Pet for Debt

Dirk Elrod was a man with a plan. He’d known since high school that the nose-to-the-grindstone workforce wasn’t for him, no he was meant for something better. He was an entrepreneur, destined to grow his fortune from nothing, become a household name and live in comfort until he was old and wrinkly, then die quietly in his sleep surrounded by his loving family and legacy.

How, then, did it come to this?

It was a question he’d been asking himself for the last ten years.

He sat on the edge of his slowly collapsing couch looking at the pile of mail on the coffee table with his head in his hands. He’d only opened two pieces, but those two pieces were enough. Everything after them was moot.

He stood up and walked over to the small kitchen in his run-down studio and opened the fridge. An old bottle of ketchup he still kept by telling himself that ketchup didn’t really go bad, a jar of ~~pickles~~ pickle, a gallon of water, one egg, and four slices of individually wrapped cheese. Opening the narrow pantry next to it revealed a bag with three slices of economy bread and the eight packages of instant noodles he’d so shrewdly bought for just such an occasion.

I suppose we will see how long a human can survive on noodles and salt in the near future.

He grabbed the bread and pulled out a plate, grabbed some more supplies out of the fridge, and after the saddest assembly ever he sat back down on his couch with a gourmet Cheese & ‘Chup™ sandwich resting on the coffee table. He stared at it with disdain.

He stood back up with a huff and went to the kitchen once again, grabbing a large glass measuring cup and putting it under the faucet. He turned the knob on the left labeled ‘diet’ and a bright yellow fizzy liquid poured into the cup. He knew better than to trust the color, though, and brought it to his lips with a sniff and a sip.

“Ooh, black cherry, not a bad draw,” he noted.

He placed the measuring cup on the counter and squatted down until he was eye-level with the liquid, gauging the angle of its surface against the horizontal marks on the container with a practiced eye.

“Four degrees north-northwest today,” he murmured, jotting down the measurement on a legal pad below all the others before taking his refreshment and walking back to the couch.

He looked back down at the vile sandwich, now regretting not simply letting it remain a plain cheese sandwich. His taste buds could almost taste the sweet acidic sting of the bright red non-newtonian fluid dripping down the edge, and he took another swig of his drink in preparation.

Just when he was about psyched up enough to take a bite the doorbell to his apartment rang.

Dirk hung his head.

You see, his apartment didn’t have a doorbell, which meant only one thing: the reaper had come to collect.

“Come in,” he called with all the false enthusiasm he could muster, not that he could realistically prevent this particular person from entering anyway.

There was a muffled clatter from near the sink as his dishwasher opened itself from the inside, and from it crawled what might have been called a very strange creature — if the observer was feeling particularly charitable, that is. It stood up to its full height and leaned back to stretch its serpentine body with a groan, then turned to face the unimpressed human with a lop-sided grin.

“Ah, Dirk, how lovely to see my very favorite tenant on this fine day,” he said with a clap of his talon and paw.

“Yeah, yeah, we both know why you’re here Discord,” Dirk replied in resignation, “And me and Greg already figured out you say that to everyone here.”

“That doesn’t make it any less true,” the draconequus retorted, floating himself over to take a place on the couch next to him. Dirk shut his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Now, you know I’ve taken a liking to you and your particular brand of misfortune, else I would have had you out of here ages ago, but you made an agreement when you signed the lease and I expect it to be followed.”

That’s rich coming from you, Dirk thought to himself, but he held his tongue.

“I’ve tried, Discord, I am trying,” the man explained, trying to keep from sounding too pathetic.

“Oh, I know!” The nine-foot noodle exclaimed, “I quite liked your last investor pitch, by the way, especially the visual aid with the rubber ducks, very avant-garde.”

“Of course you were watching that,” he groaned in embarrassment.

“But talent doesn’t always pay the bills, my good fellow,” Discord sighed, “And here we are with a week until rent is due and I’m still waiting on the previous month.” Discord brought the back of his paw to his forehead with faux dramatic flair. “How can you possibly expect me to afford my subscription to Bio-Illogical Babes without that money Mr. Elrod?”

Dirk took a deep breath and let it out. It took a special kind of person to interact with Discord regularly. Hell, most humans would have been terrified to even know such a creature existed, let alone enter into a contract with one. But Dirk wasn’t most humans. His track record of failures and freak accidents had given him a tour of duty across a wide variety of bad living situations, yet despite all his eccentricities, Discord was by far the most accommodating landlord he’d ever had.

