The Long And Short Of It

Nocturnal Pike was awake earlier than she was used to. But she was taking no chances today. She’d gotten up bright and early at 9 am, fully intent on making sure she was on time! Which, in hindsight, was a little excessive. It was now 11 AM, and as things stood, Pike was just sort of waiting around until it was time to leave. Which she had been for the last hour.

She wasn’t a stallion after all; it didn’t take her that long to get ready.

It wasn’t like she was going somewhere that required excessive preparation, either; it was just Burger Princess. The thought of excessive preparation made Pike smile as she imagined what Anon must’ve been doing to prepare for their date. Sifting through his closet for the perfect outfit, spraying himself down with cologne, desperately trying to perfect his mane...

‘Wait.’

Actually, on second thought, were it any other stallion, that would probably be true. But Anon?

Nah.

Honestly... he was probably doing the exact same things she’d done. Now that was an idea that made her chuckle. A stallion that didn’t take no less than an hour to get ready? That was something she wished she could see with her own eyes.

In fact, if she concentrated hard enough, she felt like she could almost see what he was doing...

He was in the zone.

‘Easy does it…’

‘Steady…’

‘Steady…’

‘Annnnnnnnnnnnd…’

Snap

“Hey! Was that a camera!?”

‘Score!’

Anonymous the unicorn deactivated his magical hands and allowed the camera he was holding to fall right back into his saddlebags. It was a technique he’d mastered for grabbing stealthy shots when holding the camera with his hooves wasn’t really an option. Like, for example, when the subjects he was trying to photograph were on the other side of a massive wall that they would've immediately noticed him climbing.

Like they were in this case.

“Find that photographer and get her!”

Oops, and by the sound of things, his unwitting subjects were mad as hell. He was only just outside the property on a public path, so it wouldn’t take long for the bodyguards to arrive.

Time for the getaway!

Having long since realized that the best way to escape was not, in fact, to immediately start running, he instead readied his act. Step one, wait until he could hear that the guards were close—like they were now!

Then, step two:

“AAAAAAAGH!”

Anonymous threw himself to the ground as hard as he could. The two guards, having heard the cry and gotten close enough to see him lying on the ground, came rushing over. They quickly closed the distance to to where he was lying, their faces filled with what was probably genuine concern as they stood over him.

“Sweet Celestia, are you okay, sir?”

‘Now for the killing blow! Step three: put on your weepiest face!’

“Ow, y-yes I think.” He sniffled. “Some, crazy mare with a camera just bowled me over!”

“A crazy mare?”

“With a camera?”

The two mares shared a look, undoubtedly thinking they’d just hit the jackpot.

”Don’t worry sir, we’re after that mare right now. Did you happen to see where she went after she hit you?”

“I think,” he began, pointing his hoof in the opposite direction he was going. “That way!”

The two of them gave him reassuring smiles, and the one on the left spoke up. ”Thank you so much sir, would you like my partner to stay with you, or do you think you’ll be alright?”

Anon gave another fake sniffle. “N-no I think I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

At that, the guards shared a wordless look and took off in the direction he’d pointed.

‘Ha! Suckers.’

He had no doubt they’d be chasing that “lead” for a while. There was no reason that sexism couldn’t work to his advantage! Not once had they ever suspected the “poor injured stallion” was actually the one they were looking for. No matter how many times he’d done it, no matter where it was, they always fell for it.

They probably always would.

Seeing that he was now out of danger, Anon stood up, brushed himself off, and pulled open his saddlebag to retrieve his camera. And it looked like it had already spit out the photo while it was safely packed away. Thankfully, it worked just like those old Polaroids from back home. Now, all he had to do was shake the photo and he’d see if he got what he needed.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaand…’

‘YES!’

Upper Crust, one of Equestria’s noblemares, mid meeting with the griffon delegation!

It appeared his sources were spot on, once again. It was odd that they’d given him such consistently great information, considering all he paid them in was pictures of his hooves. But he was certainly not complaining; without them, he’d never find scoops like this!

Photographic evidence that Upper Crust, owner of one of the largest foundries in Equestria, was having clandestine meetings with the leaders of the currently trade embargoed Griffon Kingdom? That would be big news if it wasn’t about to be published under ‘gossip!’

Oh well; at least that was the same reason no one ever comes after him for stories like that.

Stashing the photo back in his bag, Anon picked up the pace back to his place. With his work accomplished for the day, he had a commitment to keep, and an errand to run.

