Pet for Debt

The last thing Dirk remembered was eating pizza. Two whole meat-lovers had been sent to his apartment in error, but he hadn’t corrected the deliveryman when he found out they’d already been paid for. God, he hadn’t eaten pizza in ages. He was about to take his first bite when his mind went fuzzy. He felt like we was laying down, but it wasn’t in his room.

Was he at the pizza parlor? Why would he be sleeping there? He needed to get up and go to work!

His heart started pumping with embarrassment from being caught sleeping on the ground at a restaurant and the realization he was going to be late for an interview. His hands moved across the strange black velvet carpet of the pizza place and he pushed himself up. His eyes opened and he looked around. For a few seconds his mind couldn’t resolve what he was looking at, and then…

(“Shit”), he hissed, flopping back into the bed.

Luna’s bed. The princess herself was nowhere to be seen.

Why can’t I ever eat food in my dreams.

He lay in bed staring at the canopy over the royal bed for several minutes as his brain worked its way up through the gears. The bed itself was circular, roughly the size of a California King, with periwinkle sheets and pillows and a devilishly soft black velvet blanket over top. At the head of the bed, a pillar of ebony wood rose up to support a circular silver rail the same size as the bed itself, from which shimmering periwinkle drapes were hung and could be fully closed around it if desired.

At the moment they were drawn back toward the head post like curtains, allowing a view of the room.

Dirk sat up in the bed and squinted in confusion. It was one thing to wake up in someone else’s bed, but it was quite another to have been left in someone else’s bed unattended. It was just as dimly lit as when he fell asleep, the magic candles still burning away without a care in the world, and he rolled out of the bed and stood up.

The sudden rush of blood made him lightheaded, and he held one of the bed curtains for support as he shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

He could feel it: the headache was back. It was still an ember, but he knew in an hour or so it would be raging. He had to figure out a way to get rid of it as soon as possible, be it caffeine, ibuprofen, food and water, or magic.

I can’t believe magic is an actual option. Fucking magic horses man…

(“Luna!”), he chirped, (“You in here?”)

There was no response. He looked over the room in detail for the first time. It was royally spacious but somewhat spartan at the same time. If one were standing in the doorway looking in, the large bed occupied the center of the left wall, and the doors to what were likely a bathroom and closet were on the right wall.

To the immediate left, still looking in from the doorway, was a liquor cabinet set above a wine rack, a writing desk, and a tall bookshelf full of old tomes. To the right was an L-shaped couch in the corner with a coffee table, or tea table as was more likely in this evidently coffee-absent hellscape. The couch was a deep navy blue and its cushions were deep to allow the equine form space to lay down or sit on their haunches with their hooves up.

In the back left corner was a full body mirror on a stand next to a smallish dresser, and at the far back wall was a massive window covered entirely by heavy curtains. Aside from that, there were large awkward portions of the walls left bare of furniture, and enough floor space to fit at least five more royal beds.

Despite the candles around the room burning blue, they gave off a soft mostly-white light, giving the whole space a very gentle atmosphere.

Other than the furniture, there was very little in the way of decorations. The few items on the walls were pictures of Luna and Celestia, Luna and Twilight, Twilight and all her friends, a painted portrait of some old unicorn in a wizard outfit, and a framed newspaper in illegible pony-script with a front-page picture of Luna attending a… Halloween party?

Guess she likes keeping things simple. Well, simple for a princess. That was probably the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept on in my life.

But damn… where the hell is Luna? Did she seriously just… LEAVE me here? What time is it?

He looked at a quiet wall clock and found it still had the familiar twelve positions, even if the numbers were unreadable. It was either midnight or noon, and he doubted he’d only slept for a couple of hours.

Dirk rubbed the crust from his eye and shambled over to the door he assumed went to the bathroom. He lifted his hand to knock but stopped himself. Instead, he pressed his ear against the door, listening for movement within.

Nothing but the sound of his own breathing and pumping blood.

He carefully opened the door and peeked within. The room was dark, but the glint of bathroom fixtures shone from what little light filtered in through the opening. He opened the door all the way and stepped inside, running his hand along the inside wall near the door for the object he’d been trained since birth to expect.

After a dozen seconds of frustrated groping in the dark, he froze and realized what an idiot he was. After retrieving the candle from Luna’s writing desk, he ventured within.