And Discord always had an angle, even if he, himself, didn’t realize it. It was one of the few ways he was predictable.

“Lay it on me then,” Dirk said with a grim look on his face.

Discord huffed with a roll of his disproportionate eyes.

“Would it kill you to play along? Well, no matter, we both know you won’t be making a month of rent in one week, but I really do want to keep you on as a tenant despite your less than stellar record. And so, I come to you with a proposition,” the otherworldly being said with a twisted grin and steepled claws.

Dirk turned to look him in the eyes, wary but hopeful.

“What kind of prop—“

“ALL your debts erased from existence,” the demon before him cut in.

His eyes went wide as his hand gripped the arm of the couch, willing himself to keep calm.

“When you say all…”

“All of them Dirk, not just with me but with every institution on the planet, all physical and electronic records gone, poof, without a trace. Even the collectors assigned to your case will wake up one morning with no recollection of who you are. And with no records, why, who’s to say you were ever in any financial trouble to begin with?”

The human swallowed. He could feel that familiar pit in his stomach forming, and a cold sweat on his brow. It went well beyond a good deal, but neither had Discord ever offered so much before.

On the other hand, neither had he ever broken his word. He’d twisted things, sure, but in the end he’d always given him a fair price for his strange side gigs. The birthday-piñata incident came to mind, allowing him the funds needed to repair his beat-up car. That poor family was still attending group therapy last he’d heard.

Compared to that, what chaotic, nigh-Sisyphean task would he be given in return for such an opportunity?

He mustered the courage to speak his next sentence.

“What’s the job?”

“Ohoho!” The draconequus cackled, “I knew you’d be game. You know, you’ve never disappointed me in that respect, always throwing caution to the wind and marching into the great unknown, such wonderfully chaotic fun.”

“The job, Discord?”

“Right, I was getting to that,” he said with a wave of his talon. “I have this… friend back home, if you will. Real sweet thing, great with animals and flanks like you wouldn’t believe,” he said with a chuckle. “Anyway, so one of her friends has a birthday coming up, but myself and this other m- ahem, lady have a bit of a history, you see. We don’t exactly see eye-to-eye if you catch my drift.”

As if to demonstrate he plucked both his eyes from their sockets and put them on the table, now numbering three. They proceeded to get into a 2-v-1 catfight while screaming obscenities in squeaky voices before the pair on one side floated into the air and shot a rainbow laser at the other that turned it to stone. Dirk inhaled sharply and rubbed his eyes with his palms to hold onto his sanity, opening them again to find the offending things back in their rightful place.

“But I’m trying to be a better draconequus these days,” he continued, placing a paw on his chest and sitting up straight, “So when this friend of mine said I should get the other a present as a show of sincerity, well, you know, I took it to heart.”

Present?

“I couldn’t just get her anything mind you, I have a reputation after all. I had to get something unique, something I can guarantee she has never seen in all her long life, something like…”

The self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos looked down his muzzle at the human next to him with a smirk.

Dirk merely raised an eyebrow at his landlord.

“Sooo… you want me to be your girlfriend’s friend’s boy-toy as a sort of peace offering?”

Discord’s eyes boggled and he doubled over in howling laughter, clutching his sides and flying around the room like an untied balloon.

A series of sharp thumps from the apartment below stopped him in midair. He gently floated down and peeled open a hole in the floor like it was a can of sardines. The room was immediately filled with the loud blaring of an old TV set tuned to some game show or other.

“That disturbance was my fault, Madame Frank,” the still-jovial draconequus explained in apology, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Y’ALL BETTER HUSH-UP THAT HOLLERIN’ YA OLD GOAT, ‘AFORE I COME UP THERE AND BREAK THIS HERE CANE OFF IN YER SCALEY ASS!” The old woman screeched, causing Discord to wince.

Dirk hauled himself off the couch and laid on the ground to stick his head through the hole and diffuse the situation.

“Er, hey Mrs. Frank, sorry about that, I guess that joke I told really got him,” he said with a glare at Discord, “Good to see you, by the way, how’ve you been?”

“Oh, if it isn’t my little Dirky-Wirky,” the old lady cooed, “I made you a batch of cookies the other day, dear, but my ol’ hip was givin’ me some trouble so I wasn’t sure I could make it up the stairs to give them to you.”

