Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

Famous people have a tendency of sitting in strategically specific places when they go out to eat at a restaurant. Usually close to the door to escape mobbing fans more easily, or in a dark corner to try and hide. And Jon Stewart was no exception, despite his not being recognized very often back home.

But as well as being a Celebrity Jon was also a parent, and he found the principles of finding specific locations to sit while out dining were the same. Back when his two kids were just babies he found himself looking for that dark corner or seat near an exit. The idea was if his children ever acted up or started crying he either had the benefit of being away from the other patrons so they didn’t hear the commotion or was close to the door so he could briefly exit until they calmed down.

For this outing Jon went for the classic waiting in the corner technique. Usually a human in Ponyville sitting atop a giant mushroom would be grounds to draw a few eyes, but Jon cleverly set himself up so virtually no one could see him.

Without even thinking about it at first, Jon had subconsciously sat himself in the very corner of the restaurant where the outside of the house and the fence surrounding it met. This gave him the added bonus of having the outer building’s surface as a resting spot for his back and the roof as shade.

But the real form of concealment came from who was standing on the other side of the fence. Jon always thought of Ponyville as a sort of rural place, which was a nicer way of saying it was a hole in the wall. Similar to the small towns one sees on the sides of major highways when passing through some of the midwestern states like Kansas, while ones like Canterlot were more representative of New York.

That isn’t to say he thought Ponyville was comprised of uneducated hillbillies or backwards simpletons, he just had the impression that it was a town mostly associated with the simple life. However as he sat at the Corner Street Eatery his impression of Ponyville being a hick town had been confirmed and now cemented within his mind. For standing on the other side of the fence, less than an arm length away, was an honest to God cow, a cow who sought fit to stand where it did eating some grass and providing Jon with some future shade for when the sun changed positions.

Ordinarily Jon would have some qualms about his new friend being so close, especially with the day he’s had, but at this point he had mellowed out somewhat since his visit to the castle and was much more inviting of the large mammal.

Taking out his phone to see what time it was, Jon sat back in his not so roomy chair to rest his back on the side of the building. He had a lot to think about and arriving at the rondezvous site in an early fashion meant that he had time to dwell on each subject. But if there was one thing that ate at him most it was what he would do once his contact finally arrived.

“Alright Jon... you can do this,” he thought as he lightly slapped the side of his cheeks with both hands. “Game plan; when Derpy’s husband shows you sweet talk him like you did that police officer when he gave you a speeding ticket.”

Leaning back forward, Jon stuck his neck out and squinted his eyes at a pony who he saw passing by the fence in the hopes that it was Mr. Whooves. Upon further inspection, he realized that it couldn't be him, not only was this pony not male but she also an Earthpony, from what he saw back at the Castle Doctors were all Unicorns. Her Cutie Mark was a basket of flowers, not very doctor-like.

Sitting back normally in his seat, and with no description to go on, Jon just stared off into the distance at any and all ponies who passed by, none of whom noticed him silently judging them.

The next pony who came was closer to being Dr. Whooves than the last. This newcomer was the right gender, but unfortunately was a pegasus who promptly passed by and turned the street corner as he predicted. His Cutie Mark was a glove of some kind, not even latex. Soon after a group of two Unicorns and an Earthpony, each chatting among themselves, walked by, but this time Jon didn’t even strain his eyes to evaluate them since they were all too young to be married, or even have Cutie Marks.

From there Jon just ogled anyone who got near his field of vision, with no one fitting the profile he assumed for himself. At one point he even saw a pair of familiar faces walk by that he hadn’t seen in a while, in the form of Vinyl Scratch and Octavia rounding a corner and talking amongst themselves. Were this any other day, Jon would’ve said his hellos and maybe give the fancier half of that coupe a good sound teasing, but his concealment was still generally preferred.

Rather than pointlessly trying to ascertain who was Derpy’s significant other (pointless in that by the time he’d arrive it would be too late to look out for him), Jon decided to instead focus on what he’d say, offer, or request when he finally met up with him.

“Just remember Jon, this is very important... you can do this,” he reminded himself out loud. “If he can’t help you then remember to ask if he knows anyone who can... time to really kiss some flank here!”

Standing on his feet to get a better view of the horizon over his cow-shield, Jon allowed his tired eyes to linger at the sight that was Canterlot Castle way in the distance, his soul once again ablaze from the constant reminder that his best friend was dying, and his other friends did nothing about it. It made Jon feel bitter, not just because of what had happened but because he also had to consider the chance that if Mr. Whooves couldn't help him he might need to crawl back to Celestia begging for her forgiveness and possible reconsideration. Which he would gladly do if it meant his friend would live

“Remember, you're doing it for her,” Jon reminded himself as he sat back down. “You’re doing it for her.”