The bathroom was built to a similar level of luxury as the bedroom and was equally absent the types of things he’d expect a princess to own. On his right was an elegant sink with a deep basin made of a dark silvery metal, perhaps pewter, and fixtures to match. The mirror stretched tall and wide around it, with plenty of counter space for beauty and grooming paraphernalia, though only a tube of toothpaste and comically sized toothbrush sat alone on its surface.

As soon as he saw the faucet his mouth and throat reminded him how parched he was, and he set the candle on the counter. He twisted the knob and tilted his head down to guzzle straight from the tap before wiping his mouth in satisfaction and shutting it off.

Dirk spotted a pair of candlestick holders with those strange candles on either side of the mirror and stretched up to light them with the one in his hand. With the bathroom illuminated, he found the tub, or rather the pool.

At the back of the room was an enormous basin set directly into the floor with a small raised lip around the edge. It appeared to be made of one solid chunk of black marble, or maybe several slabs fused together somehow. At the near end it looked to be around a foot and a half deep and ten wide, a shallow shelf for climbing in and out or lounging around and long enough for a pony of Luna’s size to stretch out no problem. Halfway back the bottom dropped down to four feet deep, with room to swim just a bit if one so desired.

The walls surrounding the tub were grey slate all the way to the ceiling, with a slanted ramp issuing from a rectangular hole near the top of the deep end wall that would pour the water down like a waterfall. Several sconces lined the walls around it with frosted glass shrouds to bathe the pool in light when lit.

I cannot WAIT to take a shower in that, he thought to himself.

He almost went to take one right then but realized he’d be going around smelling like whatever soaps the mare had lining the edge of the tub.

Finally, the toilet was thankfully present, though raised a bit higher than the one in the guest room. Rather than the long rectangular shape, this one was more traditionally designed, though still a bit oblong and missing a seat. The water tank was mounted on the wall above his head and connected with a long pipe and a pull handle.

The sight of it reminded his body he’d just guzzled a ton of water, and after a careful utilization he emerged from the bathroom ready to tackle the day… or night.

He left the bathroom and put the candle back on her nightstand and took in a deep breath.

(“FUUUUUUUCK!”), he roared, (“What am I even supposed to be DOING?!”)

He began pacing around the room much like Luna had, gesturing with his arms in wide motions to drive his point.

(“Yeah, just set me down in this world with ZERO guidance, no objective, nothing, just ‘be her pet’ he says. WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO? I mean fuck… I like her and all but she just left me here alone? What if I WAS an animal? I could burn her room down or burn myself with these candles!”)

He waved a hand over the flame for emphasis and his shoulders sagged. They were only mildly warm.

(“Okay, maybe not burn the place down, but what am I supposed to EAT? Does she WANT me to shit on her carpet? Did she just leave for a moment and is on her way back as I speak? Am I just supposed to sit on the floor and do nothing until she comes back?! Am I supposed to leave and come find her?”)

The shouting was only bringing his headache to the forefront, but he hadn’t had a free moment to himself since this whole endeavor started and he needed to vent. He looked around the room in frustration and strode over to the bookshelf, taking a single tome and opening it to a random page.

Complete gibberish.

(“Of course! I can’t even read to pass the time. Thanks, Discord, for not allowing me the ability to read spaghetti letters!”)

He whipped his hand up in the specified phone shape and was about to dial the draconequus to give him a piece of his mind when his hand faltered.

He let his arms drop with a heavy sigh and paced over to sprawl out on the sofa.

That’s only going to make me angrier. I just… I feel like I’m lost in the ocean here. The princesses are having sister problems, at least one pony sees me as a research subject, even if she’s been keeping her horn to herself, and just about anything I could be doing to improve my situation will make the whole thing go tits up.

Dirk stared up at the high ceiling for several minutes, stewing in his thoughts. He needed to center himself.

He sat up and looked around. The candles fixed to the walls didn’t appear to be removable.

One will have to do.

He took it over to the empty corner of the room between the closet door and back wall and set it right in the crook between them, then took up his position in front of it, legs crossed and hands on his knees to keep his back straight.

