Pet for Debt

Several police reports were filed that night and the following morning by residents of a nearby apartment complex as well as a few pedestrians. According to the reports, the concerned citizens witnessed ‘a man high out of his damn mind prowling around his apartment making animal sounds in the nude’, ‘A sexual predator exposing himself while acting like an animal’, ‘Some sort of exotic pet that was trashing his owners’ place’, and ‘a man turning into a goddamn werewolf and performing satanic rituals’.

Of course, when police arrived to question the supposed offender they were unable to ascertain the location of the building he was living in. When the complaint filers were questioned about the validity of their claims, they all gave investigators incredulous looks and pointed straight at where they had ‘seen’ the event take place, only to find themselves pointing at brick walls, stores, or in one case the person’s very own apartment.

The complaints would later be dismissed as a hoax, but the event would go down in local urban legend as the ‘manimal’ incident, and even made the rounds on online conspiracy theory groups and those that made fun of them.

Of course, this all happened without the knowledge of one Dirk Elrod, as he had far too much on his mind at the moment.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

The apartment was dark, save for the flickering light from three small candles arranged in a triangle around Dirk. He sat cross-legged in the middle of his living room, in the nude, with his hands on his knees and eyes closed in concentration.

He’d spent all of the previous night running through scenarios in his head and coming up with a strategy, getting into the mindset of a pet, and going over what Discord provided him on this strange horse-world, this Equestria. There was a lot to cover on that front. Magic existing as a real physical force, talking horses that could also fly, griffons, dragons, chimeras, immortal princesses, shapeshifters, the fact that the average Equestrian preferred pineapple on pizza…

It was complete lunacy, even for Discord, but every time he started getting buyer’s remorse he reminded himself of that little tidbit of the contract that was vital for him to leverage.

Cash bonuses for an entertaining performance.

Even coming back with his debt wiped he still had nothing, no car, no food, barely enough in the bank for a week of groceries and bus fare to search for a job. No, if he was going to succeed he needed those bonuses, whatever they might be. It was almost as if they were the unspoken true win-condition for the contract with Discord, as the ‘Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony’ certainly wouldn’t be impressed with him just lounging around all day for five… five whole…

Goddamn.

A small pop sounded nearby and the candle flames flickered. It was time.

“I see you are taking this seriously, hmm?” came the familiar voice of his landlord.

Dirk flinched, fully aware of his nudity, but he kept his breathing even and his eyes closed. He’d done a lot in his life, odd-jobs here and there to make a quick buck or try and kickstart a new career. It’d made him flexible, adaptable. He could put on a mask and play a role when needed, and his meditation session was the last part of the ritual he’d developed when he needed to tackle something particularly uncomfortable.

Dirk Elrod was as ready as he was going to be.

“Well, it’s not like I’ve ever seen you wear more than a coat and hat, or maybe the occasional tie. I honestly should have been more disturbed by that fact in retrospect, but I guess I was too distracted by the spontaneous warping of reality you are so fond of.”

He could practically hear the smile on the monster’s face.

“I simply can’t wait to see what kind of mischief you will get up to Dirk,” the draconequus cheered. “I know this is quite the task I’ve set before you, but to be perfectly honest, there isn’t a single human I have higher expectations for.” His tone lost a bit of its mirth in favor of some uncharacteristic gravitas. “I really am serious about that Dirk. Despite your numerous professional failures, I’ve never been disappointed by your ability to come through on these little games of mine. As much as I’m loath to admit it, I’ve grown a bit of respect for you.”

Dirk chuckled and put a hand up. He felt a paw grasp firmly and pulled himself up to his feet. He opened his eyes and looked Discord in his.

“As much as it irritates me that you get off on my mishaps… you’ve honestly done a lot for me. If this is what it takes for a fresh start, then ‘bow-fucking-wow’.”

Discord grinned even wider, and with a snap of his talon the two disappeared.

✱  ✱  ✱

Silver-shod hooves echoed down the corridor of the princess’ private wing of the castle. The moon had just been lifted and the faint purple glow of the receding sun still lingered in the western sky. Few ponies walked these corridors at this time other than her guards.

Why my sister insisted we meet for our communal meal this early in the evening is beyond me.

As the groggy princess of the night came upon the doors to their private dining room, two night guards saluted her and opened the door. The second she turned the corner to walk inside, however…

“SURPRISE!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUNA!”

The chorus of voices and bright colors made her eyes shoot open as she dropped to a ready battle stance. She bared her teeth as her eyes darted around the room looking for threats, wings flared and a nearby chair lifted in her aura as a makeshift weapon.

An awkward silence hung in the air as the two parties stared each other down.

Her sister, Celestia, as well as the six Elements of Harmony, stood around the table. On it sat a two-tier chocolate cake with periwinkle blue piped frosting. The medium-sized room was littered with streamers and balloons in her colors, and at the back hung a banner reading ‘Happy Birthday Luna’. The gathered ponies all wore strained smiles at the lunar alicorns posture, save for her sister.

The chair fell to the ground with a crash and the younger princess’ jaw dropped.

Rainbow Dash leaned over to Pinkie.

“Kinda thought she’d be more excited for her first birthday party in, like, forever,” the pegasus whispered loud enough for everyone to hear.

Luna shut her mouth and her chin trembled. She looked down at the ground, causing her flowing mane to hide her features.

“Oh no, she doesn’t like it,” Twilight sparkle whispered in distress, also just a bit too loud for alicorn hearing.

“Now Twilight,” Celestia chided, “Just because my sister does-OOF!”

Like lightning a navy-blue flash flew across the room to impact the alabaster alicorn, stoping her speech in its tracks as the two of them rolled across the floor in a hug.