With his back leaning once again on the house, Jon found himself in a position that if he was wearing a stetson he would pull it over his eyes and go to sleep. The sound of the cow munching away at the patches of grass beneath her hooves was almost hypnotic in a rhythmic tone which made him feel a bit drowsy, as to be expected from his not having a full night’s rest prior.

For some reason not a lot of ponies passed by from there, making the deserted street corner even more quiet than before. Something which Jon, as a resident of New York, would embrace as it wasn’t everyday he got to experience it. For the time being however, he allowed his mind to wander aimlessly like a dog owner letting their golden retriever frolic through the park off its leash.

Had there been someone with him this would be the part where they’d wave their hand in front of his face and ask him to come back down to earth. His sights were aimed straight forward but at the same time he seemed to be looking at nothing in particular, which is how his wife would often catch him from time to time back home; lately he wasn’t himself.

His glance into nothingness was so intense he almost missed the sight of some pony walking out of their house which was directly across from the restaurant. Normally Jon would’ve just ignored this sudden appearance, but there were some interesting features about him that snapped Jon out of his trance.

For one this Pony was a male Unicorn, something which Jon hadn’t seen all day. This alone caused him to sit up and take notice, but it was the fact that he also wore a lab coat and some kind of surgery cap on his head that got Jon to get up from his seat and walk over to the narrowest edge of the establishment to get a better look.

Male, Unicorn, hospital attire, lives close by. The planets had fallen into alignment.

“T-this... this is it!” Jon mutter to himself. Raising his hand only to keep it there like he didn’t know what to do with it, he began to wave for attention and raise his voice. “Hey! HEY I’M RIGHT HERE!”

The pony didn’t say anything back or look in his direction, and as he walked out of his house and further into the street Jon could tell he didn’t even have his eyes open; but that wasn’t the only thing he noticed. Slowly Jon’s hand lowered and his expression reverted back to its disappointed frown. It wasn’t him

What Jon had mistakenly thought were a hospital’s lab coat and headdress were actually a bathrobe and shower cap. His eyes were closed because he hadn’t yet gotten used to the bright light and now that he was closer it was noticeable that he was using his horn to carry a mug of coffee. All this pointing not to his potential as a physician but instead giving the implication that he had just awoken from a deep sleep.

Of course there was still the potential that this pony could be the elusive Mr. Whooves, but that notion quickly went away once he got to the mailbox, just outside his house. Using his magic he opened the container and fished out a few letters, whereupon he took a sip of his hot beverage and returned to his house.

Jon’s mind was playing tricks on him; apparently his wanting this meeting to happen made him see things that weren’t actually there. Gripping the edge of the fence, Jon clenched as hard as he could while taking a deep breath. He felt a sense that he wasn’t in control again, and that terrified him.

He needed something to take his mind off things for a bit, and fortunately enough the perfect distraction arrived on the scene.

“Oy! You’re not leaving are ya?” a voice called from behind. Turning to see who was calling out to him, Jon saw that Coatcheck had returned, now more presentable with his hair combed back, white button shirt, and the black apron now fastened around his waist. “We just opened up you know? I was going to ask if you wanted to order something while you wait.”

Turning back to see if his would-be contact was still there, Jon loosened his grip of the fence and made his way back to his seat while rubbing his eyes.

“Uh, yeah sure,” Jon answered. With a grunt he sat back down on his mushroom and preemptively reached into his coat pocket to retrieve his reading glasses. “What’s on tap today?”

“We have a wide variety of fine looking eats!” Coatcheck assured him as he handed over a medium sized menu with several pages. “Have a look-see!”

Following his advice Jon gazed at a random page, making this the first time he had ever looked at an Equestrian menu. As such, he didn’t recognize any of the names, most of which were references to dishes he’d never heard of. A few of them were inedible to a human digestive system, though Jon wouldn't know; the text describing each dish was just small enough that he didn’t feel like straining his eyes even with his reading glasses on his face.

“Yeah um... do you serve breakfast?” Jon asked, closing the menu and laying it down on the mushroom-table.

With his pad and pen still holstered, Coatcheck took a second to answer as he didn’t want to upset his guest.

“Well no... b-but for you I’ll make an exception!” he cheerfully said before getting out a pen and paper. “Whad’ya fancy today?”

