, opting to take his time before responding. Ost’ethe moved up into his ear and morse-coded a message into his ear drums. “Ask her on a date.”

Rufus' face scrunched up like a tissue after I’ve finished cumming into it (you thought I wasn’t going to abuse that overused joke anymore? Lol, you fucking imbecile!)

“I’ve never been in that kind of relationship. I usually just have depraved sex before never seeing the target of my lust ever again,” he whispered to himself.

“Think of it as foreplay,” the centipede countered, “long boring foreplay that has about a 14% chance of meandering into something else given your charisma.”

“Never tell me the odds,” Rufus hissed, “I was there when the old odds were written, witch.”

With that declaration Rufus switched his suave self into seduction mode, licking his hand and using his saliva to slick back his hair like he was a twelve-year-old girl in the shower that I'm trying to pretend is a twelve-year-old boy. He now looked exactly as sexy as Spongebob in that episode where he dates an underage high-schooler despite being in or approaching his early thirties.

"I am genuinely interested in taking you to a location of your choosing and engaging in conversation with romantic undertones," he cooed, firing off a seductive one liner with the ferocity of a teenage rapper dissing someone's mom.

Applejack stammered and stuttered, eyes darting around the room as she blushed.

"Gawrsh!" She replied, "ah don't know about all that, ah'm just comin out of a bad relationship. In fact ah ain't even broken up with him yet. Aheyuck!"

Rufus panicked internally, keeping his cool on the outside as he wracked his brain for a proper response.

"Well uhhhh...you ever play…basketball?" he stammered.

"Huwat is a got danged basketball, is that anythang like that there hoofegg mah boyfriend dun played?"

Rufus couldn't understand a word of what she'd just said, but based on her intonation and the length of her statement, he assumed she was asking "no Rufus, you sexy thing, what is this 'bask-et-ball' you speak of?"

"It's a terribly boring sport where rich white people get to role play as slave owners, completely pointless too. Anyone who likes basketball has basically no life beyond watching tall people put balls in a basket."

"Sounds wretched."

"Oh like you wouldn't believe, it's just jog and shoot for three hours for ninety fucking games a year."

"Well that sounds a whole heck of a lot worse than hoofegg."

"Anyway, in basketball there's something called a 'rebound.' It's when a ball bounces off the basket and someone catches it. What I'm trying to get at is this: let's go find your soon-to-be ex, you can dump him, and I'll be your rebound."

Applejack scratched her chin like a cartoon character who is thinking, which is apt because she's a cartoon character who often thinks.

"In my current state of hormonal and emotional ruin, I am incapable of finding a flaw with that idea," Applejack replied.

Rufus merely chuckled and walked out the gaping hole that used to be a door, motioning for Applejack to follow as he went. He hadn't understood a word of her ghoulish drawl, but through context clues he was able to surmise one thing: tonight was date night.