The Only Mark That Matters

Radish Root and Barrel Roller stared at each other across her desk. They were both reluctant to get through this conversation.

“Root… there’s been an, uh, development.”

“I know. Spike sent me a heads-up. Glimmer’s coming to the palace. For a Friendship Mission,” Radish tried to keep his tone neutral, and failed.

“Yeah, the kid smoked me a heads-up, too. She’ll be in the throne room by nine.”

“I will… acquit myself in a professional manner, as befitting of the Royal Guard,” Radish said laboriously.

“I know, but you won’t do it here. There’s a shipment of starcium going down south to Hooveston. You’re going to escort it.”

“Ma’am, if I left the palace every time someone I didn’t like visited, I’d be a pretty lousy guard.”

“If you ignored my orders to protect a highly valuable and extremely dangerous mineral shipment, you’d be a pretty fired guard.”

“I understand, ma’am. Thank you.”

“Oh, and see Chuck. This stuff is important. There’s one suit of Elite armor currently in the palace, and I want you kitted out in it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. No half-measures with starcium.”

Elite armor was made of a proprietary magic-resistant alloy and painted cerulean. It had no aesthetic visual flairs, giving a guard a severe, mechanical appearance. The areas of the body normally left exposed by standard armor- the underbelly, neck, and upper legs- were covered by chain mail of the same alloy. The helmet had a flip-down shatter-resistant visor.

The boots were knee-high. The front left boot had a retractable buckler, and the front right boot had a hidden blade in the sole. The rear two boots were given extra weight and crenulated soles for more powerful bucking.

Elite guards carried more advanced versions of the standard spear and sword. Weights would be added to Radish’s tail as an extra blunt weapon, and bucking daggers would be clipped into his mane.

Most Equestrians would never see an Elite guard in their lifetime. Elite guards did not interact with tourists. They did not watch over galas. Elites were the ponies who made sure royal interests in the kingdom were taken care of efficiently, quietly, and decidedly. While the palace’s best of the best stood sentry next to the thrones, Elites made sure no dangers approached the thrones for miles around. Radish had never dreamed he would get to be clad in Elite armor.

“Root… are you crying?”

“No, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. I’m just so happy.”

“Sheesh, Root. Let it all out before you put on the gear, okay?”

Radish Root stared at himself in a mirror at the Royal Quartermaster’s while Chuck adjusted the fit of his Elite armor.

“How’s it feel?” asked Chuck.

“Powerful.”

“This iteration has a couple of new features. The side of your left boot has a garrote wire hidden inside it. The right one has a flint striker in case you need to light a fire.”

“Is that safe around starcium?”

“Starcium can only be detonated by magic. As an ore, it needed a powerful spell to set it off. The refined ingots you’ll be carrying have a lower tolerance, but it’ll still take a concentrated amount of magic to prime them, and they’ll be in a shielded container. It loses its potency and malleability a few days after refining, so they have to start shaping it quickly.”

“Why don’t we ship it unrefined? It would be safer.”

“Before Chrysalis filled the mountain with it, starcium was so rare, no one bothered setting up facilities to refine it. Only the royal alchemists have the equipment and talent.”

“Okay. I’ll guard the stuff with my life, I promise.”

“Oh yeah, this will help you do that,” Chuck said.

He affixed a square green tag to Radish’s chestplate.

“If the starcium gets primed by magic somehow- and please do everything in your power to prevent that- this indicator will turn red, get hot, vibrate, squeak, and release a foul smell. So you’ll be alerted by at least one of those, hopefully. When it turns black, you’ve got about thirty seconds before detonation.”

“What do I do if that happens?”

“Gallop away from the starcium as fast as you can. Put some mountains between you and it. The explosion will be immense. Not even Elite armor will save you.”

“Thanks, Chuck. It won’t come to that.”

Radish pulled out the garrote wire and examined it.

“Thinking about getting that around Glimmer’s neck?” Chuck asked.

“Hey, she’s reformed,” Radish guffawed, letting the wire retract. “She’s a big hero.”

“Yeah in a pig’s eye,” snorted Chuck.

“Well, in Twilight Sparkle’s eye, at least,” laughed Radish. He tapped his hoof, and the wide blade in its sole popped out. He admired it. “Thanks for the kit, Chuck. I’ll bring it back clean.”

“Ever been to Hooveston before?”

“No. Do you know what the starcium is going to be used for there?”

“Probably a lot of things. They have a big medical center, royal research labs, a huge seaport and an airship port. Starcium is useful to all those.”

“I wonder if Chrysalis knows how much her little alchemy bomb has enriched our lives.”

“I hope she does. Good luck out there.”

“What the worst that could…” Radish started, before pausing.

“Yeah, better not jinx it.”

“No, let’s jinx it,” said Radish. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Radish signed his name to a clipboard, taking responsibility for the starcium from the palace’s supply depot. Four refined ingots were foam-packed into a magic-resistant case, which was cuffed to his foreleg and clipped to his side. He turned to see Celestia watching him.