“Okay well... I think I’ll have a spinach omelette with a side of toast, any kind is fine,” Jon ordered. “Side of hashbrowns and since the wife isn’t here how about a plate of sausages?”

Turning now to hand his menu back, Jon caught glimpse of Coatcheck glaring at him with confused, uncertain eyes. In addition, his order was only half written, since the straight talking waiter stopped mid-way out of bewilderment.

“I’m sorry but... I’m a little confused by some of the... things you ordered,” Coatcheck admitted as he looked down to read back some parts. “You said you wanted an... omelette and side of sausage... what are these things exactly?”

In an unintentionally display of dramatic expression Jon slowly took off his glasses while shooting his waiter a face of complete and utter surprise.

“You’re kidding me? You know... an omelet... a collection of eggs spread out and folded over a filling of cheese and other products,” Jon explained, which did very little to sway Coatcheck to the side of understanding. “How could you have never heard of an omelette?”

“Well... based on your description I’d say it’s because we ponies don’t use eggs like that,” he surmised. “We mainly use them as but one ingredient for making pastries and other kinds of sweets.”

Disappointed, Jon buried his face deep into his hands, sliding them down in disbelief.

“Also... this sausage... what’s that?” Coatcheck continued.

“It’s... it’s basically a pig,” Jon answered.

“Well we have pigs,” Coatcheck commented. “But... we don’t eat them.”

“Of course you don’t,” Jon said. “Okay forget breakfast I’ll just uh... I’ll just have a BLT.” Tilting his head to the side the once confused waiter was again put in an awkward situation.

“A what?” he asked.

“It’s just a simple sandwich,” Jon sighed. “It has lettuce, tomatoes, ba-- oh... oh right... uh nevermind.”

With a slight chuckle Coatcheck placed his utensils away and placed a friendly hoof on the back of his struggling guest of the hour.

“It would seem you’re still not entirely used to life here in Equestria,” he commented.

“Geez, no kidding! What I wouldn't give for a reuben right about now,” Jon replied. “The weirdest part is I’m used to all the big things like the monsters, the talking animals, the magical abilities... but your food... my god your guys’ food!”

Leaning on the table to get a better view, Coatcheck found himself laughing, almost as if he was at home watching Jon doing his show, only now in person.

“I mean you don’t... okay how ‘bout this.” Jon turned to face him. “I’ll give out a series of dishes and you stop me if anything sounds familiar.”

“Alright, shoot,” Coatcheck agreed as he sat down next to him.

“Okay... hotdog, steak, meatloaf, Tri Tip, chicken fingers, ribs, buffalo wings, Venison?” Jon listed, hoping that at least one would cause something to click in his waiter’s eyes.

“Sorry; nothing.” Coatcheck shrugged.

“Alright, alright but how ‘bout: Lobster, crab, shrimp, oysters... freaking fish!” Jon added.

“I know of such creatures,” Coatcheck assured him. “But I’m afraid I’ve never heard of a dish that involved them.”

Defeated, Jon leaned back in his chair to let out a sigh of disappointment. He’d had some frustrating experiences trying to convey with a waiter as to what he wanted, but none quite on the level of not knowing what an omelette was. He thought about asking what he would recommend but shuddered at the thought of what ghastly horse pellets or hay piles he thought were tasty.

At his wits’ end, Jon decided to try one last idea, a sort of hail mary attempt to salvage this conversation.

“Uh... a burger?” Jon asked.

“Oh! We have those,” Coatcheck revealed, causing Jon to sit back up.

“Really!” Jon exclaimed. “Y-you guys actually eat burgers here!?”

“Yes indeed. I actually have an entire page devoted to different kinds,” he answered, which made Jon open the menu again to find this passage. “But... I warn you I uh... I don’t believe we have the same kinds of burgers.”

This little bit of information was uttered the moment Jon found the legendary page. Without looking for himself, he turned to ask the obvious.

“W-what do you mean?” Jon asked.

“Well... I’m not sure how they’re like in the human world,” he began. “But in Equestria our burgers are mostly vegetative... like this one here, number 3 special... the main ingredient is tulips.”

Believing that perhaps he was being teased, Jon followed his hoof to the burger he was describing. Quietly he read the brief snippet of tiny text describing it, and found that he was indeed being earnest.

“Flowers... instead of a patty this burger has... flowers!?” Jon asked. His simple question caused Coatcheck to once again look perplexed.

“Um... what’s a ‘patty’?” he asked. Rather than explaining, Jon leaned forward to slam his head on the soft surface of the mushroom-table. It was going to be a long day.