She hobbled over to her counter while leaning heavily on her four-footed walking cane and leaned the broom she was clutching back against the wall before replacing it with her extendo-grabber. She clamped a rather generous gallon-sized ziplock in its jaws and hobbled over to the middle of her living room, hauling it up towards him with a grunt.

Dirk stretched down to take the bag from her.

“Uh, thanks?”

“Any time dear, I know things’re tight for you right now, but don’t let that old trickster fool you into sellin’ yer soul for some measly pennies.”

“Oh, don’t worry Mrs. Frank,” he said with a fake grin, swinging his arm to his chest with confidence, “I definitely won’t let him do anything like that!”

“Very good dear, and don’t forget to read yer bible every night. As long as we have the holy spirit that devil will never have power over us,” she spoke in encouragement before turning back to Discord with a twisted snarl. “NOW FIX MY DAMN CEILING YA LIMP-DICKED SONUVA BITCH!”

Both Discord and Dirk took that as their cue and scrambled away from the hole, the former pressing the floor back into position such that you couldn’t even find a seam.

“What a lovely lady,” Discord said with unironic glee.

Dirk snorted and opened the bag of cookies to put one in his mouth.

“Damn,” he said between bites, “She may be bat-shit insane, but she sure can bake a cookie.”

Rather than return to the couch he remained sitting on the floor as Discord hovered in front of him.

“Okay, so if I’m not someone’s boy-toy,” he began again, placing a cookie on Discord’s outstretched claw, “Then what exactly did you have in mind that is worth erasing my debts?” He asked.

“Oh, it’s nothing so explicit, mind you, but you weren’t far from the truth either.” Dirk gave him a look to continue while the draconequus tossed the whole cookie down his gullet. “Well, my girlfriend, as you put it, has a thing for animals you see, simply loves rescuing and caring for the ungrateful vermin — don’t tell her I said that by the way — and she believes everyone deserves a ‘special furry friend of their own’,” Discord said in a feminine voice while batting his eyelashes. “Now, as I’ve said me and her friends have had our differences in the past so I’m sort of on… friendship probation, if you will. When she suggested I be the one to select said ‘special furry friend’ for dear lu- ahem, her friend, you can understand how I might have been at a bit of a loss. Certainly, there are strange and chaotic things from the beyond I could obtain, but none of them make very good pets, and I absolutely refuse to give something common and boring. Which brings me… to you.”

Dirk squinted hard at the smiling thing in front of him.

“That still sounds like a sex fetish to me. I mean, I can read, speak, and talk. It’ll be pretty obvious I’m not an animal. The only way they’d agree to it is if they had some sort of fetish.”

Discord’s smile only grew wider.

“Perhaps the contract itself might clear up your confusion on the matter,” he said, pulling a small stack of papers from thin air and handing them to the wary human.

Dirk took them from his claws and began reading them over carefully. They started in a standard way, as all his deals with the strange being did. Complete erasure of all recorded debts across all mediums accrued by one Dirk Elrod, erasure of persuing parties’ memories, term of apartment lease frozen until the contract is completed or nullified, all personal belongings safely stored, it even allowed for a cash bonus to be paid commensurate with how ‘chaotically’ he performed his duties.

However, when he got to the terms of his duties Dirk saw the full depravity of what Discord had concocted. With every clause his breath came quicker, and on the second to last page he realized how literal the draconequus had been in his explanation.

He looked up at Discord in horror, waiting for the trickster to declare it all a prank and hand over the real contract. Instead, the smiling devil pulled out from behind his back… a collar. A silk band of deep navy blue with a small silver plate across the front, on which was engraved a short word in some flowery alien script. He didn’t even have to ask what it said.

“Hoh… hoh-boy,” he muttered, gaze falling to the thinning carpet between his legs as his mind raced.

He sprung to his feet and began pacing around the room with his hand to his chin.

Discord… he’s really serious about this one. Even if erasing my debts is trivial for him, he knows the value of what he’s offering and that… deal certainly reflects it.

He opened the squeaky glass door to his balcony, stepping past the hanging blinds into the night and leaning on the thin railing.

I mean… on paper it's objectively the simplest task he’s ever given me, there’s almost no way I can fail. But subjectively… can I handle that? Can I bring myself to stoop to that level, even for a chance at financial freedom?

