The Only Mark That Matters

Barrel Roller knocked on the door of Radish’s quarters. He mumbled something resembling “Come in.” Barrel Roller came in. Radish had his head down on his desk.

“Root. You look like shit.”

“Forgive me, ma’am.”

“Everyone’s fine, Root. The princesses and AG1 are safe, and the changeling threat has almost been entirely eliminated.”

“Fan-freaking-tastic.”

She trotted up to his desk, picked up his coffee mug, and sniffed it.

“I don’t drink on the job, ma’am.”

“Yeah? You look like you just chugged a gallon of self-pity.”

“Are you here to give me a pep talk?”

“I don’t do that. No major in my guard should need cheering after all of Equestria was saved from Chrysalis.”

“No, ma’am.”

“Even if his arch-nemesis was the one who did the saving.”

“Of course not, ma’am.”

“Even if she’s getting a medal for it and he’s getting…”

She dumped a stack of papers in his inbox.

“…more work.”

He looked at them. The top form was an order to begin bucking dagger training.

“Ma’am?”

“It’s been a while since you’ve trained on a new weapon. You wanna protect princesses? You wanna be the one who saves Equestria for once? Go learn how to buck a dagger. It’s fun.”

“Aye, ma’am.”

“Just don’t put Glimmer’s face on the practice target. That’s a bad look for the Guard.”

“Ma’am, you think I’m that petty?”

“Root, Glimmer is officially a High-Value Asset now. You may be asked to guard her life with your own someday. Are you prepared to deal with that?”

“I’ll do my duty.”

“No. Let me hear a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’.”

“Yes, I’ll be prepared to deal with that.”

“Uh huh.”

Thunk. Thunk. Clang.

A bucking dagger is a short blade with an even shorter, flat-bottomed hilt. A well-trained guard could toss one in the air and kick it, sending it square in a target. Better-trained guards could toss multiple in the air and buck each one at a different enemy. Radish wasn’t that well-trained yet.

“Don’t focus on the dagger in front of you. Focus on target beyond it,” his instructor said.

Radish stared at the bullseye down the range. He bucked a dagger at it. It hit just below the outer circle.

“If that was a pony, you’d have gone right between their legs,” the instructor said.

“Well, that’s pretty intimidating for a stallion.”

“But you’re not picturing a stallion, are you?”

Radish bucked another dagger. It hit right above the outer circle.

“Oh, you got her horn.”

Radish sighed.

Luna found Radish as he was exiting the training shower room.

“Luna! I’m glad to see you’re all right.”

“Thank you, Radish. I foolishly let my guard down. But I take comfort in the fact that everypony else did, as well. We were all fools together.”

“I’m sorry. It’s the Guard’s duty to keep you safe. We failed. I failed you.”

“Do not punish yourself. I was snatched away in my private courtyard garden. Guards are not permitted inside while I’m gardening.”

“Princess, I…” Radish caught himself from finishing.

“What is it?”

He had to finish it. He had to know.

“Why didn’t you want my help!?”

“Your help?”

“You called out for Glimmer’s help through the dream world! Why didn’t you call me instead? Aren’t I your Champion? I would have dropped everything and come for you! I would have taken on the entire changeling hive!”

Luna closed her eyes and sighed.

“Radish, I couldn’t reach you. Nightmares are much easier for me to enter than pleasant dreams. Pleasant dreams resist intrusion- nightmares welcome intervention. In my weakened state, Starlight was my only option. She was having a deeply disturbing nightmare, while you… you were having very pleasant dreams.”

Radish felt an icicle stab into his heart.

“I was… I…”

“I know. You were having very pleasant dreams of murdering Starlight in the most brutal ways imaginable.”

“Because she’s a monster!”

Luna looked saddened. She drew her wings around Radish and hugged him.

“Your dreams are your own to dream. I do not judge you for them.”

“If I could have a nightmare every night so you could always reach me, I would.”