“Oh by the stars, sister, how did you remember?” Luna giggled with tears in her eyes. “We thought the knowledge lost to time! We- I… I never thought…”

“Me neither, Luna,” Celestia said while returning the hug and patting her sister’s back, a bit of emotion building up in her own eyes at her sister’s uncharacteristic show of emotion. “It’s been so long since we’ve been able to celebrate properly, but it seems our dear Pinkie Pie was up to the task,” she said with a nod to the bouncing pink earth pony.

“Oh it was nothing,” the pink mare scoffed before firing off into a rapid-fire explanation. “I just had to cross-reference all the mentions of presents in your old journals, apply statistical grouping against known holidays to get rid of all the ones that weren’t birthdays, then calculate the inverse Laplacian entropy to the root of the Einstifle tempo-spacial radiation strength for all the time Discord was being a meanie-pants and voilà, INSTANT PRINCESS BIRTHDAY-DAY!”

With a shout she jumped into the air and confetti was launched out of the cannon in the corner to fall around her. Her five friends stared at her in awe, Twilight looking especially manic as her horn glowed and a quill scribbled in fervor across parchment on a desk in the corner.

Luna paid it no mind as she got to her hooves and closed the gap between herself and the six mares, pulling them all into a wide hug with both her forelegs and wings.

“Oh, thank you, thank you all so much, it’s… I…”

Luna sniffled as Applejack spoke up.

“Shucks, it ain’t nothin’ princess, ya know we’d do it for any of our friends.”

“Of course,” Rarity piped in, “Everypony should have their day in the sun, er, moon in this case. I simply can’t believe we didn’t think of it sooner!”

Luna was taken aback by the realization before her.

Friends. I really do have friends. Not subjects or servants, but ponies that care about me and want to see me happy!

“Enough of this sappy stuff,” Rainbow grumbled, “Let’s get this party STARTED!”

With a round of cheers, the merriment commenced.

✱  ✱  ✱

Two hours later and the party was finally winding down. Cake was eaten, games were played, and the piñata was well and truly beaten. The last of Luna’s presents had been opened and Celestia had never seen her sister happier. There were many ways she and Luna shared a unique bond that few would ever understand, but more and more often Celestia was seeing all the ways Twilight and her friends brought Luna joy and friendship in ways she just couldn’t replicate.

Night court had been pushed back so they could all enjoy the party, but now things were winding down. Or, they would have been, if not for—

“SUPRISE! HAPPY… oh, did I miss all the fun? Drat, inter-dimensional customs can be such a bother at times.”

All the ponies in the room froze at the sudden appearance of the owner of that well-known voice. Most wore an irritated expression or a scowl, though there was one exception amongst the group.

“Discord, you made it!” shouted the yellow pegasus as she flew up to nuzzle him. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.”

“Nonsense, I wouldn’t miss little Lulu’s birthday for the world,” the draconequus replied in mock offense while Luna pouted. “I simply had trouble finding the perfect gift for her like we discussed,” he finished with a sly wink.

Fluttershy’s eyes lit up.

“You got one!?” she asked with excitement, to which he simply gave her a smug smile. “Oh I knew you could do it if you tried,” she gushed, wrapping her forelegs around his muzzle and planting a kiss on his lips.

It wasn’t the first time her friends had witnessed the two getting a little more than friendly with each other but it still seemed so strange that their most timid friend had developed feelings for their least timid… acquaintance.

“Fluttershy sure has come out of her shell ever since Discord, hasn’t she?” Rarity whispered to Applejack.

“I’ll say. Used ta be you couldn’t so much as talk about holdin’ hooves with a stallion around her without her freezing up like a frightened goat. Kinda makes you wonder how none of us have special someponies yet… not that I’m lookin’,” she quickly amended, “Cuz’ I’m not!”

Rarity gave her friend a knowing look but let it slide when Celestia spoke up.

“While I do recognize that you’ve made great strides in friendship, Discord, if you’ve come to ruin my sister’s birthday in any way, shape, or form I will be forced to take action,” the solar princess warned with an edge in her voice.

“Oh come now, Tia,” he said, drifting over to her and wrapping an arm around her neck, “All that nasty business is behind us. Taking over the world? Soooo last millennium,” he scoffed with an upturned nose.

Celestia gave him a disbelieving look but Luna let out a thoughtful hum.

“I of all ponies know the value of a second chance, Discord,” she said evenly, “Though you must forgive our reluctance to forget given our shared history. All the same, I think I shall judge for myself if your gift is in good faith. You may present it.”

“Wonderful!” he said with a clap, “I think you’ll find this particular gift to be one that keeps on giving.”

With a snap, a large box appeared next to him and the ponies gathered around in anticipation. It was nearly as tall as Celestia herself and a meter wide on both sides. The wrapping paper depicted a strange blobby creature with peachy skin, rosy cheeks, and a white beard wearing a hat and coat of red with white fluff at the ends and black paws, all on a green background. The assembled mares all let out various apprehensive noises before silence took hold while they all waited for something chaotic to happen.

“… What is it?” Twilight finally asked when the large package remained motionless.

“Perhaps Fluttershy can elaborate?” he offered.

The yellow pegasus quickly returned to her anxious self.

“Oh, well, um,” she started, looking down and pawing at the ground while the others looked to her in curiosity, “M-Me and Discord thought that maybe, um, since you seem really lonely, Princess, that you might want to have someone by your side. Oh, but not that you d-don’t have friends, I mean,” she backtracked quickly as her nerve began to fail, “But, um, sometimes it’s nice to have a companion to care for that you can share affection with?”

Fluttershy ended with an uncomfortable smile as her friends tried to piece together what she was getting at. Luna fixed her with a neutral expression, but Celestia was the first to make the connection.

“You and Discord… got my sister a pet?!”

That got a round of murmurs from the smaller mares while Luna stiffened.