It was a trick taught to him by one of his very first employers when he was fresh out of high school, an old lithe man of vaguely Asian origin. Dirk came in early to open the store and found his boss meditating in the dark of his office with a candle in front of him. When questioned, the old guru taught him the simple meditation technique. There was nothing magical or spiritual about it, just a simple exercise to put one in the mindset to reflect and organize one’s thoughts. Ever since then it’s been Dirk’s go-to method for coping with stress and difficult situations.

Of course, that same boss later fired him for missing two days of work after he got sick, but he tried to separate the art from the artist.

First, my performance so far. I thought it would be a lot easier to act in an animalistic way but when push comes to shove my body just defaults to normal human body language. I suspect the collar must be doing some real heavy lifting if they still haven’t figured it out yet.

I need to do better than that.

My knee-jerk reaction to ponies fearing me has been hugging. It’s a pretty universal gesture, even for animals, and seems to be effective on ponies. Still, I’m not sure I want to just hug all my problems away.

I need to come up with a few more simple gestures for ponies to understand.

Magic is… a problem. When Discord said they had magic, I thought he meant they could shoot lightning bolts and stuff, but it seems to be a far more nuanced and everyday force than I realized. The fact that pretty much any unicorn could just pick me up or teleport me is… disturbing.

I will have to get used to it.

Next, my goals moving forward. Right now things are still up in the air with my status in the castle. I still have to go to the doctor or whatever, and Fluttershy has to I guess make some sort of decision on whatever training I need. But after that what am I supposed to do? People go to school and have jobs. Wild animals have to hunt and find mates. Pets just, well…

I need to find a hobby.

Dirk frowned and clenched his jaw. That was the catch, wasn’t it? On the one hand he had to follow the ‘rules’ of this society so he could avoid being punished or have Luna abandon him, and on the other he had to…

Wait… why do I have to follow the rules again?

His eyes opened wide and his breathing picked up. He could almost hear what Discord would say were he talking to the old kook right now. Dirk smiled a dangerous smile. The wonderful, terrible truth of his position settled on his shoulders, daring him, enticing him, frightening him.

I can do whatever I want. Not only can I, I SHOULD be doing whatever I want, within reason. Why am I making this hard on myself? The only stipulations are that I remain Luna’s pet (and Luna already loves me), don’t hurt anyone unprovoked, and don’t let anyone know about the deal. At the end of the day, or the end of the contract as it were, I get to just leave. No one is going to know what I did here in pony world but me.

Dirk stood up.

He chuckled to himself.

Discord really is a mad genius.

He looked at each of his hands in turn and clenched them. He could feel it…

Freedom.

With a deep breath, he roared at the top of his lungs.

(“I CAN DO ANYTHING!”)

✱  ✱  ✱

Discord shot awake.

“Now what was that, I wonder,” he thought aloud.

He looked around his quaint little cottage in the realm of chaos, but everything was exactly where it shouldn’t be, just as he hadn’t left it.

“Odd, I was sure that–“

Then he felt them. Ripples following in the wake of the wave that jolted him awake, not of chaos but of something else. A grin split his face.

“Finally something is going to change around here,” he said, rubbing his paw and claw together, “I’m counting on you, my little human.”

With a satisfied smile he put back on his frilly pink sleep mask and cuddled back up to his Fluttershy body pillow and drifted off to sleep.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Dirk collapsed on the bed in a fit of giggles, embarrassed by how silly he sounded just now but equally emboldened by the declaration. It wasn’t as if he was going to throw away his contract, but he realized he was playing this whole thing wrong.

All the things he’d subconsciously been following from his years of living in a highly regulated society were not only largely irrelevant, but counterproductive to his mission. Concepts like personal ownership of items, physical boundaries, laws… why did it matter? He had an opportunity here, not only to wipe his debt back home but to let loose and take a vacation from being a responsible adult human.

He rolled back off Luna’s bed and walked over to her liquor cabinet.

Oooh, interesting selection.

He couldn’t read the labels, of course, but he could guess based on appearance. Most of the collection seemed little used, though he couldn’t say the same for the numerous wine bottles down below. He took a bottle of amber liquid and broke the seal on it then brought it to his mouth and tipped it back. His face scrunched but he gulped down a shot or two.

He pulled back and gave the label an appreciative inspection while smacking his lips.

