Pet for Debt

“DAGNABIT, RARITY! What in tha blazes are you crushin’ my hat for?”

Dirk jolted from sleep at the shout, sitting up as his heartbeat in his chest. He looked around wildly at the threat, spying Applejack looming over the unicorn in her bed as she also fought to regain her wits.

“Huh, wha?” she mumbled intelligently, looking around to find what had woken her with unfocused eyes.

As soon as Dirk realized what had happened he groaned, hanging his head in his hands while swinging his legs over to sit on the edge of the bed. He slipped a few fingers under his collar to rub at a spot where it sat on his neck weird. The inner lining was silk but he was still getting used to the sensation of wearing it nonstop. He could feel Fluttershy shifting uneasily as well, though not as violently as himself.

Fucking terrible idea.

“Y’all went and took muh dang hat to bed and crushed the daylights outta it!” Applejack continued shouting, pulling the hat out from under the unicorn for her to see.

Rarity looked at it with utter confusion as her tired mind tried to process what was being said.

“I-I-I… what?” She said, looking around her covers, then back to Applejack and her slightly deformed hat. “I don’t think… I really don’t remember that at all.”

“Well ya did,” Applejack grouched, using a hoof to straighten out the creases on the side before putting it on her head and walking toward the door.

“Applejack, wait,” Rarity managed, “I truly didn’t mean it if I did, I know how much it means to you,” she said.

Applejack stopped at the door with a hoof on the handle and let out a sigh.

“I… I know ya wouldn’t’ve done it on purpose, I just… need to cool my head,” she said, then opened the door and walked out of the room.

Shit. I fucked up. Wasn’t even that funny.

“Wha- what’s happening,” Fluttershy murmured.

(“Nothin’, Rarity took Applejack’s ha- head thing”), he said.

“Oh… what time is it?” she grumbled.

Dirk didn’t answer.

He felt like shit. He’d only gotten a few hours of sleep and evidently got jolted out of it at the worst part of his sleep cycle. His body and mind were still sluggish and disoriented, but his heart was coming down out of its panic mode, making him feel like an old car that’d just gotten cold-started and immediately pushed to sixty. His eyes stung and he felt nauseous, realizing he hadn’t eaten in over twelve hours.

He looked over at the poor white unicorn staring silently at the floor and stood with a groan. He shambled over to her and sat heavily on the edge of her bed, causing her to start. She looked at him with a bit of residual discomfort, but he wrapped an arm around her in a side hug and pulled her head to his chest.

(“Not your fault”), he squeaked quietly so Fluttershy couldn’t hear, (“It was mine. Sorry about that.”)

He knew she wouldn’t understand, but that never stopped dogs and cats from comforting humans when they were stressed. The unicorn relaxed and nuzzled his side briefly before pulling away and looking him in the eyes.

“I don’t know how I ever thought you were a dangerous beast, Dirk, you truly have been a sweetheart.”

(“I try”), he croaked, looking over at Fluttershy who was stretching her wings and legs. (“Damn, I could really use some coffee…”)

His blood ran cold.

You don’t give coffee to animals. You specifically avoid giving coffee to animals. He wouldn’t be getting any coffee, not without sneaking it, anyway.

There was a knock at the door and Fluttershy stumbled over to open it. When she did, one of the guards poked his head in the room.

“The princesses request that you join them for breakfast, along with her majesty’s pet,” he announced, “Same dining hall as yesterday.”

“Oh, thank you,” the pegasus said, “We’ll be right there.”

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Dirk kept his eyes peeled as they walked to the dining hall, paying attention to the layout of the castle along the way rather than the decorations. They were once again escorted by the guards from the door, though these ones gave him several leery looks along the way despite being identical to the first two, both with bat wings, slitted pupils, and matching fur.

Okay, the princesses must have a rather successful cloning program, fuck if it isn’t creepy as hell, though. How are they supposed to tell each other apart? Do they have some sort of hive mind? Nah that’s dumb. Magic? I mean, why not?

Despite the guards’ cold reception, he took the time to veer toward one as they walked to tickle his fluffy ear, much to the guard’s displeasure as he kept glaring at him and trying to swat him away with a wing. His partner, on the other hand, thought it hilarious as he fought to maintain his stoic mask.

Dirk wondered if Fluttershy was humoring his mischief by not saying anything, but she definitely saw what he was doing.

It was short-lived fun, however, as they reached the same room Luna’s birthday was held in last night. The two guards took up posts beside the two non-bat guards already posted outside the door, these two also identical in their own right, and the girls and him went inside.

The room had been completely cleaned of its decorations and was now held just a simple elegant dining table that could seat maybe a dozen. All along the center of the table were several small silver serving trays with semi-spherical covers, two set to the side with a band of thin red tape keeping them sealed. Three larger trays were already uncovered and held a number of breakfast options in continental style for the ponies to choose from.