He came back inside but left the sliding door open, it was feeling a little stuffy inside. He looked around at his current dwelling, the dust-free oval on the low drawers opposite his sofa where his TV used to be, the sagging twin mattress that gave him back pain, his ‘dinner’.

He spotted Discord stuffing his face with cookies and snatched the bag from him with a scowl, shoving the gooey treats into his own mouth two at a time.

Haven’t I already stooped much lower? Am I really living any better than an animal right now? Eating less and less every day, walking outside in fear, praying to gods I’ve never believed in that I’ll somehow catch a break?

Compared to that what is a little humiliation if it means I can walk away from it with a clean slate. Hell, working another fast-food job would be humiliating too, and not nearly as lucrative. At this point could I even find a temporary job that would pay enough to keep me from going under?

Hell, it’s frightening to think about living in another world, but… the contract itself provides a measure of anonymity if those safeguards are to be believed, and at the end of the day what Discord wants is entertainment. Allowing me to be seriously harmed would run contrary to his goals.

No… I have no choice but to accept. He knows I do, else he wouldn’t have arranged the contract that way. It’s sleazy, but at the same time, we both walk away with what we want. It’s fair in its own twisted sort of way, as all his ‘jobs’ are.

The only thing I need consider now is…

“How long,” Dirk asked in a dry tone.

He knew it would say on the final page, along with any final stipulations and signatures, but he needed to hear it straight from the source. Discord held up his eagle talon, digits spread wide and Dirk’s breath caught.

“Ah, pardon,” Discord said, “ I keep forgetting how many of these I have.”

He then reached over with his lion paw and pulled out another digit on the side of the talon.

“Five… five years. Five whole years.”

Dirk flopped onto the couch, and with a dull crack the thing finally broke at the center, causing both sides to tilt inward. The man hardly even noticed.

Discord settled back on the ground and stretched his limbs.

“Just think, you can spend another five years here, scraping by with minimum wage jobs, going from place to place as your debtors catch up with you, or you can—“

“I’ll do it,” Dirk interrupted.

“Splendid!” Discord exclaimed, zooming over to the opposite side of the coffee table and putting on a pair of half-moon glasses he removed from a briefcase and unscrewing one of his horns to reveal the tip of a fountain pen.

“BUT,” Dirk continued, “I want a few amendments.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

✱  ✱  ✱

It only took thirty minutes for the two to negotiate alterations to the contract, and with little fanfare the deal was struck and the contract was signed.

Dirk leaned back and let out a deep breath. It was done. From here on out it was up to him to put on a good show. Discord walked around to him with the collar in his hands. Dirk looked at it with apprehension, but closed his eyes and leaned forward.

With a hum of energy and a snick the collar was fastened around his neck with no visible means of removal. Discord explained that it was ‘enchanted’ to resist all forms of tampering except his own, as well as the key to enforcing the safeguards detailed in the contract. It was uncomfortable knowing he wouldn’t be able to take it off, but at the same time, he hoped it was as robust as Discord seemed to believe.

“Here’s the dossier on your new owner, as well as a primer on a few key details about that world you would do well to know,” Discord said, handing a manila envelope over to the man.

Dirk flipped it open and a look of incredible confusion crossed his face. He looked back up at his landlord packing up his things to leave.

“Ok, are you certain this isn’t one of your pranks?”

“What were you expecting,” he asked from over his shoulder.

“Uh, I don’t know, something more…” he waved his hand in the general direction of the chaotic amalgamation in front of him.

“Like moi? Oh, no, nothing as cruel and unusual as that. I think you’ll find this task far more vanilla than you might expect from one such as me. It may seem strange to you now, but those creatures are just as intelligent as humans. Sleep well, I’ll be back to pick you up tomorrow evening.” Discord took his coat from the coat rack by the door, neither of which existed just a moment ago, then turned back to Dirk with a smirk. “Oh, and one last thing? You may want to lose the clothes, I doubt you will be wearing any for quite some time.”

And with a snap of his claw, he disappeared. Dirk looked down at himself.

“Fuck… I hadn’t even considered that. This is going to suck.”

Dirk Elrod was no longer a man.

No, Dirk Elrod was a pet, a pet with a plan.

A summation of the contract between the individuals Dirk Elrod and Discord, later known as the ‘Pet for Debt’ deal.