(“Damn that’s some smooth rum”), he whistled.

He put the cap back on just the way he’d found it and placed it back where it came from. He didn’t want her to buy a lock for the thing just yet, and he was hopeful it would take the edge off his throbbing head until he could find some sort of headache medicine. Or make it worse, either-or.

(“Alright, time to seize the day”)

He walked over to the front door and threw it open. There he spotted his first obstacles. No… his new friends.

✱  ✱  ✱

“Are you sure it’s fine?”

The two thestrals listened with their sensitive hearing at the door they were assigned to guard, but heard nothing else.

“See, Jam, it’s fine,” the stallion said, “It probably just bumped its head or something.”

“Well shouldn’t we check?”

“That’s the princess’ room! We can’t just peek without permission! That’s, like, treason or something!”

“But she said to make sure Dark was okay,” Jam insisted, “I’m sure we have permission if it’s something serious.”

“I’m sure Dork is just fine in there, I bet the princess left it plenty of toys to play with.”

The mare gave her partner a flat look.

“Pit… the princess did not name her pet ‘Dork’,” she said.

“Well I know it’s not ‘Dark’,” he scoffed, “What kind of name is that.”

“The kind of name the princess gave her pet?!” Jam whisper-shouted.

The door behind them flew open and the two jumped. There stood the monstrous beast called a human. There stood Luna’s new pet.

It was tall. Probably taller than Luna herself. Its pale furless skin clung to its long sinewy limbs, looking pallid and sickly in the light from the crystal torches along the wall. It towered over them with hunched shoulders and its swinging forelegs, on the ends of which were long slender paws with wriggling tentacle-like digits.

Its flat face and narrow nose were alien. Its small beady eyes glared at them and it bared its teeth. The thestrals may have had fangs of their own, but they still found the display unsettling.

“Uh, Pit, I think he’s angry,” Jam said, backing away.

“How do you know it’s a– oh, yup, definitely a he,” Pit responded then gave the beast a nervous smile. “Uh, hi there Dork, did you have a good sleep?”

“I told you it’s Dark you dingbat!” Jam hissed.

The creature stared at them for a moment then fell to his rear knees, making a terrible barking-yipping sound like some sort of hyena-fox hybrid while striking the ground with a paw.

“Psst! On my signal we run,” Pit whispered out of the side of his mouth.

“We can’t just abandon our orders!”

“We are not cut out for this, Jam, we need backup before that thing attacks!”

The human stood back up on its rear legs and made a gurgling sound while bringing a paw to cradle its head then looked down at Pit. He took one long stride toward him and the guard balked.

“Now, RUN!” he shouted, but in his haste to flee he tripped over his own hooves and sprawled on the ground.

Jam immediately stepped in front of him and gave the beast her best smile under the circumstances while spreading her wings.

“There, there, good boy, Dark, we aren’t going to hurt you, P-Pit didn’t mean to call you a dork, he um…”

Jam swallowed and leaned her head back as it stepped up to them.

“Leave me!” Pit cried from his place on the ground, “Go get help, we can’t both go down!”

“I’m not going to leave you,” she spat back while maintaining her smile for the human, “Just be calm, I’m sure he’s just as scared of us as we are of him.”

The creature squatted down on his haunches to look Jam in her eyes. The thestral guard felt her fur stand on end just looking at his face and she could feel her pupils shrink to slivers. How could its head and eyes be so small compared to its body? It reached out a paw toward her and she flinched but held her ground.

Easy does it, he’s just curious, the princess wouldn’t keep a pet that was truly dangerous… probably.

She shut her eyes when she felt him touching her helmet, still maintaining her now manic smile. When the weight of the blue steel galea lifted from her head she opened her eyes and blinked in confusion.

The beast fell back on his rear in apparent surprise when the helmet cleared her ears and revealed her natural deep purple fur and lilac mane as opposed to the standard grey and ghostly blue of the uniform. He quickly rolled to his knees and gently put the helmet back on her head. When the enchantment once again dyed her in the night guard colors he blinked rapidly and gave an enthusiastic chirp at his discovery.

Jam released her pent-up breath and let her wings sag and her smile relax into something more genuine. She could hear a scrambling of hooves and armor behind her at the sound of her relief.