“Precisely!” The draconequus confirmed, “Well, it was mostly Fluttershy’s idea, but she asked me to pick one fit for a princess, as a show of good faith you know. And it’s not just any pet, either, I had to make sure to find something especially unique, something nopony has ever seen before, a pet truly out-of-this-world,” he said with a mischievous smile.

“Discord,” Celestia growled, “If you plan on unleashing another—“

“Please give him a chance Princess,” Fluttershy interrupted, flying in front of the two alicorns with puppy dog eyes, “He’s been trying really hard not to cause trouble, and I just know he really did find a good pet for her,” she said before turning to the younger of the two, “I… I really think you will love having a pet Princess Luna, I know it’s a lot of responsibility but it can be very rewarding as well. Please just think about it?”

Luna was unreadable to all but Celestia, who noticed the apprehension in her younger sister’s stance. Celestia had always been the one more in tune with nature and wildlife, whereas her sister had a… history of failing to keep pets that had dampened the lunar alicorn’s mood on the topic. She wasn’t sure modern Equestria could handle another Mr. Mittens disaster. She also knew how difficult it was to turn down the Element of Kindness when she had her heart set on something.

Luna took a deep breath and cleared her throat.

“I suppose I can at least… consider it,” she said evenly.

Taking his cue, discord floated over to the package with a flourish.

“May I present to you — drumroll please —“ Pinkie seemed to be on top of it with a drum on the floor by where she sat, “Your new pet!”

As Discord lifted all but the very base of the box a small fanfare played, slowly revealing the creature inside.

The ponies all stared at the thing.

It was tall, a mere few inches shorter than Celestia, and stood upright on two long legs. Its skin was pale and had almost no fur to speak of save for a short black mane, and its lanky forelegs hung at its side. Its face was much flatter than most animals and had a strange narrow nose and small blue eyes. Around its neck was a collar of navy blue with a silver nameplate that read ‘Dirk’.

The creature stood still, eyes wide open as it seemed to scan over the ponies in front of it and the room. Its shoulders rose and fell with short breaths.

“Pardon my askin’, but uh, what is it?” asked Applejack, breaking the nervous silence.

The Assembled mares all looked to Fluttershy for the answer, but even she had a wide-eyed look of intrigue.

“Why, it’s a human of course,” explained Discord.

And then it moved.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

“I suppose I can at least… consider it.”

That would be the voice of Luna, Dirk realized, his soon-to-be owner. The person herself didn’t seem too keen on the idea of a pet, something Dirk would have to work hard to remedy lest the whole thing fall through at the start. Still, he had a list of priorities for this first impression that were non-negotiable.

“May I present to you — drumroll please — “ a drum did indeed roll, the damn draconequus was really playing this up, “Your new pet!”

The box lifted around him while some trumpets let out a few notes, and he squinted in the light after standing still in that dark box for so long. When the room came into focus he froze.

He was in a modest dining room decorated with balloons and streamers in black, silver, and various blues, but his attention was occupied with more pressing concerns.

They… those things stood around him, just staring with their big eyes and bulbous heads. It was one thing seeing still images of them in the dossier, but quite another to meet them in the flesh, mere meters from where he stood. What Discord failed to mention was how… SMALL they were. Dirk thought they were going to be, like, NORMAL horse-sized aliens, not these creepy baby horse things with their bright colors and their no-clothes and their fucking huge eyes!

He struggled to hold onto his composure, muscles stiff and breaths short and measured. He’d prepared for this, he knew it was going to be an eleven on the freaky meter, he just needed a moment to adjust. Glancing further right he sighted Luna and her sister Celestia watching him with wary eyes and let a modicum of relief wash over him.

They, at least, were roughly normal-sized, with Luna coming up to his chin and Celestia half a head taller than him, their proportions less exaggerated.

“Pardon my askin’, but uh, what is it?” came a voice with a country twang.

His eyes darted back as he searched his memory for the entry on the orange ‘pony’ that spoke.

Applejack, Element of Honesty. Typical country mare, lives on a farm with her grandma and siblings, loves apples a little too much if you ask me. Has the rather annoying ability to tell when someone is lying with almost perfect accuracy. I doubt her ability extends to creatures she can’t understand so you shouldn’t have too much trouble with this one.

Dirk still didn’t understand the Elements of Harmony bullshit Discord was so hung up on, but he did know that the six of them tended to stick together in their little clique more often than not and frequently met with the princesses.

“Why, it’s a human of course,” explained his mismatched landlord.

The six smaller equines gazed in wonder and trepidation at him. The purple horny one, in particular, had a strange look in her eye as she examined him closely while her horn thingy glowed violet. When he felt a tingling in his hand and it lifted of its own accord, he lost his composure.

(“JESUS CHRIST!”), Dirk screeched, jerking his hand away from the phantom force.

It pulled free with some effort and he bent his legs to hop backward away from the group of small equine aliens, but the cardboard square under him slipped and shot forward toward their group. He threw his arms back to catch himself and half stumbled, half rolled away from them toward the corner of the room. The cardboard square caught the air and flew up to impact the purple one’s horn with a thunk, ceasing the glow around it.

Purple Horn hissed in pain, bringing a hoof to her forehead as her friends recoiled. Dirk crouched in the corner with his fingers on the waist-high moulding running along the wall and kept an eye on them.

(“You said they had magic, not that they could control my damn body Discord!), he barked at the draconequus. (“And also why are they so damn small? They look like creepy little horse dolls brought to life. I mean, fuck me!”)

Discord merely glanced and shrugged at the human’s discomfort with a smug grin, unable or unwilling to let on he knew what the strange sounds coming from the human’s mouth meant. Meanwhile, the blue pegasus snickered at Purple Horn’s irritation.

Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty. Very fast, not so bright. Quick to point hooves and take sides, and even quicker to brag about herself. Obsessed with the Wonderbolts, whoever they are. For all her rough and tumble athleticism she’s actually rather boring.