Ⅰ. DESCRIPTION OF PAYMENTS AND REWARDS

By agreeing to and carrying out the following contract, Dirk Elrod will in return receive the following from Discord, Lord of Chaos:

1. Complete erasure of all records of debt (physical, electronic, or otherwise) accrued by Dirk Elrod
2. Erasure of any memories of Dirk Elrod’s debt in concerned parties, barring Dirk Elrod and Discord

In addition, the term of Dirk Elrod’s apartment lease from Discord shall be frozen until the contract is completed, broken, or nullified. All possessions currently within said apartment will remain secure with Discord for the duration. A cash bonus may be awarded for particularly outstanding performance in Dirk Elrod’s duties, subject to the whims of Discord.

Ⅱ. DESCRPITION OF OBLIGATIONS

Dirk Elrod, in signing this contract, will be required to perform the following:

1. Travel to and reside in Equestria, Planet Equus for the duration of the contract.
2. Act as a pet for the the individual known as Luna in whatever capacity he sees fit for a term of five years.

As the rewards of this contract are substantial compared to its obligations, it is noted that the benefits Discord will obtain from it include kudos with the individual known as Fluttershy, as well as long term entertainment by way of chaos and hijinks Dirk Elrod will no doubt cause, though no specific requirements for either are defined.

Ⅲ. DESCRIPTION OF LIMITATIONS AND PENALTIES

To protect the interests of both Discord and Dirk Elrod, the following limitations will be put in place and magically enforced by means of enchanted collar:

1. Dirk Elrod may not disclose the existence, nature, or terms of this contract with anyone other than Discord, directly or indirectly. All forms of accidental disclosure will be magically altered to pertain to bananas.

2. All forms of communication native to Dirk Elrod’s home planet shall be magically obfuscated to appear as merely animal-like sounds and body language (written languages will appear as scribbles). This shall be done without Dirk Elrod’s direct intervention for practical convenience. Exceptions to this are as follows:

   1. Discord shall always fully understand Dirk Elrod.
   2. Dirk Elrod will be able to communicate with and understand other ‘animals’ proportional to their own intelligence.
   3. The individual known as Fluttershy will be able to communicate with and understand Dirk Elrod in a limited capacity, such as basic concepts and words, at a level limited to what Fluttershy herself expects of a ‘smart’ animal.
   4. Purely pictographic communication, as well as any verbal or written languages Dirk Elrod may learn in his time serving the contract, will be obfuscated to appear primitive, but simple concepts will be communicable based on Dirk Elrod’s ability.
   5. With careful observation, outside parties may be able to learn obfuscated body language and sounds as a more primitive expression of the same intent.

3. Dirk Elrod shall not be allowed to circumvent the contract with radical behavior leading to his release as a pet, and doing so will constitute a breach of contract.

4. Dirk Elrod shall not be allowed to take actions in such a way as to directly or indirectly raise suspicions in regards to the existence of this contract or Discord’s involvement with Dirk Elrod (apart from being the one to provide him as a pet), and doing so will constitute a breach of contract.

5. Discord will not be held liable for any injuries sustained by Dirk Elrod. In the event of Dirk Elrod’s death, the contract will be considered fulfilled and his debts erased posthumously. Any accrued bonuses will be paid to _____________.

6. Addendum: Dirk Elrod shall not be held in breach of contract should he, in an effort to avoid the death or serious physical harm of himself or those near to him, break any of the above rules if there was no other reasonable course of action to do so. In such a case, if the contract can be continued with reasonable accommodations on the part of both parties then they shall work to do so. If the contract cannot be continued, Dirk Elrod shall be awarded a prorated portion of the award for time served.

Ⅳ. DESCRIPTION OF ALLOWANCES

As an aid in performing his duties, Dirk Elrod will be allowed the following accommodations:

1. Dirk Elrod will fully understand his owner’s native spoken language.
2. Dirk Elrod will be allowed to review this contract at any time by pressing his thumb to the inside of the nameplate on his collar. Outside parties will not be able to see this occur.
3. Addendum: Dirk Elrod will be allowed a method of communication with Discord from anywhere at any time. Discord is not required to respond but will make every effort to if he can spare the time. This provision is for clarifications, emergency scenarios, and occasionally to vent his frustrations, but is not to be abused.
4. Addendum: Once a month at a time of Discord’s choosing, he will treat Dirk Elrod to a meal of his choosing from his home planet away from prying eyes.
5. Addendum: Further alterations or additions to this contract can only be made with the consent of both parties, as necessary.