At the head of the long table sat Celestia herself, casually enjoying tea while reading a newspaper. Dirk had been far too preoccupied with his immediate concerns last night to properly appreciate the solar princess, but now noticed the strange way her mane and tail billowed behind her like she was in a perpetual hair-care commercial.

Twilight sat next to her, destroying an omelet and orange juice like a kid that knows they are about to go to an amusement park. When she spotted him her eyes sparkled.

…Please tell me that’s not because Celestia promised her she could come watch me at the doctor’s office.

“Fluttershy, Rarity, I trust you slept well,” their diarch greeted them. “Will you not be returning with the others, Rarity?”

“I had something to speak with Princess Luna about, actually, though I may be returning afterward.”

“My sister should be along shortly. How was Dirk last night, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, he was an absolute angel,” Fluttershy gushed. “He was so well behaved and didn’t make a mess and was gentle and sweet and patient with Rarity and Applejack. I’m so proud of Discord for finding him!”

Celestia considered her words with a thoughtful look, glancing over at Dirk who was making his way around the table like a shambling zombie while eyeing her tea set, keeping to the side opposite Twilight for good measure.

“I am of a similar opinion, actually. I’m still getting used to the new Discord, but I find him much more tolerable these days.”

Fluttershy was about to follow up on her statement when she gasped.

“OH, not that I am in a hurry but, I do need to tend to my animals this morning, Princess, do you think Dirk can be looked after until then?”

“Actually, I was going to send you home myself,” Celestia announced, “It’s the least I can do considering the help you are lending us with Dirk.”

“It’s no problem at all, I’m glad to help Dirk fit in at his new home. Um, I should be finished in an hour or so, should I…”

“Simply send a letter with Spike when you are ready to return and I will pick you up,” Celestia said, lighting her horn.

With a bright yellow flash, the pegasus was gone.

Dirk stared at where she had been.

(“What the FUCK?!”), he screeched, backing away from the spot. (“What the hell did you do to her?”)

“Ah, that may have been a bit much for him,” Celestia noted with a concerned look at his defensive posture and wild eyes directed toward her.

Rarity came to his side and laid a hoof on his arm.

“It’s quite alright Dirk, there is nothing to be afraid of,” she crooned.

Dirk glanced down at her with a frown but kept Celestia in his sights. He trusted her… he wanted to trust her, but magic was quickly becoming his number one concern in this world.

“Oh, I have an idea,” Twilight piped up, standing from her chair.

Dirk looked at her with worry and backed away. Celestia opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted when a magenta flash surrounded the purple mare, and then again five meters to her left where Twilight was now standing.

Dirk stared at her and Twilight picked up her notebook and quill, watching for his reaction with an eager smile.

(“… You’ve got to be fucking kidding”), he growled, (“You guys can teleport? That’s such bullshit.”)

Nevertheless, he calmed down, patting Rarity’s hoof with a hand for her concern and continuing toward Celestia’s end of the table as before while muttering to himself.

“Amazing!” Twilight exclaimed, scribbling in her notebook.

“Care to explain?” Celestia asked with a quirked eyebrow.

“Oh, right, well I was thinking of non-invasive tests we could give him since he doesn’t like magic being used on him, and had the idea for one just now! He was obviously afraid when you teleported Fluttershy, but going off what Discord said about him, it may have been that he’d never seen it done before. Then, when I teleported myself so he could see the end result, he relaxed his posture immediately. This shows that he has the intelligence to correlate the cause and effect of the two events, and understands object permanence and the fact the Fluttershy didn’t cease to be but was simply moved elsewhere!”

Dirk looked back at her with concern.

What the fuck is wrong with this pony? I mean, It was an okay idea and she drew the correct conclusions from it, but who the fuck just starts running experiments at the breakfast table? I get where she’s coming from, but this shit’s really starting to piss me off.

I see why Discord was warning me about her though. If she has her way, she could probably put two and two together just by observing me, even with the enchantments hiding most of my intelligence. She might just take me apart piece by piece in the process, though…

“Twilight, you really ought to take it easy with your tests, you can get a bit excitable darling,” Rarity advised her while sipping some tea from a cup held in her magic.

“Although in this case your use of magic worked quite well to calm him,” Celestia said with a smile, “Just remember, he is a living thing and my sister’s pet at that. It is important we learn about him, but not at the cost of his well-being.”

Dirk wanted to comment on that but knew it was pointless. He had other things on his mind anyway.

He stood in front of the tea set positioned near Celestia and stared it down. He could see from here that it was in fact tea in her cup and not coffee served from a teapot as was his distant hope, but it was still something.