“See, he’s just a big colt, Pit, nothing to be afraid of,” she said, turning to her partner.

Pit was busy dusting himself off and adjusting his barding while attempting to appear casual.

“Well, er, obviously I was just testing your readiness, and I have to say you failed,” he explained, “If this were a real threat we would have both been incapacitated and the rest of the guard wouldn’t have been alerted.”

Jam rolled her eyes at that.

The human shuffled over to the stallion while crouched and Jam snickered when he flinched at his approach. He reached out a paw to grab Pit’s helmet, but the stallion held onto it with a hoof and moved his head away.

“No! Bad human,” he scolded it.

Which was completely ineffective, as the human then darted forward to gently bop him on the nose with one paw while pulling it off with the other when he was distracted. Like her own, as soon as it cleared his head the enchantment faded, leaving him in his natural state of deep purple coat and lilac mane.

“Tch, give it back you dumb… dumb thing,” he complained, leaping with a flap of his wings at where the human was holding it, only to miss when the agile beast yanked it away from him. Luna’s pet tilted its head in curiosity seeing Pit’s natural color, and with his free paw pulled her own back off as well.

Jam gave him an annoyed look but allowed him his fun for the moment, while Pit rounded for another pass at him. He seemed harmless. Big, but harmless. Maybe even a little cute in a weird sort of way?

As soon as he saw them both in their natural colors he dropped the helmets to the ground with a clang and went into a fit of barking yips as before. Jam just let out an exasperated sigh and collected her helmet back off the ground. Most ponies that didn’t know them had a similar reaction when they removed their armor. After all, they were just about as nearly identical as fraternal twins could get.

The human stood to his rear legs again while swinging a foreleg for balance, deftly swiping Pit’s helmet off the ground in the process as the poor guard made a dive toward it. Pit went sliding across the ground empty-hooved with a grunt, and the human put the armor on his own head.

Jam shivered at the sight of his almost comical too-small head fitting in their guard helmets with room to spare, and the human looked unimpressed by it.

Was he trying to…

“GOTCHA!”

Pit was hovering at eye level with the creature, his helmet held in triumph above his head. He wore a smug look on his face and did a little jig in the air, staring the creature down as if daring him to even consider snatching it again.

Both she and the human gave the stallion a flat look, and Pit put his helmet back on with a grumble and dropped to the ground. Jam was liking this human more and more with every moment.

“So… what are we supposed to do with him,” he asked his partner.

Jam was wondering the same, but before she could make a suggestion the creature turned and lumbered off down the hall.

“Hey, wait!”

✱  ✱  ✱

“Would… you… just… stop… already?”

Every word from Pit was accompanied by another attempt to grab one to the human’s limbs to keep it from wandering the halls, every one a failure. At first he’d tried to block his path, but the human just stepped or ducked around him. When Pit decided to make him stop, the creature simply slipped its long limbs away from the thestral with dexterity she wouldn’t have expected of the lumbering giant.

Jam for her part had given up controlling the beast and was walking alongside him as if they were on official business and not, in fact, being led by the nose by it.

“Maybe he wants something,” Jam offered.

“Yeah, he wants to get us disciplinary action, Jam,” he grouched, finally giving up his attempts to control the willful pet and resigned to appearing at least somewhat competent by marching alongside like his sister.

Jam turned her head and looked up at the creature with a smile.

“Hey colt, do you wanna go outside?” she asked in an overly-enthusiastic tone. “Go outside? Go to the bathroom? Do you need to go potty?”

The human snorted at her and kept walking, ignorant of her attempts to trigger some sort of key phrase it might know. It seemed to be taking note of hallways and doors, though didn’t make any attempt to go in any of them. He had to know what doors were if he could open Luna’s chambers with such ease. Its wiggly claws must have made the task easy.

I wonder what it would be like to have claws like those, she thought.

“I’m not picking up after it,” Pit said.

“Oh, caveapples, we don’t have anything to clean up after him with.” She looked around wildly as if the answers to her problems would suddenly appear around the next corner. “Okay, uh… there,” she said, pointing with a hoof at the large Prench doors up ahead on their left.

“Jam, that’s Celestia’s favorite garden! We can’t just leave a big pile of human manure there, she’ll notice!” he hissed.

“Okay then, smart colt, where do YOU suggest we take him?”