Several hours later, Anonymous was finally underway. Thankfully, it was easy to find the place that Pike had picked: 'Burger Princess,' supposedly the best fast-food joint in Canterlot. Anon knew that ponies were vegetarian, and that they would never serve REAL burgers, so he'd been going out of his way to avoid it. But when Pike asked if he'd wanted to go, he figured it was high time to at least give it a try. After all, it wasn't like it could hurt him.

Unlike the ground chicken he’d bought from that griffon. Now that had fucking hurt him.

He internally cringed at the memory of the day he’d spent vomiting into a toilet. That was how he’d learned he needed to rethink his entire diet. In spite of it all, however, he’d so far avoided eating hay on principle. He was alright with flowers, but hay is for horses, dammit!

But as Anon approached Burger Princess’ “Home of the Celestial Hayburger” sign, he feared his abstinence was about to come to an end.

‘Hey look, right under that sign, it’s Pike!’

‘Awwww and she’s doing a little dance with her hooves!’

‘Now that’s cute.’

Nocturnal Pike was certainly not so nervous that she was trotting in place.

Nope.

Absolutely not.

Besides, what did she even have to be nervous about? It wasn’t like this was her first actual date in years or anything. And it wasn’t like getting there a full hour too early had allowed her imagination to dream up all kinds of horrible scenarios or anything. After all, there was no way in Tartarus Anonymous would stand her up.

Nu uh.

No way.

”Hey Pike!”

‘Oh thank Luna, there he is!’

Nocturnal Pike beamed brightly and waved at the approaching stallion.

Waving back, he called out to her. "That was a cute little dance you were doing!”

‘OhNoHeSawMyNevousTrot’

“Hey! It’s not cute!”

Nocturnal Pike was sporting the biggest pout that Anonymous had ever seen, so, fittingly, he responded with a big, cheshire grin. “If you say so.”

Pike huffed. “I just had Songbird’s newest song stuck in my head is all.”

Anon was, admittedly, still pretty rough on pony body language, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t the kind of dance someone did to a tune. But he let it rest for now; a man’s gotta save some ribbing material for later.

“Alright, alright. Let’s go get ourselves some grub.”

Pike’s pout vanished at that, and she gestured for him to follow with her wing. As the two of them walked in the establishment’s front door, something immediately took the unicorn by surprise.

‘It... actually smells great!’

It was a strangely delicious combination of sweet, deep-fried goodness, and something else he couldn’t quite place.

Speaking of places, Anon took a look around at the interior of the one he was in. It was clearly of a higher quality than what he’d expected from a place whose name was seemingly analogous to “Burger King.” The decor was more in line with a nice restaurant than a fast food chain. From the look of things, they were meant to order at the counter, and then they’d bring it to their table. And whoops, while he was busy gawking, Pike had already walked up to the counter.

‘Better get over there, slowpoke!’

Pike quickly made her order. ”I’ll take a number two with extra daybreak sauce, and a side of princess fries.”

As the unicorn cashier turned her attention to Anonymous, he was surprised to see far more, seemingly genuine cheer than he’d ever seen out of a food service worker back home. ”Alright, and what can we get for you, sir?”

Turning his gaze upward from the cashier, he looked at the menu.

‘Hmmmmmmmm.’

The offerings were more or less what he’d expected. No meat in sight, just hay related products and other such things. But hey, at least they had onion rings!

And... a filet o’ fish?!

‘Score! Another day of putting off hay!’

Anon didn’t even know ponies could eat fish. But, it didn’t have one of those ‘carnivore options’ asterisks that he’d seen at places that serve griffons, so it was probably fine.

He hoped.

“I’ll have a double order of onion rings... and a filet o’ fish, please.”

The still smiling cashier piped up. “Sounds good! That brings your total up to... sixteen bits.”

As Anon turned his head to reach for the bits in his saddlebags, his and Pike’s eyes met. Clearly realizing what he was trying to do, her eyes narrowed.

‘I’m not letting a gi-mare pay for my food, dammit!’

With all the haste he could muster, Anon’s magic hands whipped open his saddlebags and—

“Here you go!”

‘Fuck.’

By the time Anon had grabbed his coin purse, Pike already had the bits ready in an outstretched wing. As she held said bits out, she looked him in the eyes and affixed him with the smuggest look he’d ever seen. “Gotcha.”

‘Curses! You win this round, Pike!’

“Ahem?” The sound of a clearing throat brought Anon’s attention back to the very confused cashier. As she took the bits with her magic, she handed Pike a receipt and a plastic number. “Thank you ma’am. Have a nice day!”

Pike didn’t even look at the unicorn at the register as she grabbed it, electing instead to continue staring at Anon with pure smug. “Thanks, you too.”