I need that tea inside me, but how?

He looked at Celestia as she watched him in curiosity.

“Do you know what he might want, Rarity? Has he eaten yet?”

“I’m afraid I don’t and he hasn’t,” the unicorn said, “Though perhaps he is taken with your tea set? It is quite a wonderful piece.”

Dirk squinted at the teapot then to Celestia as she finished her cup. He could care less how pretty the thing was, but he needed a reason to show interest in it. The alicorn noticed and made a show of pouring a fresh cup from the pot as he watched.

Bingo! There’s my excuse.

Dirk reached over to the pot but Celestia pulled it out of reach with her magic. He gave her a fierce glare for her efforts, causing her to flinch back with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s very hot, Dirk, and tea isn’t for you. I do suppose you must be thirsty,” she said to herself. She rang a small bell and from a side door emerged a pony in a chef’s ensemble. “Would you be so kind as to bring a bowl of water for Luna’s new pet?”

The pony bowed without a word and disappeared.

Dirk grit his teeth. He was getting his fix and that was final, and if the nigh-immortal, sun-controlling sovereign ruler of ponykind thought she was going to stop him, she had another thing coming. He put on a sinister smile and strode right for her.

Celestia’s posture changed immediately, placing her cup on the table and dropping her smile.

“You will calm yourself this instant,” she said with regal authority, though her voice didn’t rise above polite conversation level.

Dirk nearly backed down. He could almost feel a compulsion to do as she said with those words, but he held his ground.

“Oh dear,” Twilight said, ears laying flat and tail tucked while backing away from her former teacher.

“Princess, wait!” Rarity called, dashing over to stand near him. “I know he looks aggressive, but we found out last night from Fluttershy and his own actions that this is the face he makes when he’s feeling, well, playful.”

Celestia relaxed at that and her eyes softened as she looked at the human.

“Truly? How very… unsettling. We will need to inform the staff before somepony gets the wrong idea.”

Dirk took his chance and stepped up to meet her eye to eye. The alicorn was still nervous but met his gaze. Dirk felt the edge of the table with his hand without breaking eye contact and did some mental math.

He then quickly darted his head forward and licked her right across the lips.

Celestia reeled back and sputtered as Rarity gasped.

“Dirk! How very improper of you!” the elegant unicorn cried. “I-I’m very sorry, Princess Celestia, he really is a well-behaved… human.”

Dirk quickly stepped away from the table while keeping his front facing the two ponies, his smile still wide.

Celestia regained her composure and chuckled.

“No harm done, my little pony. I suppose he really was being–“

She froze mid-sentence as she looked down at the table. Her cup was gone. She whipped her head around to the human to find him holding the cup in both hands and guzzling it down as quickly as possible.

“Oh you, you RASCAL!” she cried, failing to hide the smile spreading across her face.

Dirk finished the last gulp with an audible ahhh and gave the alicorn a devious smile. What he was not expecting was for her to leap from her seat with a powerful beat of her enormous wings to land in a wide stance not fifteen feet from him. Her head lowered as her smile took on a devilish quality.

“P-Princess?” Rarity sputtered at the sight of her ruler squaring off with an animal.

Celestia ignored her and instead took one step forward while locking eyes with Dirk. His own widened and his smile disappeared.

(“Ah, I see I’ve done something I shouldn’t have”), he mewled.

A moment passed where the two stared each other down, then Dirk made a break for it with the teacup clenched in one hand. He dashed back toward the end of the room they’d entered from but heard metal shod hooves hot on his heels and his adrenaline spiked. He wasn’t an athlete by any stretch of the imagination but he’d at least hoped the princess was sedentary enough for him to perform marginally better.

As he neared the end of the table he pivoted hard, causing his fleshy feet to screech painfully on the polished floor for a few inches before sticking. As he lunged around the short end of the table he turned his head to see Celestia nearly grab him with one of her hooves with a wild look on her face.

As she tried to turn as well, her gold shoes slid on the smooth floor, causing her momentum to bring her against the wall with a soft bump.

He thought he had her with that, and made to turn around the other corner of the table toward where Twilight cowered from her leader’s loss of decorum. He looked back at her with a smug grin that disappeared instantly.

Celestia leapt forward with a powerful beat of her wings like an Olympic swimmer performing the breaststroke, launching her forward like a bullet. He tried to duck under her outstretched forelegs but she caught him around the chest as she passed over and the two of them rolled across the ground.

Dirk brought his limbs in to protect himself, but Celestia had the foresight to wrap her legs and wings around the two of them.

When they came to a stop he tried to struggle out of her grasp only to find her limbs were made of steel. He looked up to see one large purple eye looking down at him in mirth.