“Major Root, I almost didn’t recognize you. That armor suits you well.”

“Thank you, your majesty. I feel like I could protect you from the whole world with this on.”

“Ah, that’s sweet. Though I can’t help but notice the timing of this mission.”

“Oh?”

“Radish, you can’t avoid Starlight Glimmer forever. I now consider her a friend. She saved my life. We all owe her a debt of gratitude.”

“I didn’t choose this mission. And to refuse orders would be insubordinate and unprofessional.”

“She’s just settled in. Won’t you at least go see her?”

“The train leaves in ten, ma’am. And this can’t be carried through the palace,” he said, nodding back to the case of starcium.

“Perhaps I could pull a few strings, see if your captain will assign somepony else. Then you and Starlight could have a nice long chat and clear the air.”

“That would be lovely. I can message the Hooveston medical center and tell them to wait longer for the shipment while we re-plan its escort. Oh wait, isn’t this stuff time-sensitive?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow.

“Major, that armor suits you. Sarcasm does not.”

“Forgive me, ma’am. I have forgotten my place.”

“Sometimes I miss the days when you were simply fawning over me.”

“That was unprofessional too, ma’am.”

“Quite right. Major, has it occurred to you or your captain that this Friendship Mission is actually about you? The map may have sent Starlight here to make amends.”

“Perhaps. But I was trained to obey my captain, not Twilight Sparkle’s poker table.”

“Radish, you are being a real pill today.”

“Ma’am, what are my orders?”

“You may go on this mission. Just know that you’ll have to deal with Starlight at some point.”

“At some point,” Radish said, gazing down at his boot and thinking about the point of the blade inside.

“Is that a new model of boot?”

“Yes. Check it out.”

He struck his hooves together to make a shower of sparks from the flint striker.

“That’s… useful. What’s that on the side?”

Radish showed her the garrote wire.

“Radish… please don’t strangle Starlight with that.”

“Really now, your highness. The very thought!”

Radish Root sat in a private car of a royal express train with the steel case at his side. He kept on alert, refusing to let his attention waver for a second.

Nothing’s going to distract me from this. Not Glimmer, not Celestia, not a kingdom’s worth of villains, monsters, or criminals.

Pinkie Pie backed into the car, balancing a long glass bottle of cola on her nose. She turned around, saw Radish, and startled back with a yelp. The bottle dropped to the floor and rolled up to Radish’s seat. He stared at it.

“Oh! Hi there!” she said.

“Son of a bitch.”

“Hey!” she shouted. “There could be kids listening.”

“Sorry.”

“That’s okay, mister.”

“Pinkie, it’s me,” said Radish, tilting his chin up so she could see his face better.

“Oh… hello there, old buddy, old pal.”

“What are you doing on a royal cargo train?”

“I really, really needed to get to Hooveston super-fast today! I went to Canterlot to buy this rare kind of spatula, but they were all sold out. But the nice clerk told me about a sale at a restaurant supply store in downtown Hooveston! I heard some guards say this train was going there, so I asked if I could use it, and they let me on! Oh, and I got soda from the dining car! Want one?”

“So, Celestia didn’t put you on this train?”

“No. Why would she do that?”

“To teach me a lesson?”

“Why would me being on this train teach you a lesson?”

“I won’t know that until I’ve learned whatever the lesson is.”

“Oh.”

An ear-splitting noise rang out. Radish looked at his starcium indicator badge in a panic, but saw it was at its normal green. He looked to Pinkie Pie, who was digging through one of her saddle bags. The noise stopped.

“Sorry! That was a… cricket that got stuck in my bag! I’ll go let it free!”

She retrieved her soda and started to walk away.

“Hey, wait a minute,” said Radish, realizing something.

Pinkie Pie stopped mid-stride, and turned to him, worriedly.

“There’s no dining car on this train.”

“Uh… I mean… I got the soda from… the castle in Canterlot!”

“I’ve never seen that brand in the palace. Let me see it.”

“Uh…”

She quickly popped the cap and gulped the soda down.

“Sorry! All gone!”

She burped.

“Okay, let me see the bottle.”

“No… I have to uh, recycle it!”

She put the bottle in her mouth and galloped away. Radish pulled a cord above his head. Another guard in standard armor entered the train.

“Lieutenant, Pinkie Pie is on this train. Could you keep an eye on her? She’s acting strange.”

The lieutenant raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, even for Pinkie Pie,” Radish sighed.

“Yes, sir.”

Radish picked up the fallen bottle cap.

“Lieutenant, have you ever seen this brand before?”

“Wow!”

“‘Wow’?”

“No, sir, I haven’t. This must be regional, or even foreign! I’ve never seen some of these symbols, or these fonts, before. And look! It has twenty-one teeth instead of the standard twenty-four!”

He felt the weight of it in his hoof.

“And this steel- so light! I wonder what the process is. I don’t recognize the paint or its application method either.”

“An enthusiast, are you?”

“I’ve collected them since I was a kid.”

“What’s your best guess where it came from?”

“Califoalnia? Things get pretty alternative there.”