“Oh, the poor thing is terrified,” Fluttershy said, turning to Purple Horn, “You really should apologize Twilight.”

“ME? That thing flipped out over nothing!” Purple Horn retorted.

“Now darling, we’ve been over this,” came the voice of reason from the white unicorn with a styled mane and tail that the pictures didn’t do justice. “Not everypony, or everycreature, is comfortable with having magic used on them, Twilight. You really should have known that from the squirrel incident.”

Rarity, Element of Generosity. A tailor and fashionista of some repute. Wears a high-class facade at all times. If you can ignore the incessant need to remind everyone around her how ‘generous’ she is, she can be a world-wise voice of wisdom. Or an unhinged maniac, either-or. If you plan on obtaining clothing she is definitely your best bet.

“I must agree with your friends, Twilight,” Celestia said in her motherly tone, “Until we know more about this creature and its temperament you should err on the side of caution.”

Celestia, Princess of Cake. Seriously, she’s over a thousand years old and half her diet consists of pastries, how does she maintain that figure? And before you say it’s impossible, yes she controls the sun, it’s really not that big a deal though, I can do it in my sleep. She has strong ‘for the greater good’ ideals and even imprisoned her own sister for a thousand years when Luna tried to take over and do that whole Eternal Night thing. Wears her political mask a bit too often, but if you can get her to take it off she actually has a sense of humor under there. Be very careful what you do around her, however, she’s shrewd, magically learned, and still distrusts me, and by extension you.

“Ugh, fine,” Purple Horn conceded with a scowl, “You can tell it I’m sorry and won’t use magic on it again without permission, Fluttershy.”

Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic. Probably one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet in terms of Power Wielded versus Common Sense. Spent most of her adolescence as a secluded anti-social bookworm under Celestia, only recently developing her so-called ‘friendships’. Obsessed with learning new information to a degree bordering on mania. I recommend you avoid this one, her gift with magic will likely lead her to suspect the collar or yourself, and she has little enough moral qualms running her little ‘friendship experiments’ on living creatures.

Fluttershy turned back toward Dirk with a gentle smile, stepping closer with her head lowered.

"It's ok, um, Dirk. Twilight didn't mean to hurt you, she—"

"You should meet Gummy!" a voice shouted in his left ear.

Dirk jumped at the sound and his entire left field of view was consumed by pink. Time seemed to slow down as he turned to get eyes-on his newest assailant. A wall of pink hair like cotton candy filled his vision, followed by enormous blue eyes mere inches from his own.

Adrenaline hit his bloodstream like a freight train and he threw his body away from the threat on instinct. The pink menace reached a hoof into her mane and withdrew her diabolical weapon, a small green alligator with bulging violet eyes. She made to shove it in his face, but he was already backpedaling away from them.

Pinkie Pie, Element of Laughter. Sometimes I wake up and wonder which of the two of us is the real spirit of chaos around here. Well ME obviously, but Pinkie is a close second. Among her strange qualities are the ability to vaguely predict the future with a series of coded bodily spasms, an uncanny knowledge of everyone she's ever met, the ability to pull objects from nowhere, and the ability to (seemingly) teleport and/or travel faster than light, though no one has ever directly witnessed it happen. A wildcard if ever there was one, and the foremost expert on throwing parties as well, with just a bit of repressed insanity to make a fine cocktail of chaos.

He whipped his head around as he lunged away only to find himself barreling straight toward the two princesses. They had a look of shock at his sudden approach and began shifting their weight for a hasty retreat. Dirk knew he was pushing his luck, but he needed a bastion of sanity right now. The two were ruling princesses and Luna was to be his owner if this disaster of a first impression could be salvaged, so he was hoping they would be more mild-mannered.

He looked up and met Luna's eyes and his hopes were shattered. Her eyes were pinpricks and her nostrils were flared while a blue glow was already traveling up to her horn, signaling her use of that 'magic' again. He tried to stop himself, but before he could think a translucent blue wall condensed in front of him.

He ran face-first into the barrier and his head bounced off it like a rubber ball. Pain shot across his face as the rest of his body slammed into the newly-formed wall and he collapsed to the ground clutching his face in agony.

✱  ✱  ✱

The ponies watched with mouths agape as the creature writhed on the ground while holding its face, making pained barks and whimpers as it tried to scramble away from them all. Fluttershy was the first to recover.

"Oh no!" she cried out in distress, dashing over to him to tend to his injury.

The creature saw her rapid approach and swatted a foreleg toward her as he scrambled away into the corner opposite Pinkie Pie and furthest from the rest of the ponies. Sensing his fear and distress she came to a skidding stop.

"I-I'm not going to hurt you, Dirk," she said in the gentlest voice she could muster. Her panic and anxiety bled through and caused her voice to quaver, but she lowered herself to the ground and held firm. "See, I'm not a scary pony at all, I just want to help you feel better. I promise to be gentle, so would you please let me get closer so I can care for you?"

The creature eyed her from between the long slender digits of his paws but remained silent apart from its panting, and a single red bead of liquid ran down its chin.

"I, I didn't m-mean to," Luna stammered, realizing the damage she caused. Images flashed in her mind of the looks of disgust and fear the Elements were doubtless leveling at her and she peered around cautiously at them, expecting a rebuke from them or her sister at any moment.

"Gosh darn it Pinkie, why do ya always have to do and get in ponies' faces," Applejack griped. "Y'all nearly put Granny in an early grave just last week."

Pinkie looked sobered by the state of the human and the part she played in it.

"I do hope the poor thing is okay," Rarity added, though she made no effort to get any closer.

"It's not like it's our fault Discord picked up some freaky furless thing that's scared of ponies," Rainbow said with a huff.

Twilight simply peered at the creature from a distance while taking page after page of notes.

Seeing that her friends weren't going to disown her for her mistake she turned back to Fluttershy and the creature with guilt.