“Oh, I dunno, back to Luna’s room? Why are we even doing this? We were only supposed to guard him, not take him for walks.”

“Well like it or not, he’s walking!” Jam retorted. “So unless you have a better idea, we have to try something to get him to cooperate.”

“Ugh, fine, we can take him down to the garden outside the gala hall, there aren’t any events scheduled and plenty enough animals there to blame the mess on. I think they keep some food for the animals there too, we might find something he likes.”

Jam looked at her brother for several seconds before giving him a determined smile.

“Now there’s my Big Brain Bro, c’mon!”

Pit let out a grunt of annoyance at the nickname and prodded the human toward Jam with a hoof.

The human watched as she headed down a nearby stairwell. It twisted its head around to look down the unexplored hallway they’d been walking down, then rolled its shoulders with a growl and followed after her with Pit close behind.

✱  ✱  ✱

The night was crisp and breezy, and blankets of wispy clouds slid past the moon. It was a perfect night for a nice relaxing flight. The garden was peaceful, no obnoxious tourists or the sounds of activity from the city below. The nocturnal inhabitants of the garden called softly to one another.

The two guards would have enjoyed the fresh air if it weren’t for their charge.

“Go on, go… do your thing,” Jam encouraged the human.

They’d followed a path of flagstones around to a secluded corner and now stood in the grass waiting for the human to do something.

Anything really.

Instead, he just stood looking bored or giving the two questioning glances when they tried to prompt him.

“C’mon, we’ve been out here for ages already,” Pit complained, “Just… shit already!”

The human hooted like an owl at the impatient guard, causing him to quirk an eyebrow and pull his head back.

“Whoa, he makes way too many sounds,” Jam noted, “Maybe he’s never been out here? He… does he need permission or something?” She looked at Pit, then back to the human. “Go on, Dark, go potty. Like this, Dark,” she said, turning to feign a squat.

The thestral grunted in emulated constipation while looking at the creature, who tilted his head at her example.

“Jam, what are you doing?” Pit asked, looking wildly around to make sure no one saw them.

“Just trying to get him to do something, Pit.”

“You look like an idiot,” he said flatly.

“Oh, like you could do better?”

“Tch, fine,” he said, taking his place beside her.

He turned his backside toward the human and lowered himself to an even deeper squat, grunting even harder.

“Like, hrrn, this, Dork.”

The human tilted his head even further the other way at his antics, and Jam snickered at his attempt.

“Oh so that’s how it’s gonna be,” she laughed, taking her place beside him. “Here, Dark, go potty like, thiiiissSsSsSsS,” she grunted even louder.

“No, like this… harrrnnngggg!”

“HUURRRRFFF!”

“HYAARRRNNNNG!!”

“HNKKUFFFFFFRKK!!!”

“RAARNNNGEHCKKK!!!!”

The two continued their competition with more and more exaggerated grunts and squats as they glared at each other with red faces while panting from exertion, but the human remained unimpressed. He stared at them for half a minute like that then looked around. He carefully stepped back onto the flagstone path, then with knees bent and forelegs raised for balance, carefully and quietly crept away back toward the castle.

Of course, the twins were far too caught up in their spat to notice.

✱  ✱  ✱

Midnight Blossom, Captain of the Lunar Guard.

It was a coveted position for thestrals. Not that a non-thestral couldn’t hold the position, but it was no secret Luna preferred the nocturnal tribe for her guards. As much as she hated to admit it, it was a blessing that she did. Thestrals weren’t favored in most trades, even if their skills were on-par with their brethren, but now they had a chance at prestigious positions working for the crown. The positive public exposure was doing wonders for her tribe as a whole, and many found guard work a good use of their natural abilities.

She was enjoying her early morning stroll through the castle. It wasn’t a required patrol for her, but she liked to show that she was working hard with her guards, not just sitting around doing paperwork all night like that golden colt Shining Armor.

That and the paperwork was so damn boring.

She passed a pair of guards at their posts, armor shined to perfection and standing dutifully despite the low traffic. She smiled at the discipline her ponies had and received a respectful nod from them in return as she passed. It was easy to get lost in the bureaucracy of upper command, but seeing them like this on her patrols reminded her how proud she was of them for exceeding expectations–

Her head snapped to the side. She saw something out in the gardens below. It was hard to tell from the glare on the windows and the clouds outside, but she’d walked this route enough times to know when something was off.