At that moment the chef opened the side door with the requested bowl of water, took one look at his princess on the ground with the supposed animal, put the bowl on the corner of the table, and left without a word.

(“Yeah I suppose I deserve this after doing the same to Applejack”), he chirred flatly, then froze as he realized he was missing something.

“Princess!” Rarity cried in horror, “Your priceless cup, it’s…!”

Dirk saw what was left of the elegant porcelain in four pieces along their path, but they were quickly taken up in a gold aura. He snapped his head up to see the horn causing it glowing the same color, but saw Celestia’s calm gaze fixed on him.

“Worry not, Rarity,” she said, and with a flash, all four pieces were once again one whole. “Besides, it’s actually a replica, the originals remain safely stored away. You on the other hoof,” she said addressing the human in her clutches, “What a little trouble maker, yet even like this you remain calm.”

Dirk wiggled an arm free while her guard was down and reached up to attack her ears with the soft tips of his fingers. Celestia snorted and giggled as she tried to flick her ears away.

“S-Stop, stop, you fiend,” she laughed.

Dirk smiled wickedly at the confirmation of the Pony weak point and slipped his other arm to double up his assault. Celestia pushed her wings out from under them and Dirk watched in equal parts interest and horror as her feathers bent like fingers to tickle his sides. He wasn’t particularly ticklish, but the absurdity of her retaliation made him laugh like a hyena.

Damn, while her sister is a closeted animal lover, this chick is wearing it proud.

Twilight and Rarity watched on with incredulous looks.

Still, this is honestly the best scenario I could imagine… well in regards to both princesses liking me, not really the part where I’m at the mercy of powerful beings in another world. I mean, I think Luna likes me anyway. I’ll have to make sure to lay it on extra thick for her. Still, despite their improbable history, the princesses seem oddly… chill.

“Sister,” came a cold but familiar voice from the other end of the room. “I’m so glad you are having fun with Dirk.”

Luna’s words were laced with venom, and everyone turned her way.

She looked exhausted: tail drooping, starry mane less floaty and wavy, and dark bags under her eyes. Dirk wasn’t sure how he could see bags under her eyes through the fur, but he reminded himself how they seemed able to blush perfectly fine as well. The look on her face seemed even at first, but he thought he could see a bit of hurt there.

Celestia immediately released him and rolled to her hooves.

“Luna, I, it was just a bit of fun, I’m sure Dirk is excited to see you,” Celestia said, hesitating with her words.

The two unicorns seemed perplexed by this exchange between the two, but Dirk wracked his brain for everything he knew about them from Discord and what he’d observed for himself. It didn’t take him long to come to a conclusion.

He felt… genuine pity for the princess of the night. Dirk had always been an only child so it was difficult to relate to the sibling rivalry, but he knew the feeling of always being second fiddle well. Or in his case, perhaps benchwarmer fiddle. The guy that was always ‘We’ll call you if you got the job…’ or ‘We aren’t sure you would be a good fit for our company culture’, or worst of all, ‘We’re looking for someone more… not you’.

Luckily for Luna, he wasn’t some dumb animal to be bought with treats.

He stood and jogged over to her. Without hesitation he pressed against her chest and wrapped her neck in a tight hug, rubbing the top of her head with his cheek while avoiding the pointy bit. Her wings sprung open a few inches at the sudden affection, but she quickly leaned into him and hummed quietly in joy.

(“I’m your pet, Luna, I’m not going to abandon you for your sister or anyone else”), he cooed.

…At least not for five years, he said to himself. He felt a twinge of guilt but pushed it down into the depths of his psyche. That was a problem for Future Dirk.

“I… sorry Tia, I didn’t mean to be unpleasant, I suppose the night was a bit taxing,” Luna apologized. “And I’m glad to see you too, Dirk,” she said quietly to the human, “I was thinking of you all night.”

“No need, Luna, anything I can do to help?”

“Nay, sister, tis a battle only I can fight,” she said, walking over to take a seat in front of the uncovered platters of food on a large cushion. Dirk followed her over like a dutiful protector. “I’m afraid I may be destroying nightmares of changelings for a couple generations here in Canterlot. Though the damage was light, their emotional scars are not so easily healed.”

Changelings… Discord briefly mentioned them in the primer but I didn’t hear anything about an incident. And what the hell is she doing waging a war on nightmares?

“Indeed. If Chrysalis intended to further alienate her people from ponykind she did a remarkable job of it,” Celestia mused, walking back around the table to take her own seat with a difficult expression. “Though, with the reformation of Discord and your own redemption… I feel as if the age of forgiveness and reconciliation is long overdue…”

“Princess, I… you don’t really intend to let that villainess off the hook, do you?” Rarity asked in shock.