"It's not your fault, Luna," her sister said from her side, resting a wing over her back. "I was close to doing the same if it came any closer."

"No, sister, I once again caused—"

"Luna look at me," Celestia ordered. Luna did, revealing tears that threatened to fall at any moment. "It's not your fault, and none of the girls blame you for reacting the way you did. This isn't the same as when we were foals, Luna, all that is in the past. This is a fresh start for you, whether you want to try keeping a pet or not. This was simply an accident." Luna nodded but a bit of her sorrow remained as she looked at the ground between her hooves. Celestia turned a glare on Discord who was floating among the balloons on the ceiling. "You on the other hand have some explaining to do," she said.

"Wha-ME?" he protested, "It's hardly my fault you ponies are so eager to resort to the most drastic measures for every little thing. I already told you it was a creature that nopony has ever seen before, which means it has never seen a pony before either. I'd like to see you keep your composure with a pack of humans gathering around you to poke and prod at you in a small room," he said before growing a wicked smile and holding up his talon with thumb and middle claw together. "In fact I can arrange for it, if you'd like."

"No no, that will be entirely unnecessary," Celestia said quickly.

She turned back toward Fluttershy and the creature with a huff. Fluttershy managed to scoot a bit closer but was still in a standoff with it. Celestia saw the blood dripping from under its paws and realized it was more hurt than she thought.

"Fluttershy, if you could speak with it I would like its consent to heal its injury if possible."

Fluttershy inched just a bit closer while maintaining a non-threatening stance.

"My name is Fluttershy, and that is Princess Celestia," she said calmly to the human. "I know you might be afraid of us right now and afraid of magic, but Princess Celestia can heal you if you would be willing to let her."

Her smile was pure and innocent, and the creature looked between the two of them before pulling away and examining one of its paws with a huff.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

There was blood on his hand. His nose was definitely broken. He didn't need the translation from Fluttershy, but he wasn't feeling real stellar about his new owner and company right now.

Still, he knew this whole debacle was just an unfortunate accident. He would have to put it behind him if he was going to have any chance at success. He glanced up at Discord briefly while everyone was looking elsewhere and got a small affirmative nod and a thumbs-up. With a sigh, he pulled his hands away from his face and knew from the collective gasps that it looked pretty bad.

("Yeah, sure, she can fix me I guess"), he growled at the yellow pegasus. ("And, uh, I guess can you tell the big blue one that I'm sorry for scaring her?")

Fluttershy beamed as his response and turned to the two princesses.

"He says you can heal him, Princess," she translated, the relief in her voice clear. "And he says he's sorry for scaring you Princess Luna," she added.

Celestia blinked in surprise. It clearly wasn't the response she was expecting from him. Dirk recalled the two still had some distrust for each other, and she likely suspected Discord brought him for the sole purpose of stirring up trouble. Luna looked relieved by comparison, offering him an apologetic smile with flattened ears. His own sour feelings subsided seeing how downtrodden she looked.

Dirk let out a sigh.

Well, it's not the introduction I was hoping for, but honestly this is par for the course for one of Discord's jobs.

Celestia stepped toward him with deliberate strides. He raised a brow and kept an eye on her horn, but pulled his hands away to let her do whatever it was she had up her sleeve. The tall alicorn bent her neck toward him as her horn lit up. Dirk flinched but held still, locking eyes with her.

The gold glow of her horn took hold of his nose and Dirk felt the cartilage shifting uncomfortably, although the pain receded almost immediately upon contact with the arcane force. A few seconds later and his nose was good as new. Celestia took a step back and admired her handiwork, then with another short flash the blood on his hands and face was gone.

("Huh."), he chirped, feeling his nose to make sure all was as it should be.

"It seems to have worked, though there was a bit of... resistance to the spell. If I may rely on your expertise a bit longer, Fluttershy, would you mind looking after him for few minutes? Perhaps introduce him to your friends, slowly that is?"

"Oh, it's no problem at all Princess," the pegasus assured her, "I think he just needs to feel safe in his new environment and he will be well behaved."

Celestia gave her a smile and a nod before turning to Discord with a flat look.

"We need to talk, Discord," she demanded of the draconequus.

"Oh, fine," Discord conceded with a roll of his eyes.

"Luna, come with me," Celestia said, directing the somber alicorn with a wing.

The three of them left the room through a side door, leaving Dirk and the six smaller mares alone.

The ones that weren't yellow grouped up around Pinkie Pie in the adjacent corner of the room and spoke quietly amongst themselves. They were far enough away to keep the 'wild human' placid, but close enough that they could swoop in and save their too-kind-for-her-own-good friend at a moment's notice. Rainbow and Applejack, in particular, kept a close eye on the two of them while the unicorns comforted Pinkie and gossiped about himself.

Rather than concern himself with them, he decided to finally get his bearings. He sat up into a cross-legged position and looked around the room, seeing the aftermath of what seemed like a rather juvenile birthday party for a princess. Balloons, streamers, cake, a broken pinata, and Pin The Tail On The... Pony. On the wall opposite the door hung a large banner with those same strange flowery characters, though it didn't take a rocket surgeon to guess what they said.

"Are you feeling better now, Dirk," Fluttershy asked, bringing his attention back to where she sat on the ground a meter away. He had the sudden realization that she was the only one to consistently call him by the name on his nametag this entire time.

I suppose when you can talk to animals you have a greater respect for them and their autonomy. How a nut like Discord got together with his polar opposite is beyond me, but thank god I can communicate with someone sane.

("Oh, uh, yeah"), he squeaked, ("And thank you for, well, standing up for me I guess.")

"Don't worry, I know how scary it must feel to be in a strange place surrounded by creatures you haven't seen before," she explained. "Discord has been doing a lot better with the animals recently but he probably didn't prepare you to meet us, did he?"

HA! More than you might think, but way less than I would have liked.