“Radish… do not wish for nightmares. They will find you readily enough.”

“Losing my princesses is the worst nightmare.”

“Then you have Starlight Glimmer to thank for ending that nightmare.”

Radish broke the hug and stepped back.

“No.”

“Radish, up until now, being my Champion was an easy task, because it did not require a conflict between your duties and your desires. Now, to be my Champion you must resolve this conflict- within yourself and with Starlight Glimmer.”

Radish looked down.

“She hurt Light. She was never punished for it.”

“I know. She never will be. There is nothing to be done.”

“Then maybe I’m not qualified to be your Champion anymore.”

Luna closed her eyes, looking pained.

“That is not a title you may set aside. I deem who is my Champion and who is not.”

“Luna…”

“I take my leave. Good day, major.”

Radish saluted her. She returned it and left.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

Three bucking daggers hit the side of a practice dummy.

“Good grouping,” said the instructor. “I think you should move up to the heavier ones. Really put that earth pony strength into it.”

Radish picked up a heavier dagger. He tossed it into the air and bucked it. It cut the practice dummy in half, and both halves clattered to the floor, spilling the daggers already stuck in them. Radish smiled.

“Now, the next technique is to make contact with the dagger so that bucking it is silent. She won’t hear you fling it at her.”

“There is no ‘she’.”

“Everyone who comes into the practice range has a ‘she’ or a ‘he’. For some, it’s Chrysalis, or Discord, or Tirek. For some, it’s a grade school teacher, or an overbearing mother, or a sarcastic officer.”

The instructor brought out a new practice dummy, and set it a long distance down the range with the head facing Radish. Radish selected a heavy dagger. He bucked it at the dummy, but the dagger went wide and missed.

“Oh. Now she’ll get a spell off at you. Probably turn you into a toad.”

Radish bucked another. It stuck into the floor in front of the dummy.

“Now she’s really mad. She’s going to take it out on Light Fantastic.”

Radish bucked another. It nicked the dummy’s front hoof.

“Oh, by the way, I heard you were invited to Glimmer’s medal ceremony. Have you picked out a gift yet?”

Radish bucked another. It struck the dummy in the face, puncturing through the head and passing through the dummy’s haunches.

“How’s that feel?”

Radish watched a piece of stuffing fall out of the dummy’s face onto the floor.

“Show me that silent technique.”

Saguaro Shade reviewed field reports at his desk. There was a knock at the door.

“Come in.”

Princess Celestia entered his office and closed the door behind her.

“Your highness. What can I do you for?”

“Commander, regarding the medal ceremony in Ponyville...”

“Would you like more guards?”

“In a way. One guard in particular was invited as a guest… and quickly responded in the negative.”

“Ma’am?”

“Don’t play games, Saguaro. This is a perfect opportunity for Radish and Starlight to bury the hatchet. He should be going.”

“Oh, Root? He’s already informed me he’s using his vacation days during that date. I had no reason to deny him leave.”

“He respects you. You could have firmly encouraged him to go and make peace.”

“I wouldn’t do that to him. I like the kid.”

“You think I don’t?”

“You want him to attend a party in honor of the mare who chained his fiancee up in an attic.”

“Yes.”

“Well, he’s not. He’s going to Clopacabana to relax with his gal, like he should.”

Celestia sighed.

“Very well. There’s nothing to be done. But, commander- I’d hate to think the ponies in my life were drawing lines and picking sides between Radish and Starlight.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that around here, ma’am.”

“Thank you, commander.”

She turned to leave, then caught his meaning. She glared at him.

“Because there’s not a single pony in this palace that would side with Starlight over Radish?”

He shrugged.

“Not even the senators would split on that issue. Everyone’s got a soft spot for Root.”

“That’s a lot of social capital for one major to wield in my court.”

“The kid has won a lot of friends. So why are you pushing so hard for Glimmer to be the next?”