“She tried to take over Equestria and foalnapped Cadence!” Twilight burst out, “There’s no way we can let her–”

“You forget that I have done far worse, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna reminded her sternly. Twilight and Rarity shrank from the rebuke, examining their hooves with guilt. “Though I am angered by her injury to our ponies and my own inability to be there when you all needed me, I must nonetheless acknowledge that she and her people deserve the chance to make amends should they choose to do so.”

“Perhaps we ought to speak of lighter matters,” Celestia suggested.

Luna gasped, a bit of her fatigue fading away.

“Of course! Lady Rarity, I must know everything about last night,” she exclaimed, fixing the white unicorn with an intense look of interest to rival Twilight’s. “How… how was Dirk around you ponies? Did Fluttershy say anything about his health? Does he need any sort of training?”

Rarity was overwhelmed by the sudden line of questioning from one of her rulers but took it in stride as she began to recount the night’s events while Luna ate and Twilight took eager notes.

Dirk ignored their conversation, standing by Luna’s side and occasionally brushing her mane when it floated toward him with his fingers to earn a happy look from the princess, but otherwise looking at the food on the table with his own growing hunger, wondering if he should just take some or not.

“Are you hungry Dirk?” Celestia said from his other side. When the alicorn managed to slip around him he couldn’t tell and answered the only way he could.

(“Hell yes”), he barked.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then,” she said with a giggle.

He began reaching across for some slices of what looked to be French toast arranged along the edge of a platter only to have it pulled away from him by her magic.

“Ah-ah, we need to see what is safe for you to eat before we feed you any pony food, Dirk.”

He turned his head to look at her with the first genuine feeling of anger he’d had toward a pony thus far. His stomach was empty and his body was beginning to feel the fatigue of minimal sleep with little help from the tea. And then she was just going to ask him if he wanted to eat then take it away? He clenched his fists and pressed his lips together to hold it in, waiting to see what her intent was.

“Twilight, if you will assist me, I’ve come up with a simple test of my own for Dirk given what we know about him,” she continued, getting the mare’s undivided attention for a moment. Celestia levitated over several of the smaller covered silver trays and placed one in front of Dirk.

Twilight squee’d with sparkling eyes and hopped off her seat to come closer, but Dirk turned and hissed at her. As in, he actually turned to her, made eye contact, and intentionally hissed like a cat. The effect had all four ponies flinch and look toward him with wide eyes. Dirk had to fight to suppress a satisfied smirk.

Holy shit, I guess that confirms that. The enchantment must have doubled up to super-charge my hilarious imitation, I’ll have to keep that in mind, could be useful if I need to deal with another Twilight.

“Perhaps you should stay where you are, Twilight,” Celestia said with a bit of apprehension.

As soon as the lavender mare backed away from him he immediately went back to ignoring her and being on his best behavior. He thought he actually saw a smile on the corner of Luna’s lips and Celestia gave her sister a subtle glare. Rarity looked worried for him, while Twilight looked properly spooked.

“Dirk, that is not how we treat ponies,” Celestia said sternly, trying to convey her message via tone and body language.

He could feel a headache coming on.

(“Maybe she shouldn’t–“), he began to growl when he was interrupted by an unlikely source.

“Perhaps ponies should not treat my pet as their personal science project,” Luna interrupted him with an elevated voice, turning to the lavender unicorn. “I’ve seen how you look at him, Twilight Sparkle. Your desire for knowledge is commendable, but I will not have him made into your plaything. What you do with your pet is your own business, but when your intentions do not edify his well-being they are unwelcome.”

Dirk glanced over and saw the hurt and confusion in Twilight’s eyes. Receiving a rebuke from one of her rulers right after being threatened appeared to be putting her into–

“I WASN’T DOING–...!”She began to shout with a stomp of her hoof before seizing up.

Her eyes shrank to pinpricks and she covered her mouth with a hoof while looking up at the princess she’d just snapped at. Luna glanced at her sister’s protege with a neutral gaze but said nothing in regards to the outburst before returning to her breakfast.

“I’ve already spoken with Twilight, Luna,” Celestia said with rising anger, “I asked that she assist me in taking notes and nothing more. I understand you are being protective of Dirk, but he must learn to interact with ponies calmly. How do you propose–“

“And he WILL!” Luna snapped back, rising from her seat to face Celestia. “He merely gave Twilight a warning, much the same I would give were somepony to follow me around taking notes and treating me like a subject for their amusement.”

Dirk took a step back from the two with wide eyes. He was beginning to regret being short-tempered with Twilight, but realized there was probably more at play than he saw. He looked over at Rarity who wore a mortified expression, meeting his gaze briefly before turning back to her rulers.