Finding a decent table, (one with especially high chairs) the two of them sat down and promptly began chatting. A task Pike took to with barely contained mirth. “Pffffft, hahahaha! I cannot believe you were going to try to pay for my food.”

In spite of everything, Anon managed to be both surprised and indignant. “Wha- Why not? A stallion always pays for his mare’s food!”

“Oh come on Anon, that’s not true and you know it!”

And she was right; he did know it.

But that didn’t mean he liked it!

Anon crossed his forelegs and huffed. “Hmph. Well, that’s how my dad raised me, so that’s how I am.”

That got another chuckle out of Pike. “Well, my mom told me that a mare should always pay for a stallion’s food, so it seems I’ll be paying as long as I can beat you to the draw.”

He grinned at that. “Keywords being: as long as you can beat me.”

Before she could reply, the unicorn from before arrived with their food.

As he unwrapped his sandwich, he was delighted to find that it smelled great. And, as he took his first bite, he discovered that it also tasted great! It didn’t take long before he was fully chowing down on his fried fish sandwich.

But as he did, he felt the distinct sensation of eyes on him.

Slightly adjusting his gaze, he saw that those eyes were Pike’s, and she was giving him a look he couldn’t quite place.

“What’s up?”

Turning away, Pike waved off with a hoof. “Eh, it’s nothing.”

It really was nothing worth mentioning.

It was just that, as Anon ate... there was something about it. For some reason, Nocturnal Pike couldn’t help but be reminded of the time those griffon diplomats had dinner with the princess, and she’d had to guard the dining room.

It was odd.

And speaking of odd...

“Isn’t fish typically a pegasus thing?”

Anon stopped mid-bite at that, and surprisingly, he looked shocked that she’d asked. “Uhhhh, what do you mean?”

Pike glanced down at his sandwich before turning her attention back to him. “I’ve just never seen a unicorn eat fish before.”

Which was no exaggeration. The only ponies she’d ever seen order and consume fish were pegasi, and even then it was usually only pegasi from the coast. Heck, she didn’t even know unicorns could even actually eat fish. But there Anon was, chowing down on a fillet.

“Oh, really? Huh, peo-uh, ponies ate it all the time back home. Guess I never really gave it much thought.”

‘Huh.’

Maybe he grew up in one of those very coastal towns? In fact, she probably ought to ask him. But sadly, before she could, he beat her to the punch.

”Say Pike, speaking of home, you’re also not a Canterlot native right? Where did you come from?”

“Baltimare,” she answered, smiling at the memories.

‘Ahhhhh, Baltimare.’

“I grew up on the north side, in a small Thestral neighborhood (Heh, neighborhood) with my dad, mom, and three herd moms.”

He looked surprised at that. But why? Sure, that was a little above average, but not by much. “...Four moms? Man, bet you had a lot of siblings, then.”

She grinned. ”Ha! I’d certainly call ten siblings ‘a lot!’”

At that, Anon’s eyes looked like they were about to jump out of his head. “TEN!?”

Puffing out her chest, Pike struck her best effort at a dignified posture. “Yes indeed, I’ll have you know, we Orthadox Lunarian thestrals pride ourselves on our large families.”

Even though he was obviously still reeling at the idea of that many siblings, that got a chuckle out of him. “Heh, no kidding. Wow, I can’t even imagine what that would be like.”

“It was only three brothers and seven sisters.”

Anon just chuckled. “Ha! ‘Only seven sisters.’”

She could hear the air-quotes in there. “Well how many did you have?”

“One!”

‘WHAT!?’

Now it was Pike’s turn to have her eyes bug out of her head. “One what!?”

Her reaction turned his chuckles into full out laughter.

“One sister!”

She almost couldn’t believe what she was hearing! “Where did you grow up, the Crystal Empire!?”

“Nnnnnnnnnnope! Hahahahaaaaa!” She thought she could see tears in his eyes, he was laughing so hard. “Oh man, the look on your face!”

Pike’s face scrunched up at that. “Yeah, cuz it’s weird, you weirdo!”

That just makes him laugh harder. “Ohhhhhh, oh lord, hahaaaa.”

Through the haze of his laughter, he reached out for another onion ring, only to realize they were all gone. In fact, both of them had long since finished their meals.

As Anon’s laughter faded away, he pointed toward the exit, and smiled. “Say... you ready to head out? I have a little something something we can do at my place. Just got it today, in fact.”

‘Oh my. Disregard those lewd thoughts, Pike!’

”Oh? What?”

He just smiled mischievously. “C’mon, I’ll show you when we get there.”