“Commander, everything that’s happened recently has only expanded and deepened the mystery of Radish’s cutie mark. It may actually have world-changing significance. Starlight has obsessed over cutie marks more than any other pony in history, and she has unique magic skills. She may be the only pony able to crack the case.”

“Is that why you didn’t fight Twilight over her pardon? You wanna use her to figure out what Root is?”

“Employ her, to solve the biggest mystery of his life.”

“This is an awkward do-si-do you’re callin’. The partners won’t be thrilled to learn the fiddler they’re dancin’ to.”

“If that’s your way of calling me a cold, manipulative chess master…”

“I’d never.”

“…I invited Radish to the ceremony so he, Starlight, and I could all sit down and talk this matter out like adults.”

“Well, he’ll be back next week. Maybe he’ll be more amenable to conversation with his arch-nemesis after he’s had time in the tropics.”

“I hope so. And I hope Starlight won’t be disappointed at his absence.”

Twilight Sparkle knocked on the door of Starlight Glimmer’s room.

“Come in!” called Starlight, relaxing with a novel. Twilight entered.

“Starlight, I have bad news about your medal ceremony.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m afraid Radish isn’t coming.”

Starlight chuckled. “He's still harboring a grudge, huh? He does know that I saved Equestria, right?”

“Yes, Starlight.”

“And that I saved the princess he’s so in love with, right?”

“He’s not… that’s not the point.”

“Well, I’m sure he’ll come around. Or, can’t you just order him to forgive me?”

“That’s not how it works, Starlight.”

“I know, I know. Sounds like he could use some friendship lessons, huh? Maybe he could be my pupil.”

“Let’s table this, okay? I have some things to get ready.”

“Okay, see you in a bit.”

Radish Root lay back on a beach towel with sunglasses on. The sand under him was warm and the breeze was cool. A tern squawked overhead. Light Fantastic lay next to him.

“You look happy,” she said.

“I’m on a tropical vacation with my fiancée. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Heh, all my friends would tell me this is the ultimate cliché. They’d tell me to spend my vacation someplace foggy and mysterious, like a real artist should.”

“Yeah, they can criticize if they ever get engaged.”

“Hey, not everypony can stumble upon the love of their life in a coffee bar.”

“Aww.”

Radish took a sip from his margarita. He lay back, suppressing a chuckle. Light tipped down her sunglasses.

“Seriously, what’s so funny?”

“Okay, Twi, party cleanup is complete!” said Pinkie Pie, signing off on a clipboard and giving a carbon copy to Twilight.

“Thanks, Pinkie Pie. It was a great party.”

“No problem! And don’t you worry- I’ve got a ton of new ideas for the medal ceremony the next time Starlight saves Equestria!”

“Oh, I doubt this will be a recurring thing,” said Starlight.

“Ha! That’s what we all thought,” giggled Pinkie Pie. She put her back against her party-cleaning-up device and wheeled it out of the Castle of Friendship’s ballroom, narrowly avoiding Celestia on the way out.

“Well, girls, Luna and I should get going,” Celestia said.

“Thank you for coming, princess. And thank you for the advice,” Twilight said warmly.

Spike entered the ballroom with packages in his claws.

“Hey, look what the mailmare dropped off! Gifts from Radish, straight from Clopacabana! There’s one for me and one for you, Starlight!”

Spike opened a box addressed to him. Inside was a large bottle of dragon fruit juice.

“All right! You can’t get this stuff here!”

He popped off the cap and chugged.

“Spike,” said Twilight. “Don’t drink it all at once. You know that stuff goes right through you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

He walked off, drinking.

“Let’s see what he got me,” said Starlight.

She used her aura to unwrap the box, folding the wrapping and setting it aside. She opened the box and pulled out a neon yellow T-shirt with “Greetings from Clopacabana” printed under a stock image of a sailboat.

“What, did he just pick out the first thing he saw at his hotel gift shop?” Starlight scoffed.