“That’s NOT–“

“Tell me, sister, how many times has he hurt ponies, and how many times have we hurt or frightened him? Rarity has had nothing but praise for him, citing his gentleness and patience, and I’m certain Fluttershy and Applejack said the same.”

“And I acknowledge his good behavior, Luna,” Celestia responded, stepping closer to loom over her sister. Luna grit her teeth but held her position. “But all that Twilight has done is levitate his paw and he has shown her disproportionate animosity. You know as well as I that the nobles, the guards, the castle staff, diplomatic guests, any of them could be far less careful around him, and what then?”

“Then it is they who are in the wrong for doing so,” Luna countered. Celestia opened her mouth to continue but Luna cut her off. “Come, Dirk, if you wish to eat Prench toast then you shall,” she said, turning toward the side door and levitating half a loaf of the fluffy squares along behind her.

Celestia opened and closed her mouth several times, torn between continuing the spat and letting it go. Ultimately she turned away from the retreating alicorn and scuffed a hoof against the ground with a scowl. Dirk took that as his queue to extricate himself from the situation as well and jogged over to catch up with Luna.

…

Is this ok? Is it really ok for me to cause trouble and just… walk away like this. I mean… I just wanted Twilight to back off, not cause a schism in the country’s leadership.

Dammit. Guess I'll go with the tried and true...

He put a hand on Luna’s withers and she looked at him.

(“Just a sec”), he gobbled.

Luna quirked an eyebrow and he turned back to speed walk back over to Celestia. The white alicorn glanced at him out of the corner of her eye but made no move to turn toward him or her sister, a scowl still on her face. He quickly nuzzled her neck, then looked up to meet her eyes. He reached up a hand to brush her ear, causing her expression to soften.

He then jogged around the table to Rarity and knelt down to hug the concerned mare.

(“I’m counting on you to get me some clothes”), he squeaked.

Rarity returned the embrace to his surprise, wrapping a foreleg around his back.

“Twilight… means well, Dirk,” she whispered. “I hate to see my friends bicker like this. Or my friends’ pets, in this case, though I realize it wasn’t entirely your fault…”

Dirk paused at that, but it didn’t change his next stop.

He stood over the lavender unicorn skulking by herself near Celestia’s end of the table, so despondent that she didn’t notice his approach. She sat on her haunches on the hard ground with her head hung and tears falling from her eyes.

He squat down and put his arms around her barrel, pulling her into his chest. The sudden embrace shocked her out of her mind space, but as soon as she looked up and saw the human with its arms around her, her ears went flat and her eyes shrank.

“YAH!” she shouted, trying to pull away, but Dirk held on, closing his eyes and rubbing his head on her back.

After a moment she stopped squirming and Dirk figured that was the best he was going to get.

He stood up and walked back over to Luna who had a victorious smile on as she glanced sidelong at her sister. Celestia had on a softer expression but still looked conflicted.

It’s out of my hands now, they’ll have to make up on their own.

Luna opened the door and walked out, holding it in her magic for Dirk to follow and the two began walking down an unfamiliar corridor.

A piece of ~~French~~ Prench toast hovered in front of him after his stomach growled, suspended in an indigo aura. He blinked and looked at the alicorn beside him to see the gentle smile on her face and he tentatively took the toast out of the magic field with his thumb and index finger.

The field tingled for a moment when he touched it, but as soon as the toast was removed he felt completely fine. He’d never been unduly afraid of the magic itself, really, just its non-consensual use on his person. He stuffed the eggy bread into his mouth and ate. Even without syrup it was light and fluffy, possibly the best he’d ever had, but his mind was elsewhere.

I bet Discord is hiding around some corner getting his rocks off on all this shit. Why can’t I just have a normal life for once?

✱  ✱  ✱

Celestia hung her head and flopped into the nearest seat with a groan.

Dirk.

That creature was a mystery. She couldn’t even blame its actions, really. She may not be an animal expert but she was the closest thing to a Twilight expert there was. She knew her student had a certain way about her when it came to research, a way that oft went astray of pony decency. She just hadn’t expected the human to be so aware of it. Perhaps its instincts told it she was dangerous to him. Perhaps he simply didn’t like the way she smelled.

I need to speak to Fluttershy and see if she can intercede on behalf of her friend.

Still… she couldn’t shake the strange feeling Dirk gave her. One minute he is lumbering around being mischievous with a wild and frightening look on his face, the next he is hyper-sensitive to the emotions of those around him. He was so strange and alien in both mannerisms and his bizarre range of vocalizations it was easy to write him off as a common beast, but viewed through a different lens…

Just what IS Dirk? What kind of world produces such a creature? While I feel certain Discord does not mean outright harm to my sister, I doubt he has been entirely forthcoming about the creature’s history. Perhaps Fluttershy can get more out of him than any of us ever could.