She smiled, perhaps a bit too wickedly.

Finally some action.

She picked up the pace and cantered down a nearby stairwell, then past the gala hall to the garden entrance. The wind and nightly sounds masked the commotion but she could hear signs of a struggle. She crouched down and prowled across the cool grass like a cat, pupils dilating to illuminate the dark garden and ears tilting at every nearby sound.

The closer she got the stranger it sounded. Rather than a fight, it almost sounded as if some lovebirds were having a little liaison. Not quite the kind of excitement she was hoping for but still something she couldn’t overlook.

She jumped around a tall hedge and stood ready to put an end to whatever it–

…

There were nights Midnight Blossom was proud of her guards’ hard work and professionalism, showing that they were every bit the solar guards’ equals.

And then there were nights like this.

She wore a look of profound disappointment on her face as she stared at her two thestrals squatting behind the bushes with their backs toward her. They were taking turns making the most horrific grunts of constipation equinely possible and occasionally laughing when the other made a particularly absurd effort, blissfully unaware of their commanding officer standing behind them.

“AHEM…”

Midnight Blossom cleared her throat loudly between their apparent attempts to birth Mount Canterhorn a new little sibling and they froze. Their ears were laid flat in her direction and after a moment they turned their heads mechanically toward her, mouths agape and pupils shrunk to slivers.

“Corporal Plum Jam, Corporal Plum Pit, it certainly is a fine night out, wouldn’t you say?” she asked in a deceptively calm tone while wearing a predatory smile.

The two guards spun around in a blur and came to attention on reflex.

“M-Ma’am we can explain!” Jam blurted with all the confidence of someone who knew they could not, in fact, explain.

“Oh, well let’s hope you can for the sake of your poor wings and legs after I’m done with you. Go on, I’m listening.”

The twins gulped and glanced at each other to determine who would speak.

“Uh, ok, we were guarding Luna’s pet while it slept in her room like we were assigned,” Jam began.

“Of course,” the captain commented casually, “The very important billet that Luna herself requested that I assured her we could handle…”

The guards’ tails tucked at that and they began to fidget.

“Y-Yes, um, that, well, the human creature came out of the room, you see,” Jam continued.

“…So you guided it back in and continued standing guard, right?”

“We couldn’t stop it,” Pit interjected.

Midnight Blossom gave him a hard look and her false composure began to fall away.

“Two of my very capable Lunar Guards couldn’t stop one pet?”

It wasn’t a question but a challenge. Pit gave his sister a look for help then glanced back to face her.

“Ma’am, the creature was uncooperative but we could not exercise additional force on it without knowing how it would react or, well, how the princess would react,” he said with gathered bravery.

Blossom stared him down for a dozen seconds before continuing.

“Acknowledged,” she said simply, “So how, then, did you end up out here?”

The pair visibly relaxed when their superior seemed to accept their explanation so far, and Jam took up the burden of continuing their story with fresh confidence.

“Well, it started wandering the halls, so we guided it out here to go to the bathroom if it needed, then we were going to see if it needed food. It, er, he wasn’t going though, so I tried um, pretending to go to get him to do his business?” Her confidence wavered as her statement came out like a question. “Pit said I wasn’t acting good enough and then we sorta got into a competition to see who could act it out the best,” she finished with a sheepish smile.

Blossom nodded and hummed at the mare’s explanation of events so far, then fixed them with a tranquil look to deliver the coup de grâce to the unsuspecting duo.

“I see, I see. So… where is the princess’ pet?”

“Oh, he’s right over there,” she answered with enthusiasm and pointing with a foreleg.

All three ponies turned to look on at the wonderfully empty stillness of the garden where she indicated. Jam’s smile began to shrink and she swept her leg over to indicate yet another empty expanse of grass and flowers, then another. Her smile was abandoned for a look of worry as she dropped her hoof and began whipping her head around in every direction. Pit jumped into the air and sped all over the expansive garden looking behind all the bushes and blind spots before returning to them with a look of fear.

He dropped to the ground beside his sister and they shared a look before staring off into the distance.

“Oh, buck,” they said in unison.