“Never been. Is that a place that Pinkie Pie would like?”

“Oh, definitely. There are theme parks, movie studios, and beaches as far as the eye can see. And parties where mood-heightening substances flow freely.”

“I see. Keep the cap. And then keep an eye on Pie.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

The lieutenant was unable to locate Pinkie Pie for the rest of the train ride, and Radish didn’t see her get off as he exited the train at Royal Supply Depot. He signed the forms relinquishing responsibility for the starcium, then uncuffed himself from the case and gave it to the Freightmaster. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, major. We’ll handle it from here. Sorry the next royal train back north won’t be for a while.

“No problem. I don’t need to get back any time soon.”

“But isn’t Starlight Glimmer in the palace? Shouldn’t our Elites be there to protect the princesses from her?”

“What, you think an unhinged cult leader, brainwasher, terrorist, mutilator, thief, and kidnapper presents some kind of danger to the princesses? I dunno, I think I would have gotten some warning if that were the case.”

“Major, the princesses aren’t all-knowing. It’s up to the Guard to be there for them in case their decisions… don’t pan out. Whether they appreciate us or not.”

“Well, I could always blow up this depot. Then Princess Celestia would be sure to appreciate me.”

“Please don’t, sir.”

“By the way, has Pinkie Pie come through here?”

“Haven’t seen her. Why?”

“No reason. But I need to access your archives. There’s something I wanted to check.”

Radish dug through the depot’s archives of classified notices. He found the memo he was looking for. It described an event that Twilight had once written about to him in rather curt detail, as if she preferred not to elaborate on what happened. The royal version of events, however, was cobbled together from numerous eyewitness accounts of that day.

Pinkie Pie had somehow used a magic underground pond to duplicate herself. Soon the duplicates were duplicating themselves, resulting in a mob of Pinkies Pie running amok all over Ponyville. Twilight had claimed she reversed the spell and sent all the duplicates home, the wording of which never quite sat well with Radish. His attempts to learn more were met with stonewalling from Twilight.

Twilight was adamant that the remaining Pinkie Pie was the genuine article, and that there were no more duplicates running loose. Barrel Roller had said the pond itself would be sealed and put under surreptitious surveillance. The palace had put out a general notice to outposts, however, informing them of the possibility of encountering an impostor of the Elements of Laughter, and to always verify Pinkie Pie’s identity, beyond the standard anti-Changeling screening, in the case she was asking for access to sensitive information or facilities.

Radish wondered if whoever let Pinkie Pie onto a train with starcium had ever seen that notice. He wondered if anypony in Equestria remembered to check anymore.

A cadet knocked on the office door.

“Sir, the depot chief wanted me to tell you that he did end up seeing Pinkie Pie. A security bull found her in the mare’s room on the train.”

“And let her go?”

“Yes, sir. The Elements are allowed to use royal trains. And their bathrooms. She’s waiting for a cab outside now.”

“Thank you, cadet.”

Radish reached the outside just as Pinkie Pie climbed into a cab. It peeled into traffic, then stopped. Radish stood watching. Traffic in Hooveston didn’t move very far or very fast- it would have been faster for her to walk to wherever she was going.

She must have realized this, and threw the cab puller a coin, then got out and galloped down the sidewalk. Radish let her go a distance, then followed her.

Radish had a lot of training and experience tracking a creature through the wilds. He had almost none tracking a pony through a city. His Elite armor was also making him very conspicuous, though not as conspicuous as Pinkie Pie now was.

She was getting frustrated pushing through the sidewalk crowds, calling out “‘scuse me!”, “Pardon me!”, “Gang way!”, and “Move it, willya!” as she fought the tide of pedestrians. Radish had this advantage, as even the rudest city ponies stepped aside for an Elite.

After several blocks of this, Pinkie Pie made it downtown, to a street full of wholesalers. She entered a building. Radish read its sign. She was indeed going to a restaurant supply store. Radish followed her in.

He caught sight of her tail bounding down an aisle. He went one aisle over and peeked through the shelves. She was now fighting a mob clamoring over racks of spatulas. She managed to leap and grab one off the topmost peg. She cheered to herself and put it in her basket. Radish narrowed his eyes.

She wended her way through more aisles. Then, as she was rounding an endcap, Radish heard another high-pitched noise. She dove into her saddlebag again, and the noise stopped. Radish narrowed his eyes.

Pinkie Pie trotted out of the restaurant wholesaler with her saddlebags laden with newly-purchased goods. She rounded a corner and bumped into Radish.

“Oh! Pinkie Pie! I’m glad I saw you again.”

“Oh, hi…”

“I’m sorry if I scared you on the train. I have to take guard work really seriously. Everyone’s a suspect, even a friend.”

“I understand. Uh… thank you for your service!”

“No prob. Well, I’ll let you go.”

“Okay. See you around.”

She took off down the sidewalk.

“By the way,” called Radish, “how’s Sunset Shimmer doing these days?”

“Great! She just got her driver’s license, and drove us all to the… oh. Heh.”

“Let’s talk."