("I only know that he wanted to take me somewhere safe to help me"), Dirk explained, avoiding anything that might give away that the two of them were more involved than she might think.

"Oh my, I will have to ask him about it later," she said. "Um, would you mind if I came closer?"

Dirk was about to respond when a thought struck him. Fluttershy seemed to be waiting for permission, but rather than vocalize it he beckoned with a finger, a gesture any human would recognize but those with hooves likely wouldn't. In response, the yellow pegasus smiled and rose from her seat, walked over, and sat right next to him.

That confirms that the contract's exception for her animal-speak extends to simple body language as well, I will need to be—

His thoughts vanished as the yellow pony leaned in to nuzzle his neck in a show of affection he couldn't remember ever having received from anyone or anything in his entire life. At first his breath caught, his mind recoiling at the instinctual sense of violated personal boundaries hammered into his human psyche, but after a brief moment it was...

His muscles just... melted. Her fur and mane were so soft and her body so warm, and her gentle touch harbored no ulterior motives or lies. It was just a simple expression of her desire for him to feel comforted and nothing else. He looked up at the ceiling with a twisted brow and quivering chin, trying to keep the feelings from spilling from his eyes. When he let out a small sniff, Fluttershy pulled back.

"Oh dear, I didn't mean to-EEP!"

He silenced her by wrapping his arms around her neck and shoulders and pulling her into a hug. There was a flash of orange and blue movement from the corner of his eye but he ignored it for the moment. Fluttershy quickly caught on and relaxed in his embrace, wrapping a foreleg around his own back and patting him.

"There, there, it's going to be okay now," she whispered.

They held the position for a moment before Dirk let out a long breath.

("Thank you, I... I really needed this"), he purred in her ear.

Fluttershy withdrew from the hug and fixed him with a smile he could only describe as angelic.

"I understand, every creature just needs to know they are loved and cared for."

Fluttershy, Element of Kindness and all-around Best Pony. Easily the least judgmental and most trusting pony I've ever met, sometimes to a fault. I used to think I was a being that was fundamentally and diametrically opposed to ponies and their, *bleh*, harmony. And then Fluttershy took a chance and stood up for me despite my difficult personality, and, well, we've had our ups and downs but I can honestly say things have never been better between us. Sure it's not as chaotic as it once was, a lot less taking over the world and cataclysmic reality-bending fun, but I think the trade-off was worth it. Oh, and if you tell anyone I said that I'll vehemently deny it and turn you into a toaster.

Erm, where was I? Ah, right. Fluttershy has the ability to speak with animals and has taken it upon herself to be a bastion of safety and care for any that come her way. Though she's certainly opened up as of late, 'shy' is still in her name. It generally only applies to other non-animal creatures, however. Enjoys peace and quiet, tea times with your's truly, reading, and caring for animals. She is your best bet for getting your point across to other ponies while under contract, though for that same reason is the one most likely to realize you are not, in fact, an animal if you aren't careful what you say and do around her.

Oh and you better not ruin her innocence with your filthy human mind, she is the one pony I won't tolerate you traumatizing.

Dirk Elrod saw her in a new light. He saw ponies in a new light. They still looked strange to him, like some CGI artist's drug-induced fever dream rendition of cartoon horses, but appearances aside they were still distinctly... human under it all, for lack of a better term.

He looked over at the other group of ponies keeping their distance. Rainbow was sprawled on the floor, rear legs splayed out and front legs crossed like arms with a scowl on her face while Applejack was standing with a hoof on her tail to keep her from charging in to 'rescue' her friend. Pinkie looked much more cheery and Twilight... still had that clinical smile on her face. Incidentally, the small alligator Pinkie produced out of nowhere was once again nowhere to be seen.

Yeah, I can do this, Dirk thought to himself, they're strange, but I can get used to it. I just have to remember what's at stake.

Rarity approached them from the side while the others hung back.

"Is everything quite fine with Dirk now, Fluttershy?"

"Oh, yes, I think being around so many new ponies in an unfamiliar place just had him a little frightened is all, he seems like a very sweet and gentle creature."

"That's a relief," the high-class unicorn said with sincerity, "I daresay he took that dreadful blow rather well. I can't even begin to tell you how many times Opal has taken a swat at me for simply brushing her coat."

Applejack let off of Rainbow's tail and the blue pegasus took to the air and rubbed at it while glaring at the orange pony. The four made their way over to Rarity to get a closer look at him now that they had the all-clear from their resident animal expert.

"Ya' reckon Princess Luna will take him in?" Applejack asked, looking over his alien physique with curiosity.

"...Why wouldn't she?" Fluttershy said with genuine confusion.

"I dunno, Fluttershy, she seemed kinda like she didn't want a pet," Rainbow Dash said.

"She seemed really sad," Pinkie said, "Like when Big Mac walks slowly past carous—"

Applejack's eyes widened and she stuffed a hoof in Pinkie's face to shut her up, glancing out of the corner of her eye at the others while leaning in to whisper in her ear.

"Oh my, you don't think something happened to her in the past, do you?" Rarity suggested, glossing over Pinkie's analogy.

"I'm sure you are just overthinking it," Twilight said with confidence, "Princess Luna just came back after a thousand years on the moon. I can't imagine all the things that must have changed since she last had her duties as a princess, she is probably just worried she won't have the time to care for it while she is trying to do all her catching up."

These ponies knew Luna far better than Dirk, and their similar assessments confirmed what he suspected about the moon princess. He would have to take active measures to ease whatever misgivings she had about him, and soon. Looking around at the gathered mares, he knew he would have to develop some sort of working relationship with them as well given how likely it was their paths would be cross.

As the six continued to discuss that and other matters related to Luna's birthday, Dirk began formulating a game plan for establishing his character in this new world. Even with the safeguards on the collar, which certainly seemed to be doing a good job of painting him in a less-than-fully-sapient light, it was critical that he establish animal-like behaviors in these first few days and hide that he was more intelligent than he let on.