“Now, Starlight. It’s the thought that counts,” admonished Twilight. “This could be an important first step toward you two reconciling. You know how to write thank-you notes, right?”

Celestia noticed a small note in the box. She pulled it out and read it.

“Dear Starlight Glimmer. Enjoy your big day. Hope you make a splash. Sincerely, Maj. Radish Root.”

Starlight tried the shirt on. Something struck Celestia’s nostrils, then her memory. She took a few steps back, worried.

“Well, it’s a good fit, at least. Funny smell, though. Do you think it’s my color?”

“Starlight, dear, you should always wash a new garment before wearing it,” Celestia advised.

“Oh, right. I don’t wear clothes much. Speaking of which, have you seen-”

A loud buzzing noise filled the air. A massive swarm of yellow-and-black striped insects burst through the doors and descended at Starlight.

“What the heck!?”

She threw a shield around herself, Twilight, and Celestia. The swarm blanketed it, blotting out their view in all directions.

“Why are bees attacking us!?” Starlight yelled. “Discord!”

Celestia looked at the swarm.

“I don’t think this is Discord’s doing, dear.”

“Princess, do you know what’s going on?” asked Twilight in a panic.

Celestia looked down at the T-shirt, prompting Starlight and Twilight to do the same.

“Root did this!” cried Starlight. “He laced the shirt with bee pheromones or something! That’s what the smell is!”

She pulled the shirt off, threw it at her feet, and disintegrated it. The insects still piled against the forcefield.

“Why won’t they leave?” she cried.

“The scent is soaked into your fur!” said Twilight.

“Then what do I do?”

“Starlight… I believe he gave you the answer,” said Celestia. “Make a splash.”

“You have to wash the pheromones off!” cried Twilight.

Starlight teleported away. The swarm left Twilight and Celestia and buzzed out of the room on her trail.

“Princess, I don’t-”

Starlight reappeared and put the shield back up. The swarm returned.

“Spike was in the bathroom! What now!?”

“Uh… the river is nearby!” said Twilight.

“That vindictive asshole! He plotted all this!”

She teleported out of the room, taking the shield with her. The swarm reacquired her scent and flew out the window in chase. Twilight stammered.

“I… I can’t believe he would try to murder Starlight with bees! I don’t know what to do! Princess… he’s lost himself to revenge. What if he’s too far gone to save? What if we have to put him in Tartarus?”

Celestia held up her hoof. A Windy Mountain horsefly was trying to chew it.

“They’re… harmless?” said Twilight. “So… this was just a good-natured prank! Right? Please tell me this was good-natured.”

“That’s an… optimistic interpretation, dear.”

“Princess, I’ve never had two friends with such serious issues between them. What if their differences are irreconcilable? What if I have to choose between one or the other?”

Starlight reappeared in the room, dripping wet and shivering. Her hooves were muddy. She shook a frog out of her mane, which hopped away.

“I want Root arrested!” she howled. “He tried to murder me!”

Celestia held up the horsefly. Starlight peered at it.

“Flies? What jackass sics flies on someone? You should fire him!”

“I could punish him,” said Celestia. “But we’d need hard evidence.”

Starlight looked at the pile of ashes that was her T-shirt. She clicked her tongue.

“Princess, that guy is a better villain on his vacation than I was full-time. You should be worried about him.”

“Actually, Starlight, I am worried about him. That’s why I could use your help with him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’d like you to determine the meaning of his cutie mark.”

“What!?” Starlight cried. “Me?”

“His cutie mark?” Twilight said. “Princess, I thought everypony was past that.”

“Everypony but me, it seems. I’d pay you a researcher’s fee. Will you help, Starlight?”

“I... can try?”

“That’s all I ask.”

“Do you think he would stop sending bugs my way if I found the answer?”

“It couldn’t hurt.”

Spike reentered the room.

“Hey, whoever was banging on the bathroom door, I’m done in there. Whoa, what happened in here?”