Celestia recalled the pegasus’ behavior at the party last night and shuddered.

On second thought, I’m certain she is getting plenty out of him. I hope she knows what she is getting into with that old scoundrel.

“Princess…?”

Celestia was pulled from her thoughts by the voice of her protege standing next to her.

“What is it Twilight?”

“I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to–”

“Worry not, my number one pupil,” she said in a soothing tone while wrapping a wing around the young mare, “It wasn’t your fault. Dirk just has… a bit of apprehension around you. It may be best to let him approach on his own terms from now on if his affection toward you at the end is anything to go by. I will talk to Fluttershy about arranging a way for you two to become better acquainted in a controlled setting sometime, but for now it’s best to let it be.”

“B-But, I YELLED at Princess Luna! She must–“

“My sister does not think less of you for that, Twilight, she knows emotions were running high.”

“I… I just don’t understand. I thought she and I were… friends? It feels like she’s gotten so distant toward me lately and I just wish I knew why.”

Celestia winced at that.

Oh Luna…

“Things are… complicated between my sister and me right now. It’s not something we make public, but we have our disagreements from time to time. A bit of that has bled through into your relationship as well, I’m afraid, but with time she is sure to come back around.”

Twilight was silent after that and Celestia simply enjoyed the feeling of having her student close again.

“Ahem,” Rarity coughed, “Not to ruin the moment, but I did have some matters to discuss with Luna concerning Dirk. It seems now is not a good time to disturb her, however, so I thought I might discuss them with you instead?”

“Of course, I would be happy to hear what you had in mind. Allow me just a moment to write a letter to Fluttershy and you’ll have me until day court.”

Celestia conjured a scroll and quill with a flash of magic and began writing.

Dear Fluttershy,

I regret to inform you that I will need to postpone Dirk’s appointment with the specialist until tomorrow. There were a few hiccups after you left and I’m afraid Luna has taken him with her, likely for the rest of the day. If you are still willing, write me tomorrow when you are free and we will pick up where we left off.

Signed,
Princess Celestia

P.S.
It has come to my attention that we may need to know a great deal more about Dirk than we do at the moment. If you could, I would be grateful for anything you can find out from Discord about his history and home.

P.P.S.
Please, for the love of Harmony don’t forget contraception. Enclosed is a voucher for full reimbursement by the crown for any costs you might incur.

✱  ✱  ✱

Meanwhile at Fluttershy’s house…

“AHH! O-OH! HMM! T-That’s, HNNN, right, r-rut me like, um, like a BEAST!”

“HRRG, HFFF, HNNK, HAH, If, HAH, If I’d known this was at stake, HRRNG, I would have gotten her a puppy AGES ago!”

“L-Less talking, HEEE, and more humpi-HYAAAAAAAAA~!”

Amid the racket not often heard in the tranquil tree cottage, a single letter popped into existence and landed on the nightstand, only to be ignored and soon forgotten by the room’s occupants…

☽ LUNA ☾

Luna couldn’t help but admire her new pet. Dirk lumbered dutifully alongside her down the halls, munching down the Prench toast she periodically fed him without so much as a sound. As much as she wanted to fawn over him, she had to maintain her image in public, especially around her sister’s day guards. They hadn’t taken her insistence in regards to maintaining her own guard unit well, and often grumbled among themselves when they thought she wasn’t around.

When she reached her room she nodded in appreciation to the two sleepy thestrals that drew the undesirable day shift, opening her door with magic. Dirk seemed hesitant to enter her darkened chambers, but she turned toward him with a smile and he stepped within.

As soon as the door was shut she lit a few magic candles with her horn, kicked off her silver shoes, then cast a silencing spell around the room and let her emotions flow free again.

She sucked in air through her teeth and…

“RAHHHHHHH!”

She reared up and howled out her frustrations. Dirk flinched and backed away a few hoofsteps but didn’t run.

“WHY must my sister be so, so infatuated with Twilight and her thrice-damned research?!”

She paced around the room restlessly and continued to rant.

“It’s not as if her addle-brained mishaps have ever gone catastrophically wrong, nooooo~”, she spat, then put a hoof under her chin and bat her eyelashes with a dopey look, “‘Dear Princess Celestia, today I found out it might not be ethical to resurrect someone’s pet with necromancy. Dear Princess Celestia, today I found out you don’t call the griffon ambassador a cock instead of a tom. Dear Princess Celestia, I didn’t learn anything today but I need you to come and erase the memories of Cheerilee’s class because I accidentally duplicated a filly four times and caused her an existential meltdown.’”

Luna stomped over to a small cabinet and opened it, pouring herself a glass of wine from a vintage she’d been working on at an accelerated rate before downing it in a single gulp.

“But every time my sister pardons her reckless behavior with the same phrase: ‘She’s learning Luna, give her time.’”

She set the glass down with a thunk on her writing desk and walked back to her bed, throwing herself onto the large circular mattress in a heap.

“And yet she has the gall to suggest Dirk needs to learn proper behavior?” She hit the plush black velvet covers with a hoof for emphasis. “HA! I’d sooner make HIM a princess, he’d likely cause less damage to Equestria. And how dare she act as if Dirk is her personal research specimen, if she weren’t so beloved by my sister her actions would have landed her in the dungeons, bearer or no.”

Luna let her head flop to the side as she exhaled all her anger.

“I… why can’t I… I wish Twilight was… why can’t we just be… ugh…”

Tears began to well up in her eyes and her lips wobbled.

“Why must she always dismiss me? Am I not her equal? Did she not say things would be different this time, that, that we would be sisters again? That we would rule together? And yet I am reduced to her overnight stand-in, unable or untrusted to make decisions on my own. I… I just…”

Tears were pouring over the edge now and she sniffled. She looked back at her new pet where he stood motionless by the door with wide eyes. The look in those eyes was like a cold knife in her heart.

“O-Of course you should fear me as well,” she cursed with a look of self-disgust, “What creature wouldn’t. It’s only a matter of time before some-, somepon-eeeheeheeee~”

Her face twisted up and her voice cracked. She just couldn’t hold it in anymore. She pulled a pillow to her head and wailed into it, shedding tears she couldn’t show anypony.

Why? Why even try?

The old words echoed in her mind.

They will never care for us the same. They see the blood on our hooves and fear us. We will never be their princess.

She could taste them on her tongue like a drug, bitter, harmful, numbing. Words like magic spells that would make it all go away.

Better to be feared than dis–

She felt the bed shift and froze when something soft touched her back. She lifted her head and saw the human, Dirk, with his hind knees resting on the edge of her bed and a foreleg outstretched as he gently ran his paw between her wing blades. His eyes were so small, but when she looked into those little blue eyes she saw so much compassion.

“You, you don’t…?”

She couldn’t articulate her feelings in that moment, but she needn’t have bothered. Without even understanding her words, that strange creature rolled onto the bed beside her with his innocent eyes as if pleading with her to feel better, as if her pain was his pain too.

Luna pulled his long slender furless body against her own and held him tight. He stiffened at first but then melted into her embrace.

He’s so, so… how can such a gentle creature want to be my pet? I don’t deserve this, I don’t, but…

“Please don’t leave me, Dirk,” she whispered.

The human whined softly and put his paws into her mane. She could feel the way the strands slid between his digits, how he gently groomed her. His dull claws scritched at her fur and pressed into the tense muscles on her neck, draining the sorrow from her stroke by stroke.

She tucked her head under his and let her tears flow out onto the pillow silently. She could feel his heartbeat and the expansion of his barrel as he breathed in and out, a real living creature here with her in her sorrow. She ran her hoof gently along his smooth back and he shivered, but made no move to escape.

Minutes passed. She didn’t know how many, just that they had, and little by little her calm returned. The stress of the long night, her anger and self-deprecation… it all seemed so silly. She couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore, but one last thought passed through her mind.

I truly don’t deserve Dirk.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

He stared at the undulating ghostly blue flame of the candle on the writing desk. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment Luna had finally fallen asleep, but she was breathing peacefully now. He could feel the weight of exhaustion on his mind and eyes as well. That tea hadn’t done jack shit for him, and the mild throb at the front of his head persisted.

But Dirk had a lot on his mind.

The way he scared Twilight, the fine line he was treading trying to get things done while remaining plausibly ignorant, Luna’s outburst. Suddenly the job didn’t seem so simple.

Luna was…

Well, he couldn’t even begin to know everything she was going through, just that she was.

Thousand-year-old princess of a nation with enough magic power in her forehead to turn me to ashes, and here she is crying on me of all people. How am I supposed to help her? I could barely even feed myself back home and I’m supposed to know how to fix… this?

He knew she needed him, though. It was such an alien feeling for him, to be needed. He didn’t know what qualifications he had to even be here, yet here he was.

He glanced at Luna’s sleeping face and gently brought a finger to stroke her neck. Her fur was soft. Like, really soft. It wasn’t quite the same but he could understand now why humans used horses for emotional therapy, something strange about their physiology that humans just found comforting.

Ironic that I’m the one being used for therapy in this case, he thought with a smile.

Dirk began to feel his own consciousness slip away despite the headache and he wiggled to get his head in a more comfortable position. As the minutes passed, he came to a realization about his position here as Luna’s pet.

It felt good to be… needed.