He knew he would not be able to maintain the image of a wild animal for long, and he needed to build the narrative of slowly learning or being trained to behave in civil society rather than coming to them with preexisting knowledge. That way he could eventually relax his acting and let the enchantments do most of the work while he focused on living this new life of his.

I'm going to have to do some humiliating and questionable things, he realized, idly playing with the end of Fluttershy's long pink mane while she conversed with her friends about some upcoming pony holiday.

He looked back around the room with all its decorations, at the six strange equine aliens sitting around him, and at himself.

I can't believe I'm actually here in another world. I've been so caught up in my own situation I never even considered how incredible this all is. I'm the first human to ever see this place, just some nobody with nearly six-figure debt and a strange diety for a landlord. I'm casually touching a literal alien right now, though I guess I'm the alien in this scenario. Let's hope the purple one doesn't try and probe me, he thought with a glance at Twilight. It seemed she was also stealing glances at him as she held the conversation and a shiver went up Dirk's spine.

After a few more minutes the side door opened again, admitting two alicorns with unreadable expressions and one draconequus.

"Fluttershy," Celestia said in a serious tone, "I'm afraid I have another task for you."

✱  ✱  ✱

"We need to talk, Discord."

"Oh, fine."

"Luna, come with me."

As the three stepped or floated into the adjoining hall, the guards posted at the door jumped in surprise at the uninvited former enemy of Equestria, grabbing their spears on reflex.

"That won't be necessary," Celestia told them, though the two night guards glanced at Luna and got a nod of confirmation from her.

Once they'd traveled out of earshot Celestia spun around on the reformed spirit of chaos.

"What are you playing at, Discord?" she asked with an edge of hostility.

Discord put a paw to his chin as he considered the question.

"Well, I have been getting into O&O recently, it really allows me to flex my—"

"ENOUGH," she shouted, quickly recoiling from her own outburst and bringing a hoof to massage between her eyes with a tired sigh. "I told you that I wouldn't tolerate your schemes today Discord, and I will not have you toying with my sister in this manner."

Luna frowned at that.

"Sister, I appreciate your concern but I am not seeing Discord's wrongdoing in this," she said evenly.

"Luna, that creature's collar is heavily enchanted with Discord's unique magic, and his body contains more of the same. Surely you felt the strangeness in him when he collided with your shield."

Luna glanced away but didn't deny it.

"Well, I wasn't aware that enchanted objects were outlawed," Discord said before dropping to the ground. A ball and chain appeared around his ankles and his claws were shackled together and held out toward the older princess. "I suppose you'll have to take me away then," he said with a dramatic sigh, then gave her a sly look. "Though I suppose you would have to arrest yourself as well, hmm?"

"Tia, I believe we should allow Discord to explain the circumstances surrounding the creature before we declare guilt," Luna remarked.

Celestia looked to her sister and let out a defeated sigh with her head hung low.

"I... suppose I was overeager to place blame. I just... I wanted your birthday to be special, Luna."

"It was special, sister," Luna insisted with a smile, sidling up to her sibling and nuzzling her, "I would not have dreamed of the day we could have our true birthdays back, and I got to spend my first in millennia with you and our new friends. I admit I was... surprised by the human creature, but that hardly ruined the evening."

Celestia leaned into the touch of her sister, feeling the tension melt away.

"Very well, allow me to apologize for my behavior Discord, and start my inquiry anew. Would you please tell us of the nature of this creature and how you came across it?"

"Apology accepted," Discord said, "And as for that particular creature, I wasn't lying when I said I picked it out especially for you, Lulu," he said turning to the princess of the night. Both sisters' eyes widened when his demeanor shifted to a somber seldom seen in him, conjuring a high-backed chair to sit in while he explained. "Humans are... very strange and interesting animals, you know. They hail from a world without any magic whatsoever..."

The alicorns inhaled sharply.

"Astounding, I know," he agreed. "You may have gotten the sense they have chaos magic like me, but that isn't quite the case. In some sense it is similar, but that energy is no kind of magic. The collar is enchanted to act as an intermediary for a creature with zero magic in a magic-rich environment, as well as other minor odds and ends to keep him happy and healthy here. It cannot and should not be removed unless you wish to subject him to a slow and painful demise."

Celestia frowned at that.

"Assuming I trust that you are telling the truth, why go so far as to bring a creature incompatible with our world here? I understand that Fluttershy wanted you to choose the gift as a show of sincerity and goodwill, but surely you could have chosen something..." she glanced at Luna out of the corner of her eye "Simpler?"

Luna's ears flattened a bit but she held her tongue.

"Why do anything, Celestia?" he asked with an annoyed roll of his eyes, "Why choose Twilight to be your successor when there are so many simpler choices, hmm?"

Celestia and Luna stiffened.

"How do you—"

"Oh, please," he interrupted with a twirl of his claw, "The writing is on the wall." He pointed behind the two sisters where the words 'Twilight is going to be a princess' were scribbled in black marker.

"Choosing one worthy of the crown is hardly the same as choosing my sister a pet, Discord," Celestia countered.

"Well, perhaps that's why your previous attempts ended less than favorably," he retorted.

Celestia flinched while Luna looked like a beaten puppy. The solar alicorn grit her teeth and gave Discord a death glare.

"That was an underhooved remark Discord, even for—"

"No, he's right, sister," Luna blurted out, and they both looked at her in confusion. "I... I can't take care of a pet, it only ever ends in misery, Tia, we both know it." Luna's words became more and more emotional as she continued. "The only thing ever wrought from my hooves is death and destruction and the creature would be better off with Fluttershy, or, or any pony OTHER THAN ME!" she finished with a stomp of her hoof.

"He didn't say that, Luna,"
"I didn't say that,"
  —They said at the same time.

"But you know it's true," the younger one sniffled, a few tears falling to the ground.

Discord and Celestia glanced at each other, exchanging minute looks before coming to an unspoken agreement.

"Luna, what happened in the past was due to several factors, not just you," Celestia said while stepping over to drape a wing over her sister's back. "We had a lot on our plates back then, civil unrest, wars, and Discord to name but a few of our numerous concerns. We were young, Luna, and we both made mistakes. We still do, in fact, and will continue to do so for as long as we live."

Luna sniffed again but was calming from Celestia's reassurance.

"I know that, Tia. I know there were factors out of our hooves, but still... I cannot allow my negligence and selfishness to bring pain to anypony or creature ever again, not after Nightmare Moon. If that means going without such companionship, then so be it."

Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed. Luna always was one to magnify her own faults, real or imaginary. The idea may have originated from Fluttershy, but Celestia had to admit Discord was wily and perceptive when he wanted to be.

"Maybe what you need is exactly that, Luna, to confront your perceived shortcomings and prove to yourself that you can handle it."

Luna looked up to her sister with wide eyes.

"Ahem, if I may," Discord cut in, "I think you may be giving these so-called 'other ponies' a bit too much credit Luna. Why, there are loads of poor goldfish that get flushed down the toilet every day because their owners couldn't care for them. And when I see what Flutters has to put up with to care for her menagerie? I don't think you, Celestia, or even I could do it to save our lives," he said with a jovial flair, though Luna was less than impressed.

"Forgive me if I am not delighted by the knowledge that I am at least no worse than mediocre," she said in a flat tone.

"Fine, if you are going to be difficult then allow me to elucidate further on my particular choice of pet," he grouched, pulling out a pamphlet and donning a pair of reading glasses. "Humans are unlike anything you are used to keeping, my dear. If there was one animal in all of existence I would bet money on finding a way to survive, it would be a human. They are omnivores that can eat a wide range of foods and be perfectly healthy, survive in both cold and hot environments, and can adapt to both daytime and nighttime sleep cycles.

"While they may lack sophistication in the wild, they are intelligent, adaptable, and utterly tenacious when pressed. As pets they are highly trainable, quick to learn, relatively autonomous, and form close-knit social bonds with their owners and their family. Frankly, you could probably just give it a small room to sleep in and ignore it forever and it would find a way to sustain itself — not that I'm saying you would or should," he quickly added. "In short, it is the perfect pet for a positively penitent self-persecuting pony princess."

Even Celestia was taken aback by his sales pitch. Discord hardly ever gave out praise, and from the way he spoke of them, it was almost as if he had a grudging respect for the species. Replaying the events in her mind, she noted that even when frightened and injured its instinct was to run rather than attack, and when reasoned with it was willing to allow her to approach to heal its injury.

It certainly was a strange-looking creature with its pale furless skin, long limbs, and flat face, but Celestia had to admit that Discord may have found the perfect pet for Luna.

Luna, on the other hoof, had a conflicted look on her face.

"Even if all that is true, I... I just... I've already ruined what chance I had," Luna reasoned in desperation, "Looking back, it, it must have been coming to me for protection from Pinkie, but instead I used magic to injure it. It's just... thank you for considering my feelings, Discord, but it is for the best that it find a home with a pony that can care for it."

Discord slumped in his seat in disappointment while Celestia groaned.

"Luna, forget all your imagined inadequacies for a moment and ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to accept the human as your pet? I will not force the issue if you simply have no desire to care for it, but deep down is that really the case? Tell me sister, if you could care for any animal in the world as well as Fluttershy, would you like to give this human, er, Dirk a chance?"

There was a silence as Luna's face scrunched and contorted. After many long seconds, she spoke in a small voice as if afraid to hear her own words.

"Yes."

Celestia relaxed upon hearing her sister finally admit her feelings, and Discord brightened considerably. She had to admit, she had her doubts when he and Fluttershy became involved, but his desire to meet her expectations seemed to be a force for good in his life. Reformed or not, he would never have gone to such lengths for anyone other than himself in the past.

"Here is what I propose then, Luna," Celestia said, "For the next few days we allow Fluttershy to help acclimatize Dirk to his new home and assess his needs. Once he is settled, you care for him as best you can for the next month. If after that you still don't believe you can handle it, we can find Dirk a new home."

Luna bit her lip.

"You, are certain this human is easy to care for? If I do something wrong it won't hurt him? And why are you so sure he will not be afraid of me now, Discord?" she asked.

"Caring for a human couldn't be simpler, it would take a deliberate effort to do any lasting harm. As for that little hiccup back there, well... I think you will find this particular specimen highly motivated to move past that if it means finding a loving owner."

Luna took in a deep breath and nodded.

"Very well, I will... once again try to care for a living creature as my pet," she said with fragile resolve.

"Splendid!" Discord cried, jumping from his seat, "I know Flutters will be over the moon that you will finally be getting a pet of your very own."

"I know you can handle this sister" Celestia added, "Now let's get your face cleaned up so we can deliver the news. And Discord, I am trusting that you've spoken the truth about the nature of the human's strange energy and your enchantments on that collar. There will be consequences if this is another one of your ploys, we can only give you so many chances."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he said as if offended she would even consider it a possibility.

After a flash of magic, the wetted fur from Luna's tears was dried, and with several deep breaths she put on a dignified look. The three of them walked down the hall back to the dining room and opened the door to find the human and Fluttershy sitting together in the corner they'd left him in, while Twilight's other friends were gathered around on the floor a moderate distance from them.

Celestia looked to the yellow pegasus and saw that the creature seemed to have calmed and was playing with her mane, and she smiled inwardly as her opinion of the creature continued to improve. Still, she held her regal mask and addressed the pony next to him.

"Fluttershy, I'm afraid